SNACK

Wensleydale with cranberry and HP-steak sauce on jacobs cream crackers

Furious eating, posh-style. Reclaiming posh food, because it's all fairly cheap-it's not just for footlights.

PHIL DAVIS ON: 'RULES ARE GAY'

I pay alot of money to live here, well, my girlfriend pays most of it because I'm on minimum wage, but I'm not aloud to smoke!?

You can't stop me from lighting up in the corridoor and nipping out the apartment block door to smoke though, can you? Ha ha, I win...sort of.

PHIL DAVIS HAS A NEW PHONE

My new phone the "Nokia Wonder-Brick 263ZRK" with wi-fi, bluetusk, surround-sound, sat-nav and the hands-free-kit doubles up as a sniper-rifle that fires paintballs.

This contract is so good that the call centre is based in heaven, when I first set up the network God himself rang me to see how happy I was with the service providings. I can also text Jesus with prayers...for free.

PIGEON-FEED

Keep e-mailing your opinions, questions and stories, folks. The pigeon will give feedback in due course.

Dear Furious-Pigeon, I work in an office block in Birmingham. Every day overweight people slow me down by using the lift to go up, or down, one floor and I work on the eighth floor. Am I a bad person for hating these useless, lazy, fat, cunts? What can I do about it? Phil, Birmingham

Hmm, difficult one. These people certainly are lazy, it's no wonder that Birmingham is 8.5% obese according to BBC news website. Maybe you could leave an anynomous note inside the lift saying; 'Attention! People who ride the lift one floor, you are fucking lazy. They are called "stairs" use them or I'll confiscate you're cake and pies. No wonder your partner cheats on you-you fuck like blind people fight! Sort your life out.'

Dear Mr. Pigeon, Your colleague Phil Davis nailed his colours to the mast, he is now a Toronto Maple Leaf's fan. What sports teams do you follow? Todd Kowalski, Florida

Well, in basketball my NBA team is Toronto Raptors, I like the Green Bay Packers in the NFL, my favourite team is Pittsburgh Penguins in the NHL and in football I support West Bromwich Albion.

Dear Furious-Pigeon, there is a guy at college that I am obsessed with. He is gorgeous but he doesn't even know I exist. What can I do? Poppy Willis, Kent

Make-up, lots of make-up. Short skirt, really high-heels, bleach your hair, wear fake eyelashes and flirt outrageously with him. Maybe sleep with one of his friends (make sure that you are really filthy in bed) so that he tells this 'gorgeous guy' and then your in. Or you could get a personality? I don't know I'm not an expert. PS, sorry for posting your name next to your question, Poppy, but I get cheap laughs from other people's misfortune.

Dear Furious-Pigeon, I think I ran over your mum the other day with my Fiat Stilo, sorry about that. If it's any consolation-she died screaming like a pig! John Smith, Coventry

Don't apologise, John. Or should I call you Trevor? Seen as though Trevor Collins is your real name! Maybe you should go and have a look in the boot of you Fiat Stilo, which is parked on the drive of your house, 142 Billis Close, Highfield, Coventry...I left you a surprise in there. I hope that you like it, Trevor...it may explain why you haven't seen your mother and father for the past week.

More of the dirty puppet

Look at his cock.

FURIOUS-EATING

Omelet: Red onions, green and yellow peppers

JD-LIONS 2-2 DILLIGAF

JD LIONS 2-2 DILLIGAF (Division 4)
at the Stade De Brum, Birmingham

The JD Lions losing streak is finally over following a well deserved point against tough-opposition Dilligaf. Carlos was again on the scoresheet as he bagged a brace to earn the Lions a vital point. Carlos' first goal owed much to his own ingenuity as, with his back to goal, he fired in a wicked back-heel that gave Marcus Trescothick in goal, no chance. Walker and Summerfield were marshalling Lions defence well again and protected the goal well, however Walker was unlucky when a hopeful shot from Paul Warhurst deflected off him, wrong-footing Davis who palmed the ball into his own net like a spastic. 1-1. Minutes later and Dilligaf were infront as Warhurst played a lovely one-two and poked the ball past Davis as the flat-footed defence looked on. Dilligaf had turned it around just before halftime and somehow they lead 2-1.

