JD-LIONS 7-1 KAY FC

DIVISION TWO
REAL-JD 1-1 MVP (ht:0-0)
at Astro-Arena, Birmingham

MVP had only lost one of their last four games so a score-draw was always going to be a decent result against one of the promotion pushing teams. The first half was a tempestous battle for psoession with little quality, Phil Davis had to stop two decent efforts; Bradley Wrigh-Phillips with a long-range strike and Duncan Ferguson with a well-struck shot that needed to be tipped away to safety. Halftime 0-0.

It did not take MVP long to re-organise and prove why they are promotion favourites and it was top-scorer Ferguson who caught Paul Slater napping and turned to fire in a lethal strike, Davis no chance. Davis had to be sharp to stop Ferguson again moments later and also had Summerfield to thank for a timely interception and one superb block. Real-JD had soaked up the pressure and retaliated with their equalising goal through super-sub Dave Swannick who scored his first goal for two months when he recieved a gift on the edge of the box and right-footed it past Carlos Roa to make it one-one. The result means that JD are still sixth in the table.

Man of the match: Richie Summerfield

1.Phil Davis (couple of decent saves) 2.Richie Summerfield (absolutely superb) 23.Steve Harris (quality) 24.Paul Slater (solid again) 13.Dave Swannick (scored his first goal for a long time) 4.James Walker (ran the midfield) 12.Dave Sorensen (worked hard) 9.Alex Dandy (caused problems for defence) 17.Carlos Mathews (ok)

DIVISION THREE
LOKOMOTIV SELLY OAK 2-0 MAYOR GOLDIE WILSON (ht:0-0)
at Tesco-Express Arena

Lokomotiv Selly Oak took a massive step towards division three safety as they beat fifth place Mayor Goldie Wilson last night. MGW now look as if promotion might have slipped away following goals from Dimbylow and frenchman Clement Vuarchy.

Despite a positive first half with plenty of action Lokomotiv went into the break settled with a stalemate, whatever Player/Manager Matt Shotton said to them at halftime did the trick as they burst out of the traps and grabbed both points to hand MGW only their second defet in eight games! Owen Dimbylow scored his fifth of the campaign in rather fortunate circumstances: "Yeah I saw the defender was going to play it across the box, bit dodgy, so I just thought I'd try and get a piece of that and lucky for us-it went in. Brilliant!" The ricochet from Pallister's ill-advised clearance cbounced in off Dimbylow to put Lokomotiv infront which gave them the breathing space that they needed. However Mark Oldfield was forced into a few good saves as stand-in 'keeper and made a fine block with his legs, not once but twice to deny Anthony Le-Tallec and Keith Gillespie, to keep Lokomotiv infront.

Charles Martyn claimed the man of the match award for yet another peice of fine play for Lokomotiv when he inexplicably turned Pallister inside-out with a sublime flick, however the play resulted in a goal kick.

Eventually Lokomotiv made it two-nil following more solid work from the irrepresible Charlie Martyn and Clement Vuarchy netted his first goal for the club as he dummied 'keeper Kevin Pilkington to send him the wrong way with a lovely finish.

Lokomotiv have won five out of their six games and are favourites to beat the drop: "I've been saying this all along, I can't see us going down, we've had us destiny in us own 'ands and we've been grinding out results and at times playing really well and looking comfortable and winning games, I still think that we will survive."

Man of the match: Charles Martyn

4.Mark Oldfield (brilliant double save) 3Matt Shotton (solid at the back) 5.Charles Martyn (excellent display of skill for 'the flick') 6.Mark Gustavson (solid) 10.Owen Dimbylow (another solid display and goal) 13.Clement Vuarchy (great goal great performance and a great name!)

DIVISION FOUR
JD-LIONS 7-1 KAY FC (ht:2-0)
at The City of Birmingham Arena, Birmingham

JD-Lions remain sixth in the table despite their seven goal mauling of Kay FC last night, 'King Carlos' Mathews scored a second half hat-trick along with three-goal hero Dave Sorensen who added to Paul Salter's opener. Player/Manager James Walker was delighted with his side's performance: "We can't get relegated or promoted so for the lads to generate that kind of performance fills me with confidence for next season."

Lions were ahead on six minutes when an Alex Dandy sweeping crossfield ball was met by Paul Slater, whose burst of pace saw him meet the ball to smash it beyond Ed De Goey at his near post. Dave Sorensen doubled Lions advantage when his trickling, daisy-cutter somehow squirmed between De Goey's grasp and into the back of the net.

