JD-LIONS 0-8 WEOLY WANDERERS

DIVISION TWO
REAL-JD 1-3 GROVESY'S GIANTS (ht: 1-1)
at the Astro-Arena, Birmingham

Real-JD's promotion hopes ly in tatters following a defeat at the hands of Grovesy's Giants who go above them and into fourth spot. "Being totally realistic, it will be a miracle if we get promoted now, it's a shame but results have gone against us tonight and we haven't helped ourselves at all, we gave this match to them and it was a game we badly need some points from."

Giants went infront with virtually their first attack of the game as John Harkes was sent clear of Slater by Gary Flitcroft and Shirtliff made no mistake as he tucked the ball under Davis to make it one-nil. Giants should have doubled their advantage when Alan Cork recieved a square pass from Flitcroft but he put the ball just wide with the goal at his mercy. It was a real let off for Real-JD who would go on to capitalise just before the break. It was a scrappy affair with both teams battling for posession without much in the way of goalscoring opportunities, however Walker teed up a shot for Dave Sorensen and his effort cannoned off Carlos to decieve Kevin Pilkington and spun into the back of the net to even it up at one-apiece at half-time.

With the game evenly poised Giants looked more composed and had more of the ball and they made their posession count as Cork sent Shirtliff through to stab the ball past Davis again to restore their lead. With time running out JD just couldn't keep the ball or use it well, Walker was trying rally his players but the effort was lacking and Giants punished JD late on from a corner. Cork played it to the far post and Dave Sorensen had let Gary Flitcroft peel away from him and tuck the ball safely into the back of the net to make it three-one. Game over.

1.Phil Davis (unconvincing) 2.Richie Summerfield (considering first game back was ok, maybe not 100% match fit yet) 23.Paul Slater (naiiive at times but worked hard as usual) 13.Dave Swannick (only played seven minutes but lacking pace on second goal) 4.James Walker(c) (arguably the best player on the night but just couldn't make it count ) 12.Dave Sorensen ( ) 17.Carlos Mathews (goal was only real contribution) 9.Alex Dandy (Never got into the game)
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DIVISION THREE
LOKOMOTIV SELLY OAK 4-1 ULYSSES (ht: 2-1)
at the Tesco-Express Arena, Birmingham

Lokomotiv Selly Oak did their releagtion survival hopes a world of good with a four-one thumping of Ulysses last night, Andreas Lewald made Lokomotiv history by becoming the first overseas player to score for the club. Player/Manager Matt Shotton also presented frenchman Clement Vuarchey his debut and he was instrumental in Lokomtiv's third win in four games as they look set to hold onto their place in division three.

Richie Summerfield, Alex Dandy and Phil Davis were all omitted from the squad which allowed Vuarchey and Lewald into the team and Mark Oldfield started in goal. Oldfield did well making several decent stops before Andreas Lewald opened his account for the club with a low rasping drive from an acute angle, following good work from Vuarchey on the right wing. Owen Dimbylow bagged his seventh goal of the season as he tucked away a one-on-one with Zjelco Kalac, two-nil. Mark Oldfield was beaten by a deflected shot that squeezed between his legs, to reduce the margin, just before the break. Two-one at halftime.

Matt Shotton produced another master-stroke as he replaced Oldfield with top-goalscorer Owen Dimbylow in goal at halftime: "Well, Owen had done his bit, to be honest, he'd got a goal and we were infront and felt that with Oldfield going out with fresh legs we'd have the edge over them and it worked." It certainly did as Mark Gustavson pushed forward from midfield and beat Kalac with a fierce low-drive into the bottom left-hand corner to make it three-one. Lokomotiv were well in control and effectively ended the game as a contest with five minutes remaining when Lewald cut in from the left to curl in his second, and Lokomotiv's fourth, of the night.

Matt Shotton had this to say: "Of course I'm delighted, to be honest, we've gone into this game without our regular 'keeper, without Richie Summerfield, Alex Dandy and Dean Powell so to get a win by this scoreline is absolutely fantastic and I can't complement my players enough, they were superb tonight."

Man of the match: Andreas Lewald

3.Matt Shotton(c) (captain marvel was reliable at the back again ) 14.Andreas Lewald (two goals and a perfect performance) 6.Mark Gustavson (great goal and solid yet again) 4.Mark Oldfield (played half game in goal and half well outfield) 5.Charlie Martyn (had another top game) 13.Clement Vuarchey (solid debut in midfield for the frenchman) 10.Owen Dimbylow (scored again,kept clean sheet in second half as 'keeper,excellent performance )

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DIVISION FOUR
JD-LIONS 0-8 WEOLY WANDERERS (ht: 0-5)
at the University of the City of Birmingham Stadium in Birmingham

Any promotion hopes James Walker may have been harbouring were smashed last night as he saw his side destroyed before halftime against champions elect Weoly Wanderers. Gareth Barry Jnr did the most damage as he scored four and made two to make it a miserable night in the rain for the toothless Lions.

