JD-LIONS 7-1 KAY FC

DIVISION TWO
REAL-JD 1-1 MVP (ht:0-0)
at Astro-Arena, Birmingham

MVP had only lost one of their last four games so a score-draw was always going to be a decent result against one of the promotion pushing teams. The first half was a tempestous battle for psoession with little quality, Phil Davis had to stop two decent efforts; Bradley Wrigh-Phillips with a long-range strike and Duncan Ferguson with a well-struck shot that needed to be tipped away to safety. Halftime 0-0.

It did not take MVP long to re-organise and prove why they are promotion favourites and it was top-scorer Ferguson who caught Paul Slater napping and turned to fire in a lethal strike, Davis no chance. Davis had to be sharp to stop Ferguson again moments later and also had Summerfield to thank for a timely interception and one superb block. Real-JD had soaked up the pressure and retaliated with their equalising goal through super-sub Dave Swannick who scored his first goal for two months when he recieved a gift on the edge of the box and right-footed it past Carlos Roa to make it one-one. The result means that JD are still sixth in the table.

Man of the match: Richie Summerfield

1.Phil Davis (couple of decent saves) 2.Richie Summerfield (absolutely superb) 23.Steve Harris (quality) 24.Paul Slater (solid again) 13.Dave Swannick (scored his first goal for a long time) 4.James Walker (ran the midfield) 12.Dave Sorensen (worked hard) 9.Alex Dandy (caused problems for defence) 17.Carlos Mathews (ok)

DIVISION THREE
LOKOMOTIV SELLY OAK 2-0 MAYOR GOLDIE WILSON (ht:0-0)
at Tesco-Express Arena

Lokomotiv Selly Oak took a massive step towards division three safety as they beat fifth place Mayor Goldie Wilson last night. MGW now look as if promotion might have slipped away following goals from Dimbylow and frenchman Clement Vuarchy.

Despite a positive first half with plenty of action Lokomotiv went into the break settled with a stalemate, whatever Player/Manager Matt Shotton said to them at halftime did the trick as they burst out of the traps and grabbed both points to hand MGW only their second defet in eight games! Owen Dimbylow scored his fifth of the campaign in rather fortunate circumstances: "Yeah I saw the defender was going to play it across the box, bit dodgy, so I just thought I'd try and get a piece of that and lucky for us-it went in. Brilliant!" The ricochet from Pallister's ill-advised clearance cbounced in off Dimbylow to put Lokomotiv infront which gave them the breathing space that they needed. However Mark Oldfield was forced into a few good saves as stand-in 'keeper and made a fine block with his legs, not once but twice to deny Anthony Le-Tallec and Keith Gillespie, to keep Lokomotiv infront.

Charles Martyn claimed the man of the match award for yet another peice of fine play for Lokomotiv when he inexplicably turned Pallister inside-out with a sublime flick, however the play resulted in a goal kick.

Eventually Lokomotiv made it two-nil following more solid work from the irrepresible Charlie Martyn and Clement Vuarchy netted his first goal for the club as he dummied 'keeper Kevin Pilkington to send him the wrong way with a lovely finish.

Lokomotiv have won five out of their six games and are favourites to beat the drop: "I've been saying this all along, I can't see us going down, we've had us destiny in us own 'ands and we've been grinding out results and at times playing really well and looking comfortable and winning games, I still think that we will survive."

Man of the match: Charles Martyn

4.Mark Oldfield (brilliant double save) 3Matt Shotton (solid at the back) 5.Charles Martyn (excellent display of skill for 'the flick') 6.Mark Gustavson (solid) 10.Owen Dimbylow (another solid display and goal) 13.Clement Vuarchy (great goal great performance and a great name!)

DIVISION FOUR
JD-LIONS 7-1 KAY FC (ht:2-0)
at The City of Birmingham Arena, Birmingham

JD-Lions remain sixth in the table despite their seven goal mauling of Kay FC last night, 'King Carlos' Mathews scored a second half hat-trick along with three-goal hero Dave Sorensen who added to Paul Salter's opener. Player/Manager James Walker was delighted with his side's performance: "We can't get relegated or promoted so for the lads to generate that kind of performance fills me with confidence for next season."

Lions were ahead on six minutes when an Alex Dandy sweeping crossfield ball was met by Paul Slater, whose burst of pace saw him meet the ball to smash it beyond Ed De Goey at his near post. Dave Sorensen doubled Lions advantage when his trickling, daisy-cutter somehow squirmed between De Goey's grasp and into the back of the net.

Things got worse for Kay FC after the break as Dave Sorensen claimed his second of the night with a near-post drive after good approach play from Carlos Mathews, Carlos Mathews wasn't to be outdone and he scored his first of the night as he unleashed a fierce shot that fizzed past De Goey and into the back of the net, it really did fizz, you should have seen it fizzing...it was like a sainsbury's paracetamol in a glass of cresta lemonade.

Kay FC did pull a goal back through Luke Chadwick, whose long range drive pinged in off Davis' far-post to make it one-three.

Carlos Mathews added to his tally minutes later when Walker sent him clear and the second highest scorer buried the ball after he'd beaten a flat-footed defence. Sorensen completed his hat-trick moments later as Kay FC's rearguard fell to apart. Not to be outdone, Carlos Mathews completed the rout with an unstoppable drive past De Goey that zipped off the turf. Seven One the final score.

Man of the match: Dave Sorensen

1.Phil Davis (fine) 2.Richie Summerfield (useful distribution and looked comfortable) 23.Paul Slater (excellent opening goal and was busy) 24.Steve Harris (rock solid) 4.James Walker (once again lead by example, very confident solid display) 12.Dave Sorensen (hat-trick hero number one, superb) 13.Dave Swannick (very good) 17.Carlos Mathews (hat-trick hero number two, could have scored more) 9.Alex Dandy (quick and effective)

JD-LIONS 1-3 SPORTING RANDOM

DIVISION THREE
MAYPOLE HEROES 4-0 LOKOMOTIV SELLY OAK (ht:1-0)
at the Tesco Express Arena, Birmingham.


Matt Shotton's Lokomotiv side were without Dean Powell (metatarsil) and Martin Stewart as they lost four-nil to second-placed Maypole on sunday night, the result means that the Selly Oak outfit are still in the relegation mire with just four games remaining.

In a complicated twist, however, the FA of leisure-leagues have actually awarded a four-nil victory to Lokomotiv without an explanation. The league table has been altered to credit Lokomotiv with the win and Maypole with defeat however this will, surely, be amended when Maypole complain.

Matt Shotton had no comment to add other than: "That game has gone now, we're still in a relagation battle."

Man-of-the-match:Owen Dimbylow

1.Phil Davis (poor) 2.Richie Summerfield (bad error for third goal) 3.Matt Shotton(c) (couple of moments hesitation) 5.Charles Martyn (busy as usual) 4.Mark Oldfield (did well but attacks came to nothing)9.Alex Dandy (ran and chased hard) 10.Owen Dimbylow (up and down the pitch as usual) 14.Andreas Lewald (not quite 100% or convincing)
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DIVISION FOUR
JD-LIONS 1-3 SPORTING RANDOM (ht:0-1)
at 'The Lane'

James Walker has slammed referee Uzmat Singh following his shambolic performance which arguably cost JD-Lions promotion from division four: "He started badly and got worse, we've had him before and he wa ok, to be fair, you know, he's not a bad ref but that was awful. How he's made some of those decisions is beyond me, he couldn't even see the incident which they got the penalty for and he gave Richie Summefield nothing all game long. He even let us score a goal which I don't think should have stood. He gave us a throw-in whcih was wrong aswel."

The penalty drama came after just seven minutes when Paul Slater was pushed while a Random player went inside the area which is against the rules, and in the melee, Mr Singh somehow decided that it was a penalty. Gary Ablett's resulting spot-kick was nearly saved by an insensed Phil Davis but Lions were behind and never recovered.

Ablett doubled Sporting Random's advantage in the second half and at which point Lions defender Paul Slater's frustration boiled over and he upended Danny Mills and Lions were reduced to five men. Lions did come back though Alex Dandy but Danny Mills put the result beyond doubt when he capitalized on a wayward clearance by Davis and lashed to ball back in and the game ended three-one which means that Sporting Random are still in the priceless second-placed and are on for promotion. JD-Lions sit mid-table.

Man-of-the-match:Richie Summerfield
1.Phil Davis (threw game away with poor third goal) 2.Richie Summerfield (very strong but lacked adequate support) 23.Paul Slater (moment of madness didnt help team but 100% none-the-less) 4.James Walker(c) (tried to rally troops and worked hard 12.Dave Sorensen (very busy) 9.Alex Dandy (decent chances and worked hard) 17.Carlos Matthews (tough tackling but not much product)

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DIVISION TWO

REAL-JD 2-4 WINALOT PENGUINS (ht:1-2)
at Astro Arena, Birmingham.