JD Lions pushed forward in search of an equaliser that looked ever likelybut Trescothick was putting up a barrier in goal as he twice denied Carlos with fantastic reaction saves, however Carlos had the last laugh as he took his goal tally for the season to four as he bullied and bashed his way into scoring a goal to level the contest at two-apiece. That's the way it finished. The draw means that Lions remain fourth from bottom and several points adrift behind AVFG, it's going to be a long, hard, slog if the Lions are going to survive relegation.

1.Davis 2.Summerfield(sub:Slater) 4.Walker 23.Slater 13.Sorensen 17.Carlos(sub:9.Dandy)


REAL JD 6-4 ALLSTARS (friendly)
at the Astro-Arena, Birmingham

Real JD were awarded a 5-0 forfeit victory for their opponents failure to appear and proceded to play one of the most entertaining friendlies of all time.
Carlos opened up the scoring yet again as he twisted and turned majestically like a gigantic ballarina and hit a vicious shot into the bottom corner, Real JD played some attractive football and looked confident and composed as they played the ball in-to-feet and with some slick passing went three goals up with Alex Dandy scoring for the seventh time this season (leading goalscorer) and Dave Swannick scoring his first and second of the campaign-the second was a delighfully well taken goal with a 'Michael Thomas for Arsenal last kick of the season vs Liverpool "Its up for grabs now..." style goal with the wierd seal-flip celebration'! Which I enjoyed immensely. Steve Harris who had been rock-solid all night had a sudden rush of blood to the head as he squared the ball to the opposing forward Stuart Ripley who curled it past Davis to reduce the arrears, 1-4.
No matter as Carlos frightend an Allstars defender out of the way and unleashed, yet another, fierce drive past the 'keeper.

This is where the game turned bizarre, in a five minute spell JD 'keeper Phil Davis was in a turkey shoot and was making save after save as his defenders seeme to abandon hope, despite being three goals infront, Davis wilted slightly and all of a sudden it was 3-5. Parity was restored for Real JD, however as Dave Sorensen was put through by Dandy and he made no mistake, scoring his sixth goal of the season to make it 6-3. The game wasn't over yet however as Ripley scored his second to reduce the defecit to two goals, 6-4 it finished.

The failure of JD's opponents to appear, yet again, resulted in a 5-0 forfeit victory for JD who are up to third in the league to the delight of player/manager James Walker: "We've been so much better than a month ago, the lads have got stuck in and turned 'would-be-defeats' into draws and 'would-be-draws' into wins which is why we've crept up the table and no-one seems to have noticed, which is great for us because we're an unknown force. People will keep underestimating us slightly and that doesn't bother me."

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 4.Walker(13.Swannick) 24.Harris(sub:23.Slater) 17.Carlos(sub:9.Dandy) 12.Sorensen


BARTLEY HARRIERS 3-0 LA GALAXY CARAMEL (Division 1)
at the city of Birmingham Stadium, Birmingham
An absolutely exhausted squad took on FC Walrus, some of whom had played two or three games in a row before kick off so it was no surprise as FC Walrus ran away with the points. The Walrus were infront as early as the third minute when Savo Milosovic's long-range 'daisy-cutter' squeezed into Davis' far-post, a minute later and Dean Saunders fired in an exocet from distance that made it two-nil and that's the way it stayed until halftime.

Throughout the second period Red Star were merely keeping FC Walrus at bay and allowing them only to shoot from distance, Davis made two decent saves to deny Milosovic but he couldn't prevent Saunders from getting his second of the game late on, as he ghosted in down the right channel and lifted the ball over the advancing Red Star 'keeper. three-nil and game over. The result leaves Galaxy well adrift at the bottom and desperately needing some points.

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 3.Shotton(sub:11.Slater) 4.Walker 8.Sorensen 7.Dandy

FC DISASTA 0-0 MAYPOLE HEROES (Division 3)
People's Republic of Birmingrad, Stadion, CCCP

FC Disasta and Maypole continue to be locked in a promotion battle as they sit in second and third place respectively following a stalemate at the Communist stadium on sunday evening.

JD Lions 'keeper Phil Davis and LA Galaxy right-back Mat Shotton were both sent out on-loan and performed very well in earning the north Birmingham side a point in a tepid, goaless draw. Shotton almost made a name for himself as he could and should have scored his second of the season when he latched onto a throughball from Smith but just couldn't get a good enough contact to break the deadlock.