'Keeper Phil Davis was beaten in the first minute by a Barry Jnr strike and then Dave Sorensen was caught napping and was nutmegged, Barry Jnr flicked the ball over the advancing Davis to make it two-nil with only two minutes gone. Things went from bad to worse for Lions who were outclassed and outpassed by a younger and quicker team who reamain unbeaten this season following their promotion from division five. It continued to be a one-sided affair throughout the rest of the half as Lions lost their shape and composure as Weoly Wanderers rattled in another three before the break.

Things didn't get better in the second half as Wanderers scored within the first few seconds, Richie Summerfield was unlucky to see his clearance charged down by Barry Jnr which span past a bewildered Davis for goal number seven. Carlos reverted back to defence to plug the enormously exposed gaps for JD-Lions and stemmed the flow of goals until Barry Jnr belted in another to complete the rout two minutes from time. Eight fucking nil.

"I don't know what to say really, they played us off the park but that's obvious, to be fair, you don't need to have watched it to know that, they've shifted eight goals because they're a top team and they're unplayable but we didn't help ourselves by letting our heads go down so early on in the game, yet again."

1.Phil Davis (had a torrid night, conceded eight goals) 2.Richie Summerfield (possibly too much too soon playing against unplayable players ) 23.Paul Slater (couldn't cope with Wanderers attack ) 13.Dave Swannick (no chance against pace and skill of wanderers players ) 4.James Walker(c) (couldn't get a foothold in game) 12.Dave Sorensen (virtually a spectator) 9.Alex Dandy (cut off from game) 17.Carlos Mathews (played defence second half and did well)

A rhyme about benefit fraud

I fill in the forms, tick the box 'yes' or 'no'

Go to jobcentre plus back-and-forth, to-and-fro,

Don't you understand that I had to leave Iraq?

I'll be shot and killed if I ever go back!

Please understand that my future is bleaker,

If I cannot stay here as an asylum seeker.

"When I processed your claim I had my doubts,

Now I've got you Mr Davis you've been found out!"

"There's somthing on your form that's rather puzzling,

By the way there's two 'i's in shi'ite muslim!"

"I must say that I'm frankly appauled,

At your attempt to commit benefit fraud!"

A rhyme about smoking

I'm not being ironic; nor am I joking,
When I say that I love smoking.

Getting addicted was a mistake, But I don't think about that whilst having a fag-break.

The feeling I get when I'm taking drags, To the satisfaction I have have buying duty-free fags.

I know that it's bad for my health, like alot of things, I just enjoy it while I can and see what the future brings.

Uhlsport fangmaschine soft

I have never owned a pair of Uhlsport gloves despite them being one of the market leaders for years. Having worn Selsport, Adidas, Puma, Vintage, Umbro, Nike, Sondico, Reusch and Sells; I thought that now was the time to try Uhlsport.

I really like these gloves as they posess excellent grip on a 3mm top quality german latex palm so it softens impact of shots. Index and little finger of palm and backhand are internally stitched for the 'surround-cut' which is good for a snug fit. Fleece like material inside the gloves palm means that your hands are kept warm aswel. These gloves are effective when slightly damp so the grip is very reliable in wet or dry. Innovative wrist-strap closure with 'flex-zone' means that you can customise your fit. The gloves are quite thick and the cushioning on palm and backhand is resiliant to high impact shots. Got two pairs for price of one from Pro-Direct.com, three days delivery.

MATT SHOTTON IS 'GOING LOKO'

Furious Pigeon bagged an exclusive interview with the man that 'they hate to love', player/manager for Lokomotiv Selly Oak; Matt Shotton. He really is a tricky man to get hold of for interviews, so how did we get him? Begging, back-handers and blowjobs, that's how! Be grateful and read the story of a great man.

Shotton is clearly fond of football and cites Michael Duberry and Jonathon Woodgate as his biggest influences within the game as he grew up a Leeds United fan, Elland Road was his second home: "I used to have a part-time job at the local coal-mine where my dad worked and we worked a sixty-two hour week to save up to buy a pair of Reebok sidewinders, my whole family had to eat old newspapers and soil from the back-garden to save up for those boots and to go and watch Leeds play each week."

With those first boots Shotton took his first steps into the game and was a successful schoolboy with his team Churwell primary school who won every local trophy in yorkshire. As a youth Shotton scored a left-foot volley from the halfway line in a match watched by none other than Chris Kamara, many believe that this is where 'Kammie' first uttered his catch-phrase: "unbelievable" although those reports are unconfirmed.

Shotton is unlike your conventional football manager, an honoured law-graduate and a scholar; hence the nickname bestowed upon him by fans and the media who call him: 'The Martin O'Neil of the Birmingham leisure-leagues division three', Shotton believes that it's "A bit of a mouthfull, to be honest, I prefer Brian Clough 2."

