FURIOUS PIGEON

JD-LIONS 7-1 KAY FC

2008-11-17T18:57:00.003Z

DIVISION TWO
REAL-JD 1-1 MVP (ht:0-0)
at Astro-Arena, Birmingham

MVP had only lost one of their last four games so a score-draw was always going to be a decent result against one of the promotion pushing teams. The first half was a tempestous battle for psoession with little quality, Phil Davis had to stop two decent efforts; Bradley Wrigh-Phillips with a long-range strike and Duncan Ferguson with a well-struck shot that needed to be tipped away to safety. Halftime 0-0.

It did not take MVP long to re-organise and prove why they are promotion favourites and it was top-scorer Ferguson who caught Paul Slater napping and turned to fire in a lethal strike, Davis no chance. Davis had to be sharp to stop Ferguson again moments later and also had Summerfield to thank for a timely interception and one superb block. Real-JD had soaked up the pressure and retaliated with their equalising goal through super-sub Dave Swannick who scored his first goal for two months when he recieved a gift on the edge of the box and right-footed it past Carlos Roa to make it one-one. The result means that JD are still sixth in the table.

Man of the match: Richie Summerfield

1.Phil Davis (couple of decent saves) 2.Richie Summerfield (absolutely superb) 23.Steve Harris (quality) 24.Paul Slater (solid again) 13.Dave Swannick (scored his first goal for a long time) 4.James Walker (ran the midfield) 12.Dave Sorensen (worked hard) 9.Alex Dandy (caused problems for defence) 17.Carlos Mathews (ok)

DIVISION THREE
LOKOMOTIV SELLY OAK 2-0 MAYOR GOLDIE WILSON (ht:0-0)
at Tesco-Express Arena

Lokomotiv Selly Oak took a massive step towards division three safety as they beat fifth place Mayor Goldie Wilson last night. MGW now look as if promotion might have slipped away following goals from Dimbylow and frenchman Clement Vuarchy.

Despite a positive first half with plenty of action Lokomotiv went into the break settled with a stalemate, whatever Player/Manager Matt Shotton said to them at halftime did the trick as they burst out of the traps and grabbed both points to hand MGW only their second defet in eight games! Owen Dimbylow scored his fifth of the campaign in rather fortunate circumstances: "Yeah I saw the defender was going to play it across the box, bit dodgy, so I just thought I'd try and get a piece of that and lucky for us-it went in. Brilliant!" The ricochet from Pallister's ill-advised clearance cbounced in off Dimbylow to put Lokomotiv infront which gave them the breathing space that they needed. However Mark Oldfield was forced into a few good saves as stand-in 'keeper and made a fine block with his legs, not once but twice to deny Anthony Le-Tallec and Keith Gillespie, to keep Lokomotiv infront.

Charles Martyn claimed the man of the match award for yet another peice of fine play for Lokomotiv when he inexplicably turned Pallister inside-out with a sublime flick, however the play resulted in a goal kick.

Eventually Lokomotiv made it two-nil following more solid work from the irrepresible Charlie Martyn and Clement Vuarchy netted his first goal for the club as he dummied 'keeper Kevin Pilkington to send him the wrong way with a lovely finish.

Lokomotiv have won five out of their six games and are favourites to beat the drop: "I've been saying this all along, I can't see us going down, we've had us destiny in us own 'ands and we've been grinding out results and at times playing really well and looking comfortable and winning games, I still think that we will survive."

Man of the match: Charles Martyn

4.Mark Oldfield (brilliant double save) 3Matt Shotton (solid at the back) 5.Charles Martyn (excellent display of skill for 'the flick') 6.Mark Gustavson (solid) 10.Owen Dimbylow (another solid display and goal) 13.Clement Vuarchy (great goal great performance and a great name!)

DIVISION FOUR
JD-LIONS 7-1 KAY FC (ht:2-0)
at The City of Birmingham Arena, Birmingham

JD-Lions remain sixth in the table despite their seven goal mauling of Kay FC last night, 'King Carlos' Mathews scored a second half hat-trick along with three-goal hero Dave Sorensen who added to Paul Salter's opener. Player/Manager James Walker was delighted with his side's performance: "We can't get relegated or promoted so for the lads to generate that kind of performance fills me with confidence for next season."

Lions were ahead on six minutes when an Alex Dandy sweeping crossfield ball was met by Paul Slater, whose burst of pace saw him meet the ball to smash it beyond Ed De Goey at his near post. Dave Sorensen doubled Lions advantage when his trickling, daisy-cutter somehow squirmed between De Goey's grasp and into the back of the net.

Things got worse for Kay FC after the break as Dave Sorensen claimed his second of the night with a near-post drive after good approach play from Carlos Mathews, Carlos Mathews wasn't to be outdone and he scored his first of the night as he unleashed a fierce shot that fizzed past De Goey and into the back of the net, it really did fizz, you should have seen it fizzing...it was like a sainsbury's paracetamol in a glass of cresta lemonade.

Kay FC did pull a goal back through Luke Chadwick, whose long range drive pinged in off Davis' far-post to make it one-three.

Carlos Mathews added to his tally minutes later when Walker sent him clear and the second highest scorer buried the ball after he'd beaten a flat-footed defence. Sorensen completed his hat-trick moments later as Kay FC's rearguard fell to apart. Not to be outdone, Carlos Mathews completed the rout with an unstoppable drive past De Goey that zipped off the turf. Seven One the final score.

Man of the match: Dave Sorensen

1.Phil Davis (fine) 2.Richie Summerfield (useful distribution and looked comfortable) 23.Paul Slater (excellent opening goal and was busy) 24.Steve Harris (rock solid) 4.James Walker (once again lead by example, very confident solid display) 12.Dave Sorensen (hat-trick hero number one, superb) 13.Dave Swannick (very good) 17.Carlos Mathews (hat-trick hero number two, could have scored more) 9.Alex Dandy (quick and effective)

JD-LIONS 1-3 SPORTING RANDOM

2008-11-02T13:54:00.004Z

DIVISION THREE
MAYPOLE HEROES 4-0 LOKOMOTIV SELLY OAK (ht:1-0)
at the Tesco Express Arena, Birmingham.

Matt Shotton's Lokomotiv side were without Dean Powell (metatarsil) and Martin Stewart as they lost four-nil to second-placed Maypole on sunday night, the result means that the Selly Oak outfit are still in the relegation mire with just four games remaining.

In a complicated twist, however, the FA of leisure-leagues have actually awarded a four-nil victory to Lokomotiv without an explanation. The league table has been altered to credit Lokomotiv with the win and Maypole with defeat however this will, surely, be amended when Maypole complain.

Matt Shotton had no comment to add other than: "That game has gone now, we're still in a relagation battle."

Man-of-the-match:Owen Dimbylow

1.Phil Davis (poor) 2.Richie Summerfield (bad error for third goal) 3.Matt Shotton(c) (couple of moments hesitation) 5.Charles Martyn (busy as usual) 4.Mark Oldfield (did well but attacks came to nothing)9.Alex Dandy (ran and chased hard) 10.Owen Dimbylow (up and down the pitch as usual) 14.Andreas Lewald (not quite 100% or convincing)
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DIVISION FOUR
JD-LIONS 1-3 SPORTING RANDOM (ht:0-1)
at 'The Lane'

James Walker has slammed referee Uzmat Singh following his shambolic performance which arguably cost JD-Lions promotion from division four: "He started badly and got worse, we've had him before and he wa ok, to be fair, you know, he's not a bad ref but that was awful. How he's made some of those decisions is beyond me, he couldn't even see the incident which they got the penalty for and he gave Richie Summefield nothing all game long. He even let us score a goal which I don't think should have stood. He gave us a throw-in whcih was wrong aswel."

The penalty drama came after just seven minutes when Paul Slater was pushed while a Random player went inside the area which is against the rules, and in the melee, Mr Singh somehow decided that it was a penalty. Gary Ablett's resulting spot-kick was nearly saved by an insensed Phil Davis but Lions were behind and never recovered.

Ablett doubled Sporting Random's advantage in the second half and at which point Lions defender Paul Slater's frustration boiled over and he upended Danny Mills and Lions were reduced to five men. Lions did come back though Alex Dandy but Danny Mills put the result beyond doubt when he capitalized on a wayward clearance by Davis and lashed to ball back in and the game ended three-one which means that Sporting Random are still in the priceless second-placed and are on for promotion. JD-Lions sit mid-table.

Man-of-the-match:Richie Summerfield
1.Phil Davis (threw game away with poor third goal) 2.Richie Summerfield (very strong but lacked adequate support) 23.Paul Slater (moment of madness didnt help team but 100% none-the-less) 4.James Walker(c) (tried to rally troops and worked hard 12.Dave Sorensen (very busy) 9.Alex Dandy (decent chances and worked hard) 17.Carlos Matthews (tough tackling but not much product)

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DIVISION TWO

REAL-JD 2-4 WINALOT PENGUINS (ht:1-2)
at Astro Arena, Birmingham.

One point is all that separates the top three teams in the intriguing division two table, Winalot Penguins are joint second following their enthralling win over Real-JD who are mathematically out of the promotion race with four games remaining.

JD were infront as early as the third minute when ? put his side ahead with a well taken stike, beating the 'keeper at his near post. Real-JD weathered the storm, Richie Summerfield was back to his old self and he and Walker were putting a block on any Penguin attack and if they did get through Phil Davis seemed to be solid. Winaolt are a team hell-bent on promotion and showed their class when on-loan signing Steve Stone smashed an equaliser into the top right-hand corner and then repeated the feat moments later to give the 'black and whites' the lead just before the break, Stone again with the lethal strike.

In the second half JD huffed and puffed without much end product and Penguins were strangling the JD midfield, Dave Sorensen worked hard but couldn't power a way through or find a way through and eventually JD cracked and allowed in Stone to strike but his shot was well saved by Davis whom tipped the ball onto the post only for it to cannon off him and into the net for his second own goal in three weeks. Davis vented his frustrations on the goal frame as he kicked the crossbar. JD took the initiative and pulled a, well-worked, goal back though Alex Dandy to make it three-two but as JD pushed up for the equaliser Penguins countered and eventually Fabrice Muamba slotted past Davis to end the game in favour of Penguins four-two.

"Bitterly dissapointed that we din't get anything from the game of course but they are quick on the break and they finish their chances off, thats how you win football matches, we've got to rebuild now because it's another season in this division because the chance of promotion has gone."

Man-of-the-match:Richie Summerfield

1.Phil Davis (not much chance with goals and one own goal) 2.Richie Summerfield (played well had to work hard ) 23.Paul Slater (forced to play out of position) 4.James Walker(c) (held up midfield well ) 12.Dave Sorensen (grafted well with no end product ) 17.Carlos Matthews (relatively redundant) 9.Alex Dandy (lack of service meant limited chances)

PIGEON-FEED

2008-11-02T12:41:00.002Z

FURIOUS-PIGEON has been working on his tan in Brazil for three weeks but he is back to give you his reaction from your e-mails, regard.

Dear Furious-Pigeon, why is it that my wife and I, who cannot have children, must wait in excess of six years to be approved 'suitable for as adoption parents' yet I have dealt with many cases of single, heroin-addicts living in appauling conditions who are allowed to 'look after' their children? I am a policeman and my wife is a doctor. It just doesn't seem right somehow. Paul Wilkinson, Billericay
Welcome to the western world, Paul. It's disgusting really, I don't have a problem with vetting people who want to adopt but I think that two civil servants could decide over a fortnight review and save the six year and upwards waiting time. As for the 'people' who are allowed to have children (you've got me started now) victims of rape, drug-addicts, criminals etc it's just unbelievable. I have a question myself: why is it illegal to have underage sex but the female can keep the child? If I rob a bank, can I go to jail but keep the money?

Dear pigeon, what is the best weapon for surviving a 'zombie epidemic'? James Donaldson, Suffolk.
Do you know somthing that I don't, James? Well, for accuracy and severing the spinal column and/or destroying the brain I would recommend a silenced Heckler and Koch G36E assault rifle which features a fixed stock, 1.5 telescopic sight and 4 additional 30 round spare magazines can be attatched either side of the loaded magazine so as to 'speed-up' reloading, all five magazines boast a clear case so the operator can clearly see how many rounds remain. This weapon would smash the brains out of any undead, flesh-eating, fuck from distance (with the 1.5 telescopic sight)or at close quarters. Buy one of these, James and if the Z-apocolypse is nigh, you'll be fine. They are a bit tricky to get hold of, though, I'm afraid.
This weapon is used by police and special forces in over thirty different countries across the globe and the UN.

Dear Furious-Pigeon, I'm sexually attracted to my younger sister, am I wierd? Brian, Braintree
No, you're a fuck-up! Why do these people give their names!?

Dear Mr. Pigeon, I want to go travelling in Australia for a year but my girlfriend say's that she'll dump me if I go. I don't know what to do. Steve Forsythe, Windsor.
They do have women in Australia, you know. If you end up single I wouldn't worry. Why don't you ask your girlfriend to go with you?

Dear Furious Pigeon, I've got crabs. If I shave my pubes off will that solve the problem? Darren, Exeter.
Shaving pubes will not work. Crabs lay their eggs in the folic acid around the hair to keep eggs warm. You need to go to the doctors, get the cream (which acts like napalm to pubic lice) and get on with it. Don't have sex with homeless people will prevent it from happening again.

Dear Furious Pigeon, do you think Russell Brand and Jonathon Ross were effectively punished for what they did to Andrew Sachs? David Miller, Tottemham.
What they did was stupid but it's an over-reaction on the media's behalf, I think. Slow news week. If september 11th had just happend we wouldn't give a shit, would we?! I like Russell Brand and Jonathon Ross but a charity donation, apology and one month off BBC would have been ample in my opinion.

JD-LIONS 0-8 WEOLY WANDERERS

2008-10-24T20:24:00.003+01:00

DIVISION TWO
REAL-JD 1-3 GROVESY'S GIANTS (ht: 1-1)
at the Astro-Arena, Birmingham

Real-JD's promotion hopes ly in tatters following a defeat at the hands of Grovesy's Giants who go above them and into fourth spot. "Being totally realistic, it will be a miracle if we get promoted now, it's a shame but results have gone against us tonight and we haven't helped ourselves at all, we gave this match to them and it was a game we badly need some points from."

Giants went infront with virtually their first attack of the game as John Harkes was sent clear of Slater by Gary Flitcroft and Shirtliff made no mistake as he tucked the ball under Davis to make it one-nil. Giants should have doubled their advantage when Alan Cork recieved a square pass from Flitcroft but he put the ball just wide with the goal at his mercy. It was a real let off for Real-JD who would go on to capitalise just before the break. It was a scrappy affair with both teams battling for posession without much in the way of goalscoring opportunities, however Walker teed up a shot for Dave Sorensen and his effort cannoned off Carlos to decieve Kevin Pilkington and spun into the back of the net to even it up at one-apiece at half-time.

With the game evenly poised Giants looked more composed and had more of the ball and they made their posession count as Cork sent Shirtliff through to stab the ball past Davis again to restore their lead. With time running out JD just couldn't keep the ball or use it well, Walker was trying rally his players but the effort was lacking and Giants punished JD late on from a corner. Cork played it to the far post and Dave Sorensen had let Gary Flitcroft peel away from him and tuck the ball safely into the back of the net to make it three-one. Game over.

1.Phil Davis (unconvincing) 2.Richie Summerfield (considering first game back was ok, maybe not 100% match fit yet) 23.Paul Slater (naiiive at times but worked hard as usual) 13.Dave Swannick (only played seven minutes but lacking pace on second goal) 4.James Walker(c) (arguably the best player on the night but just couldn't make it count ) 12.Dave Sorensen ( ) 17.Carlos Mathews (goal was only real contribution) 9.Alex Dandy (Never got into the game)
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DIVISION THREE
LOKOMOTIV SELLY OAK 4-1 ULYSSES (ht: 2-1)
at the Tesco-Express Arena, Birmingham

Lokomotiv Selly Oak did their releagtion survival hopes a world of good with a four-one thumping of Ulysses last night, Andreas Lewald made Lokomotiv history by becoming the first overseas player to score for the club. Player/Manager Matt Shotton also presented frenchman Clement Vuarchey his debut and he was instrumental in Lokomtiv's third win in four games as they look set to hold onto their place in division three.

Richie Summerfield, Alex Dandy and Phil Davis were all omitted from the squad which allowed Vuarchey and Lewald into the team and Mark Oldfield started in goal. Oldfield did well making several decent stops before Andreas Lewald opened his account for the club with a low rasping drive from an acute angle, following good work from Vuarchey on the right wing. Owen Dimbylow bagged his seventh goal of the season as he tucked away a one-on-one with Zjelco Kalac, two-nil. Mark Oldfield was beaten by a deflected shot that squeezed between his legs, to reduce the margin, just before the break. Two-one at halftime.

Matt Shotton produced another master-stroke as he replaced Oldfield with top-goalscorer Owen Dimbylow in goal at halftime: "Well, Owen had done his bit, to be honest, he'd got a goal and we were infront and felt that with Oldfield going out with fresh legs we'd have the edge over them and it worked." It certainly did as Mark Gustavson pushed forward from midfield and beat Kalac with a fierce low-drive into the bottom left-hand corner to make it three-one. Lokomotiv were well in control and effectively ended the game as a contest with five minutes remaining when Lewald cut in from the left to curl in his second, and Lokomotiv's fourth, of the night.

Matt Shotton had this to say: "Of course I'm delighted, to be honest, we've gone into this game without our regular 'keeper, without Richie Summerfield, Alex Dandy and Dean Powell so to get a win by this scoreline is absolutely fantastic and I can't complement my players enough, they were superb tonight."

Man of the match: Andreas Lewald

3.Matt Shotton(c) (captain marvel was reliable at the back again ) 14.Andreas Lewald (two goals and a perfect performance) 6.Mark Gustavson (great goal and solid yet again) 4.Mark Oldfield (played half game in goal and half well outfield) 5.Charlie Martyn (had another top game) 13.Clement Vuarchey (solid debut in midfield for the frenchman) 10.Owen Dimbylow (scored again,kept clean sheet in second half as 'keeper,excellent performance )

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DIVISION FOUR
JD-LIONS 0-8 WEOLY WANDERERS (ht: 0-5)
at the University of the City of Birmingham Stadium in Birmingham

Any promotion hopes James Walker may have been harbouring were smashed last night as he saw his side destroyed before halftime against champions elect Weoly Wanderers. Gareth Barry Jnr did the most damage as he scored four and made two to make it a miserable night in the rain for the toothless Lions.

'Keeper Phil Davis was beaten in the first minute by a Barry Jnr strike and then Dave Sorensen was caught napping and was nutmegged, Barry Jnr flicked the ball over the advancing Davis to make it two-nil with only two minutes gone. Things went from bad to worse for Lions who were outclassed and outpassed by a younger and quicker team who reamain unbeaten this season following their promotion from division five. It continued to be a one-sided affair throughout the rest of the half as Lions lost their shape and composure as Weoly Wanderers rattled in another three before the break.

Things didn't get better in the second half as Wanderers scored within the first few seconds, Richie Summerfield was unlucky to see his clearance charged down by Barry Jnr which span past a bewildered Davis for goal number seven. Carlos reverted back to defence to plug the enormously exposed gaps for JD-Lions and stemmed the flow of goals until Barry Jnr belted in another to complete the rout two minutes from time. Eight fucking nil.

"I don't know what to say really, they played us off the park but that's obvious, to be fair, you don't need to have watched it to know that, they've shifted eight goals because they're a top team and they're unplayable but we didn't help ourselves by letting our heads go down so early on in the game, yet again."

1.Phil Davis (had a torrid night, conceded eight goals) 2.Richie Summerfield (possibly too much too soon playing against unplayable players ) 23.Paul Slater (couldn't cope with Wanderers attack ) 13.Dave Swannick (no chance against pace and skill of wanderers players ) 4.James Walker(c) (couldn't get a foothold in game) 12.Dave Sorensen (virtually a spectator) 9.Alex Dandy (cut off from game) 17.Carlos Mathews (played defence second half and did well)

A rhyme about benefit fraud

2008-10-23T13:10:00.003+01:00

I fill in the forms, tick the box 'yes' or 'no'

Go to jobcentre plus back-and-forth, to-and-fro,

Don't you understand that I had to leave Iraq?

I'll be shot and killed if I ever go back!

Please understand that my future is bleaker,

If I cannot stay here as an asylum seeker.

"When I processed your claim I had my doubts,

Now I've got you Mr Davis you've been found out!"

"There's somthing on your form that's rather puzzling,

By the way there's two 'i's in shi'ite muslim!"

"I must say that I'm frankly appauled,

At your attempt to commit benefit fraud!"

A rhyme about smoking

2008-10-23T12:59:00.003+01:00

I'm not being ironic; nor am I joking,
When I say that I love smoking.

Getting addicted was a mistake, But I don't think about that whilst having a fag-break.

The feeling I get when I'm taking drags, To the satisfaction I have have buying duty-free fags.

I know that it's bad for my health, like alot of things, I just enjoy it while I can and see what the future brings.

Uhlsport fangmaschine soft

2008-10-23T08:46:00.002+01:00

I have never owned a pair of Uhlsport gloves despite them being one of the market leaders for years. Having worn Selsport, Adidas, Puma, Vintage, Umbro, Nike, Sondico, Reusch and Sells; I thought that now was the time to try Uhlsport.

I really like these gloves as they posess excellent grip on a 3mm top quality german latex palm so it softens impact of shots. Index and little finger of palm and backhand are internally stitched for the 'surround-cut' which is good for a snug fit. Fleece like material inside the gloves palm means that your hands are kept warm aswel. These gloves are effective when slightly damp so the grip is very reliable in wet or dry. Innovative wrist-strap closure with 'flex-zone' means that you can customise your fit. The gloves are quite thick and the cushioning on palm and backhand is resiliant to high impact shots. Got two pairs for price of one from Pro-Direct.com, three days delivery.

MATT SHOTTON IS 'GOING LOKO'

2008-10-22T09:03:00.007+01:00

Furious Pigeon bagged an exclusive interview with the man that 'they hate to love', player/manager for Lokomotiv Selly Oak; Matt Shotton. He really is a tricky man to get hold of for interviews, so how did we get him? Begging, back-handers and blowjobs, that's how! Be grateful and read the story of a great man.

Shotton is clearly fond of football and cites Michael Duberry and Jonathon Woodgate as his biggest influences within the game as he grew up a Leeds United fan, Elland Road was his second home: "I used to have a part-time job at the local coal-mine where my dad worked and we worked a sixty-two hour week to save up to buy a pair of Reebok sidewinders, my whole family had to eat old newspapers and soil from the back-garden to save up for those boots and to go and watch Leeds play each week."

With those first boots Shotton took his first steps into the game and was a successful schoolboy with his team Churwell primary school who won every local trophy in yorkshire. As a youth Shotton scored a left-foot volley from the halfway line in a match watched by none other than Chris Kamara, many believe that this is where 'Kammie' first uttered his catch-phrase: "unbelievable" although those reports are unconfirmed.

Shotton is unlike your conventional football manager, an honoured law-graduate and a scholar; hence the nickname bestowed upon him by fans and the media who call him: 'The Martin O'Neil of the Birmingham leisure-leagues division three', Shotton believes that it's "A bit of a mouthfull, to be honest, I prefer Brian Clough 2."

