PIGEON-FEED

Keep e-mailing your opinions, questions and stories, folks. The pigeon will give feedback in due course.

Dear Furious-Pigeon, I work in an office block in Birmingham. Every day overweight people slow me down by using the lift to go up, or down, one floor and I work on the eighth floor. Am I a bad person for hating these useless, lazy, fat, cunts? What can I do about it? Phil, Birmingham

Hmm, difficult one. These people certainly are lazy, it's no wonder that Birmingham is 8.5% obese according to BBC news website. Maybe you could leave an anynomous note inside the lift saying; 'Attention! People who ride the lift one floor, you are fucking lazy. They are called "stairs" use them or I'll confiscate you're cake and pies. No wonder your partner cheats on you-you fuck like blind people fight! Sort your life out.'

Dear Mr. Pigeon, Your colleague Phil Davis nailed his colours to the mast, he is now a Toronto Maple Leaf's fan. What sports teams do you follow? Todd Kowalski, Florida

Well, in basketball my NBA team is Toronto Raptors, I like the Green Bay Packers in the NFL, my favourite team is Pittsburgh Penguins in the NHL and in football I support West Bromwich Albion.

Dear Furious-Pigeon, there is a guy at college that I am obsessed with. He is gorgeous but he doesn't even know I exist. What can I do? Poppy Willis, Kent

Make-up, lots of make-up. Short skirt, really high-heels, bleach your hair, wear fake eyelashes and flirt outrageously with him. Maybe sleep with one of his friends (make sure that you are really filthy in bed) so that he tells this 'gorgeous guy' and then your in. Or you could get a personality? I don't know I'm not an expert. PS, sorry for posting your name next to your question, Poppy, but I get cheap laughs from other people's misfortune.

Dear Furious-Pigeon, I think I ran over your mum the other day with my Fiat Stilo, sorry about that. If it's any consolation-she died screaming like a pig! John Smith, Coventry

Don't apologise, John. Or should I call you Trevor? Seen as though Trevor Collins is your real name! Maybe you should go and have a look in the boot of you Fiat Stilo, which is parked on the drive of your house, 142 Billis Close, Highfield, Coventry...I left you a surprise in there. I hope that you like it, Trevor...it may explain why you haven't seen your mother and father for the past week.