So how did he come to have the top-job at one of the newest clubs in the league: "Phil Davis says to me; 'Matt, we need an honest team that this area can be proud of and a manager who does things by the book, I'll set up the club if you are the boss. Phil couldn't do it himself because the FA were investigating him and he was arrested on corruption charges at the time, so I said 'yes' and we went from there. I'd met Phil in June as we were working as a removals man at a solicitors firm in the city centre and we hit it off. We're not gay, though."

The pair played together with Middlesborozil in the leisure leagues premiership in Solihul and subsequently at City of Newman College premiership with Red Star Wellplayed and LA Galaxy Caramel. Shotton scored the club's (LA Galaxy Caramel) only goal in a 1-1 draw just prior to their liquidation but Shotton is not bitter: "We had some great times and I met players who I've subsequently signed for Lokomotiv, Richie Summerfield, Alex Dandy and Phil Davis himself...it was a learning curve which has laid the foundations for Lokomotiv Selly Oak."

So much is Shotton's dedication to his new post he has even moved to Selly Oak, effectively ending recent press speculation that he is not committed: "I love Selly Oak, it's great, varied, the people, the culture, the atmosphere, you know it all resonates from a rapidly growing club who've got a great stadium, The Tesco-Express Arena is fantastic...Lokomotiv really are a sleeping giant, etc, etc...."

It has not been plain sailing this season for Lokomotiv; two wins out of four means that questions have been asked and pressure has been applied, which may explain Shotton's tempestuous relationship with the media: "It's no secret that we don't get on, to be honest but I can't say too much because there are still legal proceedings ongoing...journalists are like crabs (pubic lice) they cling to you and feed, ugly, pathetic creatures that rely on you despite not actually caring for you... blood-sucking parasites who need you for their quality of life and do nothing for you, except being a nuisance that you have to live with. A journalist without football managers is nothing, they can't exist but a football manager without journalists is a man getting on with his job just fine. I've never had crabs by the way."

Shotton's next test comes on sunday against Ulysees as his side Lokomotiv will be hoping for more words of wisdom from their coach to escape the relegation dog-fight.

Matt Shotton's book: 'I'll Leeds the way' is out now, priced £14.95 which is really expensive but there are some priceless photo's in the middle

JD-LIONS 3-4 ATHLETICO MABAD

Division Four
JD-LIONS 3-4 ATHLETICO MABAD (ht:2-3)
@City of Selly Oak Arena

JD-Lions unbeaten run came to an end last night as Athletico stole both points in a seven-goal-thriller at Selly Oak Arena, disconsulate JD player/manager James Walker said: "We paid the price for some sloppy defending, they (Athletico) only had five shots and four went in but that's what this game is all about. Promotion just became a very difficult goal to achieve."


Athletico were ahead after three minutes, the early warning signs were there as Pierre Van Hoojidonk had gone close but it was Daniel Amokachi who turned Slater and played in the unmarked Roy Wegerle who steered the ball over Davis. Dave Sorensen got JD on level terms within two minutes as he slid a shot past Dave Seaman. Ken Charlery made it 2-1 with a low drive across Davis following good work from Wegerle and Amokachi but JD equalized again when Paul Slater met Steve Harris' quickly taken free-kick and struck an unstoppable shot beyond Seaman into the far-corner to even it up again.

Athletico made sure that they went into the break infront as Swannick was beaten by Wegerle and he whipped a low drive past Davis who got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out, 2-3.


Just after the break and leading goalscorer Alex Dandy added to his impressive tally for the season when he took a touch and flicked the ball past John Moncur and beat Seaman with a fierce drive, 3-3.


Athletico sealed the win with less than three minutes to go when Slater delayed on the ball and allowed Amokachi to hook his foot around the ball from fully twenty yards and it crept into the far corner beyond a bewildered Davis, 3-4: "Yeah, I didn't have a good one there if I'm honest, every shot seemed to go in so I'll hold my hands up for that defeat."


JD-Lions' Player/Manager James Walker was left seething by fans in the Bristol Road end of the ground who continuously booed Dave Sorensen throughout the game: "It's unbelievable, to be fair, the fact that people are allowed to voice their opinion, with freedom of speech which shouldn't be allowed. Footballers don't get enough money to put up with booing, they need protection from the truth. We can't have footballers realising what the people who pay their wages are thinking, I've set about getting a new kit for the entire team which is made of very dense, yet comfortable, cotton-wool. Bless Dave Sorensen, he's distraught."
The result means that JD-Lions have not moved up the table and they have a mammoth task against unbeaten all season Weoly Wanderers on sunday in a must-win game.

