PHIL DAVIS ON: 'TEENAGERS'

"THE KIDS ARE OUT OF CONTROL!"

I am not a Daily Reader, neither (for legal reasons) is the furious Pigeon, but I have to express my dislike of 'the youth of today'. I like to think that I am a liberal figure, laid-back and politcial correctness bothers me but what the fuck are teenagers all about? Are they actually serious listening to that cac, tinny, 200bpm, pill-head/garage, coloquially vague music on their phones?! I suppose it does, at least, stop them talking for a while but when they do what the fuck are they on about? I just recently got off the bus having had to listen to a small group, along with their music, and felt old and sensible. At one point a young man walking along the pavement glanced up as the bus drove past him and (I'll call him the leader) lurched himself at the window, bumping his head in the process and hissed: "fuck are you lookin' at!?" Notice how he excluded the traditional "What the..." to save time on a threat that the pedestrian couldn't hear anyway. I presume that it was for the benefit of his friends and other commuters. They all wore urban camoflauge combat fatigues and black leather gloves, on a hot day like this there is only one type of person who wears these clothes; criminals. Either to avoid fingerprints or any other form of DNA give-away. Dressing the same as one another makes recognition by law enforcement officials and/or witnesses/victims difficult and prosecution even more so.

NOTHING HAS CHANGED

I am not saying, like most tabloids currently are, that teenagers are worse than ever because they are not, modern crime is easier to report on and the media flow of criminality is fast and readily available in many varieties. Visit any news website, YouTube or watch one of the numerous crime documentaries and you would be forgiven for believing that crime was invented in 1998. It wasn't, I looked it up on the internet. The intake of drinks and drugs has possibly has increased but the youth of today would do somthing sober, fighting whilst drunk is not a new thing and cocaine is more popular and could have an effect but people are the ones who commit crime; they are stupid, fucking idiots. There have always been stupid, fucking idiots and there always will be.

DON'T BLAME THE MEDIA

I recently heard that there was uproar over the new Batman film (Dark Knight) due to the Jokers monstrous use of a knife, certain tabloids blamed the film for the recent spate of violent knife crimes in London (because knife-crime elsewhere doesn't happen, apparently) which is strange because this year is seven months old and the film was released last week!? The news has often blamed film and TV for societies short-fallings. I jut wonder what film or TV programme Jack the Ripper watched that made him commit so many horrific murders with his knife? Answers on a postcard...

LA GALAXY CARAMEL

Birmingham University Division One, thursday 31st July 2008

LA Galaxy Caramel 1-1 The Lads FC
Galaxy took the lead after five minutes with a sweet finish following a smooth build up; Slater touched it to Connor whose crossfield ball found Summerfield and when he squared it to Shotton and the yorkshireman made no mistake as he tapped it away.

Shotton's evening could have been alot different as far as emotions are concerned; only a few minutes before his goal he almost put through his own net when he closed down Franny Jeffers only to play a hazardous backpass wide of his flat-footed 'keeper, luckily that 'keeper was Phil Davis (ahem) who pounced on the ball like a fat woman on a mars bar. The relieved Yorkshireman Mat Shotton spoke to Furious-Pigeon about the game: "Aye, 'appen that coulda' bin as tragic as a closed coal-mine!" (I'm only messing,Mat)

Slater, Shotton and particularly Richie Summerfield were rock solid at the back to protect Galaxy lead until halftime, Jeffers and Guy Whittingham didn't have a look in. Halftime 1-0 to the Galaxy.

In the second period Luke Chadwick began carving out more opportunities but The Lads could not find a way through, the best chance fell to Dalian Atkinson but his tame effort effort was easily stopped by Davis. Paul Slater was everywhere and he and super-sub Bhavesh Patel were closing down The Lads, who began to turn the screw. There were only three minutes left when Luke Chadwick slid the ball to Dalian Atkinson whose low, angled drive found the inside of Galaxy's far-post, The Lads went crazy and the Galaxy were gutted, denied a point in their league debut but a deserved point was an impressive start to their history.

