PIGEON-FEED

FURIOUS-PIGEON has been working on his tan in Brazil for three weeks but he is back to give you his reaction from your e-mails, regard.

Dear Furious-Pigeon, why is it that my wife and I, who cannot have children, must wait in excess of six years to be approved 'suitable for as adoption parents' yet I have dealt with many cases of single, heroin-addicts living in appauling conditions who are allowed to 'look after' their children? I am a policeman and my wife is a doctor. It just doesn't seem right somehow. Paul Wilkinson, Billericay
Welcome to the western world, Paul. It's disgusting really, I don't have a problem with vetting people who want to adopt but I think that two civil servants could decide over a fortnight review and save the six year and upwards waiting time. As for the 'people' who are allowed to have children (you've got me started now) victims of rape, drug-addicts, criminals etc it's just unbelievable. I have a question myself: why is it illegal to have underage sex but the female can keep the child? If I rob a bank, can I go to jail but keep the money?

Dear pigeon, what is the best weapon for surviving a 'zombie epidemic'? James Donaldson, Suffolk.
Do you know somthing that I don't, James? Well, for accuracy and severing the spinal column and/or destroying the brain I would recommend a silenced Heckler and Koch G36E assault rifle which features a fixed stock, 1.5 telescopic sight and 4 additional 30 round spare magazines can be attatched either side of the loaded magazine so as to 'speed-up' reloading, all five magazines boast a clear case so the operator can clearly see how many rounds remain. This weapon would smash the brains out of any undead, flesh-eating, fuck from distance (with the 1.5 telescopic sight)or at close quarters. Buy one of these, James and if the Z-apocolypse is nigh, you'll be fine. They are a bit tricky to get hold of, though, I'm afraid.
This weapon is used by police and special forces in over thirty different countries across the globe and the UN.

Dear Furious-Pigeon, I'm sexually attracted to my younger sister, am I wierd? Brian, Braintree
No, you're a fuck-up! Why do these people give their names!?

Dear Mr. Pigeon, I want to go travelling in Australia for a year but my girlfriend say's that she'll dump me if I go. I don't know what to do. Steve Forsythe, Windsor.
They do have women in Australia, you know. If you end up single I wouldn't worry. Why don't you ask your girlfriend to go with you?

Dear Furious Pigeon, I've got crabs. If I shave my pubes off will that solve the problem? Darren, Exeter.
Shaving pubes will not work. Crabs lay their eggs in the folic acid around the hair to keep eggs warm. You need to go to the doctors, get the cream (which acts like napalm to pubic lice) and get on with it. Don't have sex with homeless people will prevent it from happening again.

Dear Furious Pigeon, do you think Russell Brand and Jonathon Ross were effectively punished for what they did to Andrew Sachs? David Miller, Tottemham.
What they did was stupid but it's an over-reaction on the media's behalf, I think. Slow news week. If september 11th had just happend we wouldn't give a shit, would we?! I like Russell Brand and Jonathon Ross but a charity donation, apology and one month off BBC would have been ample in my opinion.