Man of the match: Steve Harris
Referee: 5/10

1.Phil Davis (should have done better with the goals ) 23.Paul Slater (as ever gave 100% scored a great goal but at fault for fourth goal) 4.James Walker(c)(sharp and constructive )24. Steve Harris (solid tackling, worked hard considering he's just back from injury and had an assist) 12.Dave Sorensen (excellent workrate and great goal ) 9.Alex Dandy (caused defence and keeper problems ) 17.Carlos Mathews (very unlucky infront of goal, held the ball up well ) 13.Dave Swannick (worked hard )

Division Two
REAL-JD 5-0 BAYERN MUSIC (ht:2-0)
@ The Tesco Express Arena

JD boss James Walkers' squad faced up to Bayern Music for the first time in their history and gave them a lesson in football as they easily beat the leagues newest team.

Real-JD were running rampant and could and should hav gone ahead alot earlier than they did, Carlos hit the post with a near-post effort and was denied by the woodwork again with the 'keeper stranded moments later, eventually Dave Sorensen broke Bayern's resistance as he cooly finished a nice move started by the irrepressible James Walker. Walker got on the scoresheet himself in the seventh minute when he drilled in a 'daisy-cutter' that decieved Eric Nixon, two-nil and it was really game over.

It wasn't until the final two minutes when JD made proved their worth infront of goal and scored three more unanswered goals Carlos fired in an unstoppable goal to make it three-nil followed quickly by Dave Sorensen who doubled his tally for the night and then Carlos completed his brace with second goal in a minute to make it five-nil.
Real-JD were delighted to welcome back defender Steve Harris who was superb and looks to have shaken his injury for good as long as he stays fit JD have a reliable replacement for, still sidlined, Richie Summerfiled who hopes to make a return to first team duties against Grovesy's Giants on sunday.

Man of the match: James Walker
Referee: 6/10

1.Phil Davis (didn't have much to do, excellent distribution ) 23.Paul Slater (comfortable ) 4.James Walker(c) (superb getting up and down the pitch playmaking and a great goal ) 24.Steve Harris (solid and strong, injury looks well behind him)13.Dave Swannick (looked very good, determined ) 12.Dave Sorensen (as ever gave 100% and looked dangerous going forward ) 9.Alex Dandy (two great goals and a feisty performance ) 17.Carlos Mathews (unlucky not to score a hat-trick, hit the post three times) )


Friendly
LOKOMOTIV SELLY OAK 5-3 JD-LIONS (ht:3-2)
@ The University of Birmingham Stadium

Lokomotiv Player/Manager Matt Shotton was without German midfielder Andreas Lewald and left-back Richie Summerfield against JD-Lions in a friendly which meant that Lokomotiv were awarded a 5-0 forfeit victory which has helped them no-end in the relegation dog-fight.

It was a conflict of interests for 'keeper Phil Davis who plays for both clubs but it was a pleasant excercise for both teams who conducted themselves perfectly well in a clean, but pacey, game. Owen Dimbylow put Lokomotiv two goals up early on, despite the efforts of stand-in JD-Lions 'keeper Dave 'the wall' Swannick who was sensational in keeping the scoreline down until JD got into their stride.

James Walker tested Davis with a long-range curling effort which the brummie stopper turned away from a corner, Dave Sorensen also worked the 'keeper but it seemed that there was no way through until Alex Dandy's scissor half-volley which flew in to reduce the defecit. Dimbylow set up Charles Martyn for his second goal of the season to make it three-one before Walker pulled another goal back when he rifled the ball in off both posts at Davis' near-post, three-two. Dimbylow completed his hat-trick when Oldfield sent him clear of JD-Lions backline to make it four-two. Dave Sorensen was put through by Walker late on and he calmly sent Davis the wrong way to make it three-four and the scoring was completed when Dimbylow grabbed his fourth as he thumped the ball past sub-keeper Paul Slater, who had made several top saves, to make it five-three.

The post-match press conference at The Gunbarrells Public House descended into farce when Lokomotiv Player/Manager Matt Shotton had to be restrained and lead away by police and security guards after it was alledged he that the yorkshireman assaulted a photographer: "He got in my face when I told him to keep within the boundries of the press and photographers section, it's clear where he is supposed to be sat and he came right up to my table and whispered some unpleasant things to get a reaction out of me and he got that, because I chinned the cunt a sweet one on the chin."

Shotton was released without charge but refused to apologise for his actions: "It's lamentable, but I'm not sorry for him, he is a parasite but it is regrettable, don't punch people kids...I had to go to the police station and the filth wouldn't even make me a cup of tea!"

