PAUL: THE OTHER ONE

Furious Pigeon's latest target is the defender that they call 'El Loco'-the crazy one...it's Paul Slater.

NAME:Paul Gengazedi Slater

DOB:23-04-1984

POB:Yaounde, Cameroon

POSITION:Defender

This season has seen the JD Lions pin-up boy rise to prominence, solid at the back and very sharp (just like his hair) and is a firm favourite with the female fans.

"Yes, I tend to get alot of stick from the lads for being the 'pretty-boy' of the bunch and they're all jealous because I get to do all of the hair product adverts." Slater or 'Slate' certainly is 'worth it' as he has stopped goals aswel as scored them this season; he is the highest scoring defender in the team with five goals:

"I like to get forward from time to time, it's just a football ethos that was instilled into me growing up as a Newcstle United fan...and being a David Beckham fan, he was my idol. The way 'becks' performed and carried his team like a soldier was inspiring to me and his hair is absolutely fabulous...he's the complete package."

Slater has been part of the Bryan Munich and Back-Inter-Bryan franchise that saw a positive shift in loyalties, just like his defensive partner Richie Summefield, he switched to rivals JD Lions to pursue his ambitions: "I wanted to win things and that meant a fresh start because it had gone kind of stale at Bryan after we'd got promotion to division four and I moved, you know I had moved into an apartment with my girlfriend Becky." much to the dismay of women and gays everywhere (a samaritans helpline phone number was launched to deal with traumatised teenage girls and gays.)

Following his four years with the 'Bryan franchise' Slater is now a committed and mature squad member for JD although his boss James Walker tends to disagree: "I love Slate to bits, I really do but he has his crazy moments, but all is forgiven...it's his hair, it's incredible." The JD manager is referring to Slater's disciplinary record; sent off twice so far this season already but Slater (as is his nature defends this): "Yes, yes, I suppose that I do have a few moments where the red mist descends but its only because I'm such a passionate and sexual being and my frustrations are vented as 'performance art' or just chopping people down from behind."

Having spent the entire day interviewing Paul Slater, the furious pigeon can confirm that he is a charming man with a magic hairdo; but will it be a case of 'hair-today; gone tommorow' or will he continue on with JD in the promotion race? And could he be the missing part of the jigsaw puzzle?

Paul Slater's book: 'In my defence...' is out now, priced £14.95 published by Gash-Pages.

JD-LIONS 4-2 MAYPOLE HEROES

DIVISION THREE
LOKOMOTIV SELLY OAK 0-1 BALSALL HEATHENS FC (ht:0-0)
at The People's Republic of Selly Oakgrad Stadion.

Second placed Balsall Heathens promotion campaign is still going thanks to a late winner over new-boys Lokomotiv Selly Oak on sunday night. Brett Ormorod scored the winner from a Jason Wilcox cross following a defensive mix-up between Shotton and Oldfield. Lokomotiv had set the early pace as they pushed the ball around comfortably and kept posession well and even had the first effort on goal when Dandy's low cross-shot found Oldfield who got caught in two minds and fired wide! Lokomotiv spurned another chance to take the lead when Owen Dimbylow put Dandy through on goal, unfortunately he was denied by the woodwork. Lokomotiv 'keeper Phil Davis had to sharp at the other end making a double-save from Andy Legg and Wilcox's rebound, the half ended goaless.

Shotton and Summerfield were keeping the backline solid for Lokomotiv who looked like going on to win the game if anything but with two minutes left on the clock player/manager Matt Shotton tried to offload the ball to Oldfield who was well out of position, Wilcox stole the ball and squared it hard and low and Ormerod's first time connection sent the ball past Davis at the far post and into the back of the net. Wilcox almost got on the scoresheet in injury time as he was put through by Julian Dicks but flicked the ball over the bar but Balsall Heathens had done enough.

Player/manager Mat Shotton remained upbeat despite defeat: "Hey let's get it straight, okay, two sets of players that I've brought together-they didn't know eachother as they've not even trained together and we've gone out there tonight and nearly won us match, so, you know, y' can't be too critical, 'appen we've run us socks off and I'm proud of 'em." Lokomotiv actually managed to move up one place thanks to next weeks opponents Standard Li-Angley's 0-5 defeat. It will be a real relegation battle next sunday: "Oh aye it's gunna be a battle, because they'll want to beat us real badly it literallly is a six-pointer even though it's two points for a win." Said the yorkshire gaffer.

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 3.Shotton(c) 4.Oldfield 5.Martyn(sub:9.Dandy) 6.Dimbylow

DIVISION TWO
REAL JD 7 (SEVEN)-0 PREVIOUSLY ON LOST (ht: 3-0)
at City of Selly Oak Stadium, Birmingham.

Real JD earned their first win in six attempts as they trounced 'Previously-On-Lost' by seven goals. Alex Dandy picked up the man-of-the-match award for his four-goal salvo and it was much deserved as he almost single-handedly tore Previouly apart time and time again to keep the new boys bottom of the table. It was Dandy who opened the scoring after Dave Sorensen had seen an earlier spot-kick saved by 'keeper Frode Grodas, however following Dandy's goal Carlos got in on the act as he nonchelantly flicked the ball into the top corner and then player/manager James Walker rifled in a fierce drive to make it three-nil at the break.

Alex Dandy didn't need any encouragement as he set off on a mazy run, beating Mark Draper for pace and finished with aplomb to make it four-nil. Moments later and Dandy had completed his hat-trick as he stumbled through one challenge and drilled the ball past Grodas to make it five-nil. Carlos scored his second of the game with a thumping drive but the final word went to Alex Dandy who grabbed his fourth and to complete the rout, seven-nil.

James Walker: "Absolutely brilliant, we didn't let up at halftime we wanted to go out and get as many as possible and we've got a clean-sheet, get the goal-difference up and try and get our promotion campaign back up and running, we've got a huge game against PL Quake next week and in this kind of form I think we can get the right result there, if we do and other results go our way, we could go fourth on sunday."

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 13.Swannick(sub:23.Slater) 4.Walker 12.Sorensen 9.Dandy(sub:17.Carlos)

FRIENDLY
JD-LIONS 4-2 MAYPOLE HEROES FC (ht:2-1)
at City of Birmingham Stadium, Birmingham.