Allbeit highly unrealistic the result means that officially Galaxy cannot win the league now: "Devestated, absolutely devestated, the lads have worked hard all evening to make the impossible-possible but that's football. Only joking, I didn't realise that until you told me, well we don't know where we're going to be playing in a month's time, you know, maybe a different league, we'll have to wait and see. Just got to praise each and every one of these lads who've worked very hard tonight in a muggy atmosphere and almost earned two unlikely points, I'm happy with a draw, definately."
1.Davis 2.Summerfield(c) 3.Shotton(sub:5.Patel) 6.Connor 14.Slater 15.Dandy

LA-GALAXY-CARAMEL-FC-OFFICIAL-SQUAD: 1.Phil Davis 2.Richie Summerfield(c) 3.Mat Shotton 4.James Walker 5.Bhavesh Patel 6.Dave Connor 12.Billy Bishop 13.Dave Sorensen 14.Paul Slater 15.Alex Dandy 16.Simon Hartland

KINGS NORTON 3-1 JD-LIONS

DIVISION FOUR
Kings Norton Allstars 3-1 JD-Lions
JD-Lions find themselves languishing a few places above the relegation zone following their most recent defeat to Kings Norton.
Lions had Steve Harris sent off at the start of the second-half for swearing at official Uriah Pennie which, arguably, turned the game in Kings Norton's favour. Alex Dandy set up Dave Sorensen to give the Lions the lead against the run of play after nine minutes, when he drilled a shot inside 'keeper Bobby Mimms near-post and Lions looked like holding on until the break. It was not to be however as Rob Lee scored with a toepoke shot from fifteen yards which finally broke Lions 'keeper Phil Davis' resistance. After Harris' red card things went from bad to worse, Lee scored again when he turned Summerfield and his angled drive found the bottom corner of Lions net and Kings Norton were on their way to a priceless victory. David May put the icing on the local-derby cake when his half-volley bounced in off Davis' left hand in a horror moment for the 'keeper who had played well.
Stand-in captain Richie Summerfiled: "It's just one of those annoying things really, I think it was over by then, no-one wants to blame Hazza (Harris) but he knows that the red-card has turned the game for them (Kings Norton) and they win because it's really tough when you're a man down, it's a harsh sending off to be honest. We'll have to pick ourselves up for the next one and make sure we get some points-simple as that...we did miss James Walker; much as it pains me to say it."
1.Davis 2.Summerfield 24.Harris 23.Slater(sub:13.Swannick) 10.Dandy 17.Carlos

DIVISION TWO
Real-JD awarded a five-nil for the failure of their opponents to attend, the forfeit result means that Real are in fifth spot and optomistic about their promotion credentials: "If our opponents keep failing to turn up, we could get promoted by default, bit wierd but that is football."

MIDDLESBOROZIL NEWS

Middlesborozil 1-1 Codename Forty-Seven
Left-back Richie Summerfield grabbed a vital equaliser to earn 'Boro a draw last night and he is the recipient of the coveted £10 bonus for scoring the clubs first goal.
Pursuit of redemption was the fuel Summerfield needed as he was blamed for gifting Codename their goal when Davis played him into trouble and he had the ball taken off him and stabbed home by Francis Benali, on six minutes. But Summerfield made amends with a similar strike when he nipped in to stroke the ball home following a poor clearance from Codename goalkeeper Barry Bethell aka 'Fat-Boy-Slimfast'.

Shortly after the equaliser and debutant Billy Bishop went on a Cafu-like run and saw his long-range volley well held by Bethell (who can be seen on google earth) 'Boro played the better football throughout the remainder of the first half, Dave Connor was desperately unlucky to see his twenty yard strike hit the bar and the score remained deadlocked at half-time. Again 'Boro dominated the second-half, pushing forward and creating chance after chance but could find no way past sub-keeper Bryan Gunn, Simon Hartland, also making his 'Boro debut, went close but hit the side netting following a nice one-two with Connor.

Codename could have won the game late on when Mixu Paatalainen ran through unchallenged but could only hit the outside of the post, one-all it finished but 'Boro will take away many positives from this game: "You know, I can't believe how well we've played here tonight, I've got to be honest-Dave Connor and Mat Shotton both looked even better this week with so much confidence, there didn't seem to be any problem having Bishop and Hartland come in and play well-everyone gelled. Bit disappointed that we didn't go on and win because we had a lot of great chances but that's football."

'Boro: 1.Davis 2.Summerfield 3.Shotton 12.Bishop 6.Connor 16.Hartland

Premiership
Past-It FC 2-0 Middlesborozil FC
Second placed Past-It beat 'Boro by two goals but the title race is surely over as Wicks Wanderers won 2-1 against Accrington Geoffrey, Wanderers only require a single point from their remaining two games to clinch the premiership trophy.
Jimmy-Flloyd Hasselhoff scored both the goals that sunk a flat looking Middlesborozil side, who were behind as early as the fourth minute when Hasselhoff cut inside Shotton and placed the ball into the top right-hand corner beating Davis all-ends-up.