Man of the match: Owen Dimbylow
Referee: 5/10

1.Phil Davis (made three great saves) 3.Matt Shotton(c) (looked as comfortable as ever and was unlucky not to score ) 4.Charles Martyn (great goal and decent effort in midfield) 5.Mark Oldfield (looks better in midfield and showed some nice touches) 6.Mark Gustavson (confident passing and marking )10.Owen Dimbylow (another solid performance and scored some great goals) 22.Dean Powell (so unlucky not to score but played very well)

13.Dave Swannick (made some outstanding saves) 23.Paul Slater (played in goal second half and was immense) 4.James Walker (great goal and unlucky not to get more) 12.Dave Sorensen (threatening infront of goal) 9.Alex Dandy (superb) 99.John Smith (looked skillfull)

JD-LIONS 6-4 KINGS NORTON

Division Four
JD-LIONS 6-4 KINGS NORTON (ht:4-0)
at The City of Selly Oak Stadium

JD-Lions continue to climb the table as they leap-frogged fifth-placed Kings Norton in a ten-goal thriller. The two sides have swapped places with JD a point ahead of their south Birmingham rivals.
Alex Dandy proved to be the differance for JD again as he scored a superb hat-trick taking his goals tally for the season to eighteen. Defender Paul Slater, who had an excellent game, opened the scoring as he stabbed home from a Dave Sorensen corner to make it one-nil, Carlos made it two after five minutes when he thumped the ball beyond Kasey Kellar. Dandy grabbed his first of the night to give JD a three goal lead (pictured) and then made it four on the stroke of halftime with another fine finish having been teed up by player manager James Walker.

The game should have been wrapped up, however Kings Norton gradually go more into the game, Steve Burrows took the game by the scruff of the neck and steadied the Kings Norton ship. It was Burrows who pulled the fist goal back for Kings Norton as he played a long through-ball for Ronnie Rosenthal to chase but it eluded him and right-back Dave Swannick let the ball run through his feet which decieved Davis and the ball skidded through and in off both posts. It was an awful defensive mistake and reduced the arrears, four-one. Moments later and Kings Norton scored again this time Rosenthal did get on the end of a Burrows quickly taken free-kick and swivelled past Slater and beat Davis with a curling shot, four-two.

Davis took matters into his own hands, literally, as he slung a pitch-length through-ball pass for Dandy to chase and the JD striker made no mistake in scoring his hat-trick goal as he toe-poked the ball past Kellar to make it five-two. JD should have shut up shop again, but they didn't, sloppy play from Walker on the edge of his own area let Rosenthal have a shot which Davis tipped onto the post only to see the rebound slammed home by Mark Hately. Five-three. Within a minute Hately was on the scoresheet again Burrows slid a pass down the left-flank and Hately drilled it in. Five-four. Carlos made sure that there would be no comeback and secured the points for the Lions when he smashed in a sixth goal to end Kings Norton's brave resistance.

Player/manager James Walker wa able to celebrate his birthday with a win: "We made that a lot harder than it needed to be, we defended terribly and really let our foot of the gas but it's a win and that is the main thing at this time of the season and I thought Dandy and Carlos were superb tonight. We did miss Richie Summerfield tonight, to be fair and we've still got no Steve Harris but if we can keep winning we still have a chance of getting out of this division."

JD Lions are now unbeaten in eight games in division four and sit in fifth place and face upsurging Athletico MaBad FC next sunday in what is surley a 'must-win' game.

1.Davis 4.Walker 23.Slater(sub:13.Swannick) 12.Sorensen 9.Dandy 17.Carlos (Man-of-the-match: Alex Dandy.)
Division Three
LOKOMOTIV SELLY-OAK 0-2 FC DISASTA (ht: 0-1) at the Tesco Express Arena

Player/manager Matt Shotton was without striker Dean Powell (flu) and left-back Richie Summerfield (groin) going into a tricky clash with promotion chasing FC Disasta. It was a night of frustration for the big yorkshireman however as his side were outgunned and are back in the relegation zone, second from bottom on 'alphabetical difference'!

FC Disasta started brightly and played some good football, slick passing was the order of the day and meant that they carved out several chances and could have gone infront as early as the third minute when Darren Higginbottom drew Davis out of position and squared the ball to George Kinkladze who had an open goal but somehow Davis recovered and stretched to claw the ball out to safety. Davis was in action again moments later when Oldfield was turned on the left-flank by Kinkladze whose shot was tipped onto the post by the brummie veteran and the ball bounced harmlessly back into the 'keeper's arms. Andreas Lewald was singled out for 'special treament' by the Disasta players and Kinkladze and Higginbottom were both spoken to by the referee for late challenges from behind on the big german. "Well, you know, I am really flattered that they went after me, maybe they thought that I was a real threat? But it's okay, you know, I'm not hurt, I can handle it. I had fun."

Matt Shotton was having another sterling game at the back, marshalling his defence in the absence of his defensive partner Summerfield. Indeed Shotton began Lokomotiv's best move of the game as he linked up with Dimbylow who fed Dandy with a great through-ball but the striker fired wide as he was one-on-one with Lenny Pidgley. Moments following that and FC Disasta wer ahead, right on halftime as Higginbottom peeled away from Lewald from a quickly taken free-kick and lobbed the onrushing Davis to break the deadlock. "It seemed like whoever scored first was going to win this one, to be honest. It was a bit like chess to start with and just after Dandy missed that chance they smelt blood and took advantage of us being a bit slow at the back and it's cost us dear." said player/manager Shotton.