13.Davis 22.Shotton 2.Smith 3.Smith 4.Smith 5.Smith


THE PIGEONS REACTION TO THE WEEKEND'S FOOTBALL
Ten quick-fire opinions from the editor-in-chief
1.If it wasn't for Shay Given-Newcastle would be in division two by now and they would probably still be going on about how they are one of the biggest clubs in the country. Fuck off and eat some coal, Geordies.
2.Arsenal are a bit rubbish now.
3.Mark Noble of West Ham is a div. He's toilet, dirty and naiive. How can he can argue with Howard Webb and then walk off shaking his head following his red-card at the city of Manchester stadium in Manchester where Manchester City play.
4.Carlos is on-form scoring four goals at the birmingham leisure-leagues and is not going to sign for Real Madrid.
5.Do not underestimate the promoted championship sides. Stoke and Hull have already exceeded the critics expections.
6.Michael Owen is still good, who'd've thought it? Just keep him fit and maybe England will stop being gash. 7.Davis James had an erratic week, just when we thought he was ace, can he get back on track? The Pigeon says 'yes'.
8.Jonathon Pearce needs to be gotten rid of. If the BBC took controversially sexist steps to remove that female commentator from 'Match of the day' last season then Pearce,the self-styled rhyming, punning, twat should be staring into a P45 by wednesday.
9.Birmingham City's promotion campaign is still going strong.
10.Dave Swannick scored two great goals for JD Lions, wish I'd put a tenner on that.

PHIL DAVIS ON: 'CHOOSING AN NHL TEAM'

Following discussions with various people about my interest in the NHL (national hockey league) I have been asked time and time again which team that I 'support' and have never had an answer. In all honesty I enjoy watching games and usually pick four teams once the playoffs start, based on what I have seen in the regular season and who their goalies are. I am more of a fan of goaltenders than actual teams which, I appreciate, is a little strange. However I feel that the time has come to nail my colours to the mast and must choose a team to follow.

I have spen the past weeks trawling NHL.com, NHL goalies archive and various other websites in search of pro's and con's to help me make a decision.

Detroit Redwings-too obvious;it's like South-Africans supporting Man Utd same as New Jersey Devils. Phoenix Coyotes; you can't have a hockey team in the desert, it's retarded. Dallas Stars, once again hot weather and ice-it makes no historical or cultural sense and hockey is built on history and culture. New York Islanders; well if you have to support a team from New York it has to be Buffalo Sabres or Rangers but I hate Sabres goalie Ryan Miller because he thinks he's Irish (even though his grandfather was born in America) and I know alot of Rangers fans so there is no point-I want some rivalry. Chicago Blackhawks were my first ever team that I followed because I loved Ed Belfour, but they are hardly ever on TV so I cannot watch them.

Basically teams from the west are a no-go because the scheduling of games for TV dictates that I would have to stay up alot later than I already have to, to watch games, plus channel five seems to just show eastern conference teams. Colorado Avalanche, I used to have an Av's jersey because I liked Patrick Roy but for some reason I hate them now. San Jose Sharks, LA Kings, Florida Panthers, Tampa Bay Lightning-again hot towns should not have hockey teams. I like Minnesota Wild but they are Atlanta Thrashers, Carolina Hurricains, Columbus Blue Jackets, Nashville Predators and Anaheim Ducks all business money-making creations in towns with no hockey history. Washington Capitals-gun-crime and they are rubbish.

I do like the Edmonton Oilers for their old-skool history and approach to hockey and Calgary Flames because of Miika Kiprussof, Boston Bruins I very much like but hate their players and Ottowa Senators I used to like when they had Hasek but now Ray Emery pisses me off, I hate him and enjoyed very much watching him mentally crumble against the Ducks in the Stanley Cup finals. Montreal Canadiens are the Newcastle United of the NHL steeped in history and Canadiens have actually won stuff unlike Newcastle but they are french so I can't support them. Vancouver Cannucks are good and I love Luongo and Kirk McLean was an amazing 'stand-up' goalie but they are difficult to watch being a western conference team. St Louis Blues I just don't know anything about them and that is fine, boring. Philadelphia Flyers are entertaining to watch and their seventies Broad Street Bullies are YouTube heaven to watch and I love Ron Hextall-we need someone like him back in hockey but I just can't bring myself to support them. I love Pittsburgh Penguins and last season broke my heart when Fleury and Crosby were denied a Stanley Cup, but since they traded my hero Ty Conklin I can't forgive them.