In the second half, as usual, 'Boro came into it more and worked the ball around a tired looking Past-It team, however a sloppy backpass from Summerfield let in Hasselhoff who toepoked it past Davis to ensure the points; will it be in vain or will their be a stunning twist in the tale?

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 3.Shotton 12.Bishop 6.Connor 16.Hartland

'END OF AN ERA'
The unusual and brief story of Middlesborozil is over, the team will be playing at the Birmingham University leisure-league on thursday from now on under the new name of 'LA GALAXY CARAMEL FC' in honour and respect of David Beckham (pay attention McLaren, oops! Too late, you butcher-looking tit.)

Once again Player/Manager/Secretary/Press Officer Phil Davis has the added headache of inheriting a team on the brink of relegation to division two: "Oh for fuck's sake, not again....I'll see what I can do...I mean I'm a goalkeeper not Kofi Anan. Following recent speculation, the board (me and richie summerfield) have decided to rename the team and move, some of us already play at the new venue, some have played before, it's a better playing surface, the teams are more likely to turn up, the standard is better but the referee's are still shockingly bad, but that is football."

PHIL DAVIS DRAWINGS

'Rose West'; the fat, spectacled woman.

Two drawings of a girl guide and a monkey, in one piccture she is brandishing a shot-gun when the girl guides are asked to help in neutralising a zombie threat.

Yellow love with a man urinating on the lady, I call it 'Piss'

AAA FC 2-0 JD-LIONS

Division 2: PL Quake 1-1 Real JD


Alex Dandy got on the scoresheet against polish outfit PL Quake when he equalised to earn the lions a point on sunday night.
Ziggy Boniek opened the scoring after nine minutes when he latched onto a Lato throughball and thumped a shot in off the crossbar, the poles looked like they would increase their lead but going a goal down seemed to be the catalyst for Real.

Real JD should have won a feisty game which nearly boiled over as with Paul Slater and Gregorz Lato grappled with eachother and had to be separated by officials. The diving antics of PL Quake went unpunished time and time again, and neither side could grind out a winning goal so the corresponding fixture in october should be intrigueing as both sides clearly believe that they have unfinished business. Paul Slater despite all the 'rough-stuff' and arguing had, arguably, his best game for the club according to captain Walker: "They all played well, I thought, Richie Summerfield was absoloutely solid, Dandy has scored a cracking goal to earn us a point and it's the best I've seen from Sorensen and Swannick for a long time. It's just a shame we couldn't've gone on and won this one." Real JD will be without their captain next week as he is on holiday.

PL Quake remain fifth and Real JD are sixth, however the latter has a 5-0 forfeit victory to look forward to next sunday when they have another rest instead of opposition, Winalot Penguins took maximum points as they beat fourth place Grovesy's Giants FC 2-1 and remain top of the league. Elsewhere Stockpot Seasoners FC 5-0 Back Inter Bryan which was a forfeit.


1.davis, 2.summerfield, 23.slater, 4.walker 19.dandy, 12.sorensen, 13,swanick, 17.carlos

Division 4: AAA 2-0 JD Lions
AAA remain unbeaten following a comfortable two-goal victory over uninspired JD Lions on sunday night, Jason Lee struck twice for the 'battery-men' a goal in each half which they never looked in danger of relinquishing. Lions 'keeper Phil Davis was in top form as he kept the scoreline respectable but he was at fault for the opening goal as Lee drilled it to Davis' near-postand the ball bobbled in off his leg.

JD tried desperately to get back in the game, captain James Walker was trying to get things going in midfield but every attack came to nothing, in truth JD Lions looked sluggish, Dandy was never at the races and Carlos was man-marked out of the game. JD Lions are seventh but face the team just behind them; Kings Norton which should be an entertaining local derby next sunday.

Results Roundup: Weoly Castle 7-0 AVFG; Weoly Castle have gone top of the table due to their haul of goals against second-bottom AVFG. Sporting Random 5-0 Back Inter Bryan and Dilligaf 6-3 Kings Norton Allstars

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 23.Slater 4.Walker 19.Dandy 12.Sorensen 13.Swannick 17.Carlos

PHIL DAVIS ON: 'THE LAW'

I watch alot of documentaries; Cops, Caribean Cops,
Costa Del Street Crime, Send in the dogs, Worlds Wildest Police Video's, Cops caught on camera, Street Wars and so on. Having grown up with a policeman for a dad and worked in a CCTV control room I have some fairly biased opinions but, I believe, a good overview on how the police and the law works.