One point is all that separates the top three teams in the intriguing division two table, Winalot Penguins are joint second following their enthralling win over Real-JD who are mathematically out of the promotion race with four games remaining.

JD were infront as early as the third minute when ? put his side ahead with a well taken stike, beating the 'keeper at his near post. Real-JD weathered the storm, Richie Summerfield was back to his old self and he and Walker were putting a block on any Penguin attack and if they did get through Phil Davis seemed to be solid. Winaolt are a team hell-bent on promotion and showed their class when on-loan signing Steve Stone smashed an equaliser into the top right-hand corner and then repeated the feat moments later to give the 'black and whites' the lead just before the break, Stone again with the lethal strike.

In the second half JD huffed and puffed without much end product and Penguins were strangling the JD midfield, Dave Sorensen worked hard but couldn't power a way through or find a way through and eventually JD cracked and allowed in Stone to strike but his shot was well saved by Davis whom tipped the ball onto the post only for it to cannon off him and into the net for his second own goal in three weeks. Davis vented his frustrations on the goal frame as he kicked the crossbar. JD took the initiative and pulled a, well-worked, goal back though Alex Dandy to make it three-two but as JD pushed up for the equaliser Penguins countered and eventually Fabrice Muamba slotted past Davis to end the game in favour of Penguins four-two.

"Bitterly dissapointed that we din't get anything from the game of course but they are quick on the break and they finish their chances off, thats how you win football matches, we've got to rebuild now because it's another season in this division because the chance of promotion has gone."

Man-of-the-match:Richie Summerfield

1.Phil Davis (not much chance with goals and one own goal) 2.Richie Summerfield (played well had to work hard ) 23.Paul Slater (forced to play out of position) 4.James Walker(c) (held up midfield well ) 12.Dave Sorensen (grafted well with no end product ) 17.Carlos Matthews (relatively redundant) 9.Alex Dandy (lack of service meant limited chances)

PIGEON-FEED

FURIOUS-PIGEON has been working on his tan in Brazil for three weeks but he is back to give you his reaction from your e-mails, regard.

Dear Furious-Pigeon, why is it that my wife and I, who cannot have children, must wait in excess of six years to be approved 'suitable for as adoption parents' yet I have dealt with many cases of single, heroin-addicts living in appauling conditions who are allowed to 'look after' their children? I am a policeman and my wife is a doctor. It just doesn't seem right somehow. Paul Wilkinson, Billericay
Welcome to the western world, Paul. It's disgusting really, I don't have a problem with vetting people who want to adopt but I think that two civil servants could decide over a fortnight review and save the six year and upwards waiting time. As for the 'people' who are allowed to have children (you've got me started now) victims of rape, drug-addicts, criminals etc it's just unbelievable. I have a question myself: why is it illegal to have underage sex but the female can keep the child? If I rob a bank, can I go to jail but keep the money?

Dear pigeon, what is the best weapon for surviving a 'zombie epidemic'? James Donaldson, Suffolk.
Do you know somthing that I don't, James? Well, for accuracy and severing the spinal column and/or destroying the brain I would recommend a silenced Heckler and Koch G36E assault rifle which features a fixed stock, 1.5 telescopic sight and 4 additional 30 round spare magazines can be attatched either side of the loaded magazine so as to 'speed-up' reloading, all five magazines boast a clear case so the operator can clearly see how many rounds remain. This weapon would smash the brains out of any undead, flesh-eating, fuck from distance (with the 1.5 telescopic sight)or at close quarters. Buy one of these, James and if the Z-apocolypse is nigh, you'll be fine. They are a bit tricky to get hold of, though, I'm afraid.
This weapon is used by police and special forces in over thirty different countries across the globe and the UN.

Dear Furious-Pigeon, I'm sexually attracted to my younger sister, am I wierd? Brian, Braintree
No, you're a fuck-up! Why do these people give their names!?

Dear Mr. Pigeon, I want to go travelling in Australia for a year but my girlfriend say's that she'll dump me if I go. I don't know what to do. Steve Forsythe, Windsor.
They do have women in Australia, you know. If you end up single I wouldn't worry. Why don't you ask your girlfriend to go with you?

Dear Furious Pigeon, I've got crabs. If I shave my pubes off will that solve the problem? Darren, Exeter.
Shaving pubes will not work. Crabs lay their eggs in the folic acid around the hair to keep eggs warm. You need to go to the doctors, get the cream (which acts like napalm to pubic lice) and get on with it. Don't have sex with homeless people will prevent it from happening again.

Dear Furious Pigeon, do you think Russell Brand and Jonathon Ross were effectively punished for what they did to Andrew Sachs? David Miller, Tottemham.
What they did was stupid but it's an over-reaction on the media's behalf, I think. Slow news week. If september 11th had just happend we wouldn't give a shit, would we?! I like Russell Brand and Jonathon Ross but a charity donation, apology and one month off BBC would have been ample in my opinion.

JD-LIONS 0-8 WEOLY WANDERERS

DIVISION TWO
REAL-JD 1-3 GROVESY'S GIANTS (ht: 1-1)
at the Astro-Arena, Birmingham

Real-JD's promotion hopes ly in tatters following a defeat at the hands of Grovesy's Giants who go above them and into fourth spot. "Being totally realistic, it will be a miracle if we get promoted now, it's a shame but results have gone against us tonight and we haven't helped ourselves at all, we gave this match to them and it was a game we badly need some points from."

Giants went infront with virtually their first attack of the game as John Harkes was sent clear of Slater by Gary Flitcroft and Shirtliff made no mistake as he tucked the ball under Davis to make it one-nil. Giants should have doubled their advantage when Alan Cork recieved a square pass from Flitcroft but he put the ball just wide with the goal at his mercy. It was a real let off for Real-JD who would go on to capitalise just before the break. It was a scrappy affair with both teams battling for posession without much in the way of goalscoring opportunities, however Walker teed up a shot for Dave Sorensen and his effort cannoned off Carlos to decieve Kevin Pilkington and spun into the back of the net to even it up at one-apiece at half-time.

With the game evenly poised Giants looked more composed and had more of the ball and they made their posession count as Cork sent Shirtliff through to stab the ball past Davis again to restore their lead. With time running out JD just couldn't keep the ball or use it well, Walker was trying rally his players but the effort was lacking and Giants punished JD late on from a corner. Cork played it to the far post and Dave Sorensen had let Gary Flitcroft peel away from him and tuck the ball safely into the back of the net to make it three-one. Game over.

1.Phil Davis (unconvincing) 2.Richie Summerfield (considering first game back was ok, maybe not 100% match fit yet) 23.Paul Slater (naiiive at times but worked hard as usual) 13.Dave Swannick (only played seven minutes but lacking pace on second goal) 4.James Walker(c) (arguably the best player on the night but just couldn't make it count ) 12.Dave Sorensen ( ) 17.Carlos Mathews (goal was only real contribution) 9.Alex Dandy (Never got into the game)
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DIVISION THREE
LOKOMOTIV SELLY OAK 4-1 ULYSSES (ht: 2-1)
at the Tesco-Express Arena, Birmingham

Lokomotiv Selly Oak did their releagtion survival hopes a world of good with a four-one thumping of Ulysses last night, Andreas Lewald made Lokomotiv history by becoming the first overseas player to score for the club. Player/Manager Matt Shotton also presented frenchman Clement Vuarchey his debut and he was instrumental in Lokomtiv's third win in four games as they look set to hold onto their place in division three.

Richie Summerfield, Alex Dandy and Phil Davis were all omitted from the squad which allowed Vuarchey and Lewald into the team and Mark Oldfield started in goal. Oldfield did well making several decent stops before Andreas Lewald opened his account for the club with a low rasping drive from an acute angle, following good work from Vuarchey on the right wing. Owen Dimbylow bagged his seventh goal of the season as he tucked away a one-on-one with Zjelco Kalac, two-nil. Mark Oldfield was beaten by a deflected shot that squeezed between his legs, to reduce the margin, just before the break. Two-one at halftime.

Matt Shotton produced another master-stroke as he replaced Oldfield with top-goalscorer Owen Dimbylow in goal at halftime: "Well, Owen had done his bit, to be honest, he'd got a goal and we were infront and felt that with Oldfield going out with fresh legs we'd have the edge over them and it worked." It certainly did as Mark Gustavson pushed forward from midfield and beat Kalac with a fierce low-drive into the bottom left-hand corner to make it three-one. Lokomotiv were well in control and effectively ended the game as a contest with five minutes remaining when Lewald cut in from the left to curl in his second, and Lokomotiv's fourth, of the night.

Matt Shotton had this to say: "Of course I'm delighted, to be honest, we've gone into this game without our regular 'keeper, without Richie Summerfield, Alex Dandy and Dean Powell so to get a win by this scoreline is absolutely fantastic and I can't complement my players enough, they were superb tonight."