So how did he come to have the top-job at one of the newest clubs in the league: "Phil Davis says to me; 'Matt, we need an honest team that this area can be proud of and a manager who does things by the book, I'll set up the club if you are the boss. Phil couldn't do it himself because the FA were investigating him and he was arrested on corruption charges at the time, so I said 'yes' and we went from there. I'd met Phil in June as we were working as a removals man at a solicitors firm in the city centre and we hit it off. We're not gay, though."

The pair played together with Middlesborozil in the leisure leagues premiership in Solihul and subsequently at City of Newman College premiership with Red Star Wellplayed and LA Galaxy Caramel. Shotton scored the club's (LA Galaxy Caramel) only goal in a 1-1 draw just prior to their liquidation but Shotton is not bitter: "We had some great times and I met players who I've subsequently signed for Lokomotiv, Richie Summerfield, Alex Dandy and Phil Davis himself...it was a learning curve which has laid the foundations for Lokomotiv Selly Oak."

So much is Shotton's dedication to his new post he has even moved to Selly Oak, effectively ending recent press speculation that he is not committed: "I love Selly Oak, it's great, varied, the people, the culture, the atmosphere, you know it all resonates from a rapidly growing club who've got a great stadium, The Tesco-Express Arena is fantastic...Lokomotiv really are a sleeping giant, etc, etc...."

It has not been plain sailing this season for Lokomotiv; two wins out of four means that questions have been asked and pressure has been applied, which may explain Shotton's tempestuous relationship with the media: "It's no secret that we don't get on, to be honest but I can't say too much because there are still legal proceedings ongoing...journalists are like crabs (pubic lice) they cling to you and feed, ugly, pathetic creatures that rely on you despite not actually caring for you... blood-sucking parasites who need you for their quality of life and do nothing for you, except being a nuisance that you have to live with. A journalist without football managers is nothing, they can't exist but a football manager without journalists is a man getting on with his job just fine. I've never had crabs by the way."

Shotton's next test comes on sunday against Ulysees as his side Lokomotiv will be hoping for more words of wisdom from their coach to escape the relegation dog-fight.

Matt Shotton's book: 'I'll Leeds the way' is out now, priced £14.95 which is really expensive but there are some priceless photo's in the middle

JD-LIONS 3-4 ATHLETICO MABAD

2008-10-18T09:53:00.013+01:00

Division Four
JD-LIONS 3-4 ATHLETICO MABAD (ht:2-3)
@City of Selly Oak Arena

JD-Lions unbeaten run came to an end last night as Athletico stole both points in a seven-goal-thriller at Selly Oak Arena, disconsulate JD player/manager James Walker said: "We paid the price for some sloppy defending, they (Athletico) only had five shots and four went in but that's what this game is all about. Promotion just became a very difficult goal to achieve."

Athletico were ahead after three minutes, the early warning signs were there as Pierre Van Hoojidonk had gone close but it was Daniel Amokachi who turned Slater and played in the unmarked Roy Wegerle who steered the ball over Davis. Dave Sorensen got JD on level terms within two minutes as he slid a shot past Dave Seaman. Ken Charlery made it 2-1 with a low drive across Davis following good work from Wegerle and Amokachi but JD equalized again when Paul Slater met Steve Harris' quickly taken free-kick and struck an unstoppable shot beyond Seaman into the far-corner to even it up again.

Athletico made sure that they went into the break infront as Swannick was beaten by Wegerle and he whipped a low drive past Davis who got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out, 2-3.

Just after the break and leading goalscorer Alex Dandy added to his impressive tally for the season when he took a touch and flicked the ball past John Moncur and beat Seaman with a fierce drive, 3-3.

Athletico sealed the win with less than three minutes to go when Slater delayed on the ball and allowed Amokachi to hook his foot around the ball from fully twenty yards and it crept into the far corner beyond a bewildered Davis, 3-4: "Yeah, I didn't have a good one there if I'm honest, every shot seemed to go in so I'll hold my hands up for that defeat."

JD-Lions' Player/Manager James Walker was left seething by fans in the Bristol Road end of the ground who continuously booed Dave Sorensen throughout the game: "It's unbelievable, to be fair, the fact that people are allowed to voice their opinion, with freedom of speech which shouldn't be allowed. Footballers don't get enough money to put up with booing, they need protection from the truth. We can't have footballers realising what the people who pay their wages are thinking, I've set about getting a new kit for the entire team which is made of very dense, yet comfortable, cotton-wool. Bless Dave Sorensen, he's distraught."
The result means that JD-Lions have not moved up the table and they have a mammoth task against unbeaten all season Weoly Wanderers on sunday in a must-win game.

Man of the match: Steve Harris
Referee: 5/10

1.Phil Davis (should have done better with the goals ) 23.Paul Slater (as ever gave 100% scored a great goal but at fault for fourth goal) 4.James Walker(c)(sharp and constructive )24. Steve Harris (solid tackling, worked hard considering he's just back from injury and had an assist) 12.Dave Sorensen (excellent workrate and great goal ) 9.Alex Dandy (caused defence and keeper problems ) 17.Carlos Mathews (very unlucky infront of goal, held the ball up well ) 13.Dave Swannick (worked hard )

Division Two
REAL-JD 5-0 BAYERN MUSIC (ht:2-0)
@ The Tesco Express Arena

JD boss James Walkers' squad faced up to Bayern Music for the first time in their history and gave them a lesson in football as they easily beat the leagues newest team.

Real-JD were running rampant and could and should hav gone ahead alot earlier than they did, Carlos hit the post with a near-post effort and was denied by the woodwork again with the 'keeper stranded moments later, eventually Dave Sorensen broke Bayern's resistance as he cooly finished a nice move started by the irrepressible James Walker. Walker got on the scoresheet himself in the seventh minute when he drilled in a 'daisy-cutter' that decieved Eric Nixon, two-nil and it was really game over.

It wasn't until the final two minutes when JD made proved their worth infront of goal and scored three more unanswered goals Carlos fired in an unstoppable goal to make it three-nil followed quickly by Dave Sorensen who doubled his tally for the night and then Carlos completed his brace with second goal in a minute to make it five-nil.
Real-JD were delighted to welcome back defender Steve Harris who was superb and looks to have shaken his injury for good as long as he stays fit JD have a reliable replacement for, still sidlined, Richie Summerfiled who hopes to make a return to first team duties against Grovesy's Giants on sunday.

Man of the match: James Walker
Referee: 6/10

1.Phil Davis (didn't have much to do, excellent distribution ) 23.Paul Slater (comfortable ) 4.James Walker(c) (superb getting up and down the pitch playmaking and a great goal ) 24.Steve Harris (solid and strong, injury looks well behind him)13.Dave Swannick (looked very good, determined ) 12.Dave Sorensen (as ever gave 100% and looked dangerous going forward ) 9.Alex Dandy (two great goals and a feisty performance ) 17.Carlos Mathews (unlucky not to score a hat-trick, hit the post three times) )

Friendly
LOKOMOTIV SELLY OAK 5-3 JD-LIONS (ht:3-2)
@ The University of Birmingham Stadium

Lokomotiv Player/Manager Matt Shotton was without German midfielder Andreas Lewald and left-back Richie Summerfield against JD-Lions in a friendly which meant that Lokomotiv were awarded a 5-0 forfeit victory which has helped them no-end in the relegation dog-fight.

It was a conflict of interests for 'keeper Phil Davis who plays for both clubs but it was a pleasant excercise for both teams who conducted themselves perfectly well in a clean, but pacey, game. Owen Dimbylow put Lokomotiv two goals up early on, despite the efforts of stand-in JD-Lions 'keeper Dave 'the wall' Swannick who was sensational in keeping the scoreline down until JD got into their stride.

James Walker tested Davis with a long-range curling effort which the brummie stopper turned away from a corner, Dave Sorensen also worked the 'keeper but it seemed that there was no way through until Alex Dandy's scissor half-volley which flew in to reduce the defecit. Dimbylow set up Charles Martyn for his second goal of the season to make it three-one before Walker pulled another goal back when he rifled the ball in off both posts at Davis' near-post, three-two. Dimbylow completed his hat-trick when Oldfield sent him clear of JD-Lions backline to make it four-two. Dave Sorensen was put through by Walker late on and he calmly sent Davis the wrong way to make it three-four and the scoring was completed when Dimbylow grabbed his fourth as he thumped the ball past sub-keeper Paul Slater, who had made several top saves, to make it five-three.

The post-match press conference at The Gunbarrells Public House descended into farce when Lokomotiv Player/Manager Matt Shotton had to be restrained and lead away by police and security guards after it was alledged he that the yorkshireman assaulted a photographer: "He got in my face when I told him to keep within the boundries of the press and photographers section, it's clear where he is supposed to be sat and he came right up to my table and whispered some unpleasant things to get a reaction out of me and he got that, because I chinned the cunt a sweet one on the chin."

Shotton was released without charge but refused to apologise for his actions: "It's lamentable, but I'm not sorry for him, he is a parasite but it is regrettable, don't punch people kids...I had to go to the police station and the filth wouldn't even make me a cup of tea!"

Man of the match: Owen Dimbylow
Referee: 5/10

1.Phil Davis (made three great saves) 3.Matt Shotton(c) (looked as comfortable as ever and was unlucky not to score ) 4.Charles Martyn (great goal and decent effort in midfield) 5.Mark Oldfield (looks better in midfield and showed some nice touches) 6.Mark Gustavson (confident passing and marking )10.Owen Dimbylow (another solid performance and scored some great goals) 22.Dean Powell (so unlucky not to score but played very well)

13.Dave Swannick (made some outstanding saves) 23.Paul Slater (played in goal second half and was immense) 4.James Walker (great goal and unlucky not to get more) 12.Dave Sorensen (threatening infront of goal) 9.Alex Dandy (superb) 99.John Smith (looked skillfull)

JD-LIONS 6-4 KINGS NORTON

2008-10-12T22:55:00.015+01:00

Division Four
JD-LIONS 6-4 KINGS NORTON (ht:4-0)
at The City of Selly Oak Stadium

JD-Lions continue to climb the table as they leap-frogged fifth-placed Kings Norton in a ten-goal thriller. The two sides have swapped places with JD a point ahead of their south Birmingham rivals.
Alex Dandy proved to be the differance for JD again as he scored a superb hat-trick taking his goals tally for the season to eighteen. Defender Paul Slater, who had an excellent game, opened the scoring as he stabbed home from a Dave Sorensen corner to make it one-nil, Carlos made it two after five minutes when he thumped the ball beyond Kasey Kellar. Dandy grabbed his first of the night to give JD a three goal lead (pictured) and then made it four on the stroke of halftime with another fine finish having been teed up by player manager James Walker.

The game should have been wrapped up, however Kings Norton gradually go more into the game, Steve Burrows took the game by the scruff of the neck and steadied the Kings Norton ship. It was Burrows who pulled the fist goal back for Kings Norton as he played a long through-ball for Ronnie Rosenthal to chase but it eluded him and right-back Dave Swannick let the ball run through his feet which decieved Davis and the ball skidded through and in off both posts. It was an awful defensive mistake and reduced the arrears, four-one. Moments later and Kings Norton scored again this time Rosenthal did get on the end of a Burrows quickly taken free-kick and swivelled past Slater and beat Davis with a curling shot, four-two.

Davis took matters into his own hands, literally, as he slung a pitch-length through-ball pass for Dandy to chase and the JD striker made no mistake in scoring his hat-trick goal as he toe-poked the ball past Kellar to make it five-two. JD should have shut up shop again, but they didn't, sloppy play from Walker on the edge of his own area let Rosenthal have a shot which Davis tipped onto the post only to see the rebound slammed home by Mark Hately. Five-three. Within a minute Hately was on the scoresheet again Burrows slid a pass down the left-flank and Hately drilled it in. Five-four. Carlos made sure that there would be no comeback and secured the points for the Lions when he smashed in a sixth goal to end Kings Norton's brave resistance.

Player/manager James Walker wa able to celebrate his birthday with a win: "We made that a lot harder than it needed to be, we defended terribly and really let our foot of the gas but it's a win and that is the main thing at this time of the season and I thought Dandy and Carlos were superb tonight. We did miss Richie Summerfield tonight, to be fair and we've still got no Steve Harris but if we can keep winning we still have a chance of getting out of this division."

JD Lions are now unbeaten in eight games in division four and sit in fifth place and face upsurging Athletico MaBad FC next sunday in what is surley a 'must-win' game.

1.Davis 4.Walker 23.Slater(sub:13.Swannick) 12.Sorensen 9.Dandy 17.Carlos (Man-of-the-match: Alex Dandy.)
Division Three
LOKOMOTIV SELLY-OAK 0-2 FC DISASTA (ht: 0-1) at the Tesco Express Arena

Player/manager Matt Shotton was without striker Dean Powell (flu) and left-back Richie Summerfield (groin) going into a tricky clash with promotion chasing FC Disasta. It was a night of frustration for the big yorkshireman however as his side were outgunned and are back in the relegation zone, second from bottom on 'alphabetical difference'!

FC Disasta started brightly and played some good football, slick passing was the order of the day and meant that they carved out several chances and could have gone infront as early as the third minute when Darren Higginbottom drew Davis out of position and squared the ball to George Kinkladze who had an open goal but somehow Davis recovered and stretched to claw the ball out to safety. Davis was in action again moments later when Oldfield was turned on the left-flank by Kinkladze whose shot was tipped onto the post by the brummie veteran and the ball bounced harmlessly back into the 'keeper's arms. Andreas Lewald was singled out for 'special treament' by the Disasta players and Kinkladze and Higginbottom were both spoken to by the referee for late challenges from behind on the big german. "Well, you know, I am really flattered that they went after me, maybe they thought that I was a real threat? But it's okay, you know, I'm not hurt, I can handle it. I had fun."

Matt Shotton was having another sterling game at the back, marshalling his defence in the absence of his defensive partner Summerfield. Indeed Shotton began Lokomotiv's best move of the game as he linked up with Dimbylow who fed Dandy with a great through-ball but the striker fired wide as he was one-on-one with Lenny Pidgley. Moments following that and FC Disasta wer ahead, right on halftime as Higginbottom peeled away from Lewald from a quickly taken free-kick and lobbed the onrushing Davis to break the deadlock. "It seemed like whoever scored first was going to win this one, to be honest. It was a bit like chess to start with and just after Dandy missed that chance they smelt blood and took advantage of us being a bit slow at the back and it's cost us dear." said player/manager Shotton.

In the second half Martyn and Dimbylow were causing problems and making decent headway in the midfield but just couldn't breach the Disasta backline and they lacked any real open goalscoring opportunities, FC Disasta put more pressure on and as Lokomotiv tired Davis ended up being the busier 'keeper and kept the score at one. With time running out though Disasta did get their rewards for the hard work as a quickly taken free-kick from Kinkladze flew past Shotton and Stewart, Davis didn't even move. Two-nil and it was all over.
"I can take some positives out of it, certainly. Charlie Martyn and Dimblylow are both playing well and link up well so I do see us with potential, we just need to be a bit more organised and alert at the back, we did miss Summerfield, to be honest but Mark Oldfield has done superbly to fit in at the back and keep up with the midfield, We're getting there but we're playing with a new couple of lads each week and it's tough to get a regular pattern going but I'm certain that we'll get there and that we'll be safe. I've added Mark Gustavson and Martin Stewart to the squad and they both had very positive debuts for us, which is great." said and upbeat Matt Shotton at the post-match press conferance.

Lokomotiv face Maypole allstars next sunday Maypole Allstars who are still not safe from the relegation zone as they sit just above and one point ahead of Lokomotiv: "It's a big game, we need to get somthing there otherwise we could drop back into the relegation zone." Lokomotiv will have to do it without german defender Andreas Lewald and Richie Summerfield who will continue to miss out due to a groin injury. Man of the match: Phil Davis.

1.Davis 3.Shotton(sub:14.Lewald) 4.Oldfield 5.Martyn 6.Gustavson(sub:12.Stewart )10.Dimbylow(sub:9.Dandy)

Friendly
REAL-JD 2-6 RUBERY (ht: 0-2)

at Tesco Express Arena

Real JD had no opposition in division two and as a result were awarded a 5-0 forfeit victory.The forfeit, albeit frustrating, has kept Real-JD in fourth place and piling pressure on Winalot Penguins.

Real-JD approached the game with little intent and didn't play much in the way of good football, Rubery were clearly the more enthusiatic and switched on of the two sides and they passed and moved quickly with invention and tested Davis regularly so it came as no surprise as Rubery were two up at the interval.

Dave Sorensen and Alex Dandy claimed the two JD consolation goals. Man of the match: Dave Sorensen.

1.Davis 23.Slater 4.Walker 13.Swannick 12.Sorensen 9.Dandy(sub:17.Carlos)

NATASHA

2008-10-12T12:31:00.003+01:00

It was my mates' birthday bash, I'd managed to borrow some cash, And gone out on the lash, with the intention of getting smashed.

Saw a fit girl with a silk sash, In the beer garden smoking hash, So over I dash, up-close I realised that she had a tash!

Regardless I chatted up and we got mashed, But she was a bit brash, We had a minor personality clash, So I went to re-assess whilst I had a slash.

At the end of the night as subtle as a car-crash, She gave me a flash of her gash, then she sucked me off and her tash left me with a pelvis rash!

BLUETOOTH

2008-10-12T12:00:00.004+01:00

Two lads see a chap,
And indulge in a 'happy-slap' using WAP,
The poor kid starts to flap,
His nose running like a tap, head feeling like crap.

The police look through the chav's phone,He starts to moan and groan,Poetic justice leaves the chav prone with a broken bone,And the stupid police filmed themselves doing that that on their phone!

Now they're all in court; who's telling the truth?The police, the chav or chap who lost a tooth?The judge hits the roof, because of all the proof,Despite having both video's on his own phone via blue-tooth!

DON'T WORRY, I CAN MANAGE

2008-10-07T22:47:00.004+01:00

Furious pigeon has spoken to the foot-soldiers and now it's time to speak to the general...Player/Manager James Walker.

From the moment we began talking it becomes obvious that James Walker is a down to earth 'player's manager', which there are not enough of in football today: "I'm sure that it helps that I play every game and the lads have an affinity with me, I watch them, I play with them and I understand them. I love the coaching job and I'm so grateful for it since I recovered from a broken leg in 2006." That injury almost ended Walker's involvement in football but that fractured tibia was the 'big break' that the brummie gaffer needed: "Two months back into playing and I was given the managers job from Mathew Cross (with whom Walker used to play) and eventually I started 'JD-Lions' as a rival to Cross's Bryan Munich and took Richie Summerfield with me and I've never regretted it."
Walker cites beating his former club, along with his team-mates with Richie Summerfield and Dave Sorensen, as his most memorable moment as a player and manager: "Oh, it was absolutely great, so satisfying considering they'd had the better of the derby games prior to that night. Dave, Rich and myself go back over twenty years so, for us, it was a great feeling and then 'Bryan' as a club fell apart that week and are now defunct. That was a shame because we all love a derby match, if we win it!"

Winning a derby match is all well and good and may sound as though Walker has been starved of success, far from it; as a youngster Walker was involved with the highly successfull with Vora Lions FC winning a six-a-side trophy handed over by Doug Ellis, the owner of Aston Villa who Walker has supported his entire life, idolising David Platt. Walker has many great memories from his school team Colmers Farm (now 'Colmers'-a bit like Emmerdale!) and won they league with Frankley however missed out on a cup final win due to his age, despite having scored the winner in the semi-final! "Yeah, that still winds me up even today, red-tape won that year but I'd done my bit."

Walker's only real achievement with JD was gaining promotion with JD-Lions from division five just over a year ago and believes that the only way is up: "We've been treading water for twelve months due to signing new players and galvanising the squad but now that I know my group of players, their strength's and weaknesses I believe that this season we can get into division one which is where this club belongs. Carlos and Dandy are free-scoring and we don't have many problems at the back, Richie Summefield is always the first name on the teamsheet and I've sorted out the revolving-door which was our goalkeeping position. Dave Sorensen, Slater and Swannick are as reliable and determined as ever, we just hope that Steve Harris can recover and we will give ourselves the best opportunity of getting promotion."

FAN'S E-MAIL'S
What would be your all-time six-a-side team to play at Birmingham University leisure leagues if you had a 'Roman Abramovic Time-machine'? Tom, Slough
1.Schmeichel 2.Maldini 3.Cafu 4.Zidane 5.Messi 6.Shearer

Who is your favourite 'JD' player? Paul Slater, Birmingham
Don't have a favourite player, it's like if you have children you love them all equally.

Who has the best haircut out of all the 'JD' team? Paul Slater, Birmingham
Certainly isn't Alex Dandy.

Is it true that you turned down the England job? Carl Taylor, York
I applied for it but I didn't like the hours so I withdrew my application.

James Walker's autobiography: "A 'Walk' in the park" is available from WHSmiths and Waterstone's priced £7.95 (which is a bit steep considering all of the spelling mistakes over a mere 127 pages)

PHIL DAVIS DRAWINGS

2008-10-07T22:40:00.004+01:00

JD-LIONS 1-1 AAA FC

2008-10-06T08:47:00.006+01:00

DIVISION FOUR
JD-LIONS 1-1 AAA FC (ht:0-1)
at The Tesco-Express Arena

West Midlands Police are to investigate reports that JD-Lions goalkeeper Phil Davis was racially abused throughout the second half of the game, last night. It is alledged that elements of the crowd in the Bristol Road End chanted racial abuse at the veteran 'keeper who refused to comment on the incident.

Dave Sorensen earned JD Lions a priceless point against high-flying AAA last night to keep JD's feignt promotion ambitions alive. AAA took the lead just before half-time with their first real chance of the match, Mickey Mellon squared the ball to Steve Stone who let fly, Davis did remarkably well to tip the shot onto the post but the ball came back off the upright and struck the prone 'keeper on the back of the head and bounced into net.

In the second half JD Lions continued to press and carved out more chances, Walker put Dandy through but Lions' top scorer could only hit the side-netting, Carlos also went close as his shot whistled past the upright. James Walker was involved in an ugly altercation with Mellon who, arguably, should have been given his marching orders for an 'ale-house' tackle from the ensueing melee parity was restored, Walker burst forward and was brought down again, referee Uriah Pennie waved play-on as Dandy squared the ball to Dave Sorensen who tucked the ball away to level the scores. Sorensen, Slater and Summerfield were rock solid at the back as ever to plug any gaps and when AAA did find a way through Phil Davis was more than equal to whatever was thrown at him as he made several smart saves to earn his side a share of the spoils. One-one it finished which was a fair result.

JD Lions are in sixth place and unbeaten in their last seven games but next week must play Kings Norton who are just above them in the league. "It would be great to beat them because it would give us a bit of breathing space as we come into the final eight games." said player/manager Walker. "Playing the way we are at the moment, with confidence and always looking like scoring, I can see us getting up the top and challenging near the end of the season but it's going to be tough."

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 12.Sorensen 23.Slater(sub:13.Swannick) 4.Walker 9.Dandy(sub:17.Carlos) MAN-OF-THE-MATCH: Phil Davis?