RESPECT
I watched a documentary on channel 5+1 last night which focussed on a CCTV control room in wigan which was very interesting, one officer echoed what I said once, he mainly outlined how when he was young he was 'spoken to and dealt with by a policeman' and was mortified and nervous, intimidated and worried what would happen if his parents found out.

When I was sixteen I was spoken to by mounted police in Birmingham on new years eve, they advised me to behave because I was caught urinating in a public place. I apologised and was polite, but the more I watch documentaries the more common attitude for the police seems to be one of resentment and disdain towards people who are essentially employed to see the smooth, safe and peaceful running of our country. Argueing with, running from and swearing at the authorities will never end well for anybody. I am amazed by the idiots who swear infront of or at police, who are warned several times that they must stop using foul language or they will be arrested and the idiot, invariably, will swear again; therefore is arrested and they display an incredulous attitude: "What for? What, the fuck, have I done? You can't nick me for swearing!"

For obvious reasons, you can not swear at, or infront of, the police, it undermines them and betrays a lack of respect. I love swearing but calling a policeman 'a cunt' is not going to get me anywhere.


SAFETY
I can never understand when revellers empty out of pubs and clubs and see a large number of police and think that it's a bad thing. It can look aggressive but essentially their deployment is to maintain order, the police probably don't want to be there anymore than some people want to see them there. Coppers would rather be anonymously having a drink themselves, more than likely. When I was a student in Preston, the main row of pubs, bars and clubs had a large police presence outside after midnight and students were the worst for giving the police grief, usually because they think it makes them look or sound hard if they got arrested for public order, it doesn't; it makes you look like an immature twat who can't handle beer and you're gutted to be going home without a bird. Had the individual pulled, you wouldn't see them swearing at police, you'd see them smiling on their way home in anticipation of a filthy ride.



PEOPLE
Police officers are actually human beings; their DNA is almost identical to our own, it just happens that they chose a different career with certain social boundaries. Wherever I have worked there have always been twats, some people can not help it, you are allowed to hate them for being a twat; that is fine, just don't label them as all being the same.
I'm sure that most police officers want a quiet and peaceful night or day shift so that they can go home to their family and enjoy their decent salary, same as most normal people.



COMMON SENSE
I appreciate that many people have come across police officers who lack common sense or tact, until we have robots who are consistant in every detail policing our streets then rude police are somthing that you will have to abide by. If an individual has a couple of joints worth of resin or they are drinking in the street then take it off them and just give the individual a quick low-down of the law, advise them and it should be the end of it as far as I'm concerned. Some laws are not made very clear and inconsistant policing can be a problem-I recall one episode of Street Crime UK when a young male in southampton argued for ten minutes with two policemen when he was in posession of skunk, he seemed to think that if he agreed to be arrested then he would be allowed to keep the skunk when he was released without charge! Bad example because he was fairly stupid but he had the skunk confiscated and was sent on his way.



IMAGE
The image of the police, I feel, is getting better. Programmes such as The Bill, Life On Mars and Ashes To Ashes and the film Hot Fuzz have projected a far more sexy and human aspect to the job, aswel as the numerous reality TV programmes.

PHIL DAVIS DRAWINGS

Just a couple of drawings from my sketchbook.

Above left is a character called 'Tyne-Wolf' which is a spoof of Michael J Fox film; TeenWolf, my character is a geordie (from newcastle upon tyne) he is an amateur footballer playing in a pub-league who has the unusual distinction of being of lycanthrope or werewolf: with hilarious consequences.

Above centre is a character called Emile De-Cock who is a belgian-congolese footballer based on my friend and former team-mate and colleague Abbassy Niyongabo, who bless him seemed to think that he was a professional footballer which made him endearing. I have attempted to immortalise him with a series of drawins and short stories (more to follow)

Above left is a 'stick-man being urinated on by a 'stick-woman'. They are perverts.

MIDDLESBOROZIL NEWS

'Boro 5
Accrington Geofrey 0

Leisure-leagues imposed a five-nil defeat upon 'no-show' Accrington Geoffrey and awarded Middlesborozil the victory. Player/manager Phil Davis had this to say: "Well, you know, I'm a bit disappointed that they've not turned up, maybe they were scared? I was looking forward to it but it just means safety should be reachable next week which is fantastic."
The forfeit result means that 'boro could climb to fourth if they beat second placed 'Past It FC' on thursday night, they remain fourth fom bottom but the season will surely culminate in a fascinating finale, both at business end and the basement.