Man of the match: Andreas Lewald

3.Matt Shotton(c) (captain marvel was reliable at the back again ) 14.Andreas Lewald (two goals and a perfect performance) 6.Mark Gustavson (great goal and solid yet again) 4.Mark Oldfield (played half game in goal and half well outfield) 5.Charlie Martyn (had another top game) 13.Clement Vuarchey (solid debut in midfield for the frenchman) 10.Owen Dimbylow (scored again,kept clean sheet in second half as 'keeper,excellent performance )

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DIVISION FOUR
JD-LIONS 0-8 WEOLY WANDERERS (ht: 0-5)
at the University of the City of Birmingham Stadium in Birmingham

Any promotion hopes James Walker may have been harbouring were smashed last night as he saw his side destroyed before halftime against champions elect Weoly Wanderers. Gareth Barry Jnr did the most damage as he scored four and made two to make it a miserable night in the rain for the toothless Lions.

'Keeper Phil Davis was beaten in the first minute by a Barry Jnr strike and then Dave Sorensen was caught napping and was nutmegged, Barry Jnr flicked the ball over the advancing Davis to make it two-nil with only two minutes gone. Things went from bad to worse for Lions who were outclassed and outpassed by a younger and quicker team who reamain unbeaten this season following their promotion from division five. It continued to be a one-sided affair throughout the rest of the half as Lions lost their shape and composure as Weoly Wanderers rattled in another three before the break.

Things didn't get better in the second half as Wanderers scored within the first few seconds, Richie Summerfield was unlucky to see his clearance charged down by Barry Jnr which span past a bewildered Davis for goal number seven. Carlos reverted back to defence to plug the enormously exposed gaps for JD-Lions and stemmed the flow of goals until Barry Jnr belted in another to complete the rout two minutes from time. Eight fucking nil.

"I don't know what to say really, they played us off the park but that's obvious, to be fair, you don't need to have watched it to know that, they've shifted eight goals because they're a top team and they're unplayable but we didn't help ourselves by letting our heads go down so early on in the game, yet again."

1.Phil Davis (had a torrid night, conceded eight goals) 2.Richie Summerfield (possibly too much too soon playing against unplayable players ) 23.Paul Slater (couldn't cope with Wanderers attack ) 13.Dave Swannick (no chance against pace and skill of wanderers players ) 4.James Walker(c) (couldn't get a foothold in game) 12.Dave Sorensen (virtually a spectator) 9.Alex Dandy (cut off from game) 17.Carlos Mathews (played defence second half and did well)

A rhyme about benefit fraud

I fill in the forms, tick the box 'yes' or 'no'

Go to jobcentre plus back-and-forth, to-and-fro,

Don't you understand that I had to leave Iraq?

I'll be shot and killed if I ever go back!

Please understand that my future is bleaker,

If I cannot stay here as an asylum seeker.

"When I processed your claim I had my doubts,

Now I've got you Mr Davis you've been found out!"

"There's somthing on your form that's rather puzzling,

By the way there's two 'i's in shi'ite muslim!"

"I must say that I'm frankly appauled,

At your attempt to commit benefit fraud!"

A rhyme about smoking

I'm not being ironic; nor am I joking,
When I say that I love smoking.

Getting addicted was a mistake, But I don't think about that whilst having a fag-break.

The feeling I get when I'm taking drags, To the satisfaction I have have buying duty-free fags.

I know that it's bad for my health, like alot of things, I just enjoy it while I can and see what the future brings.

Uhlsport fangmaschine soft

I have never owned a pair of Uhlsport gloves despite them being one of the market leaders for years. Having worn Selsport, Adidas, Puma, Vintage, Umbro, Nike, Sondico, Reusch and Sells; I thought that now was the time to try Uhlsport.

I really like these gloves as they posess excellent grip on a 3mm top quality german latex palm so it softens impact of shots. Index and little finger of palm and backhand are internally stitched for the 'surround-cut' which is good for a snug fit. Fleece like material inside the gloves palm means that your hands are kept warm aswel. These gloves are effective when slightly damp so the grip is very reliable in wet or dry. Innovative wrist-strap closure with 'flex-zone' means that you can customise your fit. The gloves are quite thick and the cushioning on palm and backhand is resiliant to high impact shots. Got two pairs for price of one from Pro-Direct.com, three days delivery.

MATT SHOTTON IS 'GOING LOKO'

Furious Pigeon bagged an exclusive interview with the man that 'they hate to love', player/manager for Lokomotiv Selly Oak; Matt Shotton. He really is a tricky man to get hold of for interviews, so how did we get him? Begging, back-handers and blowjobs, that's how! Be grateful and read the story of a great man.

Shotton is clearly fond of football and cites Michael Duberry and Jonathon Woodgate as his biggest influences within the game as he grew up a Leeds United fan, Elland Road was his second home: "I used to have a part-time job at the local coal-mine where my dad worked and we worked a sixty-two hour week to save up to buy a pair of Reebok sidewinders, my whole family had to eat old newspapers and soil from the back-garden to save up for those boots and to go and watch Leeds play each week."

With those first boots Shotton took his first steps into the game and was a successful schoolboy with his team Churwell primary school who won every local trophy in yorkshire. As a youth Shotton scored a left-foot volley from the halfway line in a match watched by none other than Chris Kamara, many believe that this is where 'Kammie' first uttered his catch-phrase: "unbelievable" although those reports are unconfirmed.

Shotton is unlike your conventional football manager, an honoured law-graduate and a scholar; hence the nickname bestowed upon him by fans and the media who call him: 'The Martin O'Neil of the Birmingham leisure-leagues division three', Shotton believes that it's "A bit of a mouthfull, to be honest, I prefer Brian Clough 2."

So how did he come to have the top-job at one of the newest clubs in the league: "Phil Davis says to me; 'Matt, we need an honest team that this area can be proud of and a manager who does things by the book, I'll set up the club if you are the boss. Phil couldn't do it himself because the FA were investigating him and he was arrested on corruption charges at the time, so I said 'yes' and we went from there. I'd met Phil in June as we were working as a removals man at a solicitors firm in the city centre and we hit it off. We're not gay, though."

The pair played together with Middlesborozil in the leisure leagues premiership in Solihul and subsequently at City of Newman College premiership with Red Star Wellplayed and LA Galaxy Caramel. Shotton scored the club's (LA Galaxy Caramel) only goal in a 1-1 draw just prior to their liquidation but Shotton is not bitter: "We had some great times and I met players who I've subsequently signed for Lokomotiv, Richie Summerfield, Alex Dandy and Phil Davis himself...it was a learning curve which has laid the foundations for Lokomotiv Selly Oak."

So much is Shotton's dedication to his new post he has even moved to Selly Oak, effectively ending recent press speculation that he is not committed: "I love Selly Oak, it's great, varied, the people, the culture, the atmosphere, you know it all resonates from a rapidly growing club who've got a great stadium, The Tesco-Express Arena is fantastic...Lokomotiv really are a sleeping giant, etc, etc...."

It has not been plain sailing this season for Lokomotiv; two wins out of four means that questions have been asked and pressure has been applied, which may explain Shotton's tempestuous relationship with the media: "It's no secret that we don't get on, to be honest but I can't say too much because there are still legal proceedings ongoing...journalists are like crabs (pubic lice) they cling to you and feed, ugly, pathetic creatures that rely on you despite not actually caring for you... blood-sucking parasites who need you for their quality of life and do nothing for you, except being a nuisance that you have to live with. A journalist without football managers is nothing, they can't exist but a football manager without journalists is a man getting on with his job just fine. I've never had crabs by the way."

Shotton's next test comes on sunday against Ulysees as his side Lokomotiv will be hoping for more words of wisdom from their coach to escape the relegation dog-fight.

Matt Shotton's book: 'I'll Leeds the way' is out now, priced £14.95 which is really expensive but there are some priceless photo's in the middle

JD-LIONS 3-4 ATHLETICO MABAD

Division Four
JD-LIONS 3-4 ATHLETICO MABAD (ht:2-3)
@City of Selly Oak Arena

JD-Lions unbeaten run came to an end last night as Athletico stole both points in a seven-goal-thriller at Selly Oak Arena, disconsulate JD player/manager James Walker said: "We paid the price for some sloppy defending, they (Athletico) only had five shots and four went in but that's what this game is all about. Promotion just became a very difficult goal to achieve."


Athletico were ahead after three minutes, the early warning signs were there as Pierre Van Hoojidonk had gone close but it was Daniel Amokachi who turned Slater and played in the unmarked Roy Wegerle who steered the ball over Davis. Dave Sorensen got JD on level terms within two minutes as he slid a shot past Dave Seaman. Ken Charlery made it 2-1 with a low drive across Davis following good work from Wegerle and Amokachi but JD equalized again when Paul Slater met Steve Harris' quickly taken free-kick and struck an unstoppable shot beyond Seaman into the far-corner to even it up again.

Athletico made sure that they went into the break infront as Swannick was beaten by Wegerle and he whipped a low drive past Davis who got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out, 2-3.