JD Lions gained an invaluble couple of points from a five-nil forfeit victory due to no opposition which has meant them keeping pace in division four still in fifth place but with an enviable goal-difference of +16. Maypole Heroes were a decent test for Lions but they were well beaten as irresistable Alex Dandy scored a sensational hat-trick.

Maypole actually took the lead with a decent strike from Richard Sneekers who shook off the attention of Richie Summerfield for the only time in the game and beat Davis with a low drive. JD Lions were soon back in it with a Dandy goal which just squeezed beneath 'keeper Craig Forrest and into the back of (A very tatty, weather beaten net) moments later and Walker put Lions infront with a dipping long-range strike that caught Forrest unawares and it was 2-1 at halftime.

Lions 'keeper Phil Davis had one of his better evenings as he tipped a long-range effort from Andy Sinton onto the post and moments later frustrated Hagi as he finger-tipped a curling shot onto the opposite post. Dandy promptly took a beutifully weighted through-ball from Summerfield to beat Forrest at his near post to make it 4-1. Anthony Le-Tallec pulled one back for Maypole late on from a quickly taken free-kick by Georghe Hagi but JD Lions saw out time very comfortably with Dave Swannick, who got man-of-the-match, and Summefield dominating the backline as they had done all evening.

"Yeah it was good, Dave Swannick seems back to his best and Rich was as reliable as ever, Phil's made a couple of top class saves there, to be fair, aswel, so its an all-round good result with Dandy getting a hat-trick...no complaints really except now I have a selection head-ache between Swannick and Slater at the back who've both been superb the last few weeks but we need to just do what we've been doing tonight from now-until-the-end-of-the-season and we could sneak promotion, who knows?!" Said player/manager Walker.

1.Davis 2.Summefield 13.Swannick(sub:23.Slater) 4.Walker 12.Sorensen 17.Carlos(sub:9.Dandy)

SPITTING FEATHERS AND OPINIONS ALL OVER YOUR BITCH-ASS! -weekly football round-up from the pigeon

1. Johnstones Paint matches (or whatever they call the mickey-mouse challenge trophy these days) go straight to pens after 90 minutes drawn. Surely this common sense will spread to the FA, UEFA and FIFA?! Golden goal, silver-goal and next-goal-the-winner never worked effectively enough so why not get rid of extra-time? Referee's, fans, players and press don't want it because if you can't find a winner during an hour and a half...another half-hour when all the players are fucked is not going to help.

2. Maybe UEFA are getting round to dealing with the important decision about extra-time now that they've solved that UEFA cup headache. If you don't know what I'm on about then I shall tell you; the UEFA cup is now the 'EUROPA-LEAGUE' Brilliant name isn't it, there's a new logo and everything! And the format will be like the champions league except with 900 teams from obscure baltic states. As of next season these new 'measures' will be in place. Michel Platini described the Europa-league as "Very exciting indeed." It's given me a stiffy, what about you?

3. Whilst i'm on the subject of people wasting time and money through not actually doing their fucking job...let's turn attention to South Africa's world cup preparations: They have unveiled their World Cup 2010 mascot (which is vital, I'm sure you'll agree) Yes a leopard with an afro! They even have the costume made up and a man parading it on YouTube which is fascinating to watch...well done South Africa you've done the hard part, now just go and build some fucking stadiums, sort out your economy and crime epidemic.

4. It wouldn't be right not to mention Newcastle would it? They've had another cataclysmic week losing against the worst premiership team in the, funny shape, of Tottenham Hotspur and appointing relegation master Joe Kinnear as 'interim manager'. The last time that I heard someone describe as being 'interim' to take charge of somthing was the temporary president of Iraq and it all seems to be hunky dory over in Iraq, so the only way is up, Magpies, you fucking mess.

5. Well done to Hull for their latest away win at the London City of the United Arab Emirates Stadium against bad-losers Arsenal. What a goal by Geovani (I had to SKY+ it and have a wank)And shame on the cry-baby Gooners who'll probably be Chelski 'fans' by monday morning. Sulky twats, try supporting a real football club.

6. Spurs are gruesome to watch aren't they? They should get rid of Juande Ramos before they find themselves in the Fizzy-Pop divisions wondering what went wrong.

7. I was right about Christina Ronaldo, she gets free-kicks and penalties whenever she's tackled. That penalty against Bolton nearly made me vomit blood especially as Christina took the penalty herself, she should be ashamed of the reputation that she has given women. Please don't let football become netball, God, please...I'll go to church and everything.

8. Anybody got a clue what Andy Johnson is doing at Fulham? The only thing I saw him try to do against West Sham was get sent off and he managed it (at the third attempt) Put him out of misery and sign him someone, he's clearly not happy.

9. As a midlander it was nice to see Blues, Villa, Albion, Wolves and Walsall all win this weekend, lovely stuff. Fuck Coventry.

10. Has Joe Kinnear been out of the game for so long that he's forgotten not to swear live on Football Focus? It doesn't look good for Newcastle does it? "Fuck no." said Kinnear...maybe he's got tourettes!? Twatty-bollocks, fuck!

PHIL DAVIS ON: 'BETTER OLYMPIC GAMES'

The 2008 Beijing olympics were hailed as a success, but there is always room for improvement. By improvement I mean, of course, molesting somthing so that only a vague trace of it's original ideals remain. Read on.

Events in Swimming could be made more fun by using boiling water or sharks. For the butterfly, I ask 'why not put hurdles in each swimming lane?'
Synchronised swimming, lets be fair; its dancing at the swimming baths and the girls don't get naked so chuck a load of pyrana fish in there! That should jazz it up a bit.
In the marathon I propose that each runner should be armed with a handgun, that would be fantastic to watch...on television of course. In the cycling each rider must ingest a cocktail of vodka and cocaine...fuck it I'll put hurdles in the cycling aswel, like Steve Mcqueen but with vodka aswel. Table-Tennis is shit and south-east asians tend to dominate so how's about we level the playing field? New table-tennis regulation tables are to be 20ft X 40ft with a 12ft high net! Have that, china. Rowing is seen as 'traditional' but it seems a bit modern to me and without the necesary 'character' that seasfarer's of old had, so I think it needs a pirate makeover ie; cannons and swords for the rowers as they race to the finish line. Just imagine. Basketball found its way into the olympics and so did baseball, well done america...why hasn't cricket? Oh well fuck cricket lets just raise the basketball hoop to thirty feet above the court which will elongated to three-thousand metres in length! As for baseball, how about a grenade instead of a ball? Wrestling events will change; knives, broken bottles and CS spray should liven it up-like a friday night in London which is a coincidence because that's where the olympics will be in four years!