Middlesborozil 0-3 'Slobs R us'
Slobs were easy winners of this friendly as Carlton Palmer opened the scoring after 4 minutes with a simple one-on-on finish which was added to by Chris Kiwonmya and Eddie McGoldrick, who each scored in the second half against a lack-lustre 'boro side. "Teething problems, that's all, we're new to eachother and getting used to this playing area is not easy, you know, different sized and shaped penalty area's at either end of a pitch that is wider that it is long which is covered in sand....it's going to take time and patience, it will come together."

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 3.Shotton 4.Walker 15.Sorenson 6.Connor


FURIOUS NEWS-FLASH
Lamp-Lard turns down Middlesborozil move.
'Boro player/manager Phil Davis say's that he is disappointed that he was unable to lure the chelski and england midfielder away from Stamford 'The' Bridge following week-long negotiations: "Well, we offered him a four and a half year deal worth £145,000 a-week but Lampard's agent said that was a poultry amount; which is a coincidence because Frank was eating exactly 145llbs of fried chicken at the meeting when I made that offer."


"He's a fucking winker"
Christiano Ronaldo was also a 'target' for Davis this summer but unfortunately the brummie 'keeper missed and was unable to reload in time before the winger scuttled off looking sweaty.

NCP MANCHESTER FC NEWS

NCP MANCHESTER 0-1 SIX-AMIGO'S FC

Phil Davis was on loan to former club NCP Manchester, yesterday however it was an unhappy return as The Bee's were beaten by their bogey team Six Amigo's.

Player/manager Gaz Kerrigan has implemented some changes since Davis left; Noble, Polhill, Pugh and Kerrigan are still there but Niyongabo is out with a groin strain and Sam Simpson has sensationally quit the club! NCP were lacklustre in their approach and despite having more of the ball and the better chances, they were beaten by a fluke goal of the highest order. Davis rolled the ball to Kerrigan who delayed clearing his lines long enough for Jake Camenbert to close him down, Kerrigan attempted to hoof the ball downfield but instead the ball cannoned in off Camenbert and straight into the open net. "Wish I hadn't bothered coming back now, but it's great to see the lads and how so much has changed in just three weeks of me leaving. Next season hopefully the lads can have a good start and do well, they've got some decent new players, so good luck to them."

The result means that NCP have slipped to ninth in the league, their lowest place for over two years, player/manager Kerrigan, however, is not phased: "Wait and see next season."

MIDDLESBOROZIL NEWS (COMPETITION/BONUS)

FOOTB Middlesborozil player/manager Phil Davis has offered a ten pounds english sterling banknote (pictured right)to the winner of a competition! To win this fantastic prize all you need to do is score the first goal for the club! Davis launched a similar competition last year whilst player/manager of NCP Manchester: "It was sucessful back then, NCP had not scored for about fifteen matches and I'd tried everything including playing outfiled myself but as soon as I offered the players a bonus- we scored. Dean Polhill was the proud owner of a crisp twenty pound note. As I'm unemployed it will only be a ten pound note that you can enjoy at any pub in birmingham for a few hours (or for a total of 7 minutes at The Mailbox!) The prize is 100% tax-free. Good luck."

Terms and conditions:
This competition is open to Middlesboro players only; opposing players scoring an own-goal on behalf of Middlesboro will be appreciated but ultimately exempt from the ten pounds prize. To claim your prize just see Phil Davis post-match for details.

TOP FIVE: MOMENTS IN FOOTBALL

Describe your top-five favourite moments in the history of football. This must be a personal discussion. Discuss.

1.David Beckham rescue's England's world cup: With Germany only drawing with Finland, a point against Greece will be enough to see England qualify for the 2002 world cup in japan/korea. England are losing 1-2 going into the third minute of injury time when they are awarded a free-kick 25 yards from goal. It was a 'roy-of-the-rovers' moment, it's now or never-and David Beckham bent the free-kick up and over the wall, the 'keeper never moved. 2-2 and the whole country went crazy. I went mad, got drenched in lager at a pub and spent the day celebrating.

2.Birmingham city beat Norwich on penalties, 2002: at the best ground I have ever been to; Cardiff's Millenium Stadium. The actual game was dull, it only came alive in extra-time when Iwan Roberts headed Norwich infront. Luckily for the blues Geoff Horsefield prodded an equaliser and everyone was nervous right up to and including the dreaded penalty shootout. Birmingham had been unsucessful in five penalty shootouts in a row (including one at Millenium stadium the previous season) but this one was different. Birmingham had the upper hand as soon as Nico Vaesen saved Mulryne's effort, Devlin scored for the blues, Daryl Sutch rolled his penalty wide and eventually it was left to local-lad Carter to take the decisive penalty which he tucked away. Birmingham city promoted to the premiership at the fourth time of asking in the play-off's; I don't mind telling you that I burst uncontrollably into tears and nearly vomitted with excitement, I got on the coach outside the ground, hugged my dad and then passed out.