Just after the break and leading goalscorer Alex Dandy added to his impressive tally for the season when he took a touch and flicked the ball past John Moncur and beat Seaman with a fierce drive, 3-3.


Athletico sealed the win with less than three minutes to go when Slater delayed on the ball and allowed Amokachi to hook his foot around the ball from fully twenty yards and it crept into the far corner beyond a bewildered Davis, 3-4: "Yeah, I didn't have a good one there if I'm honest, every shot seemed to go in so I'll hold my hands up for that defeat."


JD-Lions' Player/Manager James Walker was left seething by fans in the Bristol Road end of the ground who continuously booed Dave Sorensen throughout the game: "It's unbelievable, to be fair, the fact that people are allowed to voice their opinion, with freedom of speech which shouldn't be allowed. Footballers don't get enough money to put up with booing, they need protection from the truth. We can't have footballers realising what the people who pay their wages are thinking, I've set about getting a new kit for the entire team which is made of very dense, yet comfortable, cotton-wool. Bless Dave Sorensen, he's distraught."
The result means that JD-Lions have not moved up the table and they have a mammoth task against unbeaten all season Weoly Wanderers on sunday in a must-win game.

Man of the match: Steve Harris
Referee: 5/10

1.Phil Davis (should have done better with the goals ) 23.Paul Slater (as ever gave 100% scored a great goal but at fault for fourth goal) 4.James Walker(c)(sharp and constructive )24. Steve Harris (solid tackling, worked hard considering he's just back from injury and had an assist) 12.Dave Sorensen (excellent workrate and great goal ) 9.Alex Dandy (caused defence and keeper problems ) 17.Carlos Mathews (very unlucky infront of goal, held the ball up well ) 13.Dave Swannick (worked hard )

Division Two
REAL-JD 5-0 BAYERN MUSIC (ht:2-0)
@ The Tesco Express Arena

JD boss James Walkers' squad faced up to Bayern Music for the first time in their history and gave them a lesson in football as they easily beat the leagues newest team.

Real-JD were running rampant and could and should hav gone ahead alot earlier than they did, Carlos hit the post with a near-post effort and was denied by the woodwork again with the 'keeper stranded moments later, eventually Dave Sorensen broke Bayern's resistance as he cooly finished a nice move started by the irrepressible James Walker. Walker got on the scoresheet himself in the seventh minute when he drilled in a 'daisy-cutter' that decieved Eric Nixon, two-nil and it was really game over.

It wasn't until the final two minutes when JD made proved their worth infront of goal and scored three more unanswered goals Carlos fired in an unstoppable goal to make it three-nil followed quickly by Dave Sorensen who doubled his tally for the night and then Carlos completed his brace with second goal in a minute to make it five-nil.
Real-JD were delighted to welcome back defender Steve Harris who was superb and looks to have shaken his injury for good as long as he stays fit JD have a reliable replacement for, still sidlined, Richie Summerfiled who hopes to make a return to first team duties against Grovesy's Giants on sunday.

Man of the match: James Walker
Referee: 6/10

1.Phil Davis (didn't have much to do, excellent distribution ) 23.Paul Slater (comfortable ) 4.James Walker(c) (superb getting up and down the pitch playmaking and a great goal ) 24.Steve Harris (solid and strong, injury looks well behind him)13.Dave Swannick (looked very good, determined ) 12.Dave Sorensen (as ever gave 100% and looked dangerous going forward ) 9.Alex Dandy (two great goals and a feisty performance ) 17.Carlos Mathews (unlucky not to score a hat-trick, hit the post three times) )


Friendly
LOKOMOTIV SELLY OAK 5-3 JD-LIONS (ht:3-2)
@ The University of Birmingham Stadium

Lokomotiv Player/Manager Matt Shotton was without German midfielder Andreas Lewald and left-back Richie Summerfield against JD-Lions in a friendly which meant that Lokomotiv were awarded a 5-0 forfeit victory which has helped them no-end in the relegation dog-fight.

It was a conflict of interests for 'keeper Phil Davis who plays for both clubs but it was a pleasant excercise for both teams who conducted themselves perfectly well in a clean, but pacey, game. Owen Dimbylow put Lokomotiv two goals up early on, despite the efforts of stand-in JD-Lions 'keeper Dave 'the wall' Swannick who was sensational in keeping the scoreline down until JD got into their stride.

James Walker tested Davis with a long-range curling effort which the brummie stopper turned away from a corner, Dave Sorensen also worked the 'keeper but it seemed that there was no way through until Alex Dandy's scissor half-volley which flew in to reduce the defecit. Dimbylow set up Charles Martyn for his second goal of the season to make it three-one before Walker pulled another goal back when he rifled the ball in off both posts at Davis' near-post, three-two. Dimbylow completed his hat-trick when Oldfield sent him clear of JD-Lions backline to make it four-two. Dave Sorensen was put through by Walker late on and he calmly sent Davis the wrong way to make it three-four and the scoring was completed when Dimbylow grabbed his fourth as he thumped the ball past sub-keeper Paul Slater, who had made several top saves, to make it five-three.

The post-match press conference at The Gunbarrells Public House descended into farce when Lokomotiv Player/Manager Matt Shotton had to be restrained and lead away by police and security guards after it was alledged he that the yorkshireman assaulted a photographer: "He got in my face when I told him to keep within the boundries of the press and photographers section, it's clear where he is supposed to be sat and he came right up to my table and whispered some unpleasant things to get a reaction out of me and he got that, because I chinned the cunt a sweet one on the chin."

Shotton was released without charge but refused to apologise for his actions: "It's lamentable, but I'm not sorry for him, he is a parasite but it is regrettable, don't punch people kids...I had to go to the police station and the filth wouldn't even make me a cup of tea!"

Man of the match: Owen Dimbylow
Referee: 5/10

1.Phil Davis (made three great saves) 3.Matt Shotton(c) (looked as comfortable as ever and was unlucky not to score ) 4.Charles Martyn (great goal and decent effort in midfield) 5.Mark Oldfield (looks better in midfield and showed some nice touches) 6.Mark Gustavson (confident passing and marking )10.Owen Dimbylow (another solid performance and scored some great goals) 22.Dean Powell (so unlucky not to score but played very well)

13.Dave Swannick (made some outstanding saves) 23.Paul Slater (played in goal second half and was immense) 4.James Walker (great goal and unlucky not to get more) 12.Dave Sorensen (threatening infront of goal) 9.Alex Dandy (superb) 99.John Smith (looked skillfull)

JD-LIONS 6-4 KINGS NORTON

Division Four
JD-LIONS 6-4 KINGS NORTON (ht:4-0)
at The City of Selly Oak Stadium

JD-Lions continue to climb the table as they leap-frogged fifth-placed Kings Norton in a ten-goal thriller. The two sides have swapped places with JD a point ahead of their south Birmingham rivals.
Alex Dandy proved to be the differance for JD again as he scored a superb hat-trick taking his goals tally for the season to eighteen. Defender Paul Slater, who had an excellent game, opened the scoring as he stabbed home from a Dave Sorensen corner to make it one-nil, Carlos made it two after five minutes when he thumped the ball beyond Kasey Kellar. Dandy grabbed his first of the night to give JD a three goal lead (pictured) and then made it four on the stroke of halftime with another fine finish having been teed up by player manager James Walker.

The game should have been wrapped up, however Kings Norton gradually go more into the game, Steve Burrows took the game by the scruff of the neck and steadied the Kings Norton ship. It was Burrows who pulled the fist goal back for Kings Norton as he played a long through-ball for Ronnie Rosenthal to chase but it eluded him and right-back Dave Swannick let the ball run through his feet which decieved Davis and the ball skidded through and in off both posts. It was an awful defensive mistake and reduced the arrears, four-one. Moments later and Kings Norton scored again this time Rosenthal did get on the end of a Burrows quickly taken free-kick and swivelled past Slater and beat Davis with a curling shot, four-two.

Davis took matters into his own hands, literally, as he slung a pitch-length through-ball pass for Dandy to chase and the JD striker made no mistake in scoring his hat-trick goal as he toe-poked the ball past Kellar to make it five-two. JD should have shut up shop again, but they didn't, sloppy play from Walker on the edge of his own area let Rosenthal have a shot which Davis tipped onto the post only to see the rebound slammed home by Mark Hately. Five-three. Within a minute Hately was on the scoresheet again Burrows slid a pass down the left-flank and Hately drilled it in. Five-four. Carlos made sure that there would be no comeback and secured the points for the Lions when he smashed in a sixth goal to end Kings Norton's brave resistance.

Player/manager James Walker wa able to celebrate his birthday with a win: "We made that a lot harder than it needed to be, we defended terribly and really let our foot of the gas but it's a win and that is the main thing at this time of the season and I thought Dandy and Carlos were superb tonight. We did miss Richie Summerfield tonight, to be fair and we've still got no Steve Harris but if we can keep winning we still have a chance of getting out of this division."