Archery and shooting is a bit tame given the fact that weapons are already included so why not force each 'shooter' and archer' to be injected with anaesthetic before each go? Wouldn't fancy being a spectator, though. 100 metres and all that bollocks should include athletes all taking whatever drugs they want to make it fair,not a fresh proposal I know but it may help to hammer that point home. Speaking of hammer's I believe that the event should have a claw-hammer instaed of the ball on a chain just to stop the false advertising. Karate, Judo, Tae-Kwondo etc is to be fought out by teams of fifty as opposed to individuals so its more like 'Kill Bill' and less like a waste of my precious time.

The javelin...again far too simple for an event with such potential, stay with me on this: we get convicted criminals from death-row prisons all over the world who are tied to stakes and, basically crucified, who are targets for 'javelinists'. Depending on placement of the convicts dictates the athletes score and the scewered, terminal, criminals are dealt with accordingly.

Hockey, football, handball, boxing and softball is the fine the way it is-you've got to keep some standards up.

An obvious one is fencing. What a load of nonsense; two people having a sword fight and the worst injury in the history of the sport is a sprained ankle, fuck off. No padding, no wires, no gay, bendy-foil...I want scimitars, samurai swords, axes and pikes with a winner on one side and a fucking mess on the other...in fact fuck it, add cuban knife-fight to the olympics.

Diving is fine, the jump, the turn, the symetry of a dive and technique is all fine...just don't let the diver know what he or she is diving into! Blindfolded, they jump off the diving board and: it could be water, could be cushions or bubble-wrap...although it could also be a million razor-blades! Who knows? Who even cares? They're only divers because they didn't get as far as learning to be a 'swimmer', lazy cunts!

Tennis...wel if I had my way tennis players would be forced to enter my new version of 'fencing' because tennis players deserved to get maimed.
Canoeing can only be staged if there are any pyrana fish left-over from the synchronised swimming event.

Finally I have employed a back-to-basics approach to equestrian. If you want to beat someone, whilst upon a horse, then you joust! Like a knight with a jousting pole. I hope you had as much fun reading this as did writing it, feel free to 'improve' sports yourself with time-wasting and meaningless blog articles.

KEEPING THE FAITH

He turned twenty eight years old less than a fortnight ago but he is still as agile as an obese teenager, Phil Davis talks to the pigeon about football, MILF's and God (which gets a bit tiring to be honest.)

Furious pigeon managed to catch up with JD
Lions goalkeeper Phil Davis on his local park bench, he is a courteous and unasuming young man: "Hi, how are you? I ain't a paedo, I'm not here for the kids, I'm just perving over the MILF's...have a look through this fisherprice telescope, it's shit but you can see through that chunky MILF's white shorts, (he says pointing)I fucking love this place."
FP:What drives you, Phil?
PD:Well, I've had incredible support from my girlfriend, my parents, my friends, my family because they've pushed me on and encouraged me for every moment of my life...but I'd like to thank God for everything, despite there being absolutely no evidence of his involvement whatsoever.
FP:So why thank him?
PD:Because I'm a good christian which makes me a good person.

Early days

FP:Phil Davis was born with the rare and severe condition of bi-lateral talipes (two clubbed feet) and doctor's weren't sure that you would ever be able to walk, it took two surgeon's Mr Paul Cotterill and Mr Paul Braddish twenty-four years and five seriously, gruelling, surgical procedures costing over £35,000 to rebuild your feet and ankles and here you are at the age of 28 playing regular, amateur football it really is remarkable.
PD:It certainly is remarkable, Mr Pigeon and without those two fantastic surgeon's and consultants (ranked 2nd and 3rd in the UK in their fields) I wouldn't be here today...well, I would be here but I'd probably be a wheelchair-bound, emotional mess, I praise God for healing me, Amen.

Phil played only twice for Meadows primary school as a defender making his debut on the school playing fields of Rubery juniors; "It was then that I decided that I wanted to be a 'keeper, I couldn't stand being outfield." he was ten years old but it wasn't until he was fourteen when he began playing for, Methodist Church funded, AFC Longbridge that his real playing days started. In 1995 AFC Longbridge won the Inter-Birmingham 5-a-side cup at Aston Villa leisure centre with Davis playing in all five games. Davis and AFC Longbridge had to wait four years for their next trophy but it was worth it: "The leisure-leagues premiership trophy at Birmingham university, it was fantastic; we had a great bunch of lads and that season was the result of years of hard work and steroid/nandrolone abuse." Over the next few seasons we won it again twice then got relegated and then won division one to be promoted and won the premiership again in Fox Hollies in Solihul."

Moving to Manchester

Davis moved to the city of Manchester where teams like Manchester united and Manchester city play but he was to create his own team for the company where he worked, National Carparks: "We started out as Spartak Karpark..." he says with a smile on his face "...but we had to change it to get a shirt with the company logo as a sponsor, we became NCP Manchester. We had one season where we finished third in the Stockport leisure league premiership which we could've won but we failed to win our last two games."

Davis' record in his final three seasons was incredible; just 9 defeats in 62 games and conceded just 32 goals.(goalposts were narrower in stockport leisure-leagues) "We went to Amsterdam for a cancer charity tournament, the Willow Cup founded by Bob Wilson which was great and we also played in a five-a-side NCP national cup in Barnet, London but got knocked out in the 2nd round on penaties. I loved it because Manchester is a football town, it's all football and as we were a works team the pressure was on from all corners...the MD of the company wanted to know how we got on, employee's were giving you stick if we got beaten, it was in the monthly newsletter...it was great."

Coming home

One of the most anticipated transfers of the summer saw Davis lured back to the city of his birth by Richie Summerfield who had recomended him to JD Lions player/manager James Walker who did not hesitate to snap up the veteran 'keeper (despite having never seen him play) "I'd wanted to move back here, things had gone a little stale in Manchester and I needed a fresh challenge and I'd got an apartment here with my girlfriend so I jumped at the chance to sign for JD."

