PIGEON-FEED

The furious-pigeon answers your questions.

Dear furious pigeon, Who do you think would win an every-man-for-himself-fight between Kim Jong-Il, Saddam Hussain, Adolf Hitler and Idi Amin? Mark Parfitt, Liverpool

Well, I'm going on these people's reputations at the height of their infamy and the important initail factor is height, Adolf Hitler stood at 5'9'' and had a badly damaged shoulder. Kim Jong-Il is only 5'3'', Saddam Hussain was a burly six-footer and Idi Amin was a very well-built chap standing at 6'4''. North Korea's Kim Jong-Il would fall by the wayside early having been the victim of ganging-up by the other three, whilst Hitler was distracted Amin and Saddam (being like-minded thinking, dictator, muslim leaders) would two's up and leather Hitler but not kill him, as Amin was well-known for his bizarre affection or the german Nazi leader. This would insense Saddam and the two would scrap out a bloody and dirty street-fight culminating in Idi Amin beating the Iraqi despot to death (making sure with some bare-handed strangulation) Idi Amin, the winner.

Dear Furious Pigeon, Who would win between the 1986 world cup Brazil team and the 1974 world cup Holland team, with today's rules in a FIFA knockout match ie; world cup quarter, semi or final and who from football history would you like to referee it? Bernie Davis, Birmingham

Piere Luigi Collina would have to ref the game which would surely be a classic, the dutch would go behind early to a Careca goal, set up by Josimar and would hold on until half-time. In the second half Cruyff would turn the screw and carve out a chance for Neeskens to equalise. Both teams would hit the post and bar and the game drifts to extra-time. With the two powerhouse's of their time inseparable the game must be decided by penalty kicks. Brail win 5-3 having seen Neeskens and Rensenbrink miss their spotkicks.

Who win in a fist-fight between John McLane and Joe Hallenback (The Last Boy Scout)? Steve McLaren, Middlesboro

Following an intense puch out, interspersed with back-and-forth, quip-tastic dialogue, the two would wear eachother out and ultimately sit side by side. After a moment they would shake hands and nod a gentlemans agreement through mutual respect. McLane would reveal the squashed foil-pack Marlboro's and they light up and spontaneous begin laughing as they smoke away, contemplating how funny that they should become friends through beating eachother up.

Dear Furious Pigeon, what did you want to be when you grew up? Liam Watkins, Sunderland

I wanted to be Optomus Prime. But it's who you know, not what you know.

Dear Furious Pigeon, who would win between a black rhino and a hippopotomus? Brad Van-Der-Schmidt, Johannasberg

Hippo's are pretty mean and violent, but black rhino's have the horn that could be the decider, possibly a massive puncture to the hippo's fat neck and he'd just bleed to death. I would imagine that both beasts would eventually die as a result of this fight but the actual winner (the one to die last) would the black rhino. And rightly so, hippo's are fat idiots.

Dear Furious Pigeon, what is your greatest achievement? Ed Bootle, Bootle

There was a cat that was after my family, he came up to the nest one day giving it the big 'un so we had a scrap and I threw him off the roof and into the next-door neighbour back-garden-their pet american pit-bull ripped it's fucking head off but I'm sure he was already dead.