Based on several factors I have decided that the Toronto Maple Leafs are my team; the factor's were: the history of the team and success, I like Vesa Toskala and they have brought back Curtis Joseph at 41 years old to hopefully win a Stanley Cup. Mats Sundin is awesome to watch and Kaberle is a genius. I love the jersey, that seems shallow but some of the teams that I like is because the uniforms are great, the big blue leaf on a white jersey is ace. They used to have Felix Potvin who is another of my early memory heroes of hockey. The Stadium is amazing and the atmosphere always seems incredible, they are a hungry team and each season I think that they may do well and because they have not done anything for a while-maybe it is their time. I have always harboured dreams of visiting Toronto and hope to go to watch a game there one day and visit the Hockey Museum.

WRONG-GLOVE

Nasty mitten

FILTHY BERLIN PUPPET

This puppet was purchased for me by my good friend and legal attorney; Mark Parfitt, while we were on holiday in Berlin, we met the maker of this puppet at the Berlin sunday-market and she was a lovely old woman who just so happend to have a penchant for creating bizarre and freakish puppets with cocks. Look closely and it will be seen that this creation has a pink, flacid penis poking through its zip. Ace.

FURIOUS-EATING

Rare rump steak with fried red onion, mushrooms and garlic, served with butter-grilled asparagus, creamy mashed potato and peppercorn sauce-garnished with thyme.

JD-LIONS 1-3 SPORTING RANDOM

Division 2
Real JD 3-2 Winalot Penguins
at the university of birmingham stadion

Real JD's promotion hopes were given a huge boost on sunday night as they overcame the odds to win a thrilling game in injury time thanks to a winning goal from top-scorer Alex Dandy. Third placed Winalot Penguins had only lost once going into the contest so it was a surprise when Real JD took th lead from Richie Summerfield's long thrown-in which found Dave Sorensen who beat Pedro at his near post to put the underdogs one-nil up. The Penguins gradually crept into the game and moved the ball well, Mark Hughes was running things for Penguins and he showed his skills when unleashed a fierce 18 yarder which flew past Davis and in off the angle of post and bar. One-one. Just before the break and up popped Dave Sorensen again to take his tally for the season to eight goals when he converted a penalty, Pedro was the culprit again with his poor decision making. Two-one at halftime.

Real JD held on for long periods of the second half and had Steve Harris and Summerfield to thank for some important interceptions and strong tackling which looked like handing JD the win, until, with just two minutes remaining Harris was penalised on the edge of the box and Hughes again converted. It was looking like de-ja-vous for JD who threw away a 2-1 victory last week with a carbon-copy goal to miss out on the win. Davis was called into action with his only real save of the match in the last minute as he tipped Hughes 'would-be-hat-trick' goal away to safety, from the resulting corner Steve Harris played a measured throughball to 'super-sub' Alex Dandy who ran half of the length of the pitch and beat Pedro with the last kick of the game to win it 3-2 for Real JD. The win pushes JD up to third in the league and promotion is a real possibility if they continue to play in this spirit.


1.Davis 2.Summerfield(sub:24.Slater) 4.Walker 23.Harris 17.Carlos(sub:10.Dandy) 6.Sorensen

Division 4
JD Lions 1-3 Sporting Random
Lions find themselves fourth from bottom following a dismal display against third-placed Sporting Random. Alex Dandy put the Lions infront with a fantastic, 15 yard strike early on only for it to be cancelled out on the stroke of halftime by Matt Kinsella.

Things went from bad to worse in the second half for Lions who looked disorganised and following a great block from Davis, the rebound was slid in, 2-1. Moments later and Steve Harris was unfortunate as he intercepted what would have been a certain goal, only for Kinsella to latch onto it an beat a beleaguered Davis to complete his hat-trick. Lions never recovered and are slipping closer into the danger zone.

Dawn and Columbo

Dawn+an+columbo

CITY OF NEWMAN STADIUM NEWS

Premiership
RED STAR WELL-PLAYED 1
KILLER ANTS 5
at The City Of Newman Stadium
It was too little, too late for the Killer Ants who thrashed Red Star Well-played on tuesday night, My Garden Shed FC have sewn up the premiership title. The scoreline did not really reflect the story, Red Star were worth more than a four-goal drubbing. At halftime Walker and Summerfield had limited Killer Ants chances and anything that did get through was stopped by Davis, who did produce a wonder double-save to keep Red Star in touching distance just before the break while they were 0-1 down. After halftime and Killer Ants scored three goals in three minutes as Robbie Fowler struck twice while the Red Star defence were napping before Stuart Ripley curled a 20 yard strike into the top corner to make it four-nil. Red Star had imploded.
James Walker reduced the arrears with a great solo strike but in the final minute, Davis was beaten at his near post again. 5-1.