Phil Davis's rubbish book; 'Jesus Saves and so do I, occasionally, Amen!' published by Ladybird books is out now (we're confident that you won't have to reserve a copy) price: £4.65 (inc VAT)

WERE DE BEERMEN 0-6 JD-LIONS

DIVISION TWO
REAL JD 2-4 THAT TEAM FC (ht 2-3 )
at the Astro-Arena, Birmingham

Real JD's poor form continued as they suffered their fourth defeat in a row against 'That Team' at the Astro-Arena last night. It could and should have been so different as Real JD took the lead through Carlos when he was put through by Sorensen and 'the big man' smashed the ball past Bryan Gunn at his nearpost after just three minutes. Craig Hignett evened things up when he was allowed too much time and space to ghost through the JD backline and chipped Davis, 1-1. JD were playing good football again and their interlink passing which has been much maligned couldn't be questioned as they held posession and took the lead for a second time when Alex Dandy skipped past Paul Bodin and beat Gunn with a calm-as-you-like finish, 2-1.

All of a sudden 'That Team' woke up and got a foothold in the game Anders limpar and Rod Wallace began to dictate the midfield and it was Wallace who supplied Jan Agge Fjortoft who escaped the attention of Slater and he slid the ball past Davis into the back of the JD net to even the scores again and moments later, on the stroke of halftime, That Team took the lead for the first time in the game as Limpar sent Fjortoft out wide for a ball, he cut-in past Walker and curled a low shot that beat Davis to make it 3-2. Halftime.

Within a minute of the restart and the game was ended as a contest when That Team increased their lead by two goals thanks to a well excecuted drive from Mixu Paatalainen that beat Davis all ends up, 4-2. Davis had to be sharp off his line to deny Ruel Fox, who was (literally) a pain in the arse for Davis throughout the game as the veteran 'keeper made four saves with his backside. Davis pulled off a double save that prevented Fjortoft from claiming his hat-trick aswel and near the end Paul Slater, tired and frustrated saw the red mist descend as he clattered Lipar from behind on the cusp of the area and was sent off for the second time this season. Controversy followed as the quickly taken free-kick was put into the back of the net by Fjortoft but then ordered to be re-taken and Davis saved it, ha ha! 4-2 it finished, Real JD yet again remain seventh in the table and That Team's sixth game unbeaten means that they are still second in the league.

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 4.Walker 13.Swannick(sub:23.Harris)(sub:24.Slater(SENT OFF) 12.Sorensen 17.Carlos(sub:9.Dandy)

DIVISION FOUR

WERE DE BEERMEN 0-6 JD LIONS (ht 0-3 )

City of Selly-Oak Stadium, Birmingham

JD Lions unbeaten run now stretches to four games as they thrashed Were de Beermen last night, Lions are up to fifth place in the table on goal difference. Carlos opened the soring with his tenth goal of the season thanks to a lovely one-two with Sorensen and Carlos drove the ball past a Fraser Digby in the Beermen net. Paul Slater was on target with a neat prod home from a Dave Sorensen set piece and James Walker made it three-nil just before halftime when his long-range effort squeezed inside Digby's post. It could have been four before halftime when Lions were awarded a dubious penalty however when reluctant taker Richie Summerfield blazed over the bar, missing out on his first goal of the season. In the second half that feat was repeated by Steve Harris who also took a penalty, earned by the hard-working Sorensen and that effort was also fired over Digby's crossbar.

Alex Dandy used Sorensen to open up space and beat Digby to make it four-nil when he toe-poked the ball home just before Paul Slater grabbed his second of the game with a fierce effort past the, by now hopelessly exposed Fraser Digby, five-nil. Near the end with Were de Beermen tired and hapless Steve Harris did get his goal with his left-foot to make it six-nil which is the best result so far this season.

Player/Manager James Walker explained why he was so delightd with the result: "We've been waiting to do that to a team for weeks and tonight we've showed our potential, first clean sheet and we've never looked in any doubt because we've controlled the game from start to finish, proud of the lads, sure, because their hard work and professionalism has paid off tonight."

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 23.Slater(sub:13.Swannick) 12.Sorensen(sub:24.Harris) 4.Walker 9.Dandy(sub:17.Carlos)

The pigeon's weekly opinion's on the world of football, you could say it's 'A BIRD'S EYE VIEW'...but that would mean that you're a cunt, so don't.

1.Well done to unknown and unfancied Romanian side CFR-Cluj for beating Roma at the city of Rome stadium in Rome in champions league group stage.

2.Performance of the week was Walsall winning at Brighton with nine men for most of the game.

3.Robbie Keane can't score for toffee so the pigeon suggests that he goes to play for Everton.

4.Fair play to Paul Robinson who seems back to his best form, fatboy slimfast helped Blackburn to beat Fulham.

5.Match of the Day's 'Lawro' could be asked to explain what his 'jesse' jibe was all about, how can he have a go at the gays anyway? He's as camp as christmas!

6.Why did West Sham United display a christmas card bearing the players squad number on their guts against Newcastle U-Shited? It looks terrible, I know they're gutted about XL going bust but just leave your shirt blank like West Brom.

7.Everton watered their UEFA cup oppononents Standard Liege's half of the pitch at halftime the other night, is that allowed or fair? Answers on a postcard please...

8.Is 'Christina' Ronaldo so scared off playing with 'the older boys' that she demands that any real man tackling her should be booked or red carded? Tackles aren't done to hurt players so 'Christina' should get over herself but I expect next week that she'll ask the referee to tell Jaaskalainen to stop saving her shots otherwise she'll go home and she'll take her ball with her! I wonder what 'Lawro' would call Ronaldo? Probably a greasy faggot, Lawro you silly homophobic-racist.

9.Well done to Arsenal. They look good again and they entertain me, doesn't man that I have to like them though.

10.The pigeon has been waiting to say this for weeks and I think that it is fair and time to say that Spurs are wank and it cost them £60m, to be wank.