3.Villa 0-2 Birmingham, 2003: You can forget your Merseyside, Manchester, London and East-Anglian derby matches, if you want a really nasty affair where it's guaranteed to kick off, before, during and after the game; look no further than the Birmingham derby, forget Graham Poll-phone Kofi Anan! The premiership newboys were expected to go straight back down, but having already embaressed 'the vile' at St.Andrews, the blues, visiting Villa Park for the first time in ten years were quietly confident. (I watched this game on the big screen on a pub in preston because I was a scared student and didn't want to be anywhere near villa park) It was 0-0 when Dion Dublin was shown a red card for headbutting Lily Savage (nothing wrong with that) and villa were down to ten men, which made it slightly easier for Kenna to supply Lazaridis with a cross to head blues infront with 15 mins left. Peter Enckleman's circus juggling-routine was hopeless against Horsefield who walked the ball into the net as the terraces began to turn violent. Police helicopter, Police Dogs and Tactical Aid Unit's turned up as pandamonium reigned at Villa park. Joey Gudjonsson then got sent off for a two-footed, studs-showing, foul. Birmingham had done the double over Villa for the first time in twenty-six, long, agonsing years.

4.Barnsley's FA cup run 2007-08: Underdog's seemed to have a free licence in the cup last season, not one big team from the premiership in the semi-finals, mainly because of all the giant-killing that was going on. Liverpool had a scare against a gang of plumbers and roofers and a taxi-driver only to face more 'easy' opposition in the next round. Luke Steele, the on-loan, third-choice 'keeper did his 'roy-of-the-rovers' thing and stopped everything that came his way and Barnsley went and scored at the Kop end in injury-time to go through to the quarter-finals, where Chelski would surely cure this underdog epidemic. They couldn't, because Barnsley beat them 1-0 at their 'ground' to clinch a wembley semi-final.

5.South Korea v Italy, world cup 2002: This game was korea's farewell match, thanks for hosting half of the world cup, well-done on qualifying for the second round but leave it to the professionals. Gus Hiddink had other idea's, despite going a goal down from Vieri. Hiddink threw on a load of attackers and the koreans, deservedly, equalised late on to send the game into goalden-goal extra-time. Totti was then sent off for diving which was a harsh decision and it was end-to-end stuff but no-body could win it, until Ahn Jung-Wan headed past Buffon to put Italy out and Korea into the quarter-finals.

TOP FIVE: "PLAYED OUT OF POSTIONS"

Footballers who play out of their position. Discuss!

From time to time in football, players will adopt a role on the pitch that they are less suited to, usually born out of need rather than desire, often noteworthy and always highly amusing (provided it doesn't happen to your team.)

1.Rio Ferdinand: It seems, almost, ironic that Rio Ferdinand is number one in this list, because for twenty minutes he was number one for Man Utd last season. Van Der Sar's clicky-hip meant that sub-keeper Kuszak came on at half time and as soon as he was called into action he was given his marching orders for a professional foul on 'britains next top model' Milan Baros.

I'm sure I was not the only person sniggering as 'England's number twenty-seven' pulled on an ill fitting 'keeper jersey and gloves and pretended he knew what he was doing as he dived like a penguin, getting no-where near Sulley Muntari's spot-kick. Luckily for Rio, Pompey sat back to defend their lead after that, I can only imagine how comical things would have been.

2.John Terry: Bit serious, this one. All's well that ends well for Chelski, though so no-harm done...I say no harm done, Reading desperately wanted to get somthing out of this game which meant putting not one, but both of the Lions 'keepers into a meat wagon! Hunt didn't mean to hurt Petr Cech, according to the ever-impartial Steve Coppell, I agree. It didn't seem that Hunt did want to hurt Cech-I think he had designs on turning him into a vegetable. Hunt had to make do with only fracturing the czech goalie's skull, requiring emergency neuro-surgery and a metal plate to prevent brain damage. It didn't end there: Cudicini was given some ice-hockey treatment by Ibrahima Sonko forcing Cudicini to swallow his tongue. (his own tongue, not Sonko's) So courageous John Terry went in goal and rescued a point for 'the blues'. He must've been shitting himself.