Division One
COFTON CELTIC 4
LA GALAXY CARAMEL 0
at The 'New-Camp' Stadium
Cofton Celtic's hopes of an unlikely division one championship title are still alive having beaten La Galay Caramel by four goals at the New Camp on tuesday. However they will need to overturn a four-goal difference in beating East Compton Eagles and hope that Kalamazoo do them a favour and beat KFC. Cofton were fortunate in a game that LA Galaxy Caramel dominated for large spells without creating much infront of goal, LA had more posessiona nd were enraged by referee Uriah Pennie's decision to play-on when James Walker was tripped on the cusp of the penalty area. Walker was surely about to score his first goal for the club when he was brought down, but the controversial official waved away appeals and Cofton Celtic counter-attacked and with Galaxy at 6's and 7's, Cofton scored their second goal to effectively end the contest. Following that strike heads went down and Cofton added two more. It changes nothing for the complexion of the table as far as Galaxy are concerned as they can only end in mid-table.

PIGEON-FEED

The furious-pigeon answers your questions.

Dear furious pigeon, Who do you think would win an every-man-for-himself-fight between Kim Jong-Il, Saddam Hussain, Adolf Hitler and Idi Amin? Mark Parfitt, Liverpool

Well, I'm going on these people's reputations at the height of their infamy and the important initail factor is height, Adolf Hitler stood at 5'9'' and had a badly damaged shoulder. Kim Jong-Il is only 5'3'', Saddam Hussain was a burly six-footer and Idi Amin was a very well-built chap standing at 6'4''. North Korea's Kim Jong-Il would fall by the wayside early having been the victim of ganging-up by the other three, whilst Hitler was distracted Amin and Saddam (being like-minded thinking, dictator, muslim leaders) would two's up and leather Hitler but not kill him, as Amin was well-known for his bizarre affection or the german Nazi leader. This would insense Saddam and the two would scrap out a bloody and dirty street-fight culminating in Idi Amin beating the Iraqi despot to death (making sure with some bare-handed strangulation) Idi Amin, the winner.

Dear Furious Pigeon, Who would win between the 1986 world cup Brazil team and the 1974 world cup Holland team, with today's rules in a FIFA knockout match ie; world cup quarter, semi or final and who from football history would you like to referee it? Bernie Davis, Birmingham

Piere Luigi Collina would have to ref the game which would surely be a classic, the dutch would go behind early to a Careca goal, set up by Josimar and would hold on until half-time. In the second half Cruyff would turn the screw and carve out a chance for Neeskens to equalise. Both teams would hit the post and bar and the game drifts to extra-time. With the two powerhouse's of their time inseparable the game must be decided by penalty kicks. Brail win 5-3 having seen Neeskens and Rensenbrink miss their spotkicks.

Who win in a fist-fight between John McLane and Joe Hallenback (The Last Boy Scout)? Steve McLaren, Middlesboro

Following an intense puch out, interspersed with back-and-forth, quip-tastic dialogue, the two would wear eachother out and ultimately sit side by side. After a moment they would shake hands and nod a gentlemans agreement through mutual respect. McLane would reveal the squashed foil-pack Marlboro's and they light up and spontaneous begin laughing as they smoke away, contemplating how funny that they should become friends through beating eachother up.

Dear Furious Pigeon, what did you want to be when you grew up? Liam Watkins, Sunderland

I wanted to be Optomus Prime. But it's who you know, not what you know.

Dear Furious Pigeon, who would win between a black rhino and a hippopotomus? Brad Van-Der-Schmidt, Johannasberg

Hippo's are pretty mean and violent, but black rhino's have the horn that could be the decider, possibly a massive puncture to the hippo's fat neck and he'd just bleed to death. I would imagine that both beasts would eventually die as a result of this fight but the actual winner (the one to die last) would the black rhino. And rightly so, hippo's are fat idiots.

