The 2008 Beijing olympics were hailed as a success, but there is always room for improvement. By improvement I mean, of course, molesting somthing so that only a vague trace of it's original ideals remain. Read on.
Events in Swimming could be made more fun by using boiling water or sharks. For the butterfly, I ask 'why not put hurdles in each swimming lane?'
Synchronised swimming, lets be fair; its dancing at the swimming baths and the girls don't get naked so chuck a load of pyrana fish in there! That should jazz it up a bit.
In the marathon I propose that each runner should be armed with a handgun, that would be fantastic to watch...on television of course. In the cycling each rider must ingest a cocktail of vodka and cocaine...fuck it I'll put hurdles in the cycling aswel, like Steve Mcqueen but with vodka aswel. Table-Tennis is shit and south-east asians tend to dominate so how's about we level the playing field? New table-tennis regulation tables are to be 20ft X 40ft with a 12ft high net! Have that, china. Rowing is seen as 'traditional' but it seems a bit modern to me and without the necesary 'character' that seasfarer's of old had, so I think it needs a pirate makeover ie; cannons and swords for the rowers as they race to the finish line. Just imagine. Basketball found its way into the olympics and so did baseball, well done america...why hasn't cricket? Oh well fuck cricket lets just raise the basketball hoop to thirty feet above the court which will elongated to three-thousand metres in length! As for baseball, how about a grenade instead of a ball? Wrestling events will change; knives, broken bottles and CS spray should liven it up-like a friday night in London which is a coincidence because that's where the olympics will be in four years!
Archery and shooting is a bit tame given the fact that weapons are already included so why not force each 'shooter' and archer' to be injected with anaesthetic before each go? Wouldn't fancy being a spectator, though. 100 metres and all that bollocks should include athletes all taking whatever drugs they want to make it fair,not a fresh proposal I know but it may help to hammer that point home. Speaking of hammer's I believe that the event should have a claw-hammer instaed of the ball on a chain just to stop the false advertising. Karate, Judo, Tae-Kwondo etc is to be fought out by teams of fifty as opposed to individuals so its more like 'Kill Bill' and less like a waste of my precious time.
The javelin...again far too simple for an event with such potential, stay with me on this: we get convicted criminals from death-row prisons all over the world who are tied to stakes and, basically crucified, who are targets for 'javelinists'. Depending on placement of the convicts dictates the athletes score and the scewered, terminal, criminals are dealt with accordingly.
Hockey, football, handball, boxing and softball is the fine the way it is-you've got to keep some standards up.
An obvious one is fencing. What a load of nonsense; two people having a sword fight and the worst injury in the history of the sport is a sprained ankle, fuck off. No padding, no wires, no gay, bendy-foil...I want scimitars, samurai swords, axes and pikes with a winner on one side and a fucking mess on the other...in fact fuck it, add cuban knife-fight to the olympics.
Diving is fine, the jump, the turn, the symetry of a dive and technique is all fine...just don't let the diver know what he or she is diving into! Blindfolded, they jump off the diving board and: it could be water, could be cushions or bubble-wrap...although it could also be a million razor-blades! Who knows? Who even cares? They're only divers because they didn't get as far as learning to be a 'swimmer', lazy cunts!
Tennis...wel if I had my way tennis players would be forced to enter my new version of 'fencing' because tennis players deserved to get maimed.
Canoeing can only be staged if there are any pyrana fish left-over from the synchronised swimming event.
Finally I have employed a back-to-basics approach to equestrian. If you want to beat someone, whilst upon a horse, then you joust! Like a knight with a jousting pole. I hope you had as much fun reading this as did writing it, feel free to 'improve' sports yourself with time-wasting and meaningless blog articles.
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