In the second half Martyn and Dimbylow were causing problems and making decent headway in the midfield but just couldn't breach the Disasta backline and they lacked any real open goalscoring opportunities, FC Disasta put more pressure on and as Lokomotiv tired Davis ended up being the busier 'keeper and kept the score at one. With time running out though Disasta did get their rewards for the hard work as a quickly taken free-kick from Kinkladze flew past Shotton and Stewart, Davis didn't even move. Two-nil and it was all over.
"I can take some positives out of it, certainly. Charlie Martyn and Dimblylow are both playing well and link up well so I do see us with potential, we just need to be a bit more organised and alert at the back, we did miss Summerfield, to be honest but Mark Oldfield has done superbly to fit in at the back and keep up with the midfield, We're getting there but we're playing with a new couple of lads each week and it's tough to get a regular pattern going but I'm certain that we'll get there and that we'll be safe. I've added Mark Gustavson and Martin Stewart to the squad and they both had very positive debuts for us, which is great." said and upbeat Matt Shotton at the post-match press conferance.

Lokomotiv face Maypole allstars next sunday Maypole Allstars who are still not safe from the relegation zone as they sit just above and one point ahead of Lokomotiv: "It's a big game, we need to get somthing there otherwise we could drop back into the relegation zone." Lokomotiv will have to do it without german defender Andreas Lewald and Richie Summerfield who will continue to miss out due to a groin injury. Man of the match: Phil Davis.

1.Davis 3.Shotton(sub:14.Lewald) 4.Oldfield 5.Martyn 6.Gustavson(sub:12.Stewart )10.Dimbylow(sub:9.Dandy)

Friendly
REAL-JD 2-6 RUBERY (ht: 0-2)

at Tesco Express Arena

Real JD had no opposition in division two and as a result were awarded a 5-0 forfeit victory.The forfeit, albeit frustrating, has kept Real-JD in fourth place and piling pressure on Winalot Penguins.

Real-JD approached the game with little intent and didn't play much in the way of good football, Rubery were clearly the more enthusiatic and switched on of the two sides and they passed and moved quickly with invention and tested Davis regularly so it came as no surprise as Rubery were two up at the interval.

Dave Sorensen and Alex Dandy claimed the two JD consolation goals. Man of the match: Dave Sorensen.

1.Davis 23.Slater 4.Walker 13.Swannick 12.Sorensen 9.Dandy(sub:17.Carlos)

NATASHA

It was my mates' birthday bash, I'd managed to borrow some cash, And gone out on the lash, with the intention of getting smashed.

Saw a fit girl with a silk sash, In the beer garden smoking hash, So over I dash, up-close I realised that she had a tash!

Regardless I chatted up and we got mashed, But she was a bit brash, We had a minor personality clash, So I went to re-assess whilst I had a slash.

At the end of the night as subtle as a car-crash, She gave me a flash of her gash, then she sucked me off and her tash left me with a pelvis rash!

BLUETOOTH

Two lads see a chap,
And indulge in a 'happy-slap' using WAP,
The poor kid starts to flap,
His nose running like a tap, head feeling like crap.

The police look through the chav's phone,He starts to moan and groan,Poetic justice leaves the chav prone with a broken bone,And the stupid police filmed themselves doing that that on their phone!

Now they're all in court; who's telling the truth?The police, the chav or chap who lost a tooth?The judge hits the roof, because of all the proof,Despite having both video's on his own phone via blue-tooth!

DON'T WORRY, I CAN MANAGE

Furious pigeon has spoken to the foot-soldiers and now it's time to speak to the general...Player/Manager James Walker.

From the moment we began talking it becomes obvious that James Walker is a down to earth 'player's manager', which there are not enough of in football today: "I'm sure that it helps that I play every game and the lads have an affinity with me, I watch them, I play with them and I understand them. I love the coaching job and I'm so grateful for it since I recovered from a broken leg in 2006." That injury almost ended Walker's involvement in football but that fractured tibia was the 'big break' that the brummie gaffer needed: "Two months back into playing and I was given the managers job from Mathew Cross (with whom Walker used to play) and eventually I started 'JD-Lions' as a rival to Cross's Bryan Munich and took Richie Summerfield with me and I've never regretted it."
Walker cites beating his former club, along with his team-mates with Richie Summerfield and Dave Sorensen, as his most memorable moment as a player and manager: "Oh, it was absolutely great, so satisfying considering they'd had the better of the derby games prior to that night. Dave, Rich and myself go back over twenty years so, for us, it was a great feeling and then 'Bryan' as a club fell apart that week and are now defunct. That was a shame because we all love a derby match, if we win it!"

Winning a derby match is all well and good and may sound as though Walker has been starved of success, far from it; as a youngster Walker was involved with the highly successfull with Vora Lions FC winning a six-a-side trophy handed over by Doug Ellis, the owner of Aston Villa who Walker has supported his entire life, idolising David Platt. Walker has many great memories from his school team Colmers Farm (now 'Colmers'-a bit like Emmerdale!) and won they league with Frankley however missed out on a cup final win due to his age, despite having scored the winner in the semi-final! "Yeah, that still winds me up even today, red-tape won that year but I'd done my bit."

