WEDDING
Having a white wedding? Want a lovely church as a backdrop? But your not religious? That doesn't matter, lying through your teeth to a God that you don't believe in is fine these days, apparently. As you are getting married and it's the happiest day of your life, celebrating your incredibly unique love for an individual don't forget that also you need a brand new Zanussi washing machine, whilst sending out your wedding invitations (which list your demands like some kind of middle-class suburban terrorist) you must stipulate that all gifts bought by your hostages (but maybe you should refer to them as 'guests') should be purchased from John Lewis' don't let them get away with buying anything from a shop or ebay!
I'm getting ahead of myself, the stag-do. How could I forget the stag and hen-do's. Well it used to be trip to your local then to a lap-dancers then to a club and then have a curry and then go home...not anymore; nowadays you must emotionally blackmail a two-dozen strong entourage to accompany you to a european city (less eyewitnesses to grass you up to your fiance) for a yeast-infected fortnight. I know what your thinking. My fiance won't let me go to Tallin, Amsterdam or Prague...well she's going to Falaraki, Ibiza or Kos (you see, both of you are doing the same thing so it doesn't matter) Now that is true love!
Well, the stag and hen-do shoul've taken it out of you and what with being spoilt rotten, you'll need a holiday! All those tight-fisted people that didn't give in to your demands must pay! Remember when I discussed 'emotional blackmail'? Time to employ that tactic again, mainly on bride and grooms parents...they can all chip in for your two week break on a caribean island and by the time you get home John Lewis will have delivered all of the over-priced mod-cons that you don't deserve!
CHILDREN
Okay, if you haven't already got the ankle-biters, now's the time because you are married. So to the blushing bride; you have had two weeks off to have sex with foriegners on your holiday(badly disguised as a hen-do) and a week off for your wedding (even though it lasted a day) but if you have children you can get even more time off. Read on.
So you are having children, okay? Now having a child means that you get to do the whole 'listing your demands' bit again. Yes that's right, a buggy, a pram, nappies, a push-chair, a cot are all expensive but when you get to emotionally blackmail your 'friends' it is all free!
Oh having a baby has it's drawbacks but you can get months off work because of somthing invented by american women in 1987 called 'maternity leave'.
Can you believe it? Your boss can do nothing to stop you, you've already taken the piss but now you get longer tim off and if you suffer from 'post-natal-depression' which you will! (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) you can get even longer off. Your life is basically a holiday that everyone else is paying for!
Repeat this every twelve months until your divorce. Very important to give it three months of going back to work after your brat is spawned to make it appear that you do want to work even though you obviously don't!
DIVORCE
Added bonus, because you don't believe in God won't go to hell when you get divorced...infact you'll get two months compassionate leave from the grim, little office where you pretend to work. Divorce can be very stressful, after all you need to fight for the things that are most important to you-the beutiful, awe-inspiring, joy-bringing, rays-of-sunshine: the John Lewis gifts from your wedding day and of course, your children.
While going through a bitter custordy battle and divorce you will need...yes, you guessed it, time off and not only will you get it, you'll also recieve sympathy and your parents will probably offer to look after the kids while you relax! More compassionate time off work, by now your boss will be in an iron-lung with stress, you'd better book a day off work to go and visit him in hospital to thank him for all the time off that h'es been legally obliged to give you, afterall you don't want to appear ungrateful, do you?
DEATH
Don't worry about your death, like your life; someone else will have to pay for it. Funeral expenses etc...nothing you can do to be honest and what do you care? Your dead! Leave the poor people behind to celebrate that you lived far too long.
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