NCP MANCHESTER FC NEWS

STOCKPORT LEISURE-LEAGUES PREMIER DIVISION
NCP Manchester 0-1 Reform Club
The Bee's poor start to the season continued last night as they lost to premiership newboys Reform Club thanks to a first half strike by Dean Forrester.
NCP were , once again, without player/manager Gary Kerrigan and all-time leading goalscorer Dean Polhill and it showed as the Bee's lacked any coherance going forward, the passing was not fluid and they failed to create any serious chances infront of goal.
Reform bossed the midield from start to finish and it was a lovely move that lead to Forresters winner-a quick one-two and the stockport born striker cannoned a shot that deflected off Simpson and flew past Davis to keep the newboys in third spot. NCP remain in the wrong half of the table in eighth. 1:Davis 3:Simpson(c) 24:Pugh 4:Niyongabo 15:Noble 6:Moriarty

Results Roundup

Jolly Sailor 1-0 Athletico Pirates;Jolly Sailor are top of the league for the first time in their history thanks to Fiveways slipping up and this fantastic win over the Pirates as Carlos scored again.

Real Reform 0-0 Unreal Madrid;On paper this should have been a classic, in reality it was fairly dull as neither 'keeper had much to do. A draw leaves Unreal out of the top four and Real are still lingering around mid-table.

Gala FC 3-1 Fiveways FC;Gala recorded thier first win over their bitter rivals in three seasons and got revenge for last seasons 4-0 drubbing that ended their title dreams. Gala have a great chance this season to win the league that they have been runners up in on four occasions! Dan Wheeler was the hero as he bagged a brace that see's the champions knocked off top-spot.

Six Amigo's 0-0 PSV Hangover;This game was a poor showing, both clubs failed to take a grip on the affair and both remain in the bottom half of the table.

Swolen Goolies 0-1 No Score Draw;No Score Draw crept out of the danger zone with a narrow win over the basement boys who are yet to win this season.

Mavericks 1-1 Packing Quiche;Relegation battles are often tepid affairs and this was no different, both teams needed the win and Tom Palmer looked to have given Packing Quiche the points until Ian Clark levelled late on for the Mavericks. Quiche remain in the relegation zone but the point moved Mavericks up to tenth place.

PHIL DAVIS NEWS

MY FAILED LACROSSE CAREER, 2005

During my final year at University I had become bored with my benal weekends and had developed an interest in Lacrosse. I'm a competent football goalkeeper and I was very good at field hockey at school, I've a keen interest and knowledge of Ice-Hockey so I decided to look for a club to play for because I believed that I would use my 'knowledge and experience' and become the best Lacrosse goalkeeper in the land...it is, arguably the most ignorant thing that I have ever projected myself into.

Finding a club was not difficult as I was living in Preston at the time and Lacrosse is a popular sport in the north-west so I searched around on the internet and the closest available team was Cheadle-Hulme near Stockport. Their website was enticing, "Have played POP or regular Lacrosse before and want to join in again? We are looking for lacrosse players of all ages and standards to play or coach. E-mail blah, blah, blah..." So I sent an e-mail explaining how "I was a useful goalkeeper for a team in a league in Birmingham when I was younger" -the fact that I used to be young was the only element of truth in that message! The league, the team and the ability that I'd mentioned never existed! Undeterred by my ignorant inclusion that "I have a good command of racket sports, interested in ice and field hockey and play 'regular' football." I recieved an e-mail within two days aking for my phone number, no sooner had I sent Colin Windeler my phone number he called me; I can still remember being very stoned and tried to explain my previous lacrosse eexperience' to him. Had I been honest I would have said: "I saw a clip of it on Trans-World Sports once and it loks like fun, where do I sign?"

Despite my piss-poor Lacrosse Curriculum Vitae and had posession of no equipment except for a pair of shorts and borrowed football boots, he told me that I could start a Northern-Mens Division 5 match against Wilmslow in three days time! All of a sudden it felt like I was being set-up by MTV by my 'friends' who stared at me, pie-eyed from the sofa in our student flat. "Phil, you're going to get hurt and embaressed." Said Nici. "Well, it'll make a change from a woman doing that to me, eleven men can have a go this time!"

My Lacrosse debut preparation was similar to the way that I had made myself known, ignorant. I went to JD Sports and got a gum-shield (without realising that a helmet, provided, would be the obstacle stopping my teeth being smashed out) and I smoked one less cigarette a day until saturday morning. Saturday morning: I had convinced Iain to drive me to Cheadle-Hulme in his LDV van, on the premise that I would either be injured or humiliated and/or embaressed. This nugget of information encouraged Fran, Nici and Steve to attend aswel and increased the game's crowd capacity by 50%.

I had originally expressed an interest in being a Lacrosse Goalie due to my "Good reactions and ability to throw long-passes." In reality it's because I smoke and I run like a pensioner, it didn't matter as Colin and 'Pud' had other idea's for me: "You can be a forward, just cut infront of the crease and create traffic infront of the cage, okay?" I watch alot of american sports so I knew what they wanted me to do but the last time I ran for anything was probably a bus during the last millenium. Needless to say I was fucking awful, I didn't catch the ball in my little basket on a stick once (Re:Calling it a little basket on a stick is not a technical term and endears you to nobody inthe Lacrosse world.)

We lost the match, I couldn't keep count of the score because I thought that I was having a minor stroke by the third quarter and was bent over panting and wishing that I was dead.

I got to the shower room where I expected to be questioned and possibly beaten in some kind of public-school style ritual that is typically reserved for 'oiks' or shit Lacrosse players (by now the game was up and I had fallen into both catagories) but no, indeed they said: "Are you coming next week? Big game against Stockport, away."

The next game at Stockport was hard, I ran my guts out mainly due to loosening up the phlegm and tar from the previous week and we won, my only noteworthy contribution was serving a penalty for someone else because I was crap. Two minutes rest in the penalty box for another players misdemeanor like serving time time in prison for another mans crime. This was a steep learning curve-if I do somthing wrong I get to sit down, drink water and relax for two minutes. Bingo. Cheadle-Hulme won the Stockport game 15-5 but remained bottom of the league, the lowest place in English Mens Lacrosse and I was the worst player in the squad.

My final forray into the Lacrosse world was the local derby away against Cheadle and it was probably my lowest ebb. I incurred penalty after penalty, at one point a sympathetic oponent told the referee not to penalise me because: "He clearly doesn't know what he's doing, he doesn't know the rules." You bastard, I thought, let him punish me, I want to sit down looking pissed off for two minutes.

The Cheadle players had obviously spotted my weakness and dished me out some treatment, I'm 5'9" and skinny so they took it in turns to fling me around like a ragdoll, I felt like a pornstar on her first day being bullied by borderline rapists. At one point I was so tired and disorientated when a player smashed me on the wrist with an aluminium stick that I turned and chased him. Somehow I caught up with him, jumped on his back and wresteled him to the ground, big mistake. He landed on me and started punching me through an ill-fitting helmet which valued his punches twice with a metal cage against my nose, not content with that he headbutted me whith his face-mask. Yes, I thought, I'm going out like a hero, I'll be thrown out of the game for fighting the enemy. The referee was lenient: "Two minute penalty, when you come back on I hope that your attitude has changed!" My attitude will not change, I will definately still hate this farce. I never played again.