IT'S "SUMMER" TIME

JD LIONS' DEFENDER RICHARD SUMMERFIELD INTERVIEW
The furious-pigeon chats to 'Mr. Reliable' about previous clubs, bizarre own goals and stealing Neil Ruddock's cat!
We meet up with Richard Summerfield at the Gunbarrells public house which lies in the shadow of the Astro-Arena where JD Lions play their home games and from the 'off'' we find him an affable, young, footballer; courteous and housing a brooding intensity uncommon amongst many of his peers. Because Summerfield is not like many footballers, you may or may not know that he has a degree in history and politics from the university of Leicester and intends to complete his masters next year, he is a 'thinking mans footballer'. Born and raised in the second city Summerfield is a proud bluenose, following Birmingham whenever he can, club commitments permitting, obviously.
"Following the blues is important to me, sure, its just a bit frustrating really-it's similar to JD Lions, but hopefully blues will get promoted back up to the prem(iership) this season and I can help JD to get promoted aswel...that's the plan."

Since his controversial switch from Back Inter Bryan FC to rivals JD Lions back in 2007, following his sucessfull promotion from division two, Summerfield has made the left-back position his own and never let boss James Walker down, Summerfield has not missed a game over the past two season's. The man who lured him to the club, player/manager James Walker speaks very highly of him: "He's one of the most dependable lads we've got at the club, never late, never injured, never suspended, always consistant, he's a managers player."

Summerfield was lambasted by his former employers for making the short move and a hate campaign was launched against him by his former team-mates who considererd the transfer a Celtic-to-Rangers style betrayal: "When I was playing for 'Bryan' (Bryan-Munich/Inter-Bryan/Back-Inter-Bryan) I was enjoying my football alot as I always have but it seemed like I needed a new challenge as I'd been there for seven season's (scoring ten goals in the process) and when James Walker came in for me with a decent team I couldn't turn it down. The chance to play with the likes of Alex Dandy and Dave Sorensen was an opportunity to be grabbed and I've no regrets."

YOUR QUESTIONS

Who was your favourite player growing up? Jason, Portishead
RS: I'd have to say David Beckham, with his work-rate, ability, what he did (does?) for England, he's a great player and an example to kids playing the game everywhere.

Would you send me the underpants that you wore in the game against that polish team, please, please, please? Malcolm, Highbury
RS: Absoloutely not, no.

Are you going to grow your famous long hair back or are you keeping it short? I preferred it when it was long. Jenny, Tamworth
RS: Probably going to keep it short...are there any football questions because these are a bit gay...

Would you send me a cup of your blood and a lock of your hair? Malcolm, Highbury
RS: Fuck this.

Richard Summerfield's book 'Left-back and beyond' by Furious-Publisher's is now available at all good stockists priced £7.95

MAN ON THE MOON 3-3 JD-LIONS

Division Four
MAN ON THE MOON 3-3 JD LIONS

Man on the moon pub remain fourth in the table following their three-all draw against seventh placed JD Lions. Man on the moon went ahead on four minutes with their first attack of the game when Gary Ablett fed Mark Robbins the ball, he turned Steve Harris and his curled effort found the back of the net. JD Lions responded quickly as Carlos beat Clayton Blackmore and teed up Dave Sorensen who smashed the ball beyond Tony Coton to make it one-a-piece.

Within a minute of the restart Man on the moon were back infront, however, JD went to sleep and went two-one down as Robbins' flick was met with a half-volley by Blisset as he proded the ball past Davis. Parity was rstored just before the break as player/manager James Walker set himself up and curled an unstoppable drive into the top right hand corner that gave Coton no chance. Two-two at the break.

Man on the moon were conceding posession and several corners as JD Lions took the game to them, Coton made a decent stop from substitute Alex Dandy who came on in place of a lacklustre Carlos, Dandy did get another chance though and he took it with aplomb as he played some neat, intricate passing with Sorensen and toepoked the ball past Coton to put JD Lions three-two infront.

JD Lions just can't seem to buy a win at the moment and it came as no surprise when Phil Stamp played in Mark Robbins to claim his second goal of the night and, arguably, the best as his long-range curler flew into the bottom left hand corner of Davis' net. The game ended in a draw which was not much help to either side who remain in the same place as they did before kick off.

"Well, they're not a bad team, you know they're unbeaten in six games now and they're always a threat; mainly because they've got Mark Robbins up front who made the difference today, to be fair, Phil Davis is a bit disappointed because he's only had four shots to save and three have gone in but that's the way it goes somtimes, he'll be better next week, we all will." said a slightly deflated player/manager James Walker.

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 24.Harris(sub:13.Swannick) 4.Walker(sub:24.Slater) 12.Sorensen 17.Carlos(sub:9.Dandy)


Division Two
SEXY DOUGHNUTS 4-2 REAL JD

Sexy Doughnuts' vice-like grip on top-spot in division two showed no signs of loosening as they hammered Real JD last night with a first-half blitz, scoring four times.

John Sheridan opened the scoring as early as the third minute when he struck from distance and saw the ball squirm threw Davis' hands and into the back of the net, it was a soft goal and following that opener the 'Doughnuts' could smell blood; Carl Shutt was next on the scoresheet as he used his pace which took him beyond Walker and Summerfield and dinked the ball over the advancing Davis to make it two-nil after just five minutes. Real JD hadn't really got hold of the ball by the time that Shutt had scored his second with a carbon-copy of his first goal, three-nil and the contest was effectively over. Real JD did stage a mini comeback though and Dave Sorensen battled for posession on the edge of the box and drilled in a shot which beat Les Sealey at his near post. It was merely a stay of excecution for Real however as Nigel Gleghorn burst threw the defence and smashed the ball into the back of the net to make it four-one at halftime, Real JD had no answer to the 'Doughnuts' qucik counter-attack.

The second half saw fewer chances than the first as Real had more posession as Sexy Doughnuts eased off and with time running out Alex Dandy was able to score a consolation goal against Sealey after another neat move between himself and Sorensen, four-two it finished but Real JD are still seventh in the league and badly need points if their promtion dreams are going to be realised, just two wins out of their last six matches.

"Sexy Doughnuts have only lost one game all season (eleven games) so it was always going to be tough, obviously...last time we played them they put eight past us so I suppose we're improving. They're a top class team, they're going to win this league I've no doubt about that so it was damage limitation stuff for us and we've played some decent football and scored a pair of top quality goals so I will take some positives out of it tonight despite the result." Said player/manager James Walker.