Things got worse for Kay FC after the break as Dave Sorensen claimed his second of the night with a near-post drive after good approach play from Carlos Mathews, Carlos Mathews wasn't to be outdone and he scored his first of the night as he unleashed a fierce shot that fizzed past De Goey and into the back of the net, it really did fizz, you should have seen it fizzing...it was like a sainsbury's paracetamol in a glass of cresta lemonade.

Kay FC did pull a goal back through Luke Chadwick, whose long range drive pinged in off Davis' far-post to make it one-three.

Carlos Mathews added to his tally minutes later when Walker sent him clear and the second highest scorer buried the ball after he'd beaten a flat-footed defence. Sorensen completed his hat-trick moments later as Kay FC's rearguard fell to apart. Not to be outdone, Carlos Mathews completed the rout with an unstoppable drive past De Goey that zipped off the turf. Seven One the final score.

Man of the match: Dave Sorensen

1.Phil Davis (fine) 2.Richie Summerfield (useful distribution and looked comfortable) 23.Paul Slater (excellent opening goal and was busy) 24.Steve Harris (rock solid) 4.James Walker (once again lead by example, very confident solid display) 12.Dave Sorensen (hat-trick hero number one, superb) 13.Dave Swannick (very good) 17.Carlos Mathews (hat-trick hero number two, could have scored more) 9.Alex Dandy (quick and effective)

JD-LIONS 1-3 SPORTING RANDOM

DIVISION THREE
MAYPOLE HEROES 4-0 LOKOMOTIV SELLY OAK (ht:1-0)
at the Tesco Express Arena, Birmingham.


Matt Shotton's Lokomotiv side were without Dean Powell (metatarsil) and Martin Stewart as they lost four-nil to second-placed Maypole on sunday night, the result means that the Selly Oak outfit are still in the relegation mire with just four games remaining.

In a complicated twist, however, the FA of leisure-leagues have actually awarded a four-nil victory to Lokomotiv without an explanation. The league table has been altered to credit Lokomotiv with the win and Maypole with defeat however this will, surely, be amended when Maypole complain.

Matt Shotton had no comment to add other than: "That game has gone now, we're still in a relagation battle."

Man-of-the-match:Owen Dimbylow

1.Phil Davis (poor) 2.Richie Summerfield (bad error for third goal) 3.Matt Shotton(c) (couple of moments hesitation) 5.Charles Martyn (busy as usual) 4.Mark Oldfield (did well but attacks came to nothing)9.Alex Dandy (ran and chased hard) 10.Owen Dimbylow (up and down the pitch as usual) 14.Andreas Lewald (not quite 100% or convincing)
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DIVISION FOUR
JD-LIONS 1-3 SPORTING RANDOM (ht:0-1)
at 'The Lane'

James Walker has slammed referee Uzmat Singh following his shambolic performance which arguably cost JD-Lions promotion from division four: "He started badly and got worse, we've had him before and he wa ok, to be fair, you know, he's not a bad ref but that was awful. How he's made some of those decisions is beyond me, he couldn't even see the incident which they got the penalty for and he gave Richie Summefield nothing all game long. He even let us score a goal which I don't think should have stood. He gave us a throw-in whcih was wrong aswel."

The penalty drama came after just seven minutes when Paul Slater was pushed while a Random player went inside the area which is against the rules, and in the melee, Mr Singh somehow decided that it was a penalty. Gary Ablett's resulting spot-kick was nearly saved by an insensed Phil Davis but Lions were behind and never recovered.

Ablett doubled Sporting Random's advantage in the second half and at which point Lions defender Paul Slater's frustration boiled over and he upended Danny Mills and Lions were reduced to five men. Lions did come back though Alex Dandy but Danny Mills put the result beyond doubt when he capitalized on a wayward clearance by Davis and lashed to ball back in and the game ended three-one which means that Sporting Random are still in the priceless second-placed and are on for promotion. JD-Lions sit mid-table.

Man-of-the-match:Richie Summerfield
1.Phil Davis (threw game away with poor third goal) 2.Richie Summerfield (very strong but lacked adequate support) 23.Paul Slater (moment of madness didnt help team but 100% none-the-less) 4.James Walker(c) (tried to rally troops and worked hard 12.Dave Sorensen (very busy) 9.Alex Dandy (decent chances and worked hard) 17.Carlos Matthews (tough tackling but not much product)

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DIVISION TWO

REAL-JD 2-4 WINALOT PENGUINS (ht:1-2)
at Astro Arena, Birmingham.

One point is all that separates the top three teams in the intriguing division two table, Winalot Penguins are joint second following their enthralling win over Real-JD who are mathematically out of the promotion race with four games remaining.