JD Lions are now unbeaten in eight games in division four and sit in fifth place and face upsurging Athletico MaBad FC next sunday in what is surley a 'must-win' game.

1.Davis 4.Walker 23.Slater(sub:13.Swannick) 12.Sorensen 9.Dandy 17.Carlos (Man-of-the-match: Alex Dandy.)
Division Three
LOKOMOTIV SELLY-OAK 0-2 FC DISASTA (ht: 0-1) at the Tesco Express Arena

Player/manager Matt Shotton was without striker Dean Powell (flu) and left-back Richie Summerfield (groin) going into a tricky clash with promotion chasing FC Disasta. It was a night of frustration for the big yorkshireman however as his side were outgunned and are back in the relegation zone, second from bottom on 'alphabetical difference'!

FC Disasta started brightly and played some good football, slick passing was the order of the day and meant that they carved out several chances and could have gone infront as early as the third minute when Darren Higginbottom drew Davis out of position and squared the ball to George Kinkladze who had an open goal but somehow Davis recovered and stretched to claw the ball out to safety. Davis was in action again moments later when Oldfield was turned on the left-flank by Kinkladze whose shot was tipped onto the post by the brummie veteran and the ball bounced harmlessly back into the 'keeper's arms. Andreas Lewald was singled out for 'special treament' by the Disasta players and Kinkladze and Higginbottom were both spoken to by the referee for late challenges from behind on the big german. "Well, you know, I am really flattered that they went after me, maybe they thought that I was a real threat? But it's okay, you know, I'm not hurt, I can handle it. I had fun."

Matt Shotton was having another sterling game at the back, marshalling his defence in the absence of his defensive partner Summerfield. Indeed Shotton began Lokomotiv's best move of the game as he linked up with Dimbylow who fed Dandy with a great through-ball but the striker fired wide as he was one-on-one with Lenny Pidgley. Moments following that and FC Disasta wer ahead, right on halftime as Higginbottom peeled away from Lewald from a quickly taken free-kick and lobbed the onrushing Davis to break the deadlock. "It seemed like whoever scored first was going to win this one, to be honest. It was a bit like chess to start with and just after Dandy missed that chance they smelt blood and took advantage of us being a bit slow at the back and it's cost us dear." said player/manager Shotton.

In the second half Martyn and Dimbylow were causing problems and making decent headway in the midfield but just couldn't breach the Disasta backline and they lacked any real open goalscoring opportunities, FC Disasta put more pressure on and as Lokomotiv tired Davis ended up being the busier 'keeper and kept the score at one. With time running out though Disasta did get their rewards for the hard work as a quickly taken free-kick from Kinkladze flew past Shotton and Stewart, Davis didn't even move. Two-nil and it was all over.
"I can take some positives out of it, certainly. Charlie Martyn and Dimblylow are both playing well and link up well so I do see us with potential, we just need to be a bit more organised and alert at the back, we did miss Summerfield, to be honest but Mark Oldfield has done superbly to fit in at the back and keep up with the midfield, We're getting there but we're playing with a new couple of lads each week and it's tough to get a regular pattern going but I'm certain that we'll get there and that we'll be safe. I've added Mark Gustavson and Martin Stewart to the squad and they both had very positive debuts for us, which is great." said and upbeat Matt Shotton at the post-match press conferance.

Lokomotiv face Maypole allstars next sunday Maypole Allstars who are still not safe from the relegation zone as they sit just above and one point ahead of Lokomotiv: "It's a big game, we need to get somthing there otherwise we could drop back into the relegation zone." Lokomotiv will have to do it without german defender Andreas Lewald and Richie Summerfield who will continue to miss out due to a groin injury. Man of the match: Phil Davis.

1.Davis 3.Shotton(sub:14.Lewald) 4.Oldfield 5.Martyn 6.Gustavson(sub:12.Stewart )10.Dimbylow(sub:9.Dandy)

Friendly
REAL-JD 2-6 RUBERY (ht: 0-2)

at Tesco Express Arena

Real JD had no opposition in division two and as a result were awarded a 5-0 forfeit victory.The forfeit, albeit frustrating, has kept Real-JD in fourth place and piling pressure on Winalot Penguins.

Real-JD approached the game with little intent and didn't play much in the way of good football, Rubery were clearly the more enthusiatic and switched on of the two sides and they passed and moved quickly with invention and tested Davis regularly so it came as no surprise as Rubery were two up at the interval.

Dave Sorensen and Alex Dandy claimed the two JD consolation goals. Man of the match: Dave Sorensen.

1.Davis 23.Slater 4.Walker 13.Swannick 12.Sorensen 9.Dandy(sub:17.Carlos)

NATASHA

It was my mates' birthday bash, I'd managed to borrow some cash, And gone out on the lash, with the intention of getting smashed.

Saw a fit girl with a silk sash, In the beer garden smoking hash, So over I dash, up-close I realised that she had a tash!

Regardless I chatted up and we got mashed, But she was a bit brash, We had a minor personality clash, So I went to re-assess whilst I had a slash.

At the end of the night as subtle as a car-crash, She gave me a flash of her gash, then she sucked me off and her tash left me with a pelvis rash!

BLUETOOTH

Two lads see a chap,
And indulge in a 'happy-slap' using WAP,
The poor kid starts to flap,
His nose running like a tap, head feeling like crap.

The police look through the chav's phone,He starts to moan and groan,Poetic justice leaves the chav prone with a broken bone,And the stupid police filmed themselves doing that that on their phone!

Now they're all in court; who's telling the truth?The police, the chav or chap who lost a tooth?The judge hits the roof, because of all the proof,Despite having both video's on his own phone via blue-tooth!

DON'T WORRY, I CAN MANAGE

Furious pigeon has spoken to the foot-soldiers and now it's time to speak to the general...Player/Manager James Walker.

From the moment we began talking it becomes obvious that James Walker is a down to earth 'player's manager', which there are not enough of in football today: "I'm sure that it helps that I play every game and the lads have an affinity with me, I watch them, I play with them and I understand them. I love the coaching job and I'm so grateful for it since I recovered from a broken leg in 2006." That injury almost ended Walker's involvement in football but that fractured tibia was the 'big break' that the brummie gaffer needed: "Two months back into playing and I was given the managers job from Mathew Cross (with whom Walker used to play) and eventually I started 'JD-Lions' as a rival to Cross's Bryan Munich and took Richie Summerfield with me and I've never regretted it."
Walker cites beating his former club, along with his team-mates with Richie Summerfield and Dave Sorensen, as his most memorable moment as a player and manager: "Oh, it was absolutely great, so satisfying considering they'd had the better of the derby games prior to that night. Dave, Rich and myself go back over twenty years so, for us, it was a great feeling and then 'Bryan' as a club fell apart that week and are now defunct. That was a shame because we all love a derby match, if we win it!"

Winning a derby match is all well and good and may sound as though Walker has been starved of success, far from it; as a youngster Walker was involved with the highly successfull with Vora Lions FC winning a six-a-side trophy handed over by Doug Ellis, the owner of Aston Villa who Walker has supported his entire life, idolising David Platt. Walker has many great memories from his school team Colmers Farm (now 'Colmers'-a bit like Emmerdale!) and won they league with Frankley however missed out on a cup final win due to his age, despite having scored the winner in the semi-final! "Yeah, that still winds me up even today, red-tape won that year but I'd done my bit."

Walker's only real achievement with JD was gaining promotion with JD-Lions from division five just over a year ago and believes that the only way is up: "We've been treading water for twelve months due to signing new players and galvanising the squad but now that I know my group of players, their strength's and weaknesses I believe that this season we can get into division one which is where this club belongs. Carlos and Dandy are free-scoring and we don't have many problems at the back, Richie Summefield is always the first name on the teamsheet and I've sorted out the revolving-door which was our goalkeeping position. Dave Sorensen, Slater and Swannick are as reliable and determined as ever, we just hope that Steve Harris can recover and we will give ourselves the best opportunity of getting promotion."

FAN'S E-MAIL'S
What would be your all-time six-a-side team to play at Birmingham University leisure leagues if you had a 'Roman Abramovic Time-machine'? Tom, Slough
1.Schmeichel 2.Maldini 3.Cafu 4.Zidane 5.Messi 6.Shearer

Who is your favourite 'JD' player? Paul Slater, Birmingham
Don't have a favourite player, it's like if you have children you love them all equally.

Who has the best haircut out of all the 'JD' team? Paul Slater, Birmingham
Certainly isn't Alex Dandy.

Is it true that you turned down the England job? Carl Taylor, York
I applied for it but I didn't like the hours so I withdrew my application.

James Walker's autobiography: "A 'Walk' in the park" is available from WHSmiths and Waterstone's priced £7.95 (which is a bit steep considering all of the spelling mistakes over a mere 127 pages)

PHIL DAVIS DRAWINGS

JD-LIONS 1-1 AAA FC

DIVISION FOUR
JD-LIONS 1-1 AAA FC (ht:0-1)
at The Tesco-Express Arena

West Midlands Police are to investigate reports that JD-Lions goalkeeper Phil Davis was racially abused throughout the second half of the game, last night. It is alledged that elements of the crowd in the Bristol Road End chanted racial abuse at the veteran 'keeper who refused to comment on the incident.