FRIENDLY
REAL-JD 4-0 DISTURBED FC (ht: 2-0)
at Red-Bull Cola Centre, Birmingham, Alabama

"Bitterly disapointing to be honest." said player/manager James Walker following PL Quake's igneminious exit from the league, the polish side had dropped from the division meaning that JD could not get revenge for their 2-2 with the Krakow team back in august. JD were awarded the 5-0 forfeit victory which see's Real-JD climb to fourth in the table, the highest since august. JD played an 'exhibition' match instead against division one Disturbed FC.

Alex Dandy was the obvious hero and man of the match again as he bagged a brace to add to his, already, impressive tally for the season. Dandy struck early on, despite the presence of Julian Dicks, with a well-placed drive into the bottom left-hand corner beyond Stephan Postma to give JD the lead. 'Alex-The-Great' doubled JD's advantage inside seven minutes when he lost his marker and flicked the ball with the outside of his left boot after a delightful throughball from Summerfield who was solid at the back and instrumental in bringing the ball out of defence for JD as ever.

Carlos also got on the scoresheet when he blasted home at the near post following good work from Sorensen to tee-up his team-mate and Dave Swannick completed the scoring on a great night for JD when he pounced on a loose ball and slid it past Postma to make it 4-0.

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 12.Sorensen 23.Slater 4.Walker(sub:13.Swannick) 9.Dandy(sub:17.Carlos) MAN-OF-THE-MATCH: Alex Dandy?

DIVISION THREE
LOKOMOTIV SELLY OAK 4-2 STANDARD LI-ANGLESY (ht: 3-0)
at Tesco Express Arena

Owen Dimbylow blew Standard Li-Angleysy out of the water on sunday night with a sensational
hat-trick to open the gap between the bottom two sides. Lokomotiv are out of the relegation zone for the first time this season, player/manager Mat Shotton only took charge two weeks ago and has already dug his team out of danger; "Well, we've all chipped in, to be honest, I've got a decent bunch of lads here who know their strengths and weaknesses and we just work top them, it's not rocket-science but we can get out of danger and get safety, that's the idea."

One of Lokomotiv's 'strengths' is Owen Dimbylow who tore Standards defence apart in the first half as Summerfield, Oldfield and Martyn were supplying the goal-getter with the perfect service and he gave John Frain a torrid evening from as early as the second minute when he beat Frain for pace and smashed the ball beyond a hapless Bart Griemink and it was soon followed by number two, Summerfield-to-Martyn ho squared it to Dimbylow and he slid the ball in off the far post. Martyn also got on the scoresheet too as he chased a throughball from Alex Dandy and slid the ball underneath Griemink, three-nil. Debutant Andreas almost got booked when he cynically tripped Sidwell as halftime approached but the referee let the german off with a verbal warning.

In the second half Standard crept into the game but found Summerfield and Shotton almost impregnable, however Steve Sidwell managed to pull one back for the bottom club as the ball ran loose from a throw-in and the 'ginger-ninja' volleyed the ball past a stranded Davis. Dimbylow was in the mood for goals, however, and completed his hat-trick with five minutes to go with a vicious low-drive, across the 'keeper into the far-post. Four-one. It could have been five a minute later when debutant Dean Powell, who showed some nice touches, came off the bench and had his effort well saved by Griemink.
Standard did manage a consolation goal right at the end when Sidwell again engineered a chance for himself and beat Oldfield for pace and fired past Davis at his near post, the game ended four-two.

Lokomotiv will face FC Disasta next week hoping to build on this win and get further away from the drop zone: "Well, we really needed that, we've won this one but there's alot of hard work to do before we can relax, we know that. We're out of the relegation zone for now and just need to make sure up-the-tempo and get some more points on the board and try to survive the drop. I can praise the lads highly enough, to be honest, Richie Summerfield was superb again and Phil's (Davis) has made a few decent saves but Owen (Dimbylow) with them three goals has won it for us, to be honest. I was pleased with us performance for lots of reasons,to be honest, Mark Oldfield linked up well and looked much more composed this week, we just need to eliminate the silly mistakes we made at the back in the second half."

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 5.Martyn (sub:3.Shotton) 14.Andreas? 4.Oldfield (sub:22.Powell) 10.Dimbylow MAN-OF-THE-MATCH: Owen Dimbylow

SPITTING FEATHERS!-The pigeon rants and bitches about the week of football that just happend

1.Poland need to get their house in order, otherwise they won't host euro 2012 and risk their world cup qualifying campaign being hampered by 0-3 forfeits.
2.Nice to see champions league underdogs Cluj and Famagusta upsetting the natural order, they are europes equivalent to Hull City. Go tigers!
3.Reuben Noble-Lazarus! The 15 years and 45 days old schoolboy became the youngest ever footballer in britain, full respect...now tidy your room and do your homework!
4.Everton are cack.
5.Respect to Pompey for their UEFA cup fightback at midnight, go on Crouchy, you are my favourite posh-giraffe.
6.Four games on Match of the day!? What a joke and the games were shit. The reason? Footballers playing in UEFA cup need an extra day off! Lazy bastards, I don't get two fucking days off after I've finished work, pay me £60,000+ and I'll play every day! These lazy cunts want to try getting a real job, soft bastards.
7.Spurs are so wank it's almost stopped being funny. I say almost, I did chuckle when Hull got three points at the White Hart Lame (not a spelling mistake, a spelling mistake would be calling it 'the lane') Juande, get your coat and clear your desk because you are in danger of turning a potential champions league club into a championship club.
8.Geovani is going for goal of the month every month and fairplay to him, he entertains me.
9.Vidic elbowed Brown for the first goal against Blackburn, why do ref's give needless free-kicks for people legally challenging 'keepers but when one gets assaulted he gives it? Don't be frightend of Sir Alex Ferguson, ref's, he has to get up four times a night for a piss.
10.So happy to see Skrtel get hurt, he is a horrible, tattoed scallie prick and it was karma at Middle-Eastlands because he stamped on a player and didn't get sent off, all's well that ends well.

PAUL: THE OTHER ONE

2008-09-29T18:02:00.005+01:00

Furious Pigeon's latest target is the defender that they call 'El Loco'-the crazy one...it's Paul Slater.

NAME:Paul Gengazedi Slater

DOB:23-04-1984

POB:Yaounde, Cameroon

POSITION:Defender

This season has seen the JD Lions pin-up boy rise to prominence, solid at the back and very sharp (just like his hair) and is a firm favourite with the female fans.

"Yes, I tend to get alot of stick from the lads for being the 'pretty-boy' of the bunch and they're all jealous because I get to do all of the hair product adverts." Slater or 'Slate' certainly is 'worth it' as he has stopped goals aswel as scored them this season; he is the highest scoring defender in the team with five goals:

"I like to get forward from time to time, it's just a football ethos that was instilled into me growing up as a Newcstle United fan...and being a David Beckham fan, he was my idol. The way 'becks' performed and carried his team like a soldier was inspiring to me and his hair is absolutely fabulous...he's the complete package."

Slater has been part of the Bryan Munich and Back-Inter-Bryan franchise that saw a positive shift in loyalties, just like his defensive partner Richie Summefield, he switched to rivals JD Lions to pursue his ambitions: "I wanted to win things and that meant a fresh start because it had gone kind of stale at Bryan after we'd got promotion to division four and I moved, you know I had moved into an apartment with my girlfriend Becky." much to the dismay of women and gays everywhere (a samaritans helpline phone number was launched to deal with traumatised teenage girls and gays.)

Following his four years with the 'Bryan franchise' Slater is now a committed and mature squad member for JD although his boss James Walker tends to disagree: "I love Slate to bits, I really do but he has his crazy moments, but all is forgiven...it's his hair, it's incredible." The JD manager is referring to Slater's disciplinary record; sent off twice so far this season already but Slater (as is his nature defends this): "Yes, yes, I suppose that I do have a few moments where the red mist descends but its only because I'm such a passionate and sexual being and my frustrations are vented as 'performance art' or just chopping people down from behind."

Having spent the entire day interviewing Paul Slater, the furious pigeon can confirm that he is a charming man with a magic hairdo; but will it be a case of 'hair-today; gone tommorow' or will he continue on with JD in the promotion race? And could he be the missing part of the jigsaw puzzle?

Paul Slater's book: 'In my defence...' is out now, priced £14.95 published by Gash-Pages.

JD-LIONS 4-2 MAYPOLE HEROES

2008-09-28T15:52:00.010+01:00

DIVISION THREE
LOKOMOTIV SELLY OAK 0-1 BALSALL HEATHENS FC (ht:0-0)
at The People's Republic of Selly Oakgrad Stadion.

Second placed Balsall Heathens promotion campaign is still going thanks to a late winner over new-boys Lokomotiv Selly Oak on sunday night. Brett Ormorod scored the winner from a Jason Wilcox cross following a defensive mix-up between Shotton and Oldfield. Lokomotiv had set the early pace as they pushed the ball around comfortably and kept posession well and even had the first effort on goal when Dandy's low cross-shot found Oldfield who got caught in two minds and fired wide! Lokomotiv spurned another chance to take the lead when Owen Dimbylow put Dandy through on goal, unfortunately he was denied by the woodwork. Lokomotiv 'keeper Phil Davis had to sharp at the other end making a double-save from Andy Legg and Wilcox's rebound, the half ended goaless.

Shotton and Summerfield were keeping the backline solid for Lokomotiv who looked like going on to win the game if anything but with two minutes left on the clock player/manager Matt Shotton tried to offload the ball to Oldfield who was well out of position, Wilcox stole the ball and squared it hard and low and Ormerod's first time connection sent the ball past Davis at the far post and into the back of the net. Wilcox almost got on the scoresheet in injury time as he was put through by Julian Dicks but flicked the ball over the bar but Balsall Heathens had done enough.

Player/manager Mat Shotton remained upbeat despite defeat: "Hey let's get it straight, okay, two sets of players that I've brought together-they didn't know eachother as they've not even trained together and we've gone out there tonight and nearly won us match, so, you know, y' can't be too critical, 'appen we've run us socks off and I'm proud of 'em." Lokomotiv actually managed to move up one place thanks to next weeks opponents Standard Li-Angley's 0-5 defeat. It will be a real relegation battle next sunday: "Oh aye it's gunna be a battle, because they'll want to beat us real badly it literallly is a six-pointer even though it's two points for a win." Said the yorkshire gaffer.

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 3.Shotton(c) 4.Oldfield 5.Martyn(sub:9.Dandy) 6.Dimbylow

DIVISION TWO
REAL JD 7 (SEVEN)-0 PREVIOUSLY ON LOST (ht: 3-0)
at City of Selly Oak Stadium, Birmingham.

Real JD earned their first win in six attempts as they trounced 'Previously-On-Lost' by seven goals. Alex Dandy picked up the man-of-the-match award for his four-goal salvo and it was much deserved as he almost single-handedly tore Previouly apart time and time again to keep the new boys bottom of the table. It was Dandy who opened the scoring after Dave Sorensen had seen an earlier spot-kick saved by 'keeper Frode Grodas, however following Dandy's goal Carlos got in on the act as he nonchelantly flicked the ball into the top corner and then player/manager James Walker rifled in a fierce drive to make it three-nil at the break.

Alex Dandy didn't need any encouragement as he set off on a mazy run, beating Mark Draper for pace and finished with aplomb to make it four-nil. Moments later and Dandy had completed his hat-trick as he stumbled through one challenge and drilled the ball past Grodas to make it five-nil. Carlos scored his second of the game with a thumping drive but the final word went to Alex Dandy who grabbed his fourth and to complete the rout, seven-nil.

James Walker: "Absolutely brilliant, we didn't let up at halftime we wanted to go out and get as many as possible and we've got a clean-sheet, get the goal-difference up and try and get our promotion campaign back up and running, we've got a huge game against PL Quake next week and in this kind of form I think we can get the right result there, if we do and other results go our way, we could go fourth on sunday."

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 13.Swannick(sub:23.Slater) 4.Walker 12.Sorensen 9.Dandy(sub:17.Carlos)

FRIENDLY
JD-LIONS 4-2 MAYPOLE HEROES FC (ht:2-1)
at City of Birmingham Stadium, Birmingham.

JD Lions gained an invaluble couple of points from a five-nil forfeit victory due to no opposition which has meant them keeping pace in division four still in fifth place but with an enviable goal-difference of +16. Maypole Heroes were a decent test for Lions but they were well beaten as irresistable Alex Dandy scored a sensational hat-trick.

Maypole actually took the lead with a decent strike from Richard Sneekers who shook off the attention of Richie Summerfield for the only time in the game and beat Davis with a low drive. JD Lions were soon back in it with a Dandy goal which just squeezed beneath 'keeper Craig Forrest and into the back of (A very tatty, weather beaten net) moments later and Walker put Lions infront with a dipping long-range strike that caught Forrest unawares and it was 2-1 at halftime.

Lions 'keeper Phil Davis had one of his better evenings as he tipped a long-range effort from Andy Sinton onto the post and moments later frustrated Hagi as he finger-tipped a curling shot onto the opposite post. Dandy promptly took a beutifully weighted through-ball from Summerfield to beat Forrest at his near post to make it 4-1. Anthony Le-Tallec pulled one back for Maypole late on from a quickly taken free-kick by Georghe Hagi but JD Lions saw out time very comfortably with Dave Swannick, who got man-of-the-match, and Summefield dominating the backline as they had done all evening.

"Yeah it was good, Dave Swannick seems back to his best and Rich was as reliable as ever, Phil's made a couple of top class saves there, to be fair, aswel, so its an all-round good result with Dandy getting a hat-trick...no complaints really except now I have a selection head-ache between Swannick and Slater at the back who've both been superb the last few weeks but we need to just do what we've been doing tonight from now-until-the-end-of-the-season and we could sneak promotion, who knows?!" Said player/manager Walker.

1.Davis 2.Summefield 13.Swannick(sub:23.Slater) 4.Walker 12.Sorensen 17.Carlos(sub:9.Dandy)

SPITTING FEATHERS AND OPINIONS ALL OVER YOUR BITCH-ASS! -weekly football round-up from the pigeon

1. Johnstones Paint matches (or whatever they call the mickey-mouse challenge trophy these days) go straight to pens after 90 minutes drawn. Surely this common sense will spread to the FA, UEFA and FIFA?! Golden goal, silver-goal and next-goal-the-winner never worked effectively enough so why not get rid of extra-time? Referee's, fans, players and press don't want it because if you can't find a winner during an hour and a half...another half-hour when all the players are fucked is not going to help.

2. Maybe UEFA are getting round to dealing with the important decision about extra-time now that they've solved that UEFA cup headache. If you don't know what I'm on about then I shall tell you; the UEFA cup is now the 'EUROPA-LEAGUE' Brilliant name isn't it, there's a new logo and everything! And the format will be like the champions league except with 900 teams from obscure baltic states. As of next season these new 'measures' will be in place. Michel Platini described the Europa-league as "Very exciting indeed." It's given me a stiffy, what about you?

3. Whilst i'm on the subject of people wasting time and money through not actually doing their fucking job...let's turn attention to South Africa's world cup preparations: They have unveiled their World Cup 2010 mascot (which is vital, I'm sure you'll agree) Yes a leopard with an afro! They even have the costume made up and a man parading it on YouTube which is fascinating to watch...well done South Africa you've done the hard part, now just go and build some fucking stadiums, sort out your economy and crime epidemic.

4. It wouldn't be right not to mention Newcastle would it? They've had another cataclysmic week losing against the worst premiership team in the, funny shape, of Tottenham Hotspur and appointing relegation master Joe Kinnear as 'interim manager'. The last time that I heard someone describe as being 'interim' to take charge of somthing was the temporary president of Iraq and it all seems to be hunky dory over in Iraq, so the only way is up, Magpies, you fucking mess.

5. Well done to Hull for their latest away win at the London City of the United Arab Emirates Stadium against bad-losers Arsenal. What a goal by Geovani (I had to SKY+ it and have a wank)And shame on the cry-baby Gooners who'll probably be Chelski 'fans' by monday morning. Sulky twats, try supporting a real football club.

6. Spurs are gruesome to watch aren't they? They should get rid of Juande Ramos before they find themselves in the Fizzy-Pop divisions wondering what went wrong.

7. I was right about Christina Ronaldo, she gets free-kicks and penalties whenever she's tackled. That penalty against Bolton nearly made me vomit blood especially as Christina took the penalty herself, she should be ashamed of the reputation that she has given women. Please don't let football become netball, God, please...I'll go to church and everything.

8. Anybody got a clue what Andy Johnson is doing at Fulham? The only thing I saw him try to do against West Sham was get sent off and he managed it (at the third attempt) Put him out of misery and sign him someone, he's clearly not happy.

9. As a midlander it was nice to see Blues, Villa, Albion, Wolves and Walsall all win this weekend, lovely stuff. Fuck Coventry.

10. Has Joe Kinnear been out of the game for so long that he's forgotten not to swear live on Football Focus? It doesn't look good for Newcastle does it? "Fuck no." said Kinnear...maybe he's got tourettes!? Twatty-bollocks, fuck!

PHIL DAVIS ON: 'BETTER OLYMPIC GAMES'

2008-09-23T22:58:00.004+01:00

The 2008 Beijing olympics were hailed as a success, but there is always room for improvement. By improvement I mean, of course, molesting somthing so that only a vague trace of it's original ideals remain. Read on.

Events in Swimming could be made more fun by using boiling water or sharks. For the butterfly, I ask 'why not put hurdles in each swimming lane?'
Synchronised swimming, lets be fair; its dancing at the swimming baths and the girls don't get naked so chuck a load of pyrana fish in there! That should jazz it up a bit.
In the marathon I propose that each runner should be armed with a handgun, that would be fantastic to watch...on television of course. In the cycling each rider must ingest a cocktail of vodka and cocaine...fuck it I'll put hurdles in the cycling aswel, like Steve Mcqueen but with vodka aswel. Table-Tennis is shit and south-east asians tend to dominate so how's about we level the playing field? New table-tennis regulation tables are to be 20ft X 40ft with a 12ft high net! Have that, china. Rowing is seen as 'traditional' but it seems a bit modern to me and without the necesary 'character' that seasfarer's of old had, so I think it needs a pirate makeover ie; cannons and swords for the rowers as they race to the finish line. Just imagine. Basketball found its way into the olympics and so did baseball, well done america...why hasn't cricket? Oh well fuck cricket lets just raise the basketball hoop to thirty feet above the court which will elongated to three-thousand metres in length! As for baseball, how about a grenade instead of a ball? Wrestling events will change; knives, broken bottles and CS spray should liven it up-like a friday night in London which is a coincidence because that's where the olympics will be in four years!

Archery and shooting is a bit tame given the fact that weapons are already included so why not force each 'shooter' and archer' to be injected with anaesthetic before each go? Wouldn't fancy being a spectator, though. 100 metres and all that bollocks should include athletes all taking whatever drugs they want to make it fair,not a fresh proposal I know but it may help to hammer that point home. Speaking of hammer's I believe that the event should have a claw-hammer instaed of the ball on a chain just to stop the false advertising. Karate, Judo, Tae-Kwondo etc is to be fought out by teams of fifty as opposed to individuals so its more like 'Kill Bill' and less like a waste of my precious time.

The javelin...again far too simple for an event with such potential, stay with me on this: we get convicted criminals from death-row prisons all over the world who are tied to stakes and, basically crucified, who are targets for 'javelinists'. Depending on placement of the convicts dictates the athletes score and the scewered, terminal, criminals are dealt with accordingly.

Hockey, football, handball, boxing and softball is the fine the way it is-you've got to keep some standards up.

An obvious one is fencing. What a load of nonsense; two people having a sword fight and the worst injury in the history of the sport is a sprained ankle, fuck off. No padding, no wires, no gay, bendy-foil...I want scimitars, samurai swords, axes and pikes with a winner on one side and a fucking mess on the other...in fact fuck it, add cuban knife-fight to the olympics.

Diving is fine, the jump, the turn, the symetry of a dive and technique is all fine...just don't let the diver know what he or she is diving into! Blindfolded, they jump off the diving board and: it could be water, could be cushions or bubble-wrap...although it could also be a million razor-blades! Who knows? Who even cares? They're only divers because they didn't get as far as learning to be a 'swimmer', lazy cunts!

Tennis...wel if I had my way tennis players would be forced to enter my new version of 'fencing' because tennis players deserved to get maimed.
Canoeing can only be staged if there are any pyrana fish left-over from the synchronised swimming event.

Finally I have employed a back-to-basics approach to equestrian. If you want to beat someone, whilst upon a horse, then you joust! Like a knight with a jousting pole. I hope you had as much fun reading this as did writing it, feel free to 'improve' sports yourself with time-wasting and meaningless blog articles.

KEEPING THE FAITH

2008-09-22T20:56:00.000+01:00

He turned twenty eight years old less than a fortnight ago but he is still as agile as an obese teenager, Phil Davis talks to the pigeon about football, MILF's and God (which gets a bit tiring to be honest.)

Furious pigeon managed to catch up with JD
Lions goalkeeper Phil Davis on his local park bench, he is a courteous and unasuming young man: "Hi, how are you? I ain't a paedo, I'm not here for the kids, I'm just perving over the MILF's...have a look through this fisherprice telescope, it's shit but you can see through that chunky MILF's white shorts, (he says pointing)I fucking love this place."
FP:What drives you, Phil?
PD:Well, I've had incredible support from my girlfriend, my parents, my friends, my family because they've pushed me on and encouraged me for every moment of my life...but I'd like to thank God for everything, despite there being absolutely no evidence of his involvement whatsoever.
FP:So why thank him?
PD:Because I'm a good christian which makes me a good person.

Early days

FP:Phil Davis was born with the rare and severe condition of bi-lateral talipes (two clubbed feet) and doctor's weren't sure that you would ever be able to walk, it took two surgeon's Mr Paul Cotterill and Mr Paul Braddish twenty-four years and five seriously, gruelling, surgical procedures costing over £35,000 to rebuild your feet and ankles and here you are at the age of 28 playing regular, amateur football it really is remarkable.
PD:It certainly is remarkable, Mr Pigeon and without those two fantastic surgeon's and consultants (ranked 2nd and 3rd in the UK in their fields) I wouldn't be here today...well, I would be here but I'd probably be a wheelchair-bound, emotional mess, I praise God for healing me, Amen.

Phil played only twice for Meadows primary school as a defender making his debut on the school playing fields of Rubery juniors; "It was then that I decided that I wanted to be a 'keeper, I couldn't stand being outfield." he was ten years old but it wasn't until he was fourteen when he began playing for, Methodist Church funded, AFC Longbridge that his real playing days started. In 1995 AFC Longbridge won the Inter-Birmingham 5-a-side cup at Aston Villa leisure centre with Davis playing in all five games. Davis and AFC Longbridge had to wait four years for their next trophy but it was worth it: "The leisure-leagues premiership trophy at Birmingham university, it was fantastic; we had a great bunch of lads and that season was the result of years of hard work and steroid/nandrolone abuse." Over the next few seasons we won it again twice then got relegated and then won division one to be promoted and won the premiership again in Fox Hollies in Solihul."

Moving to Manchester

Davis moved to the city of Manchester where teams like Manchester united and Manchester city play but he was to create his own team for the company where he worked, National Carparks: "We started out as Spartak Karpark..." he says with a smile on his face "...but we had to change it to get a shirt with the company logo as a sponsor, we became NCP Manchester. We had one season where we finished third in the Stockport leisure league premiership which we could've won but we failed to win our last two games."