JD were infront as early as the third minute when ? put his side ahead with a well taken stike, beating the 'keeper at his near post. Real-JD weathered the storm, Richie Summerfield was back to his old self and he and Walker were putting a block on any Penguin attack and if they did get through Phil Davis seemed to be solid. Winaolt are a team hell-bent on promotion and showed their class when on-loan signing Steve Stone smashed an equaliser into the top right-hand corner and then repeated the feat moments later to give the 'black and whites' the lead just before the break, Stone again with the lethal strike.

In the second half JD huffed and puffed without much end product and Penguins were strangling the JD midfield, Dave Sorensen worked hard but couldn't power a way through or find a way through and eventually JD cracked and allowed in Stone to strike but his shot was well saved by Davis whom tipped the ball onto the post only for it to cannon off him and into the net for his second own goal in three weeks. Davis vented his frustrations on the goal frame as he kicked the crossbar. JD took the initiative and pulled a, well-worked, goal back though Alex Dandy to make it three-two but as JD pushed up for the equaliser Penguins countered and eventually Fabrice Muamba slotted past Davis to end the game in favour of Penguins four-two.

"Bitterly dissapointed that we din't get anything from the game of course but they are quick on the break and they finish their chances off, thats how you win football matches, we've got to rebuild now because it's another season in this division because the chance of promotion has gone."

Man-of-the-match:Richie Summerfield

1.Phil Davis (not much chance with goals and one own goal) 2.Richie Summerfield (played well had to work hard ) 23.Paul Slater (forced to play out of position) 4.James Walker(c) (held up midfield well ) 12.Dave Sorensen (grafted well with no end product ) 17.Carlos Matthews (relatively redundant) 9.Alex Dandy (lack of service meant limited chances)

PIGEON-FEED

FURIOUS-PIGEON has been working on his tan in Brazil for three weeks but he is back to give you his reaction from your e-mails, regard.

Dear Furious-Pigeon, why is it that my wife and I, who cannot have children, must wait in excess of six years to be approved 'suitable for as adoption parents' yet I have dealt with many cases of single, heroin-addicts living in appauling conditions who are allowed to 'look after' their children? I am a policeman and my wife is a doctor. It just doesn't seem right somehow. Paul Wilkinson, Billericay
Welcome to the western world, Paul. It's disgusting really, I don't have a problem with vetting people who want to adopt but I think that two civil servants could decide over a fortnight review and save the six year and upwards waiting time. As for the 'people' who are allowed to have children (you've got me started now) victims of rape, drug-addicts, criminals etc it's just unbelievable. I have a question myself: why is it illegal to have underage sex but the female can keep the child? If I rob a bank, can I go to jail but keep the money?

Dear pigeon, what is the best weapon for surviving a 'zombie epidemic'? James Donaldson, Suffolk.
Do you know somthing that I don't, James? Well, for accuracy and severing the spinal column and/or destroying the brain I would recommend a silenced Heckler and Koch G36E assault rifle which features a fixed stock, 1.5 telescopic sight and 4 additional 30 round spare magazines can be attatched either side of the loaded magazine so as to 'speed-up' reloading, all five magazines boast a clear case so the operator can clearly see how many rounds remain. This weapon would smash the brains out of any undead, flesh-eating, fuck from distance (with the 1.5 telescopic sight)or at close quarters. Buy one of these, James and if the Z-apocolypse is nigh, you'll be fine. They are a bit tricky to get hold of, though, I'm afraid.
This weapon is used by police and special forces in over thirty different countries across the globe and the UN.

Dear Furious-Pigeon, I'm sexually attracted to my younger sister, am I wierd? Brian, Braintree
No, you're a fuck-up! Why do these people give their names!?

Dear Mr. Pigeon, I want to go travelling in Australia for a year but my girlfriend say's that she'll dump me if I go. I don't know what to do. Steve Forsythe, Windsor.
They do have women in Australia, you know. If you end up single I wouldn't worry. Why don't you ask your girlfriend to go with you?

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Shaving pubes will not work. Crabs lay their eggs in the folic acid around the hair to keep eggs warm. You need to go to the doctors, get the cream (which acts like napalm to pubic lice) and get on with it. Don't have sex with homeless people will prevent it from happening again.

Dear Furious Pigeon, do you think Russell Brand and Jonathon Ross were effectively punished for what they did to Andrew Sachs? David Miller, Tottemham.
What they did was stupid but it's an over-reaction on the media's behalf, I think. Slow news week. If september 11th had just happend we wouldn't give a shit, would we?! I like Russell Brand and Jonathon Ross but a charity donation, apology and one month off BBC would have been ample in my opinion.