Walker's only real achievement with JD was gaining promotion with JD-Lions from division five just over a year ago and believes that the only way is up: "We've been treading water for twelve months due to signing new players and galvanising the squad but now that I know my group of players, their strength's and weaknesses I believe that this season we can get into division one which is where this club belongs. Carlos and Dandy are free-scoring and we don't have many problems at the back, Richie Summefield is always the first name on the teamsheet and I've sorted out the revolving-door which was our goalkeeping position. Dave Sorensen, Slater and Swannick are as reliable and determined as ever, we just hope that Steve Harris can recover and we will give ourselves the best opportunity of getting promotion."

FAN'S E-MAIL'S
What would be your all-time six-a-side team to play at Birmingham University leisure leagues if you had a 'Roman Abramovic Time-machine'? Tom, Slough
1.Schmeichel 2.Maldini 3.Cafu 4.Zidane 5.Messi 6.Shearer

Who is your favourite 'JD' player? Paul Slater, Birmingham
Don't have a favourite player, it's like if you have children you love them all equally.

Who has the best haircut out of all the 'JD' team? Paul Slater, Birmingham
Certainly isn't Alex Dandy.

Is it true that you turned down the England job? Carl Taylor, York
I applied for it but I didn't like the hours so I withdrew my application.

James Walker's autobiography: "A 'Walk' in the park" is available from WHSmiths and Waterstone's priced £7.95 (which is a bit steep considering all of the spelling mistakes over a mere 127 pages)

PHIL DAVIS DRAWINGS

JD-LIONS 1-1 AAA FC

DIVISION FOUR
JD-LIONS 1-1 AAA FC (ht:0-1)
at The Tesco-Express Arena

West Midlands Police are to investigate reports that JD-Lions goalkeeper Phil Davis was racially abused throughout the second half of the game, last night. It is alledged that elements of the crowd in the Bristol Road End chanted racial abuse at the veteran 'keeper who refused to comment on the incident.

Dave Sorensen earned JD Lions a priceless point against high-flying AAA last night to keep JD's feignt promotion ambitions alive. AAA took the lead just before half-time with their first real chance of the match, Mickey Mellon squared the ball to Steve Stone who let fly, Davis did remarkably well to tip the shot onto the post but the ball came back off the upright and struck the prone 'keeper on the back of the head and bounced into net.

In the second half JD Lions continued to press and carved out more chances, Walker put Dandy through but Lions' top scorer could only hit the side-netting, Carlos also went close as his shot whistled past the upright. James Walker was involved in an ugly altercation with Mellon who, arguably, should have been given his marching orders for an 'ale-house' tackle from the ensueing melee parity was restored, Walker burst forward and was brought down again, referee Uriah Pennie waved play-on as Dandy squared the ball to Dave Sorensen who tucked the ball away to level the scores. Sorensen, Slater and Summerfield were rock solid at the back as ever to plug any gaps and when AAA did find a way through Phil Davis was more than equal to whatever was thrown at him as he made several smart saves to earn his side a share of the spoils. One-one it finished which was a fair result.

JD Lions are in sixth place and unbeaten in their last seven games but next week must play Kings Norton who are just above them in the league. "It would be great to beat them because it would give us a bit of breathing space as we come into the final eight games." said player/manager Walker. "Playing the way we are at the moment, with confidence and always looking like scoring, I can see us getting up the top and challenging near the end of the season but it's going to be tough."

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 12.Sorensen 23.Slater(sub:13.Swannick) 4.Walker 9.Dandy(sub:17.Carlos) MAN-OF-THE-MATCH: Phil Davis?

FRIENDLY
REAL-JD 4-0 DISTURBED FC (ht: 2-0)
at Red-Bull Cola Centre, Birmingham, Alabama

"Bitterly disapointing to be honest." said player/manager James Walker following PL Quake's igneminious exit from the league, the polish side had dropped from the division meaning that JD could not get revenge for their 2-2 with the Krakow team back in august. JD were awarded the 5-0 forfeit victory which see's Real-JD climb to fourth in the table, the highest since august. JD played an 'exhibition' match instead against division one Disturbed FC.

Alex Dandy was the obvious hero and man of the match again as he bagged a brace to add to his, already, impressive tally for the season. Dandy struck early on, despite the presence of Julian Dicks, with a well-placed drive into the bottom left-hand corner beyond Stephan Postma to give JD the lead. 'Alex-The-Great' doubled JD's advantage inside seven minutes when he lost his marker and flicked the ball with the outside of his left boot after a delightful throughball from Summerfield who was solid at the back and instrumental in bringing the ball out of defence for JD as ever.