Davis' record in his final three seasons was incredible; just 9 defeats in 62 games and conceded just 32 goals.(goalposts were narrower in stockport leisure-leagues) "We went to Amsterdam for a cancer charity tournament, the Willow Cup founded by Bob Wilson which was great and we also played in a five-a-side NCP national cup in Barnet, London but got knocked out in the 2nd round on penaties. I loved it because Manchester is a football town, it's all football and as we were a works team the pressure was on from all corners...the MD of the company wanted to know how we got on, employee's were giving you stick if we got beaten, it was in the monthly newsletter...it was great."

Coming home

One of the most anticipated transfers of the summer saw Davis lured back to the city of his birth by Richie Summerfield who had recomended him to JD Lions player/manager James Walker who did not hesitate to snap up the veteran 'keeper (despite having never seen him play) "I'd wanted to move back here, things had gone a little stale in Manchester and I needed a fresh challenge and I'd got an apartment here with my girlfriend so I jumped at the chance to sign for JD."

Phil Davis's rubbish book; 'Jesus Saves and so do I, occasionally, Amen!' published by Ladybird books is out now (we're confident that you won't have to reserve a copy) price: £4.65 (inc VAT)

WERE DE BEERMEN 0-6 JD-LIONS

2008-09-20T12:32:00.002+01:00

DIVISION TWO
REAL JD 2-4 THAT TEAM FC (ht 2-3 )
at the Astro-Arena, Birmingham

Real JD's poor form continued as they suffered their fourth defeat in a row against 'That Team' at the Astro-Arena last night. It could and should have been so different as Real JD took the lead through Carlos when he was put through by Sorensen and 'the big man' smashed the ball past Bryan Gunn at his nearpost after just three minutes. Craig Hignett evened things up when he was allowed too much time and space to ghost through the JD backline and chipped Davis, 1-1. JD were playing good football again and their interlink passing which has been much maligned couldn't be questioned as they held posession and took the lead for a second time when Alex Dandy skipped past Paul Bodin and beat Gunn with a calm-as-you-like finish, 2-1.

All of a sudden 'That Team' woke up and got a foothold in the game Anders limpar and Rod Wallace began to dictate the midfield and it was Wallace who supplied Jan Agge Fjortoft who escaped the attention of Slater and he slid the ball past Davis into the back of the JD net to even the scores again and moments later, on the stroke of halftime, That Team took the lead for the first time in the game as Limpar sent Fjortoft out wide for a ball, he cut-in past Walker and curled a low shot that beat Davis to make it 3-2. Halftime.

Within a minute of the restart and the game was ended as a contest when That Team increased their lead by two goals thanks to a well excecuted drive from Mixu Paatalainen that beat Davis all ends up, 4-2. Davis had to be sharp off his line to deny Ruel Fox, who was (literally) a pain in the arse for Davis throughout the game as the veteran 'keeper made four saves with his backside. Davis pulled off a double save that prevented Fjortoft from claiming his hat-trick aswel and near the end Paul Slater, tired and frustrated saw the red mist descend as he clattered Lipar from behind on the cusp of the area and was sent off for the second time this season. Controversy followed as the quickly taken free-kick was put into the back of the net by Fjortoft but then ordered to be re-taken and Davis saved it, ha ha! 4-2 it finished, Real JD yet again remain seventh in the table and That Team's sixth game unbeaten means that they are still second in the league.

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 4.Walker 13.Swannick(sub:23.Harris)(sub:24.Slater(SENT OFF) 12.Sorensen 17.Carlos(sub:9.Dandy)

DIVISION FOUR

WERE DE BEERMEN 0-6 JD LIONS (ht 0-3 )

City of Selly-Oak Stadium, Birmingham

JD Lions unbeaten run now stretches to four games as they thrashed Were de Beermen last night, Lions are up to fifth place in the table on goal difference. Carlos opened the soring with his tenth goal of the season thanks to a lovely one-two with Sorensen and Carlos drove the ball past a Fraser Digby in the Beermen net. Paul Slater was on target with a neat prod home from a Dave Sorensen set piece and James Walker made it three-nil just before halftime when his long-range effort squeezed inside Digby's post. It could have been four before halftime when Lions were awarded a dubious penalty however when reluctant taker Richie Summerfield blazed over the bar, missing out on his first goal of the season. In the second half that feat was repeated by Steve Harris who also took a penalty, earned by the hard-working Sorensen and that effort was also fired over Digby's crossbar.

Alex Dandy used Sorensen to open up space and beat Digby to make it four-nil when he toe-poked the ball home just before Paul Slater grabbed his second of the game with a fierce effort past the, by now hopelessly exposed Fraser Digby, five-nil. Near the end with Were de Beermen tired and hapless Steve Harris did get his goal with his left-foot to make it six-nil which is the best result so far this season.

Player/Manager James Walker explained why he was so delightd with the result: "We've been waiting to do that to a team for weeks and tonight we've showed our potential, first clean sheet and we've never looked in any doubt because we've controlled the game from start to finish, proud of the lads, sure, because their hard work and professionalism has paid off tonight."

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 23.Slater(sub:13.Swannick) 12.Sorensen(sub:24.Harris) 4.Walker 9.Dandy(sub:17.Carlos)

The pigeon's weekly opinion's on the world of football, you could say it's 'A BIRD'S EYE VIEW'...but that would mean that you're a cunt, so don't.

1.Well done to unknown and unfancied Romanian side CFR-Cluj for beating Roma at the city of Rome stadium in Rome in champions league group stage.

2.Performance of the week was Walsall winning at Brighton with nine men for most of the game.

3.Robbie Keane can't score for toffee so the pigeon suggests that he goes to play for Everton.

4.Fair play to Paul Robinson who seems back to his best form, fatboy slimfast helped Blackburn to beat Fulham.

5.Match of the Day's 'Lawro' could be asked to explain what his 'jesse' jibe was all about, how can he have a go at the gays anyway? He's as camp as christmas!

6.Why did West Sham United display a christmas card bearing the players squad number on their guts against Newcastle U-Shited? It looks terrible, I know they're gutted about XL going bust but just leave your shirt blank like West Brom.

7.Everton watered their UEFA cup oppononents Standard Liege's half of the pitch at halftime the other night, is that allowed or fair? Answers on a postcard please...

8.Is 'Christina' Ronaldo so scared off playing with 'the older boys' that she demands that any real man tackling her should be booked or red carded? Tackles aren't done to hurt players so 'Christina' should get over herself but I expect next week that she'll ask the referee to tell Jaaskalainen to stop saving her shots otherwise she'll go home and she'll take her ball with her! I wonder what 'Lawro' would call Ronaldo? Probably a greasy faggot, Lawro you silly homophobic-racist.

9.Well done to Arsenal. They look good again and they entertain me, doesn't man that I have to like them though.

10.The pigeon has been waiting to say this for weeks and I think that it is fair and time to say that Spurs are wank and it cost them £60m, to be wank.

IT'S "SUMMER" TIME

2008-09-20T11:31:00.000+01:00

JD LIONS' DEFENDER RICHARD SUMMERFIELD INTERVIEW
The furious-pigeon chats to 'Mr. Reliable' about previous clubs, bizarre own goals and stealing Neil Ruddock's cat!
We meet up with Richard Summerfield at the Gunbarrells public house which lies in the shadow of the Astro-Arena where JD Lions play their home games and from the 'off'' we find him an affable, young, footballer; courteous and housing a brooding intensity uncommon amongst many of his peers. Because Summerfield is not like many footballers, you may or may not know that he has a degree in history and politics from the university of Leicester and intends to complete his masters next year, he is a 'thinking mans footballer'. Born and raised in the second city Summerfield is a proud bluenose, following Birmingham whenever he can, club commitments permitting, obviously.
"Following the blues is important to me, sure, its just a bit frustrating really-it's similar to JD Lions, but hopefully blues will get promoted back up to the prem(iership) this season and I can help JD to get promoted aswel...that's the plan."

Since his controversial switch from Back Inter Bryan FC to rivals JD Lions back in 2007, following his sucessfull promotion from division two, Summerfield has made the left-back position his own and never let boss James Walker down, Summerfield has not missed a game over the past two season's. The man who lured him to the club, player/manager James Walker speaks very highly of him: "He's one of the most dependable lads we've got at the club, never late, never injured, never suspended, always consistant, he's a managers player."

Summerfield was lambasted by his former employers for making the short move and a hate campaign was launched against him by his former team-mates who considererd the transfer a Celtic-to-Rangers style betrayal: "When I was playing for 'Bryan' (Bryan-Munich/Inter-Bryan/Back-Inter-Bryan) I was enjoying my football alot as I always have but it seemed like I needed a new challenge as I'd been there for seven season's (scoring ten goals in the process) and when James Walker came in for me with a decent team I couldn't turn it down. The chance to play with the likes of Alex Dandy and Dave Sorensen was an opportunity to be grabbed and I've no regrets."

YOUR QUESTIONS

Who was your favourite player growing up? Jason, Portishead
RS: I'd have to say David Beckham, with his work-rate, ability, what he did (does?) for England, he's a great player and an example to kids playing the game everywhere.

Would you send me the underpants that you wore in the game against that polish team, please, please, please? Malcolm, Highbury
RS: Absoloutely not, no.

Are you going to grow your famous long hair back or are you keeping it short? I preferred it when it was long. Jenny, Tamworth
RS: Probably going to keep it short...are there any football questions because these are a bit gay...

Would you send me a cup of your blood and a lock of your hair? Malcolm, Highbury
RS: Fuck this.

Richard Summerfield's book 'Left-back and beyond' by Furious-Publisher's is now available at all good stockists priced £7.95

MAN ON THE MOON 3-3 JD-LIONS

2008-09-15T08:17:00.001+01:00

Division Four
MAN ON THE MOON 3-3 JD LIONS

Man on the moon pub remain fourth in the table following their three-all draw against seventh placed JD Lions. Man on the moon went ahead on four minutes with their first attack of the game when Gary Ablett fed Mark Robbins the ball, he turned Steve Harris and his curled effort found the back of the net. JD Lions responded quickly as Carlos beat Clayton Blackmore and teed up Dave Sorensen who smashed the ball beyond Tony Coton to make it one-a-piece.

Within a minute of the restart Man on the moon were back infront, however, JD went to sleep and went two-one down as Robbins' flick was met with a half-volley by Blisset as he proded the ball past Davis. Parity was rstored just before the break as player/manager James Walker set himself up and curled an unstoppable drive into the top right hand corner that gave Coton no chance. Two-two at the break.

Man on the moon were conceding posession and several corners as JD Lions took the game to them, Coton made a decent stop from substitute Alex Dandy who came on in place of a lacklustre Carlos, Dandy did get another chance though and he took it with aplomb as he played some neat, intricate passing with Sorensen and toepoked the ball past Coton to put JD Lions three-two infront.

JD Lions just can't seem to buy a win at the moment and it came as no surprise when Phil Stamp played in Mark Robbins to claim his second goal of the night and, arguably, the best as his long-range curler flew into the bottom left hand corner of Davis' net. The game ended in a draw which was not much help to either side who remain in the same place as they did before kick off.

"Well, they're not a bad team, you know they're unbeaten in six games now and they're always a threat; mainly because they've got Mark Robbins up front who made the difference today, to be fair, Phil Davis is a bit disappointed because he's only had four shots to save and three have gone in but that's the way it goes somtimes, he'll be better next week, we all will." said a slightly deflated player/manager James Walker.

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 24.Harris(sub:13.Swannick) 4.Walker(sub:24.Slater) 12.Sorensen 17.Carlos(sub:9.Dandy)

Division Two
SEXY DOUGHNUTS 4-2 REAL JD

Sexy Doughnuts' vice-like grip on top-spot in division two showed no signs of loosening as they hammered Real JD last night with a first-half blitz, scoring four times.

John Sheridan opened the scoring as early as the third minute when he struck from distance and saw the ball squirm threw Davis' hands and into the back of the net, it was a soft goal and following that opener the 'Doughnuts' could smell blood; Carl Shutt was next on the scoresheet as he used his pace which took him beyond Walker and Summerfield and dinked the ball over the advancing Davis to make it two-nil after just five minutes. Real JD hadn't really got hold of the ball by the time that Shutt had scored his second with a carbon-copy of his first goal, three-nil and the contest was effectively over. Real JD did stage a mini comeback though and Dave Sorensen battled for posession on the edge of the box and drilled in a shot which beat Les Sealey at his near post. It was merely a stay of excecution for Real however as Nigel Gleghorn burst threw the defence and smashed the ball into the back of the net to make it four-one at halftime, Real JD had no answer to the 'Doughnuts' qucik counter-attack.

The second half saw fewer chances than the first as Real had more posession as Sexy Doughnuts eased off and with time running out Alex Dandy was able to score a consolation goal against Sealey after another neat move between himself and Sorensen, four-two it finished but Real JD are still seventh in the league and badly need points if their promtion dreams are going to be realised, just two wins out of their last six matches.

"Sexy Doughnuts have only lost one game all season (eleven games) so it was always going to be tough, obviously...last time we played them they put eight past us so I suppose we're improving. They're a top class team, they're going to win this league I've no doubt about that so it was damage limitation stuff for us and we've played some decent football and scored a pair of top quality goals so I will take some positives out of it tonight despite the result." Said player/manager James Walker.

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 23.Harris 4.Walker(sub:24.Slater) 12.Sorensen 17.Carlos(sub:9.Dandy)

FURIOUS PIGEONS TEN-POINT OBSERVATIONALISATIONISM OF THE WEEKEND'S FOOTBALL EVENTS

1.England are ace again, apparently-Trio Walcot is the darling of the press...how long until they find some dirt on him, date-rape allegation or homosexual allegation!? The cheeky bonus in the win over Croatia was Joe Cole getting his head split open; doctors said that, following a scan, results proved that he didn't have any sense knocked into him.

2.Keegan quits again! Shambolic events at Newcastle as they lost at home to average rugby team Hull, shandy-swigging, cockney-mafia are on their way out which is a shame because Newcastle provide the comedy-element on Match of the Day. Guthrie is a dirty twat aswel.

3.Titus Bramble...what the fuck is going on there? Another own goal for the scrapbook, you tit.

4.Gianfranco Zola is the new West Sham United boss, is he mad, a genius or both like Hannibal Lecter or Arsene Wenger?

5.Manchestarab City lose at the Middle-Eastlands stadium; shame but more fun there with Man City fans dressing like Sheikhs, I wonder whether or not the new owners have a good sense of humour? They're going to need it.

6.Linesmen are rubbish. What a weekend for the 'grasses with flags' they were shit and following from the pigeons observation from last week-people have started mentioning 'video-replays' again! Thankyou Big-Sam Allerdyce.

7.Rory Delap's uber-long-throw is going to give Tim Howard nightmares for weeks, Stoke are the new Bolton Wanderers with their fantastic 'Basketball' tactics.

8.Van-Der-Sar needs his P45, I'm sorry Edwin, the pigeon loves you but you're playing like an AIDS victim-don't go down the same route David 'Oooh my back!' Seaman went.

9.West Brom got their first win against 'sponsor-less', manager-less and clueless West Sham which was nice.

10.John Terry is the best rugby player in the premiership and the way he behaved to the ref following his red card would get him a ban from rugby.

Vintage Gloves

2008-09-10T00:05:00.001+01:00

VINTAGE

Got these on ebay for £8 and £3 postage and packaging, which is another bargain because these obscure gloves, presumably from abroad, are awesome. Flat-cut palm, 3mm or 4mm thick with stretchy gussets made from fleece material for warmth and features a robust plastic back-hand. The gloves 'piece-de-resistance' though is the fingerspines fed into the double-latex-layered backhand to prevent injury. The gold and black scorpion design is quite sexy aswel so I shall look like a 'classy-rapist'.

Vintage Gloves

2008-09-09T23:55:00.001+01:00

Another view of the Vintage gloves

Sondico SAS Gloves

2008-09-09T23:50:00.001+01:00

Sondico SAS

To be honest I have had these gloves before twice, given to me by Stephen Bywater, they are simple and effective, very old school. Flat-cut palm, long-wrap wrist enclosure with lots of cushioning. Got them for £3 in Sports-World in the Bullring, absolute bargain.

JD-LIONS 4-2 STEPHEN HAWKINGx6

2008-09-08T08:30:00.001+01:00

DIVISION 2
Stockpot Seaoners 4-2 Real JD

Stockpot Seasoners easily rolled over Real JD on sunday night with goals from Tim Sherwood, Chris Kiwomya and Robert Rosario to put the latest dent in (under-pressure) player/manager James Walker's promotion hopes.

Sherwood opened the scoring inside six minutes as he linked up with Rosario and sidestepped Slater to sweep the ball into the back of the net to put the Seasoners a goal up. Moments later and Stockpot doubled their advantage as Real JD were left horribly exposed at the back as Kiwomya fed Sherwood who squared it to Rosario who stabbed the ball beyond a beleaguered Phil Davis. At halftime Walker tried to change things as he brought on Swannick and Dandy but it was to avail, the Seasoners went three-nil up within minutes of the restart to effectively end the contest when Sherwood slid the ball under Davis from a Kiomya throughball. Carlos pulled one goal back for Real JD following a nice move with Dave Sorensen but within a minute Kiwomya restored the three goal advantage when he thumped a shot into the top-right hand corner to make it 4-1. With the last kick of the game Alex Dandy added to his impressive goals tally (ten in all competitions) when he pulled a goal back but 4-2 it finished.

Stockpot remain eighth despite the win and Real JD have dropped to seventh and Walker was unable to contain his dissappointment: "I like to think I'm generally upbeat and I'm a happy-go-lucky boss but that, out there (pointing at astro-turf) tonight was fucking wank...passing was awful, heads went down after each goal and we didn't apply ourselves, oh my God it was truly, truly awful...I was unlucky though."

On sunday, though, Real JD have the ideal opportunity to get right back into the thick of promotion as they take on league-leaders Sexy Doughnuts who only drew last week. "Yeah, to bounce back with a win there would be ideal because they are top and it would cut their lead to three points and push us up to fourth." Said Walker.

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 23.Slater(sub:13.Swannick) 4.Walker 12.Sorensen 9.Dandy(sub:17.Carlos)

FRIENDLY

JD-Lions 4-2 Stephen Hawking X6

JD Lions were awarded another 5-0 forfeit victory in division four to ease relegation worries and played a friendly instead, which they won 4-2. Carlos opened the scoring after eight minutes with a well taken goal, having already hot the post with a shot from the halfway line at kick-off! Player/Manager James Walker got on the score sheet aswel as Alex Dandy, who scored twice, in a game that was never really in doubt for the Lions.

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 23.Slater(sub:13.Swannick) 4.Walker 12.Sorensen 17.Carlos(sub:9.Dandy)

FRIENDLY

Red Star Well-played 1-5 Manchestarab City

Due to a fixture clash Red Star Well-played had to draft in a last minute goalkeeper to replace player/manager Phil Davis, Ronnie Random went 'in-nets' thanks to stand-in manager Matt Shotton who organized proceedings and even claimed his second goal for the club: "Well, y'knorr I lark to gor up frunt sumtymes and 'av a gorr at shooootin' an' iz paid off cuz 'appen' I goda gorrl." Said the big, Yorkshire Gaffer. However Red Star went on to lose the mis-matched friendly by 1-5 which is respectable as they faced premiership opposition.

13.Random 3.Shotton 5.Patel 6.Connor 25.Dempsey 26.Youseff

FURIOUS PIGEONS RESPONSE TO THE WEEK OF FOOTBALL

1.Mike 'I'm just a regular fan' Ashley at Newcastle, apart from flying from his mansion to St James' Park via helicopter to eat prawn sandwhiches before kick off! You twat! You are not an ordinary fan. The only thing you have in common with real Newcastle fans is that you are fat, ugly and think that Newcastle are a top-four club.

2.Manchestarab City Football Club are on the way to the big time with new owners from Abu Dhabi, good luck to them aswel. It will make football even more inteeresting and crazy than usual.

3.Andorra 0-2 England; so England won but are called 'boring'...at least they won, lets just admit it, England are shit and the players don't give a shit. They can't do right for doing wrong anymore. England fans won't be happy unless we win the world cup, even then The Sun will probably label them 'boring' for running the ball into the corner flag for the last 30 seconds of injury time.

4.Scotland are still shit.

5.Fair play to pretencious bald frog, Fabien Barthez for the creation of his goalkeeper academy that doubles up as a posh scholl in the french alps. Albert Camus life-style theories behind the whole affair.

6.On a personal note the pigeon wishes to express his sadness for the liquidation of NCP Manchester, the works-team that Phil Davis created and masterminded to tournaments in London, Stockport and Amsterdam.

7.I heard that Man City signed Robinho as a result of a typographical error. Apparently administrative staff at the city of manchester city stadium in the city of manchester city centre were left red-faced when finalising a drinks manufacturer sponsorship deal with Ribena: "Oh for fuck's sake, I've told those dyslexic twats a million times...." lamented a 'furious' Mark Hughes.

8.France are shit.

9.Romania are shit so fuck off Muutu, you mole-faced, coke-head, twat.

10.Is James Walker feeling the pressure at JDFC franchise?

PHIL DAVIS ON: 'WEDDINGS AND THE INEVITABLE FALLOUT'

2008-09-03T08:15:00.000+01:00

WEDDING
Having a white wedding? Want a lovely church as a backdrop? But your not religious? That doesn't matter, lying through your teeth to a God that you don't believe in is fine these days, apparently. As you are getting married and it's the happiest day of your life, celebrating your incredibly unique love for an individual don't forget that also you need a brand new Zanussi washing machine, whilst sending out your wedding invitations (which list your demands like some kind of middle-class suburban terrorist) you must stipulate that all gifts bought by your hostages (but maybe you should refer to them as 'guests') should be purchased from John Lewis' don't let them get away with buying anything from a shop or ebay!
I'm getting ahead of myself, the stag-do. How could I forget the stag and hen-do's. Well it used to be trip to your local then to a lap-dancers then to a club and then have a curry and then go home...not anymore; nowadays you must emotionally blackmail a two-dozen strong entourage to accompany you to a european city (less eyewitnesses to grass you up to your fiance) for a yeast-infected fortnight. I know what your thinking. My fiance won't let me go to Tallin, Amsterdam or Prague...well she's going to Falaraki, Ibiza or Kos (you see, both of you are doing the same thing so it doesn't matter) Now that is true love!

Well, the stag and hen-do shoul've taken it out of you and what with being spoilt rotten, you'll need a holiday! All those tight-fisted people that didn't give in to your demands must pay! Remember when I discussed 'emotional blackmail'? Time to employ that tactic again, mainly on bride and grooms parents...they can all chip in for your two week break on a caribean island and by the time you get home John Lewis will have delivered all of the over-priced mod-cons that you don't deserve!