Dave Sorensen earned JD Lions a priceless point against high-flying AAA last night to keep JD's feignt promotion ambitions alive. AAA took the lead just before half-time with their first real chance of the match, Mickey Mellon squared the ball to Steve Stone who let fly, Davis did remarkably well to tip the shot onto the post but the ball came back off the upright and struck the prone 'keeper on the back of the head and bounced into net.

In the second half JD Lions continued to press and carved out more chances, Walker put Dandy through but Lions' top scorer could only hit the side-netting, Carlos also went close as his shot whistled past the upright. James Walker was involved in an ugly altercation with Mellon who, arguably, should have been given his marching orders for an 'ale-house' tackle from the ensueing melee parity was restored, Walker burst forward and was brought down again, referee Uriah Pennie waved play-on as Dandy squared the ball to Dave Sorensen who tucked the ball away to level the scores. Sorensen, Slater and Summerfield were rock solid at the back as ever to plug any gaps and when AAA did find a way through Phil Davis was more than equal to whatever was thrown at him as he made several smart saves to earn his side a share of the spoils. One-one it finished which was a fair result.

JD Lions are in sixth place and unbeaten in their last seven games but next week must play Kings Norton who are just above them in the league. "It would be great to beat them because it would give us a bit of breathing space as we come into the final eight games." said player/manager Walker. "Playing the way we are at the moment, with confidence and always looking like scoring, I can see us getting up the top and challenging near the end of the season but it's going to be tough."

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 12.Sorensen 23.Slater(sub:13.Swannick) 4.Walker 9.Dandy(sub:17.Carlos) MAN-OF-THE-MATCH: Phil Davis?

FRIENDLY
REAL-JD 4-0 DISTURBED FC (ht: 2-0)
at Red-Bull Cola Centre, Birmingham, Alabama

"Bitterly disapointing to be honest." said player/manager James Walker following PL Quake's igneminious exit from the league, the polish side had dropped from the division meaning that JD could not get revenge for their 2-2 with the Krakow team back in august. JD were awarded the 5-0 forfeit victory which see's Real-JD climb to fourth in the table, the highest since august. JD played an 'exhibition' match instead against division one Disturbed FC.

Alex Dandy was the obvious hero and man of the match again as he bagged a brace to add to his, already, impressive tally for the season. Dandy struck early on, despite the presence of Julian Dicks, with a well-placed drive into the bottom left-hand corner beyond Stephan Postma to give JD the lead. 'Alex-The-Great' doubled JD's advantage inside seven minutes when he lost his marker and flicked the ball with the outside of his left boot after a delightful throughball from Summerfield who was solid at the back and instrumental in bringing the ball out of defence for JD as ever.

Carlos also got on the scoresheet when he blasted home at the near post following good work from Sorensen to tee-up his team-mate and Dave Swannick completed the scoring on a great night for JD when he pounced on a loose ball and slid it past Postma to make it 4-0.

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 12.Sorensen 23.Slater 4.Walker(sub:13.Swannick) 9.Dandy(sub:17.Carlos) MAN-OF-THE-MATCH: Alex Dandy?

DIVISION THREE
LOKOMOTIV SELLY OAK 4-2 STANDARD LI-ANGLESY (ht: 3-0)
at Tesco Express Arena

Owen Dimbylow blew Standard Li-Angleysy out of the water on sunday night with a sensational
hat-trick to open the gap between the bottom two sides. Lokomotiv are out of the relegation zone for the first time this season, player/manager Mat Shotton only took charge two weeks ago and has already dug his team out of danger; "Well, we've all chipped in, to be honest, I've got a decent bunch of lads here who know their strengths and weaknesses and we just work top them, it's not rocket-science but we can get out of danger and get safety, that's the idea."

One of Lokomotiv's 'strengths' is Owen Dimbylow who tore Standards defence apart in the first half as Summerfield, Oldfield and Martyn were supplying the goal-getter with the perfect service and he gave John Frain a torrid evening from as early as the second minute when he beat Frain for pace and smashed the ball beyond a hapless Bart Griemink and it was soon followed by number two, Summerfield-to-Martyn ho squared it to Dimbylow and he slid the ball in off the far post. Martyn also got on the scoresheet too as he chased a throughball from Alex Dandy and slid the ball underneath Griemink, three-nil. Debutant Andreas almost got booked when he cynically tripped Sidwell as halftime approached but the referee let the german off with a verbal warning.

In the second half Standard crept into the game but found Summerfield and Shotton almost impregnable, however Steve Sidwell managed to pull one back for the bottom club as the ball ran loose from a throw-in and the 'ginger-ninja' volleyed the ball past a stranded Davis. Dimbylow was in the mood for goals, however, and completed his hat-trick with five minutes to go with a vicious low-drive, across the 'keeper into the far-post. Four-one. It could have been five a minute later when debutant Dean Powell, who showed some nice touches, came off the bench and had his effort well saved by Griemink.
Standard did manage a consolation goal right at the end when Sidwell again engineered a chance for himself and beat Oldfield for pace and fired past Davis at his near post, the game ended four-two.

Lokomotiv will face FC Disasta next week hoping to build on this win and get further away from the drop zone: "Well, we really needed that, we've won this one but there's alot of hard work to do before we can relax, we know that. We're out of the relegation zone for now and just need to make sure up-the-tempo and get some more points on the board and try to survive the drop. I can praise the lads highly enough, to be honest, Richie Summerfield was superb again and Phil's (Davis) has made a few decent saves but Owen (Dimbylow) with them three goals has won it for us, to be honest. I was pleased with us performance for lots of reasons,to be honest, Mark Oldfield linked up well and looked much more composed this week, we just need to eliminate the silly mistakes we made at the back in the second half."

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 5.Martyn (sub:3.Shotton) 14.Andreas? 4.Oldfield (sub:22.Powell) 10.Dimbylow MAN-OF-THE-MATCH: Owen Dimbylow

SPITTING FEATHERS!-The pigeon rants and bitches about the week of football that just happend

1.Poland need to get their house in order, otherwise they won't host euro 2012 and risk their world cup qualifying campaign being hampered by 0-3 forfeits.
2.Nice to see champions league underdogs Cluj and Famagusta upsetting the natural order, they are europes equivalent to Hull City. Go tigers!
3.Reuben Noble-Lazarus! The 15 years and 45 days old schoolboy became the youngest ever footballer in britain, full respect...now tidy your room and do your homework!
4.Everton are cack.
5.Respect to Pompey for their UEFA cup fightback at midnight, go on Crouchy, you are my favourite posh-giraffe.
6.Four games on Match of the day!? What a joke and the games were shit. The reason? Footballers playing in UEFA cup need an extra day off! Lazy bastards, I don't get two fucking days off after I've finished work, pay me £60,000+ and I'll play every day! These lazy cunts want to try getting a real job, soft bastards.
7.Spurs are so wank it's almost stopped being funny. I say almost, I did chuckle when Hull got three points at the White Hart Lame (not a spelling mistake, a spelling mistake would be calling it 'the lane') Juande, get your coat and clear your desk because you are in danger of turning a potential champions league club into a championship club.
8.Geovani is going for goal of the month every month and fairplay to him, he entertains me.
9.Vidic elbowed Brown for the first goal against Blackburn, why do ref's give needless free-kicks for people legally challenging 'keepers but when one gets assaulted he gives it? Don't be frightend of Sir Alex Ferguson, ref's, he has to get up four times a night for a piss.
10.So happy to see Skrtel get hurt, he is a horrible, tattoed scallie prick and it was karma at Middle-Eastlands because he stamped on a player and didn't get sent off, all's well that ends well.

PAUL: THE OTHER ONE

Furious Pigeon's latest target is the defender that they call 'El Loco'-the crazy one...it's Paul Slater.

NAME:Paul Gengazedi Slater

DOB:23-04-1984

POB:Yaounde, Cameroon

POSITION:Defender

This season has seen the JD Lions pin-up boy rise to prominence, solid at the back and very sharp (just like his hair) and is a firm favourite with the female fans.

"Yes, I tend to get alot of stick from the lads for being the 'pretty-boy' of the bunch and they're all jealous because I get to do all of the hair product adverts." Slater or 'Slate' certainly is 'worth it' as he has stopped goals aswel as scored them this season; he is the highest scoring defender in the team with five goals:

"I like to get forward from time to time, it's just a football ethos that was instilled into me growing up as a Newcstle United fan...and being a David Beckham fan, he was my idol. The way 'becks' performed and carried his team like a soldier was inspiring to me and his hair is absolutely fabulous...he's the complete package."