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 23.Harris 4.Walker(sub:24.Slater) 12.Sorensen 17.Carlos(sub:9.Dandy)

FURIOUS PIGEONS TEN-POINT OBSERVATIONALISATIONISM OF THE WEEKEND'S FOOTBALL EVENTS

1.England are ace again, apparently-Trio Walcot is the darling of the press...how long until they find some dirt on him, date-rape allegation or homosexual allegation!? The cheeky bonus in the win over Croatia was Joe Cole getting his head split open; doctors said that, following a scan, results proved that he didn't have any sense knocked into him.

2.Keegan quits again! Shambolic events at Newcastle as they lost at home to average rugby team Hull, shandy-swigging, cockney-mafia are on their way out which is a shame because Newcastle provide the comedy-element on Match of the Day. Guthrie is a dirty twat aswel.

3.Titus Bramble...what the fuck is going on there? Another own goal for the scrapbook, you tit.

4.Gianfranco Zola is the new West Sham United boss, is he mad, a genius or both like Hannibal Lecter or Arsene Wenger?

5.Manchestarab City lose at the Middle-Eastlands stadium; shame but more fun there with Man City fans dressing like Sheikhs, I wonder whether or not the new owners have a good sense of humour? They're going to need it.

6.Linesmen are rubbish. What a weekend for the 'grasses with flags' they were shit and following from the pigeons observation from last week-people have started mentioning 'video-replays' again! Thankyou Big-Sam Allerdyce.

7.Rory Delap's uber-long-throw is going to give Tim Howard nightmares for weeks, Stoke are the new Bolton Wanderers with their fantastic 'Basketball' tactics.

8.Van-Der-Sar needs his P45, I'm sorry Edwin, the pigeon loves you but you're playing like an AIDS victim-don't go down the same route David 'Oooh my back!' Seaman went.

9.West Brom got their first win against 'sponsor-less', manager-less and clueless West Sham which was nice.

10.John Terry is the best rugby player in the premiership and the way he behaved to the ref following his red card would get him a ban from rugby.

Vintage Gloves

VINTAGE

Got these on ebay for £8 and £3 postage and packaging, which is another bargain because these obscure gloves, presumably from abroad, are awesome. Flat-cut palm, 3mm or 4mm thick with stretchy gussets made from fleece material for warmth and features a robust plastic back-hand. The gloves 'piece-de-resistance' though is the fingerspines fed into the double-latex-layered backhand to prevent injury. The gold and black scorpion design is quite sexy aswel so I shall look like a 'classy-rapist'.

Vintage Gloves

Another view of the Vintage gloves

Sondico SAS Gloves

Sondico SAS

To be honest I have had these gloves before twice, given to me by Stephen Bywater, they are simple and effective, very old school. Flat-cut palm, long-wrap wrist enclosure with lots of cushioning. Got them for £3 in Sports-World in the Bullring, absolute bargain.

JD-LIONS 4-2 STEPHEN HAWKINGx6

DIVISION 2
Stockpot Seaoners 4-2 Real JD

Stockpot Seasoners easily rolled over Real JD on sunday night with goals from Tim Sherwood, Chris Kiwomya and Robert Rosario to put the latest dent in (under-pressure) player/manager James Walker's promotion hopes.

Sherwood opened the scoring inside six minutes as he linked up with Rosario and sidestepped Slater to sweep the ball into the back of the net to put the Seasoners a goal up. Moments later and Stockpot doubled their advantage as Real JD were left horribly exposed at the back as Kiwomya fed Sherwood who squared it to Rosario who stabbed the ball beyond a beleaguered Phil Davis. At halftime Walker tried to change things as he brought on Swannick and Dandy but it was to avail, the Seasoners went three-nil up within minutes of the restart to effectively end the contest when Sherwood slid the ball under Davis from a Kiomya throughball. Carlos pulled one goal back for Real JD following a nice move with Dave Sorensen but within a minute Kiwomya restored the three goal advantage when he thumped a shot into the top-right hand corner to make it 4-1. With the last kick of the game Alex Dandy added to his impressive goals tally (ten in all competitions) when he pulled a goal back but 4-2 it finished.

Stockpot remain eighth despite the win and Real JD have dropped to seventh and Walker was unable to contain his dissappointment: "I like to think I'm generally upbeat and I'm a happy-go-lucky boss but that, out there (pointing at astro-turf) tonight was fucking wank...passing was awful, heads went down after each goal and we didn't apply ourselves, oh my God it was truly, truly awful...I was unlucky though."

On sunday, though, Real JD have the ideal opportunity to get right back into the thick of promotion as they take on league-leaders Sexy Doughnuts who only drew last week. "Yeah, to bounce back with a win there would be ideal because they are top and it would cut their lead to three points and push us up to fourth." Said Walker.

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 23.Slater(sub:13.Swannick) 4.Walker 12.Sorensen 9.Dandy(sub:17.Carlos)

FRIENDLY

JD-Lions 4-2 Stephen Hawking X6

JD Lions were awarded another 5-0 forfeit victory in division four to ease relegation worries and played a friendly instead, which they won 4-2. Carlos opened the scoring after eight minutes with a well taken goal, having already hot the post with a shot from the halfway line at kick-off! Player/Manager James Walker got on the score sheet aswel as Alex Dandy, who scored twice, in a game that was never really in doubt for the Lions.

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 23.Slater(sub:13.Swannick) 4.Walker 12.Sorensen 17.Carlos(sub:9.Dandy)

FRIENDLY

Red Star Well-played 1-5 Manchestarab City

Due to a fixture clash Red Star Well-played had to draft in a last minute goalkeeper to replace player/manager Phil Davis, Ronnie Random went 'in-nets' thanks to stand-in manager Matt Shotton who organized proceedings and even claimed his second goal for the club: "Well, y'knorr I lark to gor up frunt sumtymes and 'av a gorr at shooootin' an' iz paid off cuz 'appen' I goda gorrl." Said the big, Yorkshire Gaffer. However Red Star went on to lose the mis-matched friendly by 1-5 which is respectable as they faced premiership opposition.