CHILDREN
Okay, if you haven't already got the ankle-biters, now's the time because you are married. So to the blushing bride; you have had two weeks off to have sex with foriegners on your holiday(badly disguised as a hen-do) and a week off for your wedding (even though it lasted a day) but if you have children you can get even more time off. Read on.
So you are having children, okay? Now having a child means that you get to do the whole 'listing your demands' bit again. Yes that's right, a buggy, a pram, nappies, a push-chair, a cot are all expensive but when you get to emotionally blackmail your 'friends' it is all free!
Oh having a baby has it's drawbacks but you can get months off work because of somthing invented by american women in 1987 called 'maternity leave'.
Can you believe it? Your boss can do nothing to stop you, you've already taken the piss but now you get longer tim off and if you suffer from 'post-natal-depression' which you will! (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) you can get even longer off. Your life is basically a holiday that everyone else is paying for!
Repeat this every twelve months until your divorce. Very important to give it three months of going back to work after your brat is spawned to make it appear that you do want to work even though you obviously don't!

DIVORCE
Added bonus, because you don't believe in God won't go to hell when you get divorced...infact you'll get two months compassionate leave from the grim, little office where you pretend to work. Divorce can be very stressful, after all you need to fight for the things that are most important to you-the beutiful, awe-inspiring, joy-bringing, rays-of-sunshine: the John Lewis gifts from your wedding day and of course, your children.
While going through a bitter custordy battle and divorce you will need...yes, you guessed it, time off and not only will you get it, you'll also recieve sympathy and your parents will probably offer to look after the kids while you relax! More compassionate time off work, by now your boss will be in an iron-lung with stress, you'd better book a day off work to go and visit him in hospital to thank him for all the time off that h'es been legally obliged to give you, afterall you don't want to appear ungrateful, do you?

DEATH
Don't worry about your death, like your life; someone else will have to pay for it. Funeral expenses etc...nothing you can do to be honest and what do you care? Your dead! Leave the poor people behind to celebrate that you lived far too long.

Brummie spag-bol

2008-09-02T17:52:00.001+01:00

An onion, red peppers, wild mushrooms, garlic, mince and tagliatelli topped with mature english cheddar with cracked black pepper. It's a piece of piss and tastes better than piss.

JD-LIONS 1-2 AVFG

2008-09-01T08:31:00.001+01:00

Division 2
REAL JD 0-1 MVP (ht 0-0) at the Selly-Oak-Bowl, Birmingham

Real JD's title campaign suffered a dent last night as they were beaten by a hard-working MVP side who took both points to join the promotion race. MVP had goalkeeper Max Stoppingdistance to thank for the win as he saved everything that Real JD threw at him, he twice denied Carlos and Dave Sorensen almost certain goals and Walker had no joy either as the brummie 'keeper miraculously kept a clean-sheet.
It was not long after the restart when Real JD went behind, from a quickly taken corner Robert Roberts turned as he fell back he managed to get a scuffed shot away which beat Davis at his near post to put MVP infront. Both 'keepers made sure that no further scoring took place as they stood up well.

Player/Manager James Walker (never a slave to footballing cliche's) had this to say: "Well, to be fair, at the end of the day, it was a funny-old-game of two-halves where either team could've won it and on the day the better team did, but we'll bounce back because we're taking each game as it comes and we're not under-estimating anybody!"

The result leaves Real JD in fourth spot, five points adrift of leaders Sexy Doughnuts and tied on eleven points with four other clubs as we reach the halfway stage.

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 23.Slater(sub:13:Swannick) 4.Walker 17.Carlos(sub:9.Dandy) 12.Sorensen

Friendly Match
JD LIONS 1-2 AVFG (ht 0-1) at Bournbrook Park

A lacklustre display from the Lions, albeit a friendly match, Richie Summerfield was solid at the back as he was able to consistantly cut off the AVFG supply line, however just before half-time and Ron Radford struck a wonder-goal from a quickly taken free-kick.

Three minutes into the second half and the Lions were level through player/manager James Walker who turned his man and curled a beutiful right-foot shot beyond Flowers for the equalizer.

Once again, Lions defended so high up the park that Davis and Summerfield were left exposed which led to Radford sliding his second goal of the game beyond Davis to give AVFG an, arguably, deserved win.

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 23.Slater(sub:13:Swannick) 4.Walker 17.Carlos(sub:9.Dandy) 12.Sorensen

Divsion 1
DISTURBED 6-1 LA GALAXY CARAMEL (ht 2-0) at the Astro-Arena, Birmingham

Disturbed FC held onto second place with a comprehensive win over bottom club LA Galaxy Caramel who were, yet again tired from playing two games prior to kick-off due to Patel, Bishop, Hartland and Connor being unavailable for selection.

Davis had been busy early on having to dart off his line to thwart attacks, several one-on-one's arose due to his own team's tiredness and the pace of Disturbed front pair of Stuart Ripley and Chris Sutton. Shotton was able to frustrate Ripley early on but the tireless forward eventually forced the opening goal as Dave Sorensen played a kamikaze back-pass beyond his own 'keeper from all of twenty yards. Davis was possibly at fault for that one but he could do nothing as LA Galaxy stood still, not playing to the whistle when they felt that they should have had a free-kick, played went on and Ripley chipped the ball over the advancing Davis. two-nil.

Things went from bad to worse in the second half, Davis parried Ripley's effort but Sutton smashed in the rebound and then Shotton got himself badly caught out on the edge of his area and Sutton fired home his second. Walker managed to pop up and drive in a great shot which beat the 'keeper to reduce the defecit to 1-4, before Wallace and Simpson added a goal each to complete the rout.

1.Davis 2.Summerfiled 3.Shotton 4.Walker 7.Dandy 8.Sorensen

DID YOU KNOW...?

1. Brazil and AC Milan star Ronaldinho's teeth are so deformed that he can officially eat an apple through a letterbox! Dentist's across the world are bemused.

2.In their 146 year history Notts County have never won, lost or drawn with Israeli side Maccabi Tel Aviv as they have never met in any competition or friendly.

3.David Seamans moustache was rated as the third most inspiring image for catholic football fans in Italian newspaper Gazetta Dello Sport. Pope John Paul, now a Saint once said: "It's amazing, I've seen some shit in my time but Seamo's muzzie is somthing else."

4. Spurs' Croatian international Luka Modric's teeth are so deformed that he can actually eat a pineapple through a tennis racket. Dentist's across the world are amused!

5.Peter Schmeichel kept a lucky raw onion in his glove bag in the back of his his goal in 1994 until Steve Bruce threw it away, the Great Dane was subsequently sent off in the following home game against Charlton. The two haven't been civil to one another since.

6.Stephen Fry was offered a professional contract with Crewe Alexandra in 1979 but never signed due to a row over pay.

7.Peter Shilton was born with five kidneys.

8.Charlton Athletic's Marcus Bent once made a citizens arrest in a London park when he aprehended a man who had exposed himself to a thirteen year old girl. David Hannah, then a Charlton season ticket holder, was ordered to serve 100 hours community service.

9.In 1993 prior to England's failed world cup qualifying campaign, as-yet un-heard of ten year old Amy Winehouse voiced her sports opinion on newsround: "Graham Taylor's questionable selection and naiive tactics will not be a match for the more technically gifted Dutch and Norwegian's." She was right but it is alleged that Taylor retorted and said to, terminal arse-licker, Phil Neal: "She'll be on crack by next spring." Taylor did get somthing right as England manager afterall.

10.Les Ferdinand was born without a soul, but he borrowed Mark Bosnich's and never gave it back.

Furious-Pigeon's ten points about the weekends football

1.Fairplay to Dave Sorensen who soldiered on despite a triple-dislocation of the knee and played three matches.

2.Why does no-one mention 'video-replays' anymore? Last season it was the only thing pundits and managers were talking about!

3. Why is Michael Owen captain of Newcastle? I don't think he has the bollocks to shout at his wife and kids.

4.Well done to Portsmouth for having the most well-spoken team in the Premiership with David James, Peter Crouch, Jermain Defoe and Sol Campbell to name but a few, innit guv.

5. Can Kevin Keegan do maths? Wor-Kev hopes that the FA will give Joey 'anger-management' Barton a second chance...surley after you mess up your second chance for the third time, the FA say enough is enough, get your ass in jail!?

6. Middlesboro's Alves is awesome, what a free-kick against Stoke, even Tommy Sorensen applauded!

7. Is Arsene Wenger happier nowadays or is it just wind?

8. Is Paul Scholes retarded? Or does he just enjoy the 'make-up-sex' with Alex Ferguson? Getting double-yellows must be a hobby for ginger.

9. Autoglass have cancelled all employee's leave prior to today's transfer window deadline: "You never know, what might happen to this very important window you just never, ever know." Said Chris Further, CEO of Autoglass UK. It's a mad world.

10. How is Shawn Wright-Phillips only worth £8m? In today's transfer market where average players are bought and sold for silly prices, SWP is worth £20m.

SNACK

2008-08-31T15:57:00.000+01:00

Wensleydale with cranberry and HP-steak sauce on jacobs cream crackers

Furious eating, posh-style. Reclaiming posh food, because it's all fairly cheap-it's not just for footlights.

PHIL DAVIS ON: 'RULES ARE GAY'

2008-08-30T22:20:00.001+01:00

I pay alot of money to live here, well, my girlfriend pays most of it because I'm on minimum wage, but I'm not aloud to smoke!?

You can't stop me from lighting up in the corridoor and nipping out the apartment block door to smoke though, can you? Ha ha, I win...sort of.

PHIL DAVIS HAS A NEW PHONE

2008-08-30T22:08:00.001+01:00

My new phone the "Nokia Wonder-Brick 263ZRK" with wi-fi, bluetusk, surround-sound, sat-nav and the hands-free-kit doubles up as a sniper-rifle that fires paintballs.

This contract is so good that the call centre is based in heaven, when I first set up the network God himself rang me to see how happy I was with the service providings. I can also text Jesus with prayers...for free.

PIGEON-FEED

2008-08-30T18:57:00.000+01:00

Keep e-mailing your opinions, questions and stories, folks. The pigeon will give feedback in due course.

Dear Furious-Pigeon, I work in an office block in Birmingham. Every day overweight people slow me down by using the lift to go up, or down, one floor and I work on the eighth floor. Am I a bad person for hating these useless, lazy, fat, cunts? What can I do about it? Phil, Birmingham

Hmm, difficult one. These people certainly are lazy, it's no wonder that Birmingham is 8.5% obese according to BBC news website. Maybe you could leave an anynomous note inside the lift saying; 'Attention! People who ride the lift one floor, you are fucking lazy. They are called "stairs" use them or I'll confiscate you're cake and pies. No wonder your partner cheats on you-you fuck like blind people fight! Sort your life out.'

Dear Mr. Pigeon, Your colleague Phil Davis nailed his colours to the mast, he is now a Toronto Maple Leaf's fan. What sports teams do you follow? Todd Kowalski, Florida

Well, in basketball my NBA team is Toronto Raptors, I like the Green Bay Packers in the NFL, my favourite team is Pittsburgh Penguins in the NHL and in football I support West Bromwich Albion.

Dear Furious-Pigeon, there is a guy at college that I am obsessed with. He is gorgeous but he doesn't even know I exist. What can I do? Poppy Willis, Kent

Make-up, lots of make-up. Short skirt, really high-heels, bleach your hair, wear fake eyelashes and flirt outrageously with him. Maybe sleep with one of his friends (make sure that you are really filthy in bed) so that he tells this 'gorgeous guy' and then your in. Or you could get a personality? I don't know I'm not an expert. PS, sorry for posting your name next to your question, Poppy, but I get cheap laughs from other people's misfortune.

Dear Furious-Pigeon, I think I ran over your mum the other day with my Fiat Stilo, sorry about that. If it's any consolation-she died screaming like a pig! John Smith, Coventry

Don't apologise, John. Or should I call you Trevor? Seen as though Trevor Collins is your real name! Maybe you should go and have a look in the boot of you Fiat Stilo, which is parked on the drive of your house, 142 Billis Close, Highfield, Coventry...I left you a surprise in there. I hope that you like it, Trevor...it may explain why you haven't seen your mother and father for the past week.

More of the dirty puppet

2008-08-28T20:54:00.003+01:00

Look at his cock.

FURIOUS-EATING

2008-08-25T13:49:00.001+01:00

Omelet: Red onions, green and yellow peppers

JD-LIONS 2-2 DILLIGAF

2008-08-25T11:35:00.001+01:00

JD LIONS 2-2 DILLIGAF (Division 4)
at the Stade De Brum, Birmingham

The JD Lions losing streak is finally over following a well deserved point against tough-opposition Dilligaf. Carlos was again on the scoresheet as he bagged a brace to earn the Lions a vital point. Carlos' first goal owed much to his own ingenuity as, with his back to goal, he fired in a wicked back-heel that gave Marcus Trescothick in goal, no chance. Walker and Summerfield were marshalling Lions defence well again and protected the goal well, however Walker was unlucky when a hopeful shot from Paul Warhurst deflected off him, wrong-footing Davis who palmed the ball into his own net like a spastic. 1-1. Minutes later and Dilligaf were infront as Warhurst played a lovely one-two and poked the ball past Davis as the flat-footed defence looked on. Dilligaf had turned it around just before halftime and somehow they lead 2-1.

JD Lions pushed forward in search of an equaliser that looked ever likelybut Trescothick was putting up a barrier in goal as he twice denied Carlos with fantastic reaction saves, however Carlos had the last laugh as he took his goal tally for the season to four as he bullied and bashed his way into scoring a goal to level the contest at two-apiece. That's the way it finished. The draw means that Lions remain fourth from bottom and several points adrift behind AVFG, it's going to be a long, hard, slog if the Lions are going to survive relegation.

1.Davis 2.Summerfield(sub:Slater) 4.Walker 23.Slater 13.Sorensen 17.Carlos(sub:9.Dandy)

REAL JD 6-4 ALLSTARS (friendly)
at the Astro-Arena, Birmingham

Real JD were awarded a 5-0 forfeit victory for their opponents failure to appear and proceded to play one of the most entertaining friendlies of all time.
Carlos opened up the scoring yet again as he twisted and turned majestically like a gigantic ballarina and hit a vicious shot into the bottom corner, Real JD played some attractive football and looked confident and composed as they played the ball in-to-feet and with some slick passing went three goals up with Alex Dandy scoring for the seventh time this season (leading goalscorer) and Dave Swannick scoring his first and second of the campaign-the second was a delighfully well taken goal with a 'Michael Thomas for Arsenal last kick of the season vs Liverpool "Its up for grabs now..." style goal with the wierd seal-flip celebration'! Which I enjoyed immensely. Steve Harris who had been rock-solid all night had a sudden rush of blood to the head as he squared the ball to the opposing forward Stuart Ripley who curled it past Davis to reduce the arrears, 1-4.
No matter as Carlos frightend an Allstars defender out of the way and unleashed, yet another, fierce drive past the 'keeper.

This is where the game turned bizarre, in a five minute spell JD 'keeper Phil Davis was in a turkey shoot and was making save after save as his defenders seeme to abandon hope, despite being three goals infront, Davis wilted slightly and all of a sudden it was 3-5. Parity was restored for Real JD, however as Dave Sorensen was put through by Dandy and he made no mistake, scoring his sixth goal of the season to make it 6-3. The game wasn't over yet however as Ripley scored his second to reduce the defecit to two goals, 6-4 it finished.

The failure of JD's opponents to appear, yet again, resulted in a 5-0 forfeit victory for JD who are up to third in the league to the delight of player/manager James Walker: "We've been so much better than a month ago, the lads have got stuck in and turned 'would-be-defeats' into draws and 'would-be-draws' into wins which is why we've crept up the table and no-one seems to have noticed, which is great for us because we're an unknown force. People will keep underestimating us slightly and that doesn't bother me."

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 4.Walker(13.Swannick) 24.Harris(sub:23.Slater) 17.Carlos(sub:9.Dandy) 12.Sorensen

BARTLEY HARRIERS 3-0 LA GALAXY CARAMEL (Division 1)
at the city of Birmingham Stadium, Birmingham
An absolutely exhausted squad took on FC Walrus, some of whom had played two or three games in a row before kick off so it was no surprise as FC Walrus ran away with the points. The Walrus were infront as early as the third minute when Savo Milosovic's long-range 'daisy-cutter' squeezed into Davis' far-post, a minute later and Dean Saunders fired in an exocet from distance that made it two-nil and that's the way it stayed until halftime.

Throughout the second period Red Star were merely keeping FC Walrus at bay and allowing them only to shoot from distance, Davis made two decent saves to deny Milosovic but he couldn't prevent Saunders from getting his second of the game late on, as he ghosted in down the right channel and lifted the ball over the advancing Red Star 'keeper. three-nil and game over. The result leaves Galaxy well adrift at the bottom and desperately needing some points.

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 3.Shotton(sub:11.Slater) 4.Walker 8.Sorensen 7.Dandy

FC DISASTA 0-0 MAYPOLE HEROES (Division 3)
People's Republic of Birmingrad, Stadion, CCCP

FC Disasta and Maypole continue to be locked in a promotion battle as they sit in second and third place respectively following a stalemate at the Communist stadium on sunday evening.

JD Lions 'keeper Phil Davis and LA Galaxy right-back Mat Shotton were both sent out on-loan and performed very well in earning the north Birmingham side a point in a tepid, goaless draw. Shotton almost made a name for himself as he could and should have scored his second of the season when he latched onto a throughball from Smith but just couldn't get a good enough contact to break the deadlock.

13.Davis 22.Shotton 2.Smith 3.Smith 4.Smith 5.Smith

THE PIGEONS REACTION TO THE WEEKEND'S FOOTBALL
Ten quick-fire opinions from the editor-in-chief
1.If it wasn't for Shay Given-Newcastle would be in division two by now and they would probably still be going on about how they are one of the biggest clubs in the country. Fuck off and eat some coal, Geordies.
2.Arsenal are a bit rubbish now.
3.Mark Noble of West Ham is a div. He's toilet, dirty and naiive. How can he can argue with Howard Webb and then walk off shaking his head following his red-card at the city of Manchester stadium in Manchester where Manchester City play.
4.Carlos is on-form scoring four goals at the birmingham leisure-leagues and is not going to sign for Real Madrid.
5.Do not underestimate the promoted championship sides. Stoke and Hull have already exceeded the critics expections.
6.Michael Owen is still good, who'd've thought it? Just keep him fit and maybe England will stop being gash. 7.Davis James had an erratic week, just when we thought he was ace, can he get back on track? The Pigeon says 'yes'.
8.Jonathon Pearce needs to be gotten rid of. If the BBC took controversially sexist steps to remove that female commentator from 'Match of the day' last season then Pearce,the self-styled rhyming, punning, twat should be staring into a P45 by wednesday.
9.Birmingham City's promotion campaign is still going strong.
10.Dave Swannick scored two great goals for JD Lions, wish I'd put a tenner on that.

PHIL DAVIS ON: 'CHOOSING AN NHL TEAM'

2008-08-24T10:46:00.000+01:00

Following discussions with various people about my interest in the NHL (national hockey league) I have been asked time and time again which team that I 'support' and have never had an answer. In all honesty I enjoy watching games and usually pick four teams once the playoffs start, based on what I have seen in the regular season and who their goalies are. I am more of a fan of goaltenders than actual teams which, I appreciate, is a little strange. However I feel that the time has come to nail my colours to the mast and must choose a team to follow.

I have spen the past weeks trawling NHL.com, NHL goalies archive and various other websites in search of pro's and con's to help me make a decision.

Detroit Redwings-too obvious;it's like South-Africans supporting Man Utd same as New Jersey Devils. Phoenix Coyotes; you can't have a hockey team in the desert, it's retarded. Dallas Stars, once again hot weather and ice-it makes no historical or cultural sense and hockey is built on history and culture. New York Islanders; well if you have to support a team from New York it has to be Buffalo Sabres or Rangers but I hate Sabres goalie Ryan Miller because he thinks he's Irish (even though his grandfather was born in America) and I know alot of Rangers fans so there is no point-I want some rivalry. Chicago Blackhawks were my first ever team that I followed because I loved Ed Belfour, but they are hardly ever on TV so I cannot watch them.

Basically teams from the west are a no-go because the scheduling of games for TV dictates that I would have to stay up alot later than I already have to, to watch games, plus channel five seems to just show eastern conference teams. Colorado Avalanche, I used to have an Av's jersey because I liked Patrick Roy but for some reason I hate them now. San Jose Sharks, LA Kings, Florida Panthers, Tampa Bay Lightning-again hot towns should not have hockey teams. I like Minnesota Wild but they are Atlanta Thrashers, Carolina Hurricains, Columbus Blue Jackets, Nashville Predators and Anaheim Ducks all business money-making creations in towns with no hockey history. Washington Capitals-gun-crime and they are rubbish.

I do like the Edmonton Oilers for their old-skool history and approach to hockey and Calgary Flames because of Miika Kiprussof, Boston Bruins I very much like but hate their players and Ottowa Senators I used to like when they had Hasek but now Ray Emery pisses me off, I hate him and enjoyed very much watching him mentally crumble against the Ducks in the Stanley Cup finals. Montreal Canadiens are the Newcastle United of the NHL steeped in history and Canadiens have actually won stuff unlike Newcastle but they are french so I can't support them. Vancouver Cannucks are good and I love Luongo and Kirk McLean was an amazing 'stand-up' goalie but they are difficult to watch being a western conference team. St Louis Blues I just don't know anything about them and that is fine, boring. Philadelphia Flyers are entertaining to watch and their seventies Broad Street Bullies are YouTube heaven to watch and I love Ron Hextall-we need someone like him back in hockey but I just can't bring myself to support them. I love Pittsburgh Penguins and last season broke my heart when Fleury and Crosby were denied a Stanley Cup, but since they traded my hero Ty Conklin I can't forgive them.

Based on several factors I have decided that the Toronto Maple Leafs are my team; the factor's were: the history of the team and success, I like Vesa Toskala and they have brought back Curtis Joseph at 41 years old to hopefully win a Stanley Cup. Mats Sundin is awesome to watch and Kaberle is a genius. I love the jersey, that seems shallow but some of the teams that I like is because the uniforms are great, the big blue leaf on a white jersey is ace. They used to have Felix Potvin who is another of my early memory heroes of hockey. The Stadium is amazing and the atmosphere always seems incredible, they are a hungry team and each season I think that they may do well and because they have not done anything for a while-maybe it is their time. I have always harboured dreams of visiting Toronto and hope to go to watch a game there one day and visit the Hockey Museum.

WRONG-GLOVE

2008-08-24T10:32:00.001+01:00

Nasty mitten

FILTHY BERLIN PUPPET

2008-08-24T10:29:00.001+01:00

This puppet was purchased for me by my good friend and legal attorney; Mark Parfitt, while we were on holiday in Berlin, we met the maker of this puppet at the Berlin sunday-market and she was a lovely old woman who just so happend to have a penchant for creating bizarre and freakish puppets with cocks. Look closely and it will be seen that this creation has a pink, flacid penis poking through its zip. Ace.

FURIOUS-EATING

2008-08-18T20:21:00.001+01:00

Rare rump steak with fried red onion, mushrooms and garlic, served with butter-grilled asparagus, creamy mashed potato and peppercorn sauce-garnished with thyme.

JD-LIONS 1-3 SPORTING RANDOM

2008-08-18T17:11:00.001+01:00

Division 2
Real JD 3-2 Winalot Penguins
at the university of birmingham stadion

Real JD's promotion hopes were given a huge boost on sunday night as they overcame the odds to win a thrilling game in injury time thanks to a winning goal from top-scorer Alex Dandy. Third placed Winalot Penguins had only lost once going into the contest so it was a surprise when Real JD took th lead from Richie Summerfield's long thrown-in which found Dave Sorensen who beat Pedro at his near post to put the underdogs one-nil up. The Penguins gradually crept into the game and moved the ball well, Mark Hughes was running things for Penguins and he showed his skills when unleashed a fierce 18 yarder which flew past Davis and in off the angle of post and bar. One-one. Just before the break and up popped Dave Sorensen again to take his tally for the season to eight goals when he converted a penalty, Pedro was the culprit again with his poor decision making. Two-one at halftime.