Slater has been part of the Bryan Munich and Back-Inter-Bryan franchise that saw a positive shift in loyalties, just like his defensive partner Richie Summefield, he switched to rivals JD Lions to pursue his ambitions: "I wanted to win things and that meant a fresh start because it had gone kind of stale at Bryan after we'd got promotion to division four and I moved, you know I had moved into an apartment with my girlfriend Becky." much to the dismay of women and gays everywhere (a samaritans helpline phone number was launched to deal with traumatised teenage girls and gays.)

Following his four years with the 'Bryan franchise' Slater is now a committed and mature squad member for JD although his boss James Walker tends to disagree: "I love Slate to bits, I really do but he has his crazy moments, but all is forgiven...it's his hair, it's incredible." The JD manager is referring to Slater's disciplinary record; sent off twice so far this season already but Slater (as is his nature defends this): "Yes, yes, I suppose that I do have a few moments where the red mist descends but its only because I'm such a passionate and sexual being and my frustrations are vented as 'performance art' or just chopping people down from behind."

Having spent the entire day interviewing Paul Slater, the furious pigeon can confirm that he is a charming man with a magic hairdo; but will it be a case of 'hair-today; gone tommorow' or will he continue on with JD in the promotion race? And could he be the missing part of the jigsaw puzzle?

Paul Slater's book: 'In my defence...' is out now, priced £14.95 published by Gash-Pages.

JD-LIONS 4-2 MAYPOLE HEROES

DIVISION THREE
LOKOMOTIV SELLY OAK 0-1 BALSALL HEATHENS FC (ht:0-0)
at The People's Republic of Selly Oakgrad Stadion.

Second placed Balsall Heathens promotion campaign is still going thanks to a late winner over new-boys Lokomotiv Selly Oak on sunday night. Brett Ormorod scored the winner from a Jason Wilcox cross following a defensive mix-up between Shotton and Oldfield. Lokomotiv had set the early pace as they pushed the ball around comfortably and kept posession well and even had the first effort on goal when Dandy's low cross-shot found Oldfield who got caught in two minds and fired wide! Lokomotiv spurned another chance to take the lead when Owen Dimbylow put Dandy through on goal, unfortunately he was denied by the woodwork. Lokomotiv 'keeper Phil Davis had to sharp at the other end making a double-save from Andy Legg and Wilcox's rebound, the half ended goaless.

Shotton and Summerfield were keeping the backline solid for Lokomotiv who looked like going on to win the game if anything but with two minutes left on the clock player/manager Matt Shotton tried to offload the ball to Oldfield who was well out of position, Wilcox stole the ball and squared it hard and low and Ormerod's first time connection sent the ball past Davis at the far post and into the back of the net. Wilcox almost got on the scoresheet in injury time as he was put through by Julian Dicks but flicked the ball over the bar but Balsall Heathens had done enough.

Player/manager Mat Shotton remained upbeat despite defeat: "Hey let's get it straight, okay, two sets of players that I've brought together-they didn't know eachother as they've not even trained together and we've gone out there tonight and nearly won us match, so, you know, y' can't be too critical, 'appen we've run us socks off and I'm proud of 'em." Lokomotiv actually managed to move up one place thanks to next weeks opponents Standard Li-Angley's 0-5 defeat. It will be a real relegation battle next sunday: "Oh aye it's gunna be a battle, because they'll want to beat us real badly it literallly is a six-pointer even though it's two points for a win." Said the yorkshire gaffer.

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 3.Shotton(c) 4.Oldfield 5.Martyn(sub:9.Dandy) 6.Dimbylow

DIVISION TWO
REAL JD 7 (SEVEN)-0 PREVIOUSLY ON LOST (ht: 3-0)
at City of Selly Oak Stadium, Birmingham.

Real JD earned their first win in six attempts as they trounced 'Previously-On-Lost' by seven goals. Alex Dandy picked up the man-of-the-match award for his four-goal salvo and it was much deserved as he almost single-handedly tore Previouly apart time and time again to keep the new boys bottom of the table. It was Dandy who opened the scoring after Dave Sorensen had seen an earlier spot-kick saved by 'keeper Frode Grodas, however following Dandy's goal Carlos got in on the act as he nonchelantly flicked the ball into the top corner and then player/manager James Walker rifled in a fierce drive to make it three-nil at the break.

Alex Dandy didn't need any encouragement as he set off on a mazy run, beating Mark Draper for pace and finished with aplomb to make it four-nil. Moments later and Dandy had completed his hat-trick as he stumbled through one challenge and drilled the ball past Grodas to make it five-nil. Carlos scored his second of the game with a thumping drive but the final word went to Alex Dandy who grabbed his fourth and to complete the rout, seven-nil.

James Walker: "Absolutely brilliant, we didn't let up at halftime we wanted to go out and get as many as possible and we've got a clean-sheet, get the goal-difference up and try and get our promotion campaign back up and running, we've got a huge game against PL Quake next week and in this kind of form I think we can get the right result there, if we do and other results go our way, we could go fourth on sunday."

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 13.Swannick(sub:23.Slater) 4.Walker 12.Sorensen 9.Dandy(sub:17.Carlos)

FRIENDLY
JD-LIONS 4-2 MAYPOLE HEROES FC (ht:2-1)
at City of Birmingham Stadium, Birmingham.

JD Lions gained an invaluble couple of points from a five-nil forfeit victory due to no opposition which has meant them keeping pace in division four still in fifth place but with an enviable goal-difference of +16. Maypole Heroes were a decent test for Lions but they were well beaten as irresistable Alex Dandy scored a sensational hat-trick.

Maypole actually took the lead with a decent strike from Richard Sneekers who shook off the attention of Richie Summerfield for the only time in the game and beat Davis with a low drive. JD Lions were soon back in it with a Dandy goal which just squeezed beneath 'keeper Craig Forrest and into the back of (A very tatty, weather beaten net) moments later and Walker put Lions infront with a dipping long-range strike that caught Forrest unawares and it was 2-1 at halftime.

Lions 'keeper Phil Davis had one of his better evenings as he tipped a long-range effort from Andy Sinton onto the post and moments later frustrated Hagi as he finger-tipped a curling shot onto the opposite post. Dandy promptly took a beutifully weighted through-ball from Summerfield to beat Forrest at his near post to make it 4-1. Anthony Le-Tallec pulled one back for Maypole late on from a quickly taken free-kick by Georghe Hagi but JD Lions saw out time very comfortably with Dave Swannick, who got man-of-the-match, and Summefield dominating the backline as they had done all evening.

"Yeah it was good, Dave Swannick seems back to his best and Rich was as reliable as ever, Phil's made a couple of top class saves there, to be fair, aswel, so its an all-round good result with Dandy getting a hat-trick...no complaints really except now I have a selection head-ache between Swannick and Slater at the back who've both been superb the last few weeks but we need to just do what we've been doing tonight from now-until-the-end-of-the-season and we could sneak promotion, who knows?!" Said player/manager Walker.

1.Davis 2.Summefield 13.Swannick(sub:23.Slater) 4.Walker 12.Sorensen 17.Carlos(sub:9.Dandy)

SPITTING FEATHERS AND OPINIONS ALL OVER YOUR BITCH-ASS! -weekly football round-up from the pigeon

1. Johnstones Paint matches (or whatever they call the mickey-mouse challenge trophy these days) go straight to pens after 90 minutes drawn. Surely this common sense will spread to the FA, UEFA and FIFA?! Golden goal, silver-goal and next-goal-the-winner never worked effectively enough so why not get rid of extra-time? Referee's, fans, players and press don't want it because if you can't find a winner during an hour and a half...another half-hour when all the players are fucked is not going to help.

2. Maybe UEFA are getting round to dealing with the important decision about extra-time now that they've solved that UEFA cup headache. If you don't know what I'm on about then I shall tell you; the UEFA cup is now the 'EUROPA-LEAGUE' Brilliant name isn't it, there's a new logo and everything! And the format will be like the champions league except with 900 teams from obscure baltic states. As of next season these new 'measures' will be in place. Michel Platini described the Europa-league as "Very exciting indeed." It's given me a stiffy, what about you?

3. Whilst i'm on the subject of people wasting time and money through not actually doing their fucking job...let's turn attention to South Africa's world cup preparations: They have unveiled their World Cup 2010 mascot (which is vital, I'm sure you'll agree) Yes a leopard with an afro! They even have the costume made up and a man parading it on YouTube which is fascinating to watch...well done South Africa you've done the hard part, now just go and build some fucking stadiums, sort out your economy and crime epidemic.

4. It wouldn't be right not to mention Newcastle would it? They've had another cataclysmic week losing against the worst premiership team in the, funny shape, of Tottenham Hotspur and appointing relegation master Joe Kinnear as 'interim manager'. The last time that I heard someone describe as being 'interim' to take charge of somthing was the temporary president of Iraq and it all seems to be hunky dory over in Iraq, so the only way is up, Magpies, you fucking mess.