13.Random 3.Shotton 5.Patel 6.Connor 25.Dempsey 26.Youseff

FURIOUS PIGEONS RESPONSE TO THE WEEK OF FOOTBALL

1.Mike 'I'm just a regular fan' Ashley at Newcastle, apart from flying from his mansion to St James' Park via helicopter to eat prawn sandwhiches before kick off! You twat! You are not an ordinary fan. The only thing you have in common with real Newcastle fans is that you are fat, ugly and think that Newcastle are a top-four club.

2.Manchestarab City Football Club are on the way to the big time with new owners from Abu Dhabi, good luck to them aswel. It will make football even more inteeresting and crazy than usual.

3.Andorra 0-2 England; so England won but are called 'boring'...at least they won, lets just admit it, England are shit and the players don't give a shit. They can't do right for doing wrong anymore. England fans won't be happy unless we win the world cup, even then The Sun will probably label them 'boring' for running the ball into the corner flag for the last 30 seconds of injury time.

4.Scotland are still shit.

5.Fair play to pretencious bald frog, Fabien Barthez for the creation of his goalkeeper academy that doubles up as a posh scholl in the french alps. Albert Camus life-style theories behind the whole affair.

6.On a personal note the pigeon wishes to express his sadness for the liquidation of NCP Manchester, the works-team that Phil Davis created and masterminded to tournaments in London, Stockport and Amsterdam.

7.I heard that Man City signed Robinho as a result of a typographical error. Apparently administrative staff at the city of manchester city stadium in the city of manchester city centre were left red-faced when finalising a drinks manufacturer sponsorship deal with Ribena: "Oh for fuck's sake, I've told those dyslexic twats a million times...." lamented a 'furious' Mark Hughes.

8.France are shit.

9.Romania are shit so fuck off Muutu, you mole-faced, coke-head, twat.

10.Is James Walker feeling the pressure at JDFC franchise?

PHIL DAVIS ON: 'WEDDINGS AND THE INEVITABLE FALLOUT'

WEDDING
Having a white wedding? Want a lovely church as a backdrop? But your not religious? That doesn't matter, lying through your teeth to a God that you don't believe in is fine these days, apparently. As you are getting married and it's the happiest day of your life, celebrating your incredibly unique love for an individual don't forget that also you need a brand new Zanussi washing machine, whilst sending out your wedding invitations (which list your demands like some kind of middle-class suburban terrorist) you must stipulate that all gifts bought by your hostages (but maybe you should refer to them as 'guests') should be purchased from John Lewis' don't let them get away with buying anything from a shop or ebay!
I'm getting ahead of myself, the stag-do. How could I forget the stag and hen-do's. Well it used to be trip to your local then to a lap-dancers then to a club and then have a curry and then go home...not anymore; nowadays you must emotionally blackmail a two-dozen strong entourage to accompany you to a european city (less eyewitnesses to grass you up to your fiance) for a yeast-infected fortnight. I know what your thinking. My fiance won't let me go to Tallin, Amsterdam or Prague...well she's going to Falaraki, Ibiza or Kos (you see, both of you are doing the same thing so it doesn't matter) Now that is true love!

Well, the stag and hen-do shoul've taken it out of you and what with being spoilt rotten, you'll need a holiday! All those tight-fisted people that didn't give in to your demands must pay! Remember when I discussed 'emotional blackmail'? Time to employ that tactic again, mainly on bride and grooms parents...they can all chip in for your two week break on a caribean island and by the time you get home John Lewis will have delivered all of the over-priced mod-cons that you don't deserve!

CHILDREN
Okay, if you haven't already got the ankle-biters, now's the time because you are married. So to the blushing bride; you have had two weeks off to have sex with foriegners on your holiday(badly disguised as a hen-do) and a week off for your wedding (even though it lasted a day) but if you have children you can get even more time off. Read on.
So you are having children, okay? Now having a child means that you get to do the whole 'listing your demands' bit again. Yes that's right, a buggy, a pram, nappies, a push-chair, a cot are all expensive but when you get to emotionally blackmail your 'friends' it is all free!
Oh having a baby has it's drawbacks but you can get months off work because of somthing invented by american women in 1987 called 'maternity leave'.
Can you believe it? Your boss can do nothing to stop you, you've already taken the piss but now you get longer tim off and if you suffer from 'post-natal-depression' which you will! (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) you can get even longer off. Your life is basically a holiday that everyone else is paying for!
Repeat this every twelve months until your divorce. Very important to give it three months of going back to work after your brat is spawned to make it appear that you do want to work even though you obviously don't!

DIVORCE
Added bonus, because you don't believe in God won't go to hell when you get divorced...infact you'll get two months compassionate leave from the grim, little office where you pretend to work. Divorce can be very stressful, after all you need to fight for the things that are most important to you-the beutiful, awe-inspiring, joy-bringing, rays-of-sunshine: the John Lewis gifts from your wedding day and of course, your children.
While going through a bitter custordy battle and divorce you will need...yes, you guessed it, time off and not only will you get it, you'll also recieve sympathy and your parents will probably offer to look after the kids while you relax! More compassionate time off work, by now your boss will be in an iron-lung with stress, you'd better book a day off work to go and visit him in hospital to thank him for all the time off that h'es been legally obliged to give you, afterall you don't want to appear ungrateful, do you?

DEATH
Don't worry about your death, like your life; someone else will have to pay for it. Funeral expenses etc...nothing you can do to be honest and what do you care? Your dead! Leave the poor people behind to celebrate that you lived far too long.

Brummie spag-bol

An onion, red peppers, wild mushrooms, garlic, mince and tagliatelli topped with mature english cheddar with cracked black pepper. It's a piece of piss and tastes better than piss.

JD-LIONS 1-2 AVFG

Division 2
REAL JD 0-1 MVP (ht 0-0) at the Selly-Oak-Bowl, Birmingham

Real JD's title campaign suffered a dent last night as they were beaten by a hard-working MVP side who took both points to join the promotion race. MVP had goalkeeper Max Stoppingdistance to thank for the win as he saved everything that Real JD threw at him, he twice denied Carlos and Dave Sorensen almost certain goals and Walker had no joy either as the brummie 'keeper miraculously kept a clean-sheet.
It was not long after the restart when Real JD went behind, from a quickly taken corner Robert Roberts turned as he fell back he managed to get a scuffed shot away which beat Davis at his near post to put MVP infront. Both 'keepers made sure that no further scoring took place as they stood up well.