Real JD held on for long periods of the second half and had Steve Harris and Summerfield to thank for some important interceptions and strong tackling which looked like handing JD the win, until, with just two minutes remaining Harris was penalised on the edge of the box and Hughes again converted. It was looking like de-ja-vous for JD who threw away a 2-1 victory last week with a carbon-copy goal to miss out on the win. Davis was called into action with his only real save of the match in the last minute as he tipped Hughes 'would-be-hat-trick' goal away to safety, from the resulting corner Steve Harris played a measured throughball to 'super-sub' Alex Dandy who ran half of the length of the pitch and beat Pedro with the last kick of the game to win it 3-2 for Real JD. The win pushes JD up to third in the league and promotion is a real possibility if they continue to play in this spirit.

1.Davis 2.Summerfield(sub:24.Slater) 4.Walker 23.Harris 17.Carlos(sub:10.Dandy) 6.Sorensen

Division 4
JD Lions 1-3 Sporting Random
Lions find themselves fourth from bottom following a dismal display against third-placed Sporting Random. Alex Dandy put the Lions infront with a fantastic, 15 yard strike early on only for it to be cancelled out on the stroke of halftime by Matt Kinsella.

Things went from bad to worse in the second half for Lions who looked disorganised and following a great block from Davis, the rebound was slid in, 2-1. Moments later and Steve Harris was unfortunate as he intercepted what would have been a certain goal, only for Kinsella to latch onto it an beat a beleaguered Davis to complete his hat-trick. Lions never recovered and are slipping closer into the danger zone.

Dawn and Columbo

2008-08-14T23:38:00.001+01:00

Dawn+an+columbo

CITY OF NEWMAN STADIUM NEWS

2008-08-12T16:48:00.000+01:00

Premiership
RED STAR WELL-PLAYED 1
KILLER ANTS 5
at The City Of Newman Stadium
It was too little, too late for the Killer Ants who thrashed Red Star Well-played on tuesday night, My Garden Shed FC have sewn up the premiership title. The scoreline did not really reflect the story, Red Star were worth more than a four-goal drubbing. At halftime Walker and Summerfield had limited Killer Ants chances and anything that did get through was stopped by Davis, who did produce a wonder double-save to keep Red Star in touching distance just before the break while they were 0-1 down. After halftime and Killer Ants scored three goals in three minutes as Robbie Fowler struck twice while the Red Star defence were napping before Stuart Ripley curled a 20 yard strike into the top corner to make it four-nil. Red Star had imploded.
James Walker reduced the arrears with a great solo strike but in the final minute, Davis was beaten at his near post again. 5-1.

Division One
COFTON CELTIC 4
LA GALAXY CARAMEL 0
at The 'New-Camp' Stadium
Cofton Celtic's hopes of an unlikely division one championship title are still alive having beaten La Galay Caramel by four goals at the New Camp on tuesday. However they will need to overturn a four-goal difference in beating East Compton Eagles and hope that Kalamazoo do them a favour and beat KFC. Cofton were fortunate in a game that LA Galaxy Caramel dominated for large spells without creating much infront of goal, LA had more posessiona nd were enraged by referee Uriah Pennie's decision to play-on when James Walker was tripped on the cusp of the penalty area. Walker was surely about to score his first goal for the club when he was brought down, but the controversial official waved away appeals and Cofton Celtic counter-attacked and with Galaxy at 6's and 7's, Cofton scored their second goal to effectively end the contest. Following that strike heads went down and Cofton added two more. It changes nothing for the complexion of the table as far as Galaxy are concerned as they can only end in mid-table.

PIGEON-FEED

2008-08-10T22:16:00.000+01:00

The furious-pigeon answers your questions.

Dear furious pigeon, Who do you think would win an every-man-for-himself-fight between Kim Jong-Il, Saddam Hussain, Adolf Hitler and Idi Amin? Mark Parfitt, Liverpool

Well, I'm going on these people's reputations at the height of their infamy and the important initail factor is height, Adolf Hitler stood at 5'9'' and had a badly damaged shoulder. Kim Jong-Il is only 5'3'', Saddam Hussain was a burly six-footer and Idi Amin was a very well-built chap standing at 6'4''. North Korea's Kim Jong-Il would fall by the wayside early having been the victim of ganging-up by the other three, whilst Hitler was distracted Amin and Saddam (being like-minded thinking, dictator, muslim leaders) would two's up and leather Hitler but not kill him, as Amin was well-known for his bizarre affection or the german Nazi leader. This would insense Saddam and the two would scrap out a bloody and dirty street-fight culminating in Idi Amin beating the Iraqi despot to death (making sure with some bare-handed strangulation) Idi Amin, the winner.

Dear Furious Pigeon, Who would win between the 1986 world cup Brazil team and the 1974 world cup Holland team, with today's rules in a FIFA knockout match ie; world cup quarter, semi or final and who from football history would you like to referee it? Bernie Davis, Birmingham

Piere Luigi Collina would have to ref the game which would surely be a classic, the dutch would go behind early to a Careca goal, set up by Josimar and would hold on until half-time. In the second half Cruyff would turn the screw and carve out a chance for Neeskens to equalise. Both teams would hit the post and bar and the game drifts to extra-time. With the two powerhouse's of their time inseparable the game must be decided by penalty kicks. Brail win 5-3 having seen Neeskens and Rensenbrink miss their spotkicks.

Who win in a fist-fight between John McLane and Joe Hallenback (The Last Boy Scout)? Steve McLaren, Middlesboro

Following an intense puch out, interspersed with back-and-forth, quip-tastic dialogue, the two would wear eachother out and ultimately sit side by side. After a moment they would shake hands and nod a gentlemans agreement through mutual respect. McLane would reveal the squashed foil-pack Marlboro's and they light up and spontaneous begin laughing as they smoke away, contemplating how funny that they should become friends through beating eachother up.

Dear Furious Pigeon, what did you want to be when you grew up? Liam Watkins, Sunderland

I wanted to be Optomus Prime. But it's who you know, not what you know.

Dear Furious Pigeon, who would win between a black rhino and a hippopotomus? Brad Van-Der-Schmidt, Johannasberg

Hippo's are pretty mean and violent, but black rhino's have the horn that could be the decider, possibly a massive puncture to the hippo's fat neck and he'd just bleed to death. I would imagine that both beasts would eventually die as a result of this fight but the actual winner (the one to die last) would the black rhino. And rightly so, hippo's are fat idiots.

Dear Furious Pigeon, what is your greatest achievement? Ed Bootle, Bootle

There was a cat that was after my family, he came up to the nest one day giving it the big 'un so we had a scrap and I threw him off the roof and into the next-door neighbour back-garden-their pet american pit-bull ripped it's fucking head off but I'm sure he was already dead.

Eleven tabs, part two

2008-08-10T12:09:00.001+01:00

I really Needed a fag

Eleven tabs, part one

2008-08-10T12:07:00.001+01:00

Smoke

WEOLY WANDERERS 8-2 JD-LIONS

2008-08-10T10:40:00.001+01:00

DIVISION TWO

Grovesy's Giants FC 2-2 Real-JD

Swannick fed a measured throughball to Alex Dandy who made no mistake as he beat Giants 'keeper Gary Walsh with a vicious drive to put the Lions 1-0 up. It was Dandy's sixth goal of the season so far.
Just before halftime Giants found an equaliser as slack defending allowed Mark Robbins a yard of space which was all that he needed to get past Summerfield and beat Phil Davis at his near-post, 1-1.

With ten minutes remaining Richie Summerfield played an incisive throughball to Carlos who shook off the attention of Shaun Teale and stabbed the ball into the back of the Giants net to restore the Lions lead.
At 2-1 up, the result would have been good enough to put Real JD up to joint second in the league, however it was not to be and with just thirty seconds left on the clock Paul Warhurst drilled in a twelve-yard free-kick past Davis who didn't even move. 2-2 the final score, Grovesy's Giants stay second and JD remain fifth in division two.

DIVISION FOUR
Weoly Wanderers 8(EIGHT)-2 JD Lions
Table toppers Weoly Wanderers absolutely demolished JD Lions in an eight-goal demolition that has worsend the clubs chances of surviving relegation. Inside four minutes Weoly Wanderers, incredibly, were three-nil infront, Davis got his hand to all three but Gareth Barry and Steve Lomas had their shooting boots on. A defensive mix-up along Lomas in to drill home his second past a beleaguered Davis, whose good recent form deserted him and his stunned team-mates around him could only look on in horror.
Carlos popped up to reduce the arrears when he flicked the ball beyond the on-rushing Hans Segers, it was Carlos' third goal of the season. Moments later and Barry had scored his hat-trick as he whipped the ball into the bottom right-hand corner. Halftime Weoly Wanderers had, an unasailable, 5-1 lead.

It did not get much better in the second-half as Barry added to his tally with another quickly taken free-kick and his fifth goal was sensational as he turned inside Slater and pushed the ball past Steve Harris and excecuted the finish past Davis with superb accuracy to make it 7-1. Davis' poor distribution led to the eighth and final goal for rampant Wanderers, following a clearance that was intercepted by the irresistable Barry and his shot was saved by the hapless 'keeper only for the rebound to stabbed in by Craig Hignett. 8-1.
Paul Slater scored a terrific goal from a Dave Swannick corner in the final minute for the Lions, but it would sarcastic to it a 'consolation'. Weoly Wanderers remain unbeaten at the top of the league following this performance which leaves JD Lions precariously placed; fifth from bottom.

PHIL DAVIS ON: 'NEW GLOVES'

2008-08-09T17:35:00.000+01:00

Until my birthday which is only a month away I've had to compromise on the Nike total ninety confidence gloves and settle for the Nike Classic ninety gloves, I do like these though. Despite giving the appearance of a rapist, they fit well and are a decent cut. In referance to my previous glove-blog-post where I slandered the sweatshop massive, I retract. This pair of gloves were clearly made by a highly motivated six year old and were well worth the £12.49 that I paid for them or the 0.23yen that the worker recieved that week. Thanks Nike, keep that horse-whip cracking-it's the only language that they understand, apart from chinese.

PIGEON-FEED

2008-08-08T18:35:00.001+01:00

Furious Pigeon; now Big in Japan.
Dear Furious Pigeon, what is the 'relationship' between you and Phil Davis? You mention him more than anyone else in your match reports as if he's special to you. Barney Timmins, Ipswich
What kind of name is 'Barney'? Being from Suffolk I am imagine that you have a special 'relationship' with your sister that the authorities don't know about; so don't try to make out that I'm a gay. Go and plough a field, you farmyard-fuck. Phil Davis is a writer for the furious-pigeon blog, he reports on himself because he's an arrogant and conceited, little, twat, like you.

Dear Furious Pigeon, You seem like you've been around the block a few times, I've got a kilo of bolivian cocaine. How do I cut it? Darren Williams, Highbury
I've forwarded your e-mail address onto the police, Darren, you tit. Don't do drugs, kids.

Dear Furious Pigeon, me and my uni friends have a debate and decided that only you cn be the decider because you're a legend. Who would win out of a fight between a silverback gorilla and a black bear? Brett Roberts, Barnsley
Finally an interesting question. Well, both are fully in charge of their terrortory so it would depend who was at 'home' but on neutral ground I think the black bear with his superior reach, including vicious claws, and awesome strength would kill a silverback outright. I don't mean to 'diss' the silverback but respect the bear.

Dear Pigeon, how do you mate? Is it doggy-style or what? Kelly Willis, Shrewsbury
No, watch the discovery channel, Kelly. It's hard to explain. I have been on the 'recieving-end' of doggy-style but not through choice, can't say that I enjoyed it. I prefer blowjobs or tit-wanks. Thanks for bringing back painful memories, Kelly.

Dear Furious Pigeon, I'm having the girl of my dreams over for dinner in two weeks, what do I cook? What wine do I buy? Mike Smith,
Pinot grigot is a nice white wine. If she prefers red wine, get Fitou chateau de la grange 2004 (don't be put off by the name; it's only £4.95 per bottle so get two. If I want to spoil my wife I cook grilled asparagus (put a bit of butter on it while it grills), a 10oz fillet steak (do it justice and cook it rare or blue though, mate, that's what steak is for), creamy mashed potato (made with butter) with peppercorn sauce. Seriously, she won't leave your cock alone after that.

LA GALAXY CARAMEL NEWS

2008-08-08T17:55:00.001+01:00

KFC 2-0 LA Galaxy Caramel

KFC have almost certainly sewn up the division one title and promotion following their two-nil victory over LA Galaxy Caramel last night in awful conditions.
Heavy rain didn't dampen the champions-elect spirit however and they burst out of the traps determined to gain both points. Abdul (pictured) was the key-man as he tore the Caramel defence apart time and time again, it was only thanks to veteran 'keeper, player/manager, physio, club secretary, treasurer and media-spokesman Phil Davis that the half ended 0-0. The little, brummie stopper made some excellent saves (even if he doesn't mind saying so himself) to frustrate the turkish looking side.

Davis was busy 'between-the-sticks' but his biggest headache of the night was selection, as he had a squad of eleven and only allowed to use three subs in addition to the starting six, team-captain Summerfield had to help out with the difficult decision of omitting Bhavesh Patel and Simon Hartland from the squad. Patel sensationally stormed off (walked away) having reputidly been fuming with the decision (it was raining so he went home) having verbally abused his manager: "He just said he couldn't be bothered hanging around, there's no hard-feeling-it was awful weather and he went."

At nil-nil LA Galaxy Caramel were hanging on until just after the break when they were able to staedy the ship, made a couple of substitutions and knocked the ball around nicely and kept posession well, Dave Sorensen almost gave the caramel an unlikely lead when he found himself in one-on-one with Rustu but the 'keeper blocked the effort. From the following corner Nihat almost put through his own goal but the ball came, agonisingly, back off the crossbar.

That seemed to be the turning point for KFC who counter-attacked and should have scored when Abdul stretched to a low cross-shot which cannoned off Davis' right-hand post and out to Hakan who swept the ball into the far corner. One-nil. A couple of minutes later and it was all over when Shotton's risky ball on the edge of the 'D' was miscontrolled by Dave Connor and Abdul, finally, got the goal he'd been working for as he sidestepped the wrong-footed Connor and dummied Davis and flicked the ball into the empty net. Two-nil, game over.

1.Davis 2.Summerfield(sub:4.Walker) 3.Shotton(sub:22.Bishop) 6.Connor 13.Dandy(sub:14.Slater) 17.Sorensen

Phil Davis, not just a tough-guy

2008-08-07T08:06:00.001+01:00

PIGEON-FEED

2008-08-05T21:58:00.000+01:00

Welcome to a new and regular feature of the blog; 'PIGEON-FEED'. Where our editor-in-chief responds to emails from you, the public.

Dear Furious-Pigeon, are you religious? If you are what religion do you follow?
Rabbi Cohen, Colwyn Bay
I'm afraid that I am not religious at all, my only forray into the world of religion was in 1997 when Pope John Paul II (now saint paul) declined an interview with me.(pictured right)

Dear Pigeon, I'm am a aspiring journalist, what advice would you give me to help me fullfill my dream?
Callum Smith, Reading
Give it up, fella. You're spelling and grammar are like Peter Beardsley's face; ugly and good for fuck all!

Dear Furious Pigeon, why do you shit on someone's car as soon as they've finished washing it?
Marie Taylor, Stoke-On-Trent
Because it's fucking funny.

Dear Furious Pigeon, Why do you never see baby pigeons?
Carl Wallace, Edinburgh
I do see baby pigeons, fella. I don't know why people are so interested, though. Baby people are like full grown people; they are just a smaller version but not as interesting.

Dear Mr Pigeon (or can I call you furious?) You're website is very football orientated. Do you or have you ever played football, if so in what capacity?
Gary McDonald, Manchester
Never played football, Gary, I'm a fucking pigeon, are you retarded?

Dear Furious Pigeon, who killed JFK?
Stephanie Dixon, Bambridge
Lee Harvey Oswald.

Dear Furious Pigeon, how do you feel about CCTV camera's and the 1984-isation of modern-day Britain?
Gavin Simmonds, Bristol
CCTV camera's. I like them, until they move and point at scumbags which means that I have to hover up and find another perch. As for the '1984-isation of Britain'- just get over it, fella, if you're not breaking the law don't fear the camera's. There is no conspiracy.

Vasily Dasayev, Farewell

2008-08-05T19:44:00.001+01:00

JD-LONS 5-0 INTERNATIONAL ALLSTARS

2008-08-03T21:20:00.002+01:00

FRIENDLY
Real JD 2-2 FC Rico
Thoroughly entertaining friendly match, which was played in a gentlemanly fashion, the yellow and black (adidas) vs red spain tops (adidas) an end-to-end warm-up. Iwan Roberts opened the scoring with a long-range drive that beat Davis all-ends-up however Carlos netted his first goal of the season when he finished off some lovely approach play by Summerfield and Walker with a toe-poke past Steve Ogrizovic. Dave Sorensen scored the second goal against FC Rico to put Real 2-1 infront, however a defensive mix-up lead to the equaliser with five minutes left.
1.Davis 2.Summerfield 13.Swannick 4.Walker 12.Sorensen(sub:9.Dandy)17.Carlos(sub:24.Harris)
FRIENDLY
Real JD 5-0 International Allstars
This was a hotly contested affair which referee Uriah Pennie was in danger of abandoning when both sets of players and one of the International Allstars players' girlfriends clashed late on! There really was nothing friendly about this encounter, the result was academic after eight minutes;by which point JD Lions were two goals up James Walkers twenty-yard drive beat Nigel Spink who was to have a torrid evening.

Dave Sorensen scored and then Alex Dandy added to his tally for the season, then Sorensen scored a penalty to make it four-nil. The Allstars lost their discipline and the usually placid Dave Swannick, who'd played very well, lost his cool with Steve Morrow and the two squared up, both sets of players (barr the 'keepers) clashed and when Pennie managed to restore order Dandy had asked for the match to be abandoned, Dave Sorensen was arguably the only man on the pitch who was glad it continued as he completed his hat-trick with a near-post tap-in to make it 5-0, Lions best result of the season.
1.Davis 2.Summerfield 13.Swannick 4.Walker(sub:24.Harris) 9.Dandy(sub:17.Carlos) 12.Sorensen

LEAGUE-NEWS
Due to no oppostion (again) JD Lions and Real JD were awarded 5-0 victories. The results leave JD Lions in eighth place in division four and Real JD in fifth place in division two.

PHIL DAVIS ON:Nike total90 confidence gloves

2008-08-02T12:29:00.000+01:00

The concept of this glove gives me a stiffy.

Possibly the most sensational goalkeeper product ever, I used to bad-mouth Nike because the cheaper products fall apart when used on astro-turf, those sweatshop kids are shit, sack them all!

But the Nike total ninety confidence has a three-way adjustable strap, one on the wrist as normal and a thinner one at the base of the hand and then the clever bit-the yellow strip enables you to pull the glove down onto your hand snuggly and velcro's at the base of the hand so that you can completely customise the fit. The yellow strip also acts as a 'punch-platform' when the 'keeper makes a fist. The latex palm extends all the way down the wrist strap and is padded, there are grooves in the palm where natural creases in your joints are to get a better grip and feel. The palm also features air-vent holes which allows cool air into the glove and the backhand holes allows heat to escape giving the 'keeper a consistantly comfortable temperature of the hands. Whoever concieved this idea should be given the rest of the year off. My apologies to Puma but I am getting a pair of these gloves as soon as I get paid.

Volkan Demirel wore these in euro 2008 and I like him, anyone who has the balls to knock-out a 6'5'' czech skin-head gets full respect (even though he wasn't wearing these when he did it)

PHIL DAVIS ON: 'TEENAGERS'

2008-07-30T19:03:00.000+01:00

"THE KIDS ARE OUT OF CONTROL!"

I am not a Daily Reader, neither (for legal reasons) is the furious Pigeon, but I have to express my dislike of 'the youth of today'. I like to think that I am a liberal figure, laid-back and politcial correctness bothers me but what the fuck are teenagers all about? Are they actually serious listening to that cac, tinny, 200bpm, pill-head/garage, coloquially vague music on their phones?! I suppose it does, at least, stop them talking for a while but when they do what the fuck are they on about? I just recently got off the bus having had to listen to a small group, along with their music, and felt old and sensible. At one point a young man walking along the pavement glanced up as the bus drove past him and (I'll call him the leader) lurched himself at the window, bumping his head in the process and hissed: "fuck are you lookin' at!?" Notice how he excluded the traditional "What the..." to save time on a threat that the pedestrian couldn't hear anyway. I presume that it was for the benefit of his friends and other commuters. They all wore urban camoflauge combat fatigues and black leather gloves, on a hot day like this there is only one type of person who wears these clothes; criminals. Either to avoid fingerprints or any other form of DNA give-away. Dressing the same as one another makes recognition by law enforcement officials and/or witnesses/victims difficult and prosecution even more so.

NOTHING HAS CHANGED

I am not saying, like most tabloids currently are, that teenagers are worse than ever because they are not, modern crime is easier to report on and the media flow of criminality is fast and readily available in many varieties. Visit any news website, YouTube or watch one of the numerous crime documentaries and you would be forgiven for believing that crime was invented in 1998. It wasn't, I looked it up on the internet. The intake of drinks and drugs has possibly has increased but the youth of today would do somthing sober, fighting whilst drunk is not a new thing and cocaine is more popular and could have an effect but people are the ones who commit crime; they are stupid, fucking idiots. There have always been stupid, fucking idiots and there always will be.

DON'T BLAME THE MEDIA

I recently heard that there was uproar over the new Batman film (Dark Knight) due to the Jokers monstrous use of a knife, certain tabloids blamed the film for the recent spate of violent knife crimes in London (because knife-crime elsewhere doesn't happen, apparently) which is strange because this year is seven months old and the film was released last week!? The news has often blamed film and TV for societies short-fallings. I jut wonder what film or TV programme Jack the Ripper watched that made him commit so many horrific murders with his knife? Answers on a postcard...

LA GALAXY CARAMEL

2008-07-29T18:24:00.000+01:00

Birmingham University Division One, thursday 31st July 2008

LA Galaxy Caramel 1-1 The Lads FC
Galaxy took the lead after five minutes with a sweet finish following a smooth build up; Slater touched it to Connor whose crossfield ball found Summerfield and when he squared it to Shotton and the yorkshireman made no mistake as he tapped it away.

Shotton's evening could have been alot different as far as emotions are concerned; only a few minutes before his goal he almost put through his own net when he closed down Franny Jeffers only to play a hazardous backpass wide of his flat-footed 'keeper, luckily that 'keeper was Phil Davis (ahem) who pounced on the ball like a fat woman on a mars bar. The relieved Yorkshireman Mat Shotton spoke to Furious-Pigeon about the game: "Aye, 'appen that coulda' bin as tragic as a closed coal-mine!" (I'm only messing,Mat)

Slater, Shotton and particularly Richie Summerfield were rock solid at the back to protect Galaxy lead until halftime, Jeffers and Guy Whittingham didn't have a look in. Halftime 1-0 to the Galaxy.