Dear Furious Pigeon, what is your greatest achievement? Ed Bootle, Bootle

There was a cat that was after my family, he came up to the nest one day giving it the big 'un so we had a scrap and I threw him off the roof and into the next-door neighbour back-garden-their pet american pit-bull ripped it's fucking head off but I'm sure he was already dead.

Eleven tabs, part two

I really Needed a fag

Eleven tabs, part one

Smoke

WEOLY WANDERERS 8-2 JD-LIONS

DIVISION TWO

Grovesy's Giants FC 2-2 Real-JD

Swannick fed a measured throughball to Alex Dandy who made no mistake as he beat Giants 'keeper Gary Walsh with a vicious drive to put the Lions 1-0 up. It was Dandy's sixth goal of the season so far.
Just before halftime Giants found an equaliser as slack defending allowed Mark Robbins a yard of space which was all that he needed to get past Summerfield and beat Phil Davis at his near-post, 1-1.

With ten minutes remaining Richie Summerfield played an incisive throughball to Carlos who shook off the attention of Shaun Teale and stabbed the ball into the back of the Giants net to restore the Lions lead.
At 2-1 up, the result would have been good enough to put Real JD up to joint second in the league, however it was not to be and with just thirty seconds left on the clock Paul Warhurst drilled in a twelve-yard free-kick past Davis who didn't even move. 2-2 the final score, Grovesy's Giants stay second and JD remain fifth in division two.

DIVISION FOUR
Weoly Wanderers 8(EIGHT)-2 JD Lions
Table toppers Weoly Wanderers absolutely demolished JD Lions in an eight-goal demolition that has worsend the clubs chances of surviving relegation. Inside four minutes Weoly Wanderers, incredibly, were three-nil infront, Davis got his hand to all three but Gareth Barry and Steve Lomas had their shooting boots on. A defensive mix-up along Lomas in to drill home his second past a beleaguered Davis, whose good recent form deserted him and his stunned team-mates around him could only look on in horror.
Carlos popped up to reduce the arrears when he flicked the ball beyond the on-rushing Hans Segers, it was Carlos' third goal of the season. Moments later and Barry had scored his hat-trick as he whipped the ball into the bottom right-hand corner. Halftime Weoly Wanderers had, an unasailable, 5-1 lead.

It did not get much better in the second-half as Barry added to his tally with another quickly taken free-kick and his fifth goal was sensational as he turned inside Slater and pushed the ball past Steve Harris and excecuted the finish past Davis with superb accuracy to make it 7-1. Davis' poor distribution led to the eighth and final goal for rampant Wanderers, following a clearance that was intercepted by the irresistable Barry and his shot was saved by the hapless 'keeper only for the rebound to stabbed in by Craig Hignett. 8-1.
Paul Slater scored a terrific goal from a Dave Swannick corner in the final minute for the Lions, but it would sarcastic to it a 'consolation'. Weoly Wanderers remain unbeaten at the top of the league following this performance which leaves JD Lions precariously placed; fifth from bottom.

PHIL DAVIS ON: 'NEW GLOVES'

Until my birthday which is only a month away I've had to compromise on the Nike total ninety confidence gloves and settle for the Nike Classic ninety gloves, I do like these though. Despite giving the appearance of a rapist, they fit well and are a decent cut. In referance to my previous glove-blog-post where I slandered the sweatshop massive, I retract. This pair of gloves were clearly made by a highly motivated six year old and were well worth the £12.49 that I paid for them or the 0.23yen that the worker recieved that week. Thanks Nike, keep that horse-whip cracking-it's the only language that they understand, apart from chinese.

PIGEON-FEED

Furious Pigeon; now Big in Japan.
Dear Furious Pigeon, what is the 'relationship' between you and Phil Davis? You mention him more than anyone else in your match reports as if he's special to you. Barney Timmins, Ipswich
What kind of name is 'Barney'? Being from Suffolk I am imagine that you have a special 'relationship' with your sister that the authorities don't know about; so don't try to make out that I'm a gay. Go and plough a field, you farmyard-fuck. Phil Davis is a writer for the furious-pigeon blog, he reports on himself because he's an arrogant and conceited, little, twat, like you.

Dear Furious Pigeon, You seem like you've been around the block a few times, I've got a kilo of bolivian cocaine. How do I cut it? Darren Williams, Highbury
I've forwarded your e-mail address onto the police, Darren, you tit. Don't do drugs, kids.