Player/Manager James Walker (never a slave to footballing cliche's) had this to say: "Well, to be fair, at the end of the day, it was a funny-old-game of two-halves where either team could've won it and on the day the better team did, but we'll bounce back because we're taking each game as it comes and we're not under-estimating anybody!"

The result leaves Real JD in fourth spot, five points adrift of leaders Sexy Doughnuts and tied on eleven points with four other clubs as we reach the halfway stage.

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 23.Slater(sub:13:Swannick) 4.Walker 17.Carlos(sub:9.Dandy) 12.Sorensen



Friendly Match
JD LIONS 1-2 AVFG (ht 0-1) at Bournbrook Park

A lacklustre display from the Lions, albeit a friendly match, Richie Summerfield was solid at the back as he was able to consistantly cut off the AVFG supply line, however just before half-time and Ron Radford struck a wonder-goal from a quickly taken free-kick.

Three minutes into the second half and the Lions were level through player/manager James Walker who turned his man and curled a beutiful right-foot shot beyond Flowers for the equalizer.

Once again, Lions defended so high up the park that Davis and Summerfield were left exposed which led to Radford sliding his second goal of the game beyond Davis to give AVFG an, arguably, deserved win.

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 23.Slater(sub:13:Swannick) 4.Walker 17.Carlos(sub:9.Dandy) 12.Sorensen



Divsion 1
DISTURBED 6-1 LA GALAXY CARAMEL (ht 2-0) at the Astro-Arena, Birmingham

Disturbed FC held onto second place with a comprehensive win over bottom club LA Galaxy Caramel who were, yet again tired from playing two games prior to kick-off due to Patel, Bishop, Hartland and Connor being unavailable for selection.

Davis had been busy early on having to dart off his line to thwart attacks, several one-on-one's arose due to his own team's tiredness and the pace of Disturbed front pair of Stuart Ripley and Chris Sutton. Shotton was able to frustrate Ripley early on but the tireless forward eventually forced the opening goal as Dave Sorensen played a kamikaze back-pass beyond his own 'keeper from all of twenty yards. Davis was possibly at fault for that one but he could do nothing as LA Galaxy stood still, not playing to the whistle when they felt that they should have had a free-kick, played went on and Ripley chipped the ball over the advancing Davis. two-nil.

Things went from bad to worse in the second half, Davis parried Ripley's effort but Sutton smashed in the rebound and then Shotton got himself badly caught out on the edge of his area and Sutton fired home his second. Walker managed to pop up and drive in a great shot which beat the 'keeper to reduce the defecit to 1-4, before Wallace and Simpson added a goal each to complete the rout.

1.Davis 2.Summerfiled 3.Shotton 4.Walker 7.Dandy 8.Sorensen

DID YOU KNOW...?

1. Brazil and AC Milan star Ronaldinho's teeth are so deformed that he can officially eat an apple through a letterbox! Dentist's across the world are bemused.

2.In their 146 year history Notts County have never won, lost or drawn with Israeli side Maccabi Tel Aviv as they have never met in any competition or friendly.

3.David Seamans moustache was rated as the third most inspiring image for catholic football fans in Italian newspaper Gazetta Dello Sport. Pope John Paul, now a Saint once said: "It's amazing, I've seen some shit in my time but Seamo's muzzie is somthing else."

4. Spurs' Croatian international Luka Modric's teeth are so deformed that he can actually eat a pineapple through a tennis racket. Dentist's across the world are amused!

5.Peter Schmeichel kept a lucky raw onion in his glove bag in the back of his his goal in 1994 until Steve Bruce threw it away, the Great Dane was subsequently sent off in the following home game against Charlton. The two haven't been civil to one another since.

6.Stephen Fry was offered a professional contract with Crewe Alexandra in 1979 but never signed due to a row over pay.

7.Peter Shilton was born with five kidneys.

8.Charlton Athletic's Marcus Bent once made a citizens arrest in a London park when he aprehended a man who had exposed himself to a thirteen year old girl. David Hannah, then a Charlton season ticket holder, was ordered to serve 100 hours community service.

9.In 1993 prior to England's failed world cup qualifying campaign, as-yet un-heard of ten year old Amy Winehouse voiced her sports opinion on newsround: "Graham Taylor's questionable selection and naiive tactics will not be a match for the more technically gifted Dutch and Norwegian's." She was right but it is alleged that Taylor retorted and said to, terminal arse-licker, Phil Neal: "She'll be on crack by next spring." Taylor did get somthing right as England manager afterall.

10.Les Ferdinand was born without a soul, but he borrowed Mark Bosnich's and never gave it back.

Furious-Pigeon's ten points about the weekends football

1.Fairplay to Dave Sorensen who soldiered on despite a triple-dislocation of the knee and played three matches.

2.Why does no-one mention 'video-replays' anymore? Last season it was the only thing pundits and managers were talking about!

3. Why is Michael Owen captain of Newcastle? I don't think he has the bollocks to shout at his wife and kids.

4.Well done to Portsmouth for having the most well-spoken team in the Premiership with David James, Peter Crouch, Jermain Defoe and Sol Campbell to name but a few, innit guv.

5. Can Kevin Keegan do maths? Wor-Kev hopes that the FA will give Joey 'anger-management' Barton a second chance...surley after you mess up your second chance for the third time, the FA say enough is enough, get your ass in jail!?

6. Middlesboro's Alves is awesome, what a free-kick against Stoke, even Tommy Sorensen applauded!

7. Is Arsene Wenger happier nowadays or is it just wind?

8. Is Paul Scholes retarded? Or does he just enjoy the 'make-up-sex' with Alex Ferguson? Getting double-yellows must be a hobby for ginger.

9. Autoglass have cancelled all employee's leave prior to today's transfer window deadline: "You never know, what might happen to this very important window you just never, ever know." Said Chris Further, CEO of Autoglass UK. It's a mad world.

10. How is Shawn Wright-Phillips only worth £8m? In today's transfer market where average players are bought and sold for silly prices, SWP is worth £20m.