In the second period Luke Chadwick began carving out more opportunities but The Lads could not find a way through, the best chance fell to Dalian Atkinson but his tame effort effort was easily stopped by Davis. Paul Slater was everywhere and he and super-sub Bhavesh Patel were closing down The Lads, who began to turn the screw. There were only three minutes left when Luke Chadwick slid the ball to Dalian Atkinson whose low, angled drive found the inside of Galaxy's far-post, The Lads went crazy and the Galaxy were gutted, denied a point in their league debut but a deserved point was an impressive start to their history.

Allbeit highly unrealistic the result means that officially Galaxy cannot win the league now: "Devestated, absolutely devestated, the lads have worked hard all evening to make the impossible-possible but that's football. Only joking, I didn't realise that until you told me, well we don't know where we're going to be playing in a month's time, you know, maybe a different league, we'll have to wait and see. Just got to praise each and every one of these lads who've worked very hard tonight in a muggy atmosphere and almost earned two unlikely points, I'm happy with a draw, definately."
1.Davis 2.Summerfield(c) 3.Shotton(sub:5.Patel) 6.Connor 14.Slater 15.Dandy

LA-GALAXY-CARAMEL-FC-OFFICIAL-SQUAD: 1.Phil Davis 2.Richie Summerfield(c) 3.Mat Shotton 4.James Walker 5.Bhavesh Patel 6.Dave Connor 12.Billy Bishop 13.Dave Sorensen 14.Paul Slater 15.Alex Dandy 16.Simon Hartland

KINGS NORTON 3-1 JD-LIONS

2008-07-29T18:00:00.001+01:00

DIVISION FOUR
Kings Norton Allstars 3-1 JD-Lions
JD-Lions find themselves languishing a few places above the relegation zone following their most recent defeat to Kings Norton.
Lions had Steve Harris sent off at the start of the second-half for swearing at official Uriah Pennie which, arguably, turned the game in Kings Norton's favour. Alex Dandy set up Dave Sorensen to give the Lions the lead against the run of play after nine minutes, when he drilled a shot inside 'keeper Bobby Mimms near-post and Lions looked like holding on until the break. It was not to be however as Rob Lee scored with a toepoke shot from fifteen yards which finally broke Lions 'keeper Phil Davis' resistance. After Harris' red card things went from bad to worse, Lee scored again when he turned Summerfield and his angled drive found the bottom corner of Lions net and Kings Norton were on their way to a priceless victory. David May put the icing on the local-derby cake when his half-volley bounced in off Davis' left hand in a horror moment for the 'keeper who had played well.
Stand-in captain Richie Summerfiled: "It's just one of those annoying things really, I think it was over by then, no-one wants to blame Hazza (Harris) but he knows that the red-card has turned the game for them (Kings Norton) and they win because it's really tough when you're a man down, it's a harsh sending off to be honest. We'll have to pick ourselves up for the next one and make sure we get some points-simple as that...we did miss James Walker; much as it pains me to say it."
1.Davis 2.Summerfield 24.Harris 23.Slater(sub:13.Swannick) 10.Dandy 17.Carlos

DIVISION TWO
Real-JD awarded a five-nil for the failure of their opponents to attend, the forfeit result means that Real are in fifth spot and optomistic about their promotion credentials: "If our opponents keep failing to turn up, we could get promoted by default, bit wierd but that is football."

MIDDLESBOROZIL NEWS

2008-07-24T14:35:00.000+01:00

Middlesborozil 1-1 Codename Forty-Seven
Left-back Richie Summerfield grabbed a vital equaliser to earn 'Boro a draw last night and he is the recipient of the coveted £10 bonus for scoring the clubs first goal.
Pursuit of redemption was the fuel Summerfield needed as he was blamed for gifting Codename their goal when Davis played him into trouble and he had the ball taken off him and stabbed home by Francis Benali, on six minutes. But Summerfield made amends with a similar strike when he nipped in to stroke the ball home following a poor clearance from Codename goalkeeper Barry Bethell aka 'Fat-Boy-Slimfast'.

Shortly after the equaliser and debutant Billy Bishop went on a Cafu-like run and saw his long-range volley well held by Bethell (who can be seen on google earth) 'Boro played the better football throughout the remainder of the first half, Dave Connor was desperately unlucky to see his twenty yard strike hit the bar and the score remained deadlocked at half-time. Again 'Boro dominated the second-half, pushing forward and creating chance after chance but could find no way past sub-keeper Bryan Gunn, Simon Hartland, also making his 'Boro debut, went close but hit the side netting following a nice one-two with Connor.

Codename could have won the game late on when Mixu Paatalainen ran through unchallenged but could only hit the outside of the post, one-all it finished but 'Boro will take away many positives from this game: "You know, I can't believe how well we've played here tonight, I've got to be honest-Dave Connor and Mat Shotton both looked even better this week with so much confidence, there didn't seem to be any problem having Bishop and Hartland come in and play well-everyone gelled. Bit disappointed that we didn't go on and win because we had a lot of great chances but that's football."

'Boro: 1.Davis 2.Summerfield 3.Shotton 12.Bishop 6.Connor 16.Hartland

Premiership
Past-It FC 2-0 Middlesborozil FC
Second placed Past-It beat 'Boro by two goals but the title race is surely over as Wicks Wanderers won 2-1 against Accrington Geoffrey, Wanderers only require a single point from their remaining two games to clinch the premiership trophy.
Jimmy-Flloyd Hasselhoff scored both the goals that sunk a flat looking Middlesborozil side, who were behind as early as the fourth minute when Hasselhoff cut inside Shotton and placed the ball into the top right-hand corner beating Davis all-ends-up.

In the second half, as usual, 'Boro came into it more and worked the ball around a tired looking Past-It team, however a sloppy backpass from Summerfield let in Hasselhoff who toepoked it past Davis to ensure the points; will it be in vain or will their be a stunning twist in the tale?

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 3.Shotton 12.Bishop 6.Connor 16.Hartland

'END OF AN ERA'
The unusual and brief story of Middlesborozil is over, the team will be playing at the Birmingham University leisure-league on thursday from now on under the new name of 'LA GALAXY CARAMEL FC' in honour and respect of David Beckham (pay attention McLaren, oops! Too late, you butcher-looking tit.)

Once again Player/Manager/Secretary/Press Officer Phil Davis has the added headache of inheriting a team on the brink of relegation to division two: "Oh for fuck's sake, not again....I'll see what I can do...I mean I'm a goalkeeper not Kofi Anan. Following recent speculation, the board (me and richie summerfield) have decided to rename the team and move, some of us already play at the new venue, some have played before, it's a better playing surface, the teams are more likely to turn up, the standard is better but the referee's are still shockingly bad, but that is football."

PHIL DAVIS DRAWINGS

2008-07-21T15:40:00.001+01:00

'Rose West'; the fat, spectacled woman.

Two drawings of a girl guide and a monkey, in one piccture she is brandishing a shot-gun when the girl guides are asked to help in neutralising a zombie threat.

Yellow love with a man urinating on the lady, I call it 'Piss'

AAA FC 2-0 JD-LIONS

2008-07-21T00:32:00.002+01:00

Division 2: PL Quake 1-1 Real JD

Alex Dandy got on the scoresheet against polish outfit PL Quake when he equalised to earn the lions a point on sunday night.
Ziggy Boniek opened the scoring after nine minutes when he latched onto a Lato throughball and thumped a shot in off the crossbar, the poles looked like they would increase their lead but going a goal down seemed to be the catalyst for Real.

Real JD should have won a feisty game which nearly boiled over as with Paul Slater and Gregorz Lato grappled with eachother and had to be separated by officials. The diving antics of PL Quake went unpunished time and time again, and neither side could grind out a winning goal so the corresponding fixture in october should be intrigueing as both sides clearly believe that they have unfinished business. Paul Slater despite all the 'rough-stuff' and arguing had, arguably, his best game for the club according to captain Walker: "They all played well, I thought, Richie Summerfield was absoloutely solid, Dandy has scored a cracking goal to earn us a point and it's the best I've seen from Sorensen and Swannick for a long time. It's just a shame we couldn't've gone on and won this one." Real JD will be without their captain next week as he is on holiday.

PL Quake remain fifth and Real JD are sixth, however the latter has a 5-0 forfeit victory to look forward to next sunday when they have another rest instead of opposition, Winalot Penguins took maximum points as they beat fourth place Grovesy's Giants FC 2-1 and remain top of the league. Elsewhere Stockpot Seasoners FC 5-0 Back Inter Bryan which was a forfeit.

1.davis, 2.summerfield, 23.slater, 4.walker 19.dandy, 12.sorensen, 13,swanick, 17.carlos

Division 4: AAA 2-0 JD Lions
AAA remain unbeaten following a comfortable two-goal victory over uninspired JD Lions on sunday night, Jason Lee struck twice for the 'battery-men' a goal in each half which they never looked in danger of relinquishing. Lions 'keeper Phil Davis was in top form as he kept the scoreline respectable but he was at fault for the opening goal as Lee drilled it to Davis' near-postand the ball bobbled in off his leg.

JD tried desperately to get back in the game, captain James Walker was trying to get things going in midfield but every attack came to nothing, in truth JD Lions looked sluggish, Dandy was never at the races and Carlos was man-marked out of the game. JD Lions are seventh but face the team just behind them; Kings Norton which should be an entertaining local derby next sunday.

Results Roundup: Weoly Castle 7-0 AVFG; Weoly Castle have gone top of the table due to their haul of goals against second-bottom AVFG. Sporting Random 5-0 Back Inter Bryan and Dilligaf 6-3 Kings Norton Allstars

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 23.Slater 4.Walker 19.Dandy 12.Sorensen 13.Swannick 17.Carlos

PHIL DAVIS ON: 'THE LAW'

2008-07-20T14:19:00.000+01:00

I watch alot of documentaries; Cops, Caribean Cops,
Costa Del Street Crime, Send in the dogs, Worlds Wildest Police Video's, Cops caught on camera, Street Wars and so on. Having grown up with a policeman for a dad and worked in a CCTV control room I have some fairly biased opinions but, I believe, a good overview on how the police and the law works.

RESPECT
I watched a documentary on channel 5+1 last night which focussed on a CCTV control room in wigan which was very interesting, one officer echoed what I said once, he mainly outlined how when he was young he was 'spoken to and dealt with by a policeman' and was mortified and nervous, intimidated and worried what would happen if his parents found out.

When I was sixteen I was spoken to by mounted police in Birmingham on new years eve, they advised me to behave because I was caught urinating in a public place. I apologised and was polite, but the more I watch documentaries the more common attitude for the police seems to be one of resentment and disdain towards people who are essentially employed to see the smooth, safe and peaceful running of our country. Argueing with, running from and swearing at the authorities will never end well for anybody. I am amazed by the idiots who swear infront of or at police, who are warned several times that they must stop using foul language or they will be arrested and the idiot, invariably, will swear again; therefore is arrested and they display an incredulous attitude: "What for? What, the fuck, have I done? You can't nick me for swearing!"

For obvious reasons, you can not swear at, or infront of, the police, it undermines them and betrays a lack of respect. I love swearing but calling a policeman 'a cunt' is not going to get me anywhere.

SAFETY
I can never understand when revellers empty out of pubs and clubs and see a large number of police and think that it's a bad thing. It can look aggressive but essentially their deployment is to maintain order, the police probably don't want to be there anymore than some people want to see them there. Coppers would rather be anonymously having a drink themselves, more than likely. When I was a student in Preston, the main row of pubs, bars and clubs had a large police presence outside after midnight and students were the worst for giving the police grief, usually because they think it makes them look or sound hard if they got arrested for public order, it doesn't; it makes you look like an immature twat who can't handle beer and you're gutted to be going home without a bird. Had the individual pulled, you wouldn't see them swearing at police, you'd see them smiling on their way home in anticipation of a filthy ride.

PEOPLE
Police officers are actually human beings; their DNA is almost identical to our own, it just happens that they chose a different career with certain social boundaries. Wherever I have worked there have always been twats, some people can not help it, you are allowed to hate them for being a twat; that is fine, just don't label them as all being the same.
I'm sure that most police officers want a quiet and peaceful night or day shift so that they can go home to their family and enjoy their decent salary, same as most normal people.

COMMON SENSE
I appreciate that many people have come across police officers who lack common sense or tact, until we have robots who are consistant in every detail policing our streets then rude police are somthing that you will have to abide by. If an individual has a couple of joints worth of resin or they are drinking in the street then take it off them and just give the individual a quick low-down of the law, advise them and it should be the end of it as far as I'm concerned. Some laws are not made very clear and inconsistant policing can be a problem-I recall one episode of Street Crime UK when a young male in southampton argued for ten minutes with two policemen when he was in posession of skunk, he seemed to think that if he agreed to be arrested then he would be allowed to keep the skunk when he was released without charge! Bad example because he was fairly stupid but he had the skunk confiscated and was sent on his way.

IMAGE
The image of the police, I feel, is getting better. Programmes such as The Bill, Life On Mars and Ashes To Ashes and the film Hot Fuzz have projected a far more sexy and human aspect to the job, aswel as the numerous reality TV programmes.

PHIL DAVIS DRAWINGS

2008-07-17T13:11:00.000+01:00

Just a couple of drawings from my sketchbook.

Above left is a character called 'Tyne-Wolf' which is a spoof of Michael J Fox film; TeenWolf, my character is a geordie (from newcastle upon tyne) he is an amateur footballer playing in a pub-league who has the unusual distinction of being of lycanthrope or werewolf: with hilarious consequences.

Above centre is a character called Emile De-Cock who is a belgian-congolese footballer based on my friend and former team-mate and colleague Abbassy Niyongabo, who bless him seemed to think that he was a professional footballer which made him endearing. I have attempted to immortalise him with a series of drawins and short stories (more to follow)

Above left is a 'stick-man being urinated on by a 'stick-woman'. They are perverts.

MIDDLESBOROZIL NEWS

2008-07-16T15:35:00.000+01:00

'Boro 5
Accrington Geofrey 0

Leisure-leagues imposed a five-nil defeat upon 'no-show' Accrington Geoffrey and awarded Middlesborozil the victory. Player/manager Phil Davis had this to say: "Well, you know, I'm a bit disappointed that they've not turned up, maybe they were scared? I was looking forward to it but it just means safety should be reachable next week which is fantastic."
The forfeit result means that 'boro could climb to fourth if they beat second placed 'Past It FC' on thursday night, they remain fourth fom bottom but the season will surely culminate in a fascinating finale, both at business end and the basement.

Middlesborozil 0-3 'Slobs R us'
Slobs were easy winners of this friendly as Carlton Palmer opened the scoring after 4 minutes with a simple one-on-on finish which was added to by Chris Kiwonmya and Eddie McGoldrick, who each scored in the second half against a lack-lustre 'boro side. "Teething problems, that's all, we're new to eachother and getting used to this playing area is not easy, you know, different sized and shaped penalty area's at either end of a pitch that is wider that it is long which is covered in sand....it's going to take time and patience, it will come together."

1.Davis 2.Summerfield 3.Shotton 4.Walker 15.Sorenson 6.Connor

FURIOUS NEWS-FLASH
Lamp-Lard turns down Middlesborozil move.
'Boro player/manager Phil Davis say's that he is disappointed that he was unable to lure the chelski and england midfielder away from Stamford 'The' Bridge following week-long negotiations: "Well, we offered him a four and a half year deal worth £145,000 a-week but Lampard's agent said that was a poultry amount; which is a coincidence because Frank was eating exactly 145llbs of fried chicken at the meeting when I made that offer."

"He's a fucking winker"
Christiano Ronaldo was also a 'target' for Davis this summer but unfortunately the brummie 'keeper missed and was unable to reload in time before the winger scuttled off looking sweaty.

NCP MANCHESTER FC NEWS

2008-07-14T17:31:00.000+01:00

NCP MANCHESTER 0-1 SIX-AMIGO'S FC

Phil Davis was on loan to former club NCP Manchester, yesterday however it was an unhappy return as The Bee's were beaten by their bogey team Six Amigo's.

Player/manager Gaz Kerrigan has implemented some changes since Davis left; Noble, Polhill, Pugh and Kerrigan are still there but Niyongabo is out with a groin strain and Sam Simpson has sensationally quit the club! NCP were lacklustre in their approach and despite having more of the ball and the better chances, they were beaten by a fluke goal of the highest order. Davis rolled the ball to Kerrigan who delayed clearing his lines long enough for Jake Camenbert to close him down, Kerrigan attempted to hoof the ball downfield but instead the ball cannoned in off Camenbert and straight into the open net. "Wish I hadn't bothered coming back now, but it's great to see the lads and how so much has changed in just three weeks of me leaving. Next season hopefully the lads can have a good start and do well, they've got some decent new players, so good luck to them."

The result means that NCP have slipped to ninth in the league, their lowest place for over two years, player/manager Kerrigan, however, is not phased: "Wait and see next season."

MIDDLESBOROZIL NEWS (COMPETITION/BONUS)

2008-07-12T12:02:00.000+01:00

FOOTB Middlesborozil player/manager Phil Davis has offered a ten pounds english sterling banknote (pictured right)to the winner of a competition! To win this fantastic prize all you need to do is score the first goal for the club! Davis launched a similar competition last year whilst player/manager of NCP Manchester: "It was sucessful back then, NCP had not scored for about fifteen matches and I'd tried everything including playing outfiled myself but as soon as I offered the players a bonus- we scored. Dean Polhill was the proud owner of a crisp twenty pound note. As I'm unemployed it will only be a ten pound note that you can enjoy at any pub in birmingham for a few hours (or for a total of 7 minutes at The Mailbox!) The prize is 100% tax-free. Good luck."

Terms and conditions:
This competition is open to Middlesboro players only; opposing players scoring an own-goal on behalf of Middlesboro will be appreciated but ultimately exempt from the ten pounds prize. To claim your prize just see Phil Davis post-match for details.

TOP FIVE: MOMENTS IN FOOTBALL

2008-07-12T09:03:00.000+01:00

Describe your top-five favourite moments in the history of football. This must be a personal discussion. Discuss.

1.David Beckham rescue's England's world cup: With Germany only drawing with Finland, a point against Greece will be enough to see England qualify for the 2002 world cup in japan/korea. England are losing 1-2 going into the third minute of injury time when they are awarded a free-kick 25 yards from goal. It was a 'roy-of-the-rovers' moment, it's now or never-and David Beckham bent the free-kick up and over the wall, the 'keeper never moved. 2-2 and the whole country went crazy. I went mad, got drenched in lager at a pub and spent the day celebrating.

2.Birmingham city beat Norwich on penalties, 2002: at the best ground I have ever been to; Cardiff's Millenium Stadium. The actual game was dull, it only came alive in extra-time when Iwan Roberts headed Norwich infront. Luckily for the blues Geoff Horsefield prodded an equaliser and everyone was nervous right up to and including the dreaded penalty shootout. Birmingham had been unsucessful in five penalty shootouts in a row (including one at Millenium stadium the previous season) but this one was different. Birmingham had the upper hand as soon as Nico Vaesen saved Mulryne's effort, Devlin scored for the blues, Daryl Sutch rolled his penalty wide and eventually it was left to local-lad Carter to take the decisive penalty which he tucked away. Birmingham city promoted to the premiership at the fourth time of asking in the play-off's; I don't mind telling you that I burst uncontrollably into tears and nearly vomitted with excitement, I got on the coach outside the ground, hugged my dad and then passed out.

3.Villa 0-2 Birmingham, 2003: You can forget your Merseyside, Manchester, London and East-Anglian derby matches, if you want a really nasty affair where it's guaranteed to kick off, before, during and after the game; look no further than the Birmingham derby, forget Graham Poll-phone Kofi Anan! The premiership newboys were expected to go straight back down, but having already embaressed 'the vile' at St.Andrews, the blues, visiting Villa Park for the first time in ten years were quietly confident. (I watched this game on the big screen on a pub in preston because I was a scared student and didn't want to be anywhere near villa park) It was 0-0 when Dion Dublin was shown a red card for headbutting Lily Savage (nothing wrong with that) and villa were down to ten men, which made it slightly easier for Kenna to supply Lazaridis with a cross to head blues infront with 15 mins left. Peter Enckleman's circus juggling-routine was hopeless against Horsefield who walked the ball into the net as the terraces began to turn violent. Police helicopter, Police Dogs and Tactical Aid Unit's turned up as pandamonium reigned at Villa park. Joey Gudjonsson then got sent off for a two-footed, studs-showing, foul. Birmingham had done the double over Villa for the first time in twenty-six, long, agonsing years.

4.Barnsley's FA cup run 2007-08: Underdog's seemed to have a free licence in the cup last season, not one big team from the premiership in the semi-finals, mainly because of all the giant-killing that was going on. Liverpool had a scare against a gang of plumbers and roofers and a taxi-driver only to face more 'easy' opposition in the next round. Luke Steele, the on-loan, third-choice 'keeper did his 'roy-of-the-rovers' thing and stopped everything that came his way and Barnsley went and scored at the Kop end in injury-time to go through to the quarter-finals, where Chelski would surely cure this underdog epidemic. They couldn't, because Barnsley beat them 1-0 at their 'ground' to clinch a wembley semi-final.

5.South Korea v Italy, world cup 2002: This game was korea's farewell match, thanks for hosting half of the world cup, well-done on qualifying for the second round but leave it to the professionals. Gus Hiddink had other idea's, despite going a goal down from Vieri. Hiddink threw on a load of attackers and the koreans, deservedly, equalised late on to send the game into goalden-goal extra-time. Totti was then sent off for diving which was a harsh decision and it was end-to-end stuff but no-body could win it, until Ahn Jung-Wan headed past Buffon to put Italy out and Korea into the quarter-finals.

TOP FIVE: "PLAYED OUT OF POSTIONS"

2008-07-11T15:31:00.000+01:00

Footballers who play out of their position. Discuss!

From time to time in football, players will adopt a role on the pitch that they are less suited to, usually born out of need rather than desire, often noteworthy and always highly amusing (provided it doesn't happen to your team.)

1.Rio Ferdinand: It seems, almost, ironic that Rio Ferdinand is number one in this list, because for twenty minutes he was number one for Man Utd last season. Van Der Sar's clicky-hip meant that sub-keeper Kuszak came on at half time and as soon as he was called into action he was given his marching orders for a professional foul on 'britains next top model' Milan Baros.

I'm sure I was not the only person sniggering as 'England's number twenty-seven' pulled on an ill fitting 'keeper jersey and gloves and pretended he knew what he was doing as he dived like a penguin, getting no-where near Sulley Muntari's spot-kick. Luckily for Rio, Pompey sat back to defend their lead after that, I can only imagine how comical things would have been.

2.John Terry: Bit serious, this one. All's well that ends well for Chelski, though so no-harm done...I say no harm done, Reading desperately wanted to get somthing out of this game which meant putting not one, but both of the Lions 'keepers into a meat wagon! Hunt didn't mean to hurt Petr Cech, according to the ever-impartial Steve Coppell, I agree. It didn't seem that Hunt did want to hurt Cech-I think he had designs on turning him into a vegetable. Hunt had to make do with only fracturing the czech goalie's skull, requiring emergency neuro-surgery and a metal plate to prevent brain damage. It didn't end there: Cudicini was given some ice-hockey treatment by Ibrahima Sonko forcing Cudicini to swallow his tongue. (his own tongue, not Sonko's) So courageous John Terry went in goal and rescued a point for 'the blues'. He must've been shitting himself.