Carlos also got on the scoresheet when he blasted home at the near post following good work from Sorensen to tee-up his team-mate and Dave Swannick completed the scoring on a great night for JD when he pounced on a loose ball and slid it past Postma to make it 4-0.

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 12.Sorensen 23.Slater 4.Walker(sub:13.Swannick) 9.Dandy(sub:17.Carlos) MAN-OF-THE-MATCH: Alex Dandy?

DIVISION THREE
LOKOMOTIV SELLY OAK 4-2 STANDARD LI-ANGLESY (ht: 3-0)
at Tesco Express Arena

Owen Dimbylow blew Standard Li-Angleysy out of the water on sunday night with a sensational
hat-trick to open the gap between the bottom two sides. Lokomotiv are out of the relegation zone for the first time this season, player/manager Mat Shotton only took charge two weeks ago and has already dug his team out of danger; "Well, we've all chipped in, to be honest, I've got a decent bunch of lads here who know their strengths and weaknesses and we just work top them, it's not rocket-science but we can get out of danger and get safety, that's the idea."

One of Lokomotiv's 'strengths' is Owen Dimbylow who tore Standards defence apart in the first half as Summerfield, Oldfield and Martyn were supplying the goal-getter with the perfect service and he gave John Frain a torrid evening from as early as the second minute when he beat Frain for pace and smashed the ball beyond a hapless Bart Griemink and it was soon followed by number two, Summerfield-to-Martyn ho squared it to Dimbylow and he slid the ball in off the far post. Martyn also got on the scoresheet too as he chased a throughball from Alex Dandy and slid the ball underneath Griemink, three-nil. Debutant Andreas almost got booked when he cynically tripped Sidwell as halftime approached but the referee let the german off with a verbal warning.

In the second half Standard crept into the game but found Summerfield and Shotton almost impregnable, however Steve Sidwell managed to pull one back for the bottom club as the ball ran loose from a throw-in and the 'ginger-ninja' volleyed the ball past a stranded Davis. Dimbylow was in the mood for goals, however, and completed his hat-trick with five minutes to go with a vicious low-drive, across the 'keeper into the far-post. Four-one. It could have been five a minute later when debutant Dean Powell, who showed some nice touches, came off the bench and had his effort well saved by Griemink.
Standard did manage a consolation goal right at the end when Sidwell again engineered a chance for himself and beat Oldfield for pace and fired past Davis at his near post, the game ended four-two.

Lokomotiv will face FC Disasta next week hoping to build on this win and get further away from the drop zone: "Well, we really needed that, we've won this one but there's alot of hard work to do before we can relax, we know that. We're out of the relegation zone for now and just need to make sure up-the-tempo and get some more points on the board and try to survive the drop. I can praise the lads highly enough, to be honest, Richie Summerfield was superb again and Phil's (Davis) has made a few decent saves but Owen (Dimbylow) with them three goals has won it for us, to be honest. I was pleased with us performance for lots of reasons,to be honest, Mark Oldfield linked up well and looked much more composed this week, we just need to eliminate the silly mistakes we made at the back in the second half."

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 5.Martyn (sub:3.Shotton) 14.Andreas? 4.Oldfield (sub:22.Powell) 10.Dimbylow MAN-OF-THE-MATCH: Owen Dimbylow

SPITTING FEATHERS!-The pigeon rants and bitches about the week of football that just happend

1.Poland need to get their house in order, otherwise they won't host euro 2012 and risk their world cup qualifying campaign being hampered by 0-3 forfeits.
2.Nice to see champions league underdogs Cluj and Famagusta upsetting the natural order, they are europes equivalent to Hull City. Go tigers!
3.Reuben Noble-Lazarus! The 15 years and 45 days old schoolboy became the youngest ever footballer in britain, full respect...now tidy your room and do your homework!
4.Everton are cack.
5.Respect to Pompey for their UEFA cup fightback at midnight, go on Crouchy, you are my favourite posh-giraffe.
6.Four games on Match of the day!? What a joke and the games were shit. The reason? Footballers playing in UEFA cup need an extra day off! Lazy bastards, I don't get two fucking days off after I've finished work, pay me £60,000+ and I'll play every day! These lazy cunts want to try getting a real job, soft bastards.
7.Spurs are so wank it's almost stopped being funny. I say almost, I did chuckle when Hull got three points at the White Hart Lame (not a spelling mistake, a spelling mistake would be calling it 'the lane') Juande, get your coat and clear your desk because you are in danger of turning a potential champions league club into a championship club.
8.Geovani is going for goal of the month every month and fairplay to him, he entertains me.
9.Vidic elbowed Brown for the first goal against Blackburn, why do ref's give needless free-kicks for people legally challenging 'keepers but when one gets assaulted he gives it? Don't be frightend of Sir Alex Ferguson, ref's, he has to get up four times a night for a piss.
10.So happy to see Skrtel get hurt, he is a horrible, tattoed scallie prick and it was karma at Middle-Eastlands because he stamped on a player and didn't get sent off, all's well that ends well.