3.David James: Cast your mind back a couple of seasons. Stuart Pearce's Man city side were playing Middlesboro for a place in the UEFA cup at The City of Manchester Stadium, which is located near Manchester City centre...can you guess which team play their home games there? In the second half Pearce had to do somthing to win this game, go 4-3-3....4-2-4? Bring on an extra attacker? He didn't need to bring on an extra attacker, because he was already playing in goal! David James went up-front and Nicky (I'm not fat, I'm just big-boned)Weaver played on between-the-sticks. Comedy ensued as 'Jamo' fouled, fell over and even kick two team-mates up in the air as he was trying to have a pop at goal. Man city got what they deserved, fuck all. And Pearce eventually got sacked and people who thought he'd be the next England manager went and hid. I love a happy ending.

4.Iain Dowie: When god was handing out 'good-looks'; baby Iain Dowie was being dropped, repeatedly, on his head, by an uncaring mother. Never-the-less he grew up to be a great goalscorer (with a head shaped liked a sheriff's badge). Which is why when 'Sloth from The Goonies' look-a-like winner from 1984-until-present, played in defence for southampton one night he scored the most deliberate looking own goal ever. Striker's cannot defend. The Saints lost and unsurprisingly 'gammon-head' never played at the back again.

5."George Weah's cousin": No-body really knows what position 'Ali Dia' favoured. He was woeful but hysterical, you can question his validity at being placed in this list all you want but it's a funny story. He fancied himself as a striker, according to Matt Le-Tissier, but Souness plonked him in the middle of the park after 'God' was injured and subbed on 32 minutes. It became apparent that Ali Dia was not whom he claimed and Ken Monkou had to come on to replace him before things got worse. Unfortunately for 'Souey' they already had, they lost the game 0-2 to Leeds and the moustachioed-scotsman eventually got sacked.

MIDDLESBOROZIL NEWS

MIDDLESBOROZIL: 0

WICKS WANDERERS: 0

New boss Phil Davis was the hero for Middlesborozil in the Solihul leisure leagues Premier division, last night, as his side grabbed a priceless point against table-toppers Wicks Wanderers.

Davis was sensational between the sticks as he was nominated man-of-the-match for denying the premiership's msot prolific strikers time and time again: "Credit to the lads aswel, you know...they've had to dig in deep, they only met one another for the first time half an hour before kick off, no-one knew each other's name or position so it was a makeshift managerial effort from myself-it's just a good job I got a clean-sheet..listening to some of the lads afterwards here, they're disapointed that they've not won because of the chance Dave Connor's had near the end but that's football."

Throughout the first half Middlesborozil were on the backfoot defending as the champions elect carved out chance after chance but were met by a wall of white shirts, Mat Shotton was in the right place at the right time to slide in and block as Pete Wallace's volley looked goalbound. Moments later and Davis was forced into action as he saved with his feet from Wallace's point blank half-volley and then saved the follow up from Thomas with a despairing right hand to turn around the post for a corner. It was one way traffic until the half-time whistle without 'boro troubling the Wanderers 'keeper.

In the second half Wanderers had the better chances but conceded more posession as James Walker and Richie Summerfield linked up to provide Connor, the lone frontan, with more options, 'Boro managed to slow the play down and took the sting out of an, ever-increasingly, frustrated Wanderers side. Bhavesh Patel seemed to come good just at the right time late on as he blocked twice from Thomas' goalbound efforts and allowed Shotton to clear, Walker took the throughball and played in Connor for the best opportunity of the game but the striker saw his low drive deflected away by Riggs left knee, and the game ended nil-nil. Without using any substitutes 'Boro played very well, alot of energy and a never-say-die attitude, the result is imeasurable in terms of premiership safety and detremental for Wanderers championship aspirations as the gap between themselves and 'Past It FC' at the top is closer than ever.

The draw means'Boro leap a place and are now fourth from bottom, just outside of the relegation zone with five games remaining but next week they must face Accrington Geoffrey whom 'Boro lost 2-0 in a pre-season friendly against: "That won't play on the lads' minds, you know we're solid and will look to get at them more, we invited them in last time because we were overawed by their speed, because they're a young team but I expect us to be a much tougher obstacle next thursday."