5. Well done to Hull for their latest away win at the London City of the United Arab Emirates Stadium against bad-losers Arsenal. What a goal by Geovani (I had to SKY+ it and have a wank)And shame on the cry-baby Gooners who'll probably be Chelski 'fans' by monday morning. Sulky twats, try supporting a real football club.

6. Spurs are gruesome to watch aren't they? They should get rid of Juande Ramos before they find themselves in the Fizzy-Pop divisions wondering what went wrong.

7. I was right about Christina Ronaldo, she gets free-kicks and penalties whenever she's tackled. That penalty against Bolton nearly made me vomit blood especially as Christina took the penalty herself, she should be ashamed of the reputation that she has given women. Please don't let football become netball, God, please...I'll go to church and everything.

8. Anybody got a clue what Andy Johnson is doing at Fulham? The only thing I saw him try to do against West Sham was get sent off and he managed it (at the third attempt) Put him out of misery and sign him someone, he's clearly not happy.

9. As a midlander it was nice to see Blues, Villa, Albion, Wolves and Walsall all win this weekend, lovely stuff. Fuck Coventry.

10. Has Joe Kinnear been out of the game for so long that he's forgotten not to swear live on Football Focus? It doesn't look good for Newcastle does it? "Fuck no." said Kinnear...maybe he's got tourettes!? Twatty-bollocks, fuck!

PHIL DAVIS ON: 'BETTER OLYMPIC GAMES'

The 2008 Beijing olympics were hailed as a success, but there is always room for improvement. By improvement I mean, of course, molesting somthing so that only a vague trace of it's original ideals remain. Read on.

Events in Swimming could be made more fun by using boiling water or sharks. For the butterfly, I ask 'why not put hurdles in each swimming lane?'
Synchronised swimming, lets be fair; its dancing at the swimming baths and the girls don't get naked so chuck a load of pyrana fish in there! That should jazz it up a bit.
In the marathon I propose that each runner should be armed with a handgun, that would be fantastic to watch...on television of course. In the cycling each rider must ingest a cocktail of vodka and cocaine...fuck it I'll put hurdles in the cycling aswel, like Steve Mcqueen but with vodka aswel. Table-Tennis is shit and south-east asians tend to dominate so how's about we level the playing field? New table-tennis regulation tables are to be 20ft X 40ft with a 12ft high net! Have that, china. Rowing is seen as 'traditional' but it seems a bit modern to me and without the necesary 'character' that seasfarer's of old had, so I think it needs a pirate makeover ie; cannons and swords for the rowers as they race to the finish line. Just imagine. Basketball found its way into the olympics and so did baseball, well done america...why hasn't cricket? Oh well fuck cricket lets just raise the basketball hoop to thirty feet above the court which will elongated to three-thousand metres in length! As for baseball, how about a grenade instead of a ball? Wrestling events will change; knives, broken bottles and CS spray should liven it up-like a friday night in London which is a coincidence because that's where the olympics will be in four years!

Archery and shooting is a bit tame given the fact that weapons are already included so why not force each 'shooter' and archer' to be injected with anaesthetic before each go? Wouldn't fancy being a spectator, though. 100 metres and all that bollocks should include athletes all taking whatever drugs they want to make it fair,not a fresh proposal I know but it may help to hammer that point home. Speaking of hammer's I believe that the event should have a claw-hammer instaed of the ball on a chain just to stop the false advertising. Karate, Judo, Tae-Kwondo etc is to be fought out by teams of fifty as opposed to individuals so its more like 'Kill Bill' and less like a waste of my precious time.

The javelin...again far too simple for an event with such potential, stay with me on this: we get convicted criminals from death-row prisons all over the world who are tied to stakes and, basically crucified, who are targets for 'javelinists'. Depending on placement of the convicts dictates the athletes score and the scewered, terminal, criminals are dealt with accordingly.

Hockey, football, handball, boxing and softball is the fine the way it is-you've got to keep some standards up.

An obvious one is fencing. What a load of nonsense; two people having a sword fight and the worst injury in the history of the sport is a sprained ankle, fuck off. No padding, no wires, no gay, bendy-foil...I want scimitars, samurai swords, axes and pikes with a winner on one side and a fucking mess on the other...in fact fuck it, add cuban knife-fight to the olympics.

Diving is fine, the jump, the turn, the symetry of a dive and technique is all fine...just don't let the diver know what he or she is diving into! Blindfolded, they jump off the diving board and: it could be water, could be cushions or bubble-wrap...although it could also be a million razor-blades! Who knows? Who even cares? They're only divers because they didn't get as far as learning to be a 'swimmer', lazy cunts!

Tennis...wel if I had my way tennis players would be forced to enter my new version of 'fencing' because tennis players deserved to get maimed.
Canoeing can only be staged if there are any pyrana fish left-over from the synchronised swimming event.

Finally I have employed a back-to-basics approach to equestrian. If you want to beat someone, whilst upon a horse, then you joust! Like a knight with a jousting pole. I hope you had as much fun reading this as did writing it, feel free to 'improve' sports yourself with time-wasting and meaningless blog articles.

KEEPING THE FAITH

He turned twenty eight years old less than a fortnight ago but he is still as agile as an obese teenager, Phil Davis talks to the pigeon about football, MILF's and God (which gets a bit tiring to be honest.)

Furious pigeon managed to catch up with JD
Lions goalkeeper Phil Davis on his local park bench, he is a courteous and unasuming young man: "Hi, how are you? I ain't a paedo, I'm not here for the kids, I'm just perving over the MILF's...have a look through this fisherprice telescope, it's shit but you can see through that chunky MILF's white shorts, (he says pointing)I fucking love this place."
FP:What drives you, Phil?
PD:Well, I've had incredible support from my girlfriend, my parents, my friends, my family because they've pushed me on and encouraged me for every moment of my life...but I'd like to thank God for everything, despite there being absolutely no evidence of his involvement whatsoever.
FP:So why thank him?
PD:Because I'm a good christian which makes me a good person.

Early days

FP:Phil Davis was born with the rare and severe condition of bi-lateral talipes (two clubbed feet) and doctor's weren't sure that you would ever be able to walk, it took two surgeon's Mr Paul Cotterill and Mr Paul Braddish twenty-four years and five seriously, gruelling, surgical procedures costing over £35,000 to rebuild your feet and ankles and here you are at the age of 28 playing regular, amateur football it really is remarkable.
PD:It certainly is remarkable, Mr Pigeon and without those two fantastic surgeon's and consultants (ranked 2nd and 3rd in the UK in their fields) I wouldn't be here today...well, I would be here but I'd probably be a wheelchair-bound, emotional mess, I praise God for healing me, Amen.

Phil played only twice for Meadows primary school as a defender making his debut on the school playing fields of Rubery juniors; "It was then that I decided that I wanted to be a 'keeper, I couldn't stand being outfield." he was ten years old but it wasn't until he was fourteen when he began playing for, Methodist Church funded, AFC Longbridge that his real playing days started. In 1995 AFC Longbridge won the Inter-Birmingham 5-a-side cup at Aston Villa leisure centre with Davis playing in all five games. Davis and AFC Longbridge had to wait four years for their next trophy but it was worth it: "The leisure-leagues premiership trophy at Birmingham university, it was fantastic; we had a great bunch of lads and that season was the result of years of hard work and steroid/nandrolone abuse." Over the next few seasons we won it again twice then got relegated and then won division one to be promoted and won the premiership again in Fox Hollies in Solihul."

Moving to Manchester

Davis moved to the city of Manchester where teams like Manchester united and Manchester city play but he was to create his own team for the company where he worked, National Carparks: "We started out as Spartak Karpark..." he says with a smile on his face "...but we had to change it to get a shirt with the company logo as a sponsor, we became NCP Manchester. We had one season where we finished third in the Stockport leisure league premiership which we could've won but we failed to win our last two games."

Davis' record in his final three seasons was incredible; just 9 defeats in 62 games and conceded just 32 goals.(goalposts were narrower in stockport leisure-leagues) "We went to Amsterdam for a cancer charity tournament, the Willow Cup founded by Bob Wilson which was great and we also played in a five-a-side NCP national cup in Barnet, London but got knocked out in the 2nd round on penaties. I loved it because Manchester is a football town, it's all football and as we were a works team the pressure was on from all corners...the MD of the company wanted to know how we got on, employee's were giving you stick if we got beaten, it was in the monthly newsletter...it was great."

Coming home

One of the most anticipated transfers of the summer saw Davis lured back to the city of his birth by Richie Summerfield who had recomended him to JD Lions player/manager James Walker who did not hesitate to snap up the veteran 'keeper (despite having never seen him play) "I'd wanted to move back here, things had gone a little stale in Manchester and I needed a fresh challenge and I'd got an apartment here with my girlfriend so I jumped at the chance to sign for JD."

Phil Davis's rubbish book; 'Jesus Saves and so do I, occasionally, Amen!' published by Ladybird books is out now (we're confident that you won't have to reserve a copy) price: £4.65 (inc VAT)