Dear Furious Pigeon, me and my uni friends have a debate and decided that only you cn be the decider because you're a legend. Who would win out of a fight between a silverback gorilla and a black bear? Brett Roberts, Barnsley
Finally an interesting question. Well, both are fully in charge of their terrortory so it would depend who was at 'home' but on neutral ground I think the black bear with his superior reach, including vicious claws, and awesome strength would kill a silverback outright. I don't mean to 'diss' the silverback but respect the bear.


Dear Pigeon, how do you mate? Is it doggy-style or what? Kelly Willis, Shrewsbury
No, watch the discovery channel, Kelly. It's hard to explain. I have been on the 'recieving-end' of doggy-style but not through choice, can't say that I enjoyed it. I prefer blowjobs or tit-wanks. Thanks for bringing back painful memories, Kelly.

Dear Furious Pigeon, I'm having the girl of my dreams over for dinner in two weeks, what do I cook? What wine do I buy? Mike Smith,
Pinot grigot is a nice white wine. If she prefers red wine, get Fitou chateau de la grange 2004 (don't be put off by the name; it's only £4.95 per bottle so get two. If I want to spoil my wife I cook grilled asparagus (put a bit of butter on it while it grills), a 10oz fillet steak (do it justice and cook it rare or blue though, mate, that's what steak is for), creamy mashed potato (made with butter) with peppercorn sauce. Seriously, she won't leave your cock alone after that.

LA GALAXY CARAMEL NEWS

KFC 2-0 LA Galaxy Caramel

KFC have almost certainly sewn up the division one title and promotion following their two-nil victory over LA Galaxy Caramel last night in awful conditions.
Heavy rain didn't dampen the champions-elect spirit however and they burst out of the traps determined to gain both points. Abdul (pictured) was the key-man as he tore the Caramel defence apart time and time again, it was only thanks to veteran 'keeper, player/manager, physio, club secretary, treasurer and media-spokesman Phil Davis that the half ended 0-0. The little, brummie stopper made some excellent saves (even if he doesn't mind saying so himself) to frustrate the turkish looking side.

Davis was busy 'between-the-sticks' but his biggest headache of the night was selection, as he had a squad of eleven and only allowed to use three subs in addition to the starting six, team-captain Summerfield had to help out with the difficult decision of omitting Bhavesh Patel and Simon Hartland from the squad. Patel sensationally stormed off (walked away) having reputidly been fuming with the decision (it was raining so he went home) having verbally abused his manager: "He just said he couldn't be bothered hanging around, there's no hard-feeling-it was awful weather and he went."

At nil-nil LA Galaxy Caramel were hanging on until just after the break when they were able to staedy the ship, made a couple of substitutions and knocked the ball around nicely and kept posession well, Dave Sorensen almost gave the caramel an unlikely lead when he found himself in one-on-one with Rustu but the 'keeper blocked the effort. From the following corner Nihat almost put through his own goal but the ball came, agonisingly, back off the crossbar.

That seemed to be the turning point for KFC who counter-attacked and should have scored when Abdul stretched to a low cross-shot which cannoned off Davis' right-hand post and out to Hakan who swept the ball into the far corner. One-nil. A couple of minutes later and it was all over when Shotton's risky ball on the edge of the 'D' was miscontrolled by Dave Connor and Abdul, finally, got the goal he'd been working for as he sidestepped the wrong-footed Connor and dummied Davis and flicked the ball into the empty net. Two-nil, game over.

1.Davis 2.Summerfield(sub:4.Walker) 3.Shotton(sub:22.Bishop) 6.Connor 13.Dandy(sub:14.Slater) 17.Sorensen

Phil Davis, not just a tough-guy

PIGEON-FEED

Welcome to a new and regular feature of the blog; 'PIGEON-FEED'. Where our editor-in-chief responds to emails from you, the public.

Dear Furious-Pigeon, are you religious? If you are what religion do you follow?
Rabbi Cohen, Colwyn Bay
I'm afraid that I am not religious at all, my only forray into the world of religion was in 1997 when Pope John Paul II (now saint paul) declined an interview with me.(pictured right)

Dear Pigeon, I'm am a aspiring journalist, what advice would you give me to help me fullfill my dream?
Callum Smith, Reading
Give it up, fella. You're spelling and grammar are like Peter Beardsley's face; ugly and good for fuck all!

Dear Furious Pigeon, why do you shit on someone's car as soon as they've finished washing it?
Marie Taylor, Stoke-On-Trent
Because it's fucking funny.