MIDDLESBOROZIL NEWS

Goalkeeper Phil Davis will once again try his hand at management with the creation of his latest football-project 'Middlesboro-zil'. Leisure-League organisers welcomed the arrival of the bat-shit crazy, brummie brainchild into the Solihul Foxhollies Birmingham 6-a-side premier division to replace an undesirable team. Once again Davis' first managerial challenge will be to avoid finishing in the relegation zone, as his team will start three off the bottom with five games remaining. Furious-Pigeon caught up with Davis as he made time in his hectic schedule of 'professional-temping' to chinwag about this 'Middlesboro-zil caper'; check it.
"I've called in some former team-mates for this venture, I played with Billy Bishop and the Hartland brothers when we won this league in 2003...Summerfield and Walker are part of the JDFC franchise with whom I play on a sunday now, Matt Shotton is a Law graduate from Leeds; he and I are 'temps' we worked together at the solicitors last weekend and Patel and Connor are old friends from my university days, most of these lads don't know eachother yet but neither did the lads at NCP Manchester and that eventually became my proudest achievement; I am looking to surpass that success story and win this league...I've done it before and I want to do it again."
As always, Davis will have his work cut out like a tumor from a skull, "Yeah, it's typical isn't it? First game Wicks Wanderers...the league organiser told me, over the phone, who they were and I asked 'are they any good?' he says; 'not really, they're not world beaters' I go home and check on the intenet, like any chap would, they're fucking top of the league!" Thursday 10th july at 8:30pm, be there or watch it on eurosport (or Sky+ it if you're posh.)

Furious-Pigeon asked why 'Middlesboro-zil'?
"I remeber the amusement we all shared regarding Middlesboro fans who chanted: 'It's just like watching Brazil...' when they had Juninho, Emerson and they got to both domestic cup finals that season if my memory serves me....also I think every football fan is a fan of Brazil, they seem to play football the way that idealistic football fans want the beautiful game to be played and it sounds good, you know a half pun/play-on-words."

Furious Pigeon wants to know what will the Middlesboro-zil kit look like?
Well, as the kit is not a priority at the moment I have asked the lads to wear black shorts and white socks and I've called in a favour from Manchester; the second kit or 'away' shirt of canary yellow and royal blue thick stripes..it's a Prostar kit and it has the sponsor of 'NCP Manchester' across the front, it's nice but we won't have that until our second game. I'm hoping to buy a full PUMA strip, we'll brainstorm in the pub and reach a compromise on the colour so it's neutral, that's what this team will be all about we'll reach a compromise and I disagree we'll change it to what I want to do, it's only fair. Against Wicks Wanderers we'll end up wearing bibs, most likely.

Furious-Pigeon asked what other potential names were shoved back down the pipeline like a toilet brush?
'Rapid Butt-Plug Tests' (Rapid Bucherest) 'Red Star Well-Played' (Red Star Belgrade)....'Parrotts think like us' (Panathinaikos).... 'Then Eat Some Batenberg' (Zenit St.Petersberg)... how long have you got?

Furious-Pigeon exclusive:probable Middlesboro-zil squad:
1:Phil Davis 2:Billy Bishop 3:Richie Summerfield 4:Matt Shotton 5:Paul Hartland 6:Dave Connor 12:Simon Hartland 13:James Walker 15:Bav Patel

PHIL DAVIS NEWS

THE CAT IS A MEMBER OF THE PUMA FAMILY!

Furious-Pigeon spent the day with JD Lions goalkeeper Phil Davis as he signed a lucrative sponsorship deal with sports manufacturers PUMA, meaning that he will don their products until he finds somthing cheaper. Davis joined the mailing list for PUMA goalkeeper products on-line and says that he thoroughly enjoyed the homo-erotic themed photo-shoot to promote his favoured gloves (Puma V5.06) in which he wore nothing but the gloves and a pair of rather fetching white, puma, socks. Something of a goalkeeping-geek, Davis customised his PUMA V5.06 gloves to include the adidas F50 fingerspines, "I know it's a contradiction, what with PUMA and adidas being rivals, but I like to think that I've brought the best of both german sports manufacturers together to prevent me suffering further injuries."

Davis will need all of the help that he can get, following the fortnight league break his first action will see him pitted against 'AAA' who top division four having won both of their opening fixtures, scoring ten goals in the process, straight after that game he will face PL Quake who sit one place above his side Real JD in a promotion clash.

Davis told Furious-Pigeon that he is awaiting results on a scan of his left elbow to see if there is any long-term damage, he suffered the injury whilst working as a 'temp' at solicitors Shakespeare-Putsman on behalf of Katie Bard recruitment agency and catagorically stated that: "This injury was purely accidental, no liability or blame falls on Shakespeare-Putsman or indeed Katie Bard, afterall; they are solicitors so I've got no chance, have I?! Afterall, I got £6.50 per hour, what more could I ask for...apart from a new, hydraulic-elbow perhaps?" The brummie-stopper is also awaiting the outcome of an ebay bid for a puma kazakstan goalkeeper jersey and a pair of puma V-Kat goalkeeper gloves, his father is taking care of the paypal side of things.