Dear Furious Pigeon, Why do you never see baby pigeons?
Carl Wallace, Edinburgh
I do see baby pigeons, fella. I don't know why people are so interested, though. Baby people are like full grown people; they are just a smaller version but not as interesting.

Dear Mr Pigeon (or can I call you furious?) You're website is very football orientated. Do you or have you ever played football, if so in what capacity?
Gary McDonald, Manchester
Never played football, Gary, I'm a fucking pigeon, are you retarded?

Dear Furious Pigeon, who killed JFK?
Stephanie Dixon, Bambridge
Lee Harvey Oswald.

Dear Furious Pigeon, how do you feel about CCTV camera's and the 1984-isation of modern-day Britain?
Gavin Simmonds, Bristol
CCTV camera's. I like them, until they move and point at scumbags which means that I have to hover up and find another perch. As for the '1984-isation of Britain'- just get over it, fella, if you're not breaking the law don't fear the camera's. There is no conspiracy.

Vasily Dasayev, Farewell

JD-LONS 5-0 INTERNATIONAL ALLSTARS

FRIENDLY
Real JD 2-2 FC Rico
Thoroughly entertaining friendly match, which was played in a gentlemanly fashion, the yellow and black (adidas) vs red spain tops (adidas) an end-to-end warm-up. Iwan Roberts opened the scoring with a long-range drive that beat Davis all-ends-up however Carlos netted his first goal of the season when he finished off some lovely approach play by Summerfield and Walker with a toe-poke past Steve Ogrizovic. Dave Sorensen scored the second goal against FC Rico to put Real 2-1 infront, however a defensive mix-up lead to the equaliser with five minutes left.
1.Davis 2.Summerfield 13.Swannick 4.Walker 12.Sorensen(sub:9.Dandy)17.Carlos(sub:24.Harris)
FRIENDLY
Real JD 5-0 International Allstars
This was a hotly contested affair which referee Uriah Pennie was in danger of abandoning when both sets of players and one of the International Allstars players' girlfriends clashed late on! There really was nothing friendly about this encounter, the result was academic after eight minutes;by which point JD Lions were two goals up James Walkers twenty-yard drive beat Nigel Spink who was to have a torrid evening.

Dave Sorensen scored and then Alex Dandy added to his tally for the season, then Sorensen scored a penalty to make it four-nil. The Allstars lost their discipline and the usually placid Dave Swannick, who'd played very well, lost his cool with Steve Morrow and the two squared up, both sets of players (barr the 'keepers) clashed and when Pennie managed to restore order Dandy had asked for the match to be abandoned, Dave Sorensen was arguably the only man on the pitch who was glad it continued as he completed his hat-trick with a near-post tap-in to make it 5-0, Lions best result of the season.
1.Davis 2.Summerfield 13.Swannick 4.Walker(sub:24.Harris) 9.Dandy(sub:17.Carlos) 12.Sorensen

LEAGUE-NEWS
Due to no oppostion (again) JD Lions and Real JD were awarded 5-0 victories. The results leave JD Lions in eighth place in division four and Real JD in fifth place in division two.

PHIL DAVIS ON:Nike total90 confidence gloves

The concept of this glove gives me a stiffy.

Possibly the most sensational goalkeeper product ever, I used to bad-mouth Nike because the cheaper products fall apart when used on astro-turf, those sweatshop kids are shit, sack them all!

But the Nike total ninety confidence has a three-way adjustable strap, one on the wrist as normal and a thinner one at the base of the hand and then the clever bit-the yellow strip enables you to pull the glove down onto your hand snuggly and velcro's at the base of the hand so that you can completely customise the fit. The yellow strip also acts as a 'punch-platform' when the 'keeper makes a fist. The latex palm extends all the way down the wrist strap and is padded, there are grooves in the palm where natural creases in your joints are to get a better grip and feel. The palm also features air-vent holes which allows cool air into the glove and the backhand holes allows heat to escape giving the 'keeper a consistantly comfortable temperature of the hands. Whoever concieved this idea should be given the rest of the year off. My apologies to Puma but I am getting a pair of these gloves as soon as I get paid.

Volkan Demirel wore these in euro 2008 and I like him, anyone who has the balls to knock-out a 6'5'' czech skin-head gets full respect (even though he wasn't wearing these when he did it)