3.David James: Cast your mind back a couple of seasons. Stuart Pearce's Man city side were playing Middlesboro for a place in the UEFA cup at The City of Manchester Stadium, which is located near Manchester City centre...can you guess which team play their home games there? In the second half Pearce had to do somthing to win this game, go 4-3-3....4-2-4? Bring on an extra attacker? He didn't need to bring on an extra attacker, because he was already playing in goal! David James went up-front and Nicky (I'm not fat, I'm just big-boned)Weaver played on between-the-sticks. Comedy ensued as 'Jamo' fouled, fell over and even kick two team-mates up in the air as he was trying to have a pop at goal. Man city got what they deserved, fuck all. And Pearce eventually got sacked and people who thought he'd be the next England manager went and hid. I love a happy ending.

4.Iain Dowie: When god was handing out 'good-looks'; baby Iain Dowie was being dropped, repeatedly, on his head, by an uncaring mother. Never-the-less he grew up to be a great goalscorer (with a head shaped liked a sheriff's badge). Which is why when 'Sloth from The Goonies' look-a-like winner from 1984-until-present, played in defence for southampton one night he scored the most deliberate looking own goal ever. Striker's cannot defend. The Saints lost and unsurprisingly 'gammon-head' never played at the back again.

5."George Weah's cousin": No-body really knows what position 'Ali Dia' favoured. He was woeful but hysterical, you can question his validity at being placed in this list all you want but it's a funny story. He fancied himself as a striker, according to Matt Le-Tissier, but Souness plonked him in the middle of the park after 'God' was injured and subbed on 32 minutes. It became apparent that Ali Dia was not whom he claimed and Ken Monkou had to come on to replace him before things got worse. Unfortunately for 'Souey' they already had, they lost the game 0-2 to Leeds and the moustachioed-scotsman eventually got sacked.

MIDDLESBOROZIL NEWS

2008-07-10T23:08:00.001+01:00

MIDDLESBOROZIL: 0

WICKS WANDERERS: 0

New boss Phil Davis was the hero for Middlesborozil in the Solihul leisure leagues Premier division, last night, as his side grabbed a priceless point against table-toppers Wicks Wanderers.

Davis was sensational between the sticks as he was nominated man-of-the-match for denying the premiership's msot prolific strikers time and time again: "Credit to the lads aswel, you know...they've had to dig in deep, they only met one another for the first time half an hour before kick off, no-one knew each other's name or position so it was a makeshift managerial effort from myself-it's just a good job I got a clean-sheet..listening to some of the lads afterwards here, they're disapointed that they've not won because of the chance Dave Connor's had near the end but that's football."

Throughout the first half Middlesborozil were on the backfoot defending as the champions elect carved out chance after chance but were met by a wall of white shirts, Mat Shotton was in the right place at the right time to slide in and block as Pete Wallace's volley looked goalbound. Moments later and Davis was forced into action as he saved with his feet from Wallace's point blank half-volley and then saved the follow up from Thomas with a despairing right hand to turn around the post for a corner. It was one way traffic until the half-time whistle without 'boro troubling the Wanderers 'keeper.

In the second half Wanderers had the better chances but conceded more posession as James Walker and Richie Summerfield linked up to provide Connor, the lone frontan, with more options, 'Boro managed to slow the play down and took the sting out of an, ever-increasingly, frustrated Wanderers side. Bhavesh Patel seemed to come good just at the right time late on as he blocked twice from Thomas' goalbound efforts and allowed Shotton to clear, Walker took the throughball and played in Connor for the best opportunity of the game but the striker saw his low drive deflected away by Riggs left knee, and the game ended nil-nil. Without using any substitutes 'Boro played very well, alot of energy and a never-say-die attitude, the result is imeasurable in terms of premiership safety and detremental for Wanderers championship aspirations as the gap between themselves and 'Past It FC' at the top is closer than ever.

The draw means'Boro leap a place and are now fourth from bottom, just outside of the relegation zone with five games remaining but next week they must face Accrington Geoffrey whom 'Boro lost 2-0 in a pre-season friendly against: "That won't play on the lads' minds, you know we're solid and will look to get at them more, we invited them in last time because we were overawed by their speed, because they're a young team but I expect us to be a much tougher obstacle next thursday."

MIDDLESBOROZIL NEWS

2008-07-02T22:22:00.000+01:00

Goalkeeper Phil Davis will once again try his hand at management with the creation of his latest football-project 'Middlesboro-zil'. Leisure-League organisers welcomed the arrival of the bat-shit crazy, brummie brainchild into the Solihul Foxhollies Birmingham 6-a-side premier division to replace an undesirable team. Once again Davis' first managerial challenge will be to avoid finishing in the relegation zone, as his team will start three off the bottom with five games remaining. Furious-Pigeon caught up with Davis as he made time in his hectic schedule of 'professional-temping' to chinwag about this 'Middlesboro-zil caper'; check it.
"I've called in some former team-mates for this venture, I played with Billy Bishop and the Hartland brothers when we won this league in 2003...Summerfield and Walker are part of the JDFC franchise with whom I play on a sunday now, Matt Shotton is a Law graduate from Leeds; he and I are 'temps' we worked together at the solicitors last weekend and Patel and Connor are old friends from my university days, most of these lads don't know eachother yet but neither did the lads at NCP Manchester and that eventually became my proudest achievement; I am looking to surpass that success story and win this league...I've done it before and I want to do it again."
As always, Davis will have his work cut out like a tumor from a skull, "Yeah, it's typical isn't it? First game Wicks Wanderers...the league organiser told me, over the phone, who they were and I asked 'are they any good?' he says; 'not really, they're not world beaters' I go home and check on the intenet, like any chap would, they're fucking top of the league!" Thursday 10th july at 8:30pm, be there or watch it on eurosport (or Sky+ it if you're posh.)

Furious-Pigeon asked why 'Middlesboro-zil'?
"I remeber the amusement we all shared regarding Middlesboro fans who chanted: 'It's just like watching Brazil...' when they had Juninho, Emerson and they got to both domestic cup finals that season if my memory serves me....also I think every football fan is a fan of Brazil, they seem to play football the way that idealistic football fans want the beautiful game to be played and it sounds good, you know a half pun/play-on-words."

Furious Pigeon wants to know what will the Middlesboro-zil kit look like?
Well, as the kit is not a priority at the moment I have asked the lads to wear black shorts and white socks and I've called in a favour from Manchester; the second kit or 'away' shirt of canary yellow and royal blue thick stripes..it's a Prostar kit and it has the sponsor of 'NCP Manchester' across the front, it's nice but we won't have that until our second game. I'm hoping to buy a full PUMA strip, we'll brainstorm in the pub and reach a compromise on the colour so it's neutral, that's what this team will be all about we'll reach a compromise and I disagree we'll change it to what I want to do, it's only fair. Against Wicks Wanderers we'll end up wearing bibs, most likely.

Furious-Pigeon asked what other potential names were shoved back down the pipeline like a toilet brush?
'Rapid Butt-Plug Tests' (Rapid Bucherest) 'Red Star Well-Played' (Red Star Belgrade)....'Parrotts think like us' (Panathinaikos).... 'Then Eat Some Batenberg' (Zenit St.Petersberg)... how long have you got?

Furious-Pigeon exclusive:probable Middlesboro-zil squad:
1:Phil Davis 2:Billy Bishop 3:Richie Summerfield 4:Matt Shotton 5:Paul Hartland 6:Dave Connor 12:Simon Hartland 13:James Walker 15:Bav Patel

PHIL DAVIS NEWS

2008-07-01T13:26:00.000+01:00

THE CAT IS A MEMBER OF THE PUMA FAMILY!

Furious-Pigeon spent the day with JD Lions goalkeeper Phil Davis as he signed a lucrative sponsorship deal with sports manufacturers PUMA, meaning that he will don their products until he finds somthing cheaper. Davis joined the mailing list for PUMA goalkeeper products on-line and says that he thoroughly enjoyed the homo-erotic themed photo-shoot to promote his favoured gloves (Puma V5.06) in which he wore nothing but the gloves and a pair of rather fetching white, puma, socks. Something of a goalkeeping-geek, Davis customised his PUMA V5.06 gloves to include the adidas F50 fingerspines, "I know it's a contradiction, what with PUMA and adidas being rivals, but I like to think that I've brought the best of both german sports manufacturers together to prevent me suffering further injuries."

Davis will need all of the help that he can get, following the fortnight league break his first action will see him pitted against 'AAA' who top division four having won both of their opening fixtures, scoring ten goals in the process, straight after that game he will face PL Quake who sit one place above his side Real JD in a promotion clash.

Davis told Furious-Pigeon that he is awaiting results on a scan of his left elbow to see if there is any long-term damage, he suffered the injury whilst working as a 'temp' at solicitors Shakespeare-Putsman on behalf of Katie Bard recruitment agency and catagorically stated that: "This injury was purely accidental, no liability or blame falls on Shakespeare-Putsman or indeed Katie Bard, afterall; they are solicitors so I've got no chance, have I?! Afterall, I got £6.50 per hour, what more could I ask for...apart from a new, hydraulic-elbow perhaps?" The brummie-stopper is also awaiting the outcome of an ebay bid for a puma kazakstan goalkeeper jersey and a pair of puma V-Kat goalkeeper gloves, his father is taking care of the paypal side of things.

JD-LIONS 2-1 BACK-INTER-BRYAN

2008-06-30T21:56:00.001+01:00

Real JDFC 2-1 Blair City Rollers FC:

I got my first win under my belt as a 'JDFC franchise' player on sunday night as we came from behind to win an excellent contest. It was an evenly contested battle early on and Blair City could, and should, have gone infront alot earlier than they did: Barber took a pass from Wallace and he saw his shot parried by Davis who, somehow, recovered to save from Taylor. The Rollers did eventually go infront, more by fortune thn design thanks to a JD defensive error-Slater played a 'hospital-pass' to Summerfild on his weaker foot, Wallace pounced and slid the ball past the advancing Davis. Following the opening goal JD looked better and played the ball around with far more fluidity than their opponents without causing too much trouble for the Blair City keeper, however on the stroke of halftime JD equalised through good one-touch passing and finished with a neat drive from the right foot of Alex Dandy. 1-1 at halftime.

In the second half Real JD upped the tempo and played some really nice football, Walker was linking up well with the front pair of Carlos and Dandy but it was the captain, James Walker, leading by example who scored the goal that proved to be the winner. Walker took a touch, turned and drilled a shot into the bottom left-hand corner to win the game. Real JD now sit in sixth place in the league.

1.Phil Davis 2.Richie Summerfield 24.Paul Slater(sub:23.Steven Harris) 7.James Walker 11.Carlos(sub:10.Alex Dandy)

JD Lions 2-1 Back Inter Bryan:JD Lions got their promotion campaign back on track with their first win of the season in a gripping encounter at the Selly-Oak astroturf, captain-marvel James Walker took his tally to three goals as he scored two goals either side of halftime to give JD Lions all the points against their local bitter rivals;Back Inter Bryan. Back Inter took the lead after just five minutes as Wallace was played in by the beared Simmons and slotted the ball past Davis and it looked like the same old story again. However the JD Lions showed their resiliance and got stuck in, somtimes it was not pretty football but they ground out the result. Walkers equaliser on the stroke of half-time was detremental to Back Inter's confidence and served as a springboard for JD Lions success as they seemed to have belief and pushed for the winner, and what a goal it was too-Davis rolled it to Walker who turned his man, took a touch and scored with a rasping drive, along the deck, that went in off the far-post to make it 2-1. The result pushes JD Lions up to fourth place, just behind rivals Back Inter Bryan.

"We've not beaten them in about five attempts now, I think it is; so to come up with a win against them like that is fantastic...Paul Harris has done a great job at the back, blocking everything, so has Summerfield and Phil Davis in goal has made some top-saves to keep them out near the end but I think we've deserved to win on the whole as we've played some quality football...big improvement on last week I think and you know, we need more performances like that, who knows we could be up there come the end of the season." said man of the match James Walker.

The JD franchise are rueing their bad luck with Birmingham University's decision to relay the astro-turf at Selly-Oak: "We've just won and were hoping to build on this success, unfortunately the uni are imposing a fortnight break on all of the teams in all six divisions, but it's just one of those things." Next fixture's: JD Lions v AAA (5:30pm) and Real JD v PL Quake (6:00pm) both on sunday 20th July, 2008.

1.Phil Davis(GK) 2.Richie Summerfield(sub:3.Dave Swannick) 4.Dave Sorensen(sub:24.Paul Slater) 10.Alex Dandy 7.James Walker 23:Steven Harris

Other news: Phil Davis enjoyed being secretary of NCP Manchester FC so much that he is going to build a new team to compete on thursday nights at the selly-oak astroturf in Birmingham: "It will not interfere with JDFC Franchise commitments and it should be good if we can actually get our team into division two." SQUAD: 1.Phil Davis 2.Billy Bishop 3.Dave Connor 4.Richie Summerfield 5.Simon Hartland 6.Paul Hartland 7.Matt from Leeds

Stockport Premiership: Swollen Goolies 3(THREE)-0 NCP Manchester; the bee's remain in seventh place for the seventh week running, they are not in seventh heaven, however following a catastrophic defeat to basement boys Swollen Goolies who notched their first win of the season in some style.

JD-LIONS 1-2 BACK-INTER-BRYAN

2008-06-24T15:30:00.001+01:00

I arrived back in Birmingham, moved into Dawn's flat with no hassle and then made my debut for the JDFC franchise on sunday night. On my way into the massive multi-pitch astro-turf, playing area I was nearly brained by two 'hooray-henry's' practising their lacrosse drills and one of them missed the goal and the 9oz rubber-ball just whizzed past my head, that would've been an inauspicious start. I was fairly pleased with my debut night, despite losing three games! First off; in division four That-Team FC 3-2 Real-JDFC: I conceded a goal after approximately four minutes. Long-range, right-footed, in off the base of my right post-my first touch back in Birmingham was to pick the ball out of the net! We went 2-0 down and pulled a goal back in the second half, a left-foot thunderbolt flew past me to make it 3-1 to That-Team FC and we pulled another goal back but eventually lost 2-3. We are 9th in the league out of 12. I played quite well though making several decent saves; despite very windy conditions and the heavily watered pitch (Birmingham university like it drenched, aparently)

JD-Lions 1-2 Back-Inter-Bryan FC: In our next match;a second division local derby against former team-mates, we started better and went into halftime level at 0-0, I'd made a few good saves and felt that we could go onto win it. During the second half a long-range drive flew by me in off the post and we were behind, until Alex popped up with a rifle that deflected in, 1-1. Unfortunately with only three minutes left I conceded a low drive past my right hand and we never recovered. A 1-2 defeat, leaving us 8th out of 12 in the league.

Other News: JD-Lions were beaten 5-3 in a friendly against an unknown division one team, I made a load of good saves in this one despite conceding five goals. I conceded 10 in three games so my record is not great at the moment. NCP Manchester 0-0 Jolly Sailors: This result means that The Bee's remain 7th for the second month in a row and the Sailors hopes of a league title are diminishing. I have re-registered with Katie Bard recruitment and start a temp job "lifting and shifting" at a law-firm warehouse in the city centre on friday, for three days. Need money and maybe I'll get a little bit of excercise out of it. Applied for British Transport Police job (as a civilian) aswel.

PHIL DAVIS NEWS

2008-06-16T15:32:00.000+01:00

PHIL DAVIS :"The Bee's Knee's"

"He leaves a gap...simply as that, he will be hard to replace." Gary Kerrigan NCP player/manager

"He's done very well for this lot, he's been great." Jeff the ref

Phil Davis leaves NCP with an impressive record of having played 81 games and conceded 78 goals, considering the leaky defence that played infront of him during his first two seasons in which they let through 46 goals in just 19 matches-the latter part of his tenure seems more impressive. Thats 32 goals against in his last 62 appearances.

The biggest regret for the brummie shot-stopper is that he gained the team that he built no silverware: "I felt that we could and should have gone on to win the NCP services National Challenge Trophy (The Barry Hibbs Memorial Cup) in august 2007 in London, we were knocked out on penalties by Fulham when we were at our peak...that was bitterly disappointing. We ran out of gas in april this year with three games to go in the premiership and could only draw 0-0 with Jolly Sailors which meant that we couldn't win the league, I was absolutely gutted but we got to europe and played in Amsterdam where we were awful."

For the most part he seems to have enjoyed it though: "There have been some great times, like our first ever win-it was january, it was freezing and snowing, we were losing one-nil to Gala who were top of the league, I made a really decent save and then we went up the other end and scored twice in the last two minutes, that was amazing and gave us confidence. My favourite game was the season where we ended up finishing third, we were unbeaten so far that season after eight games and hadn't conceded a goal up until that point. We went a goal down scored by an old rival, Lee Chapman of Jolly Sailors, we thought our luck had run out but Dean Polhill scored two great goals and I made a few good saves then Chapman got sent off...it was a brilliant night. Those are just a couple of the good memories that I will take with me."

Davis will need to take more than just memories back to Birmingham, if 'JD Lions' and 'Real JD' are going to have better campaign's this term he is going to have to be a solid performer between the sticks. Davis will play twice every sunday, once for division two outfit; 'Real JD' and once for division four side 'JD-Lions', respectively: "They are the same team, just in two different leagues, it's much better that way. Between the two teams we conceded 111 goals in 44 games last season, that's why Phil (Davis) is here." Richie Summerfield of the JDFC-franchise told furious-pigeon. The opening fixture's have pitted Real-JD against newly promoted 'That Team FC' champions of division three last season and in division four it's 'la-super-el-grand-classico' as JD-Lions face local, bitter rivals 'Back Inter Bryan FC'.

"I'm really excited, a new team, back in my home town, it really is a dream move for me. As you know I'm sad to have left Manchester but somtimes you just need a new challenge and come-what-november, we'll see if we've achieved."

NCP MANCHESTER FC NEWS

2008-06-16T14:33:00.000+01:00

NCP Manchester 0-0 PSV Hangover

NCP goalkeeper Phil Davis ended his two year tenure with NCP Manchester with a clean-sheet as the Bee's drew with near rivals PSV Hangover at Hazel Grove Rec. last night, a fair result as both teams had chances but couldn't convert. The game was marred near the end as Polhill and Niyongabo argued pathetically while the game was still going: "Well, it was four vs six for the final five minutes wasn't it because of them two bitchin'....its a shame coz it was Phil's last game and we didn't want that. Overall I'll settle for a point though."

Paul Brown was arguably the best player on the field as he made most of the work through the midfield carving out chances and setting up Paul Kappa, on-loan from the Fiveways but Davis was clearly up for the contest on his last outing in the Bee's colours. He turned one shot around the post from Brown early on, when Brown did beat him with a shot-the hapless 'keeper saw it ricochet off the post and along the goal-line and away to safety. Nil-nil at halftime.

In the second half Polhill had a couple of chances as he was ably assisted by Luke Moriarty who played his first game for several weeks, but the pair could not combine to create any real clear-cut opportunities infront of the PSV goal.

Davis saw his crossbar shake from a Paul Kappa piledriver and he made a good stop late on from a deflected toepoke from Brown and diverted it for a corner, the game ended nil-nil. NCP Manchester still cannot move off seventh spot in the league, it's a position that they have held now for five weeks, next week they take on old rivals Jolly Sailors with Kerrigan planning to start with NCP's all-time leading goalscorer Dean Polhill in goal.

"I've said my goodbyes to some of the lads here, said goodbye to Jeff the ref who has been great in all weathers here at Hazel Grove so we can play every week, I've loved, almost, every minute here and it's a shame to leave but I'll take alot of great memories with me, so thankyou very much."

1:Davis 2:Kerrigan 15:Noble (sub:3:Simpson) 4:Niyongabo 5:Polhill 6:Moriarty

Gala 1-1 Jolly Sailors: a controversial penalty converted by Wheeler set Gala on their way but a mistake by Gala goalie Alan ensured that both teams earned a point in the battle at the top. The result means that Sailors are now three points behind leaders Fiveways and Gala are third.

Fiveways 6(SIX)-0 Swollen-Goolies: The Fiveways ended a fantastic weekend with a record victory over the bottom team, Fiveways won the UK Leisure-leagues champions league in Birmingham, beating the premiership winners of the UK's teams contested between the best 96, incredible. They inevitably top the table.

Reform Club 1-0 Real Reform: Luke Warburton's Real Reform were beaten for the first time in nine games last night as Chris Haggam ended their resiliance with a great strike with only two minutes left on the clock. Reform Club are fourth and Real are now in sixth place.

Six Amigo's 0-0 Mavericks: A dour contest ended 0-0 with neither team having any joy infront of goal. That is why they remain tenth and eleventh, respectively.

NCP MANCHESTER FC NEWS

2008-06-08T14:06:00.001+01:00

STOCKPORT LEISURE-LEAGUES PREMIER

Mavericks Athletic 0-2 NCP Manchester

The Bee's bounced back from last week's 0-3 thumping to beat Mavericks with goals from Niyongabo and Pugh.

NCP were in charge from kick-off, Niyongabo had his best game of the season as he was involved in almost every NCP attack. Indeed it was a nice one-two with Pugh from Niyongabo that put Polhill through on goal but when defender Chris Dingle was spotted encroaching by referee Jeff Jefferson NCP had a penalty. It was emphatically despatched by Niyongabo, high in the top-left corner and in off the post, the 'keeper had no chance.

Moments later Kerrigan played a ball to Niyongabo, whose first time ball found Polhill he squared it to Pugh and he saw his first time effort tipped over the bar. Pugh didn't have to wait much longer to open his account for the Bee's as a carbon-copy move two minutes later resulted in Pugh, this occasion, finding the back of the net. 2-0 at halftime.

The second half was controlled by the Bee's as they held onto the ball, using Polhill and Pugh breaking forward and Kerrigan and Niyongabo's inteligence holding onto the ball meant that NCP saw out time comfortbaly and are back on track. However they have not moved in the league again as they remain seventh. Next week: Nivea Challenge Cup @stockport powerleague 1pm and PSV Hangover @Hazel Grove Rec. kick off 7:30pm This will be goalkeeper Phil Davis' last game for the club, he hopes that the Cup at the powerleague will be his swansong and he has been made captain for the event: "Well, it's going to be very emotional for me, this lot have been my friends, team-mates and work colleagues for two years now and I aim to go out on a high, it would be an amazing fairwell to get the team's first silverware on my final day with them."

Gala 3-0 No-Score-Draw:Gala's title-chase may have seen the blue-touch paper lit here as they move up to third and look like entering the championship race again with this emphatic win and next week they could go 2nd if they beat 2nd-placed Jolly Sailors. No Score Draw really struggled at times with the heat and Gala's front pair of Dean Wheeler and Kyle Brown who shared the goals.

Jolly Sailors 1-0 Unreal Madrid:The Sailors excellent run continues with Lee Chapman scoring a wonder goal to keep the Under-Seadogs just behind Fiveways but they will have a test next week as they face an upsurging Gala team, hell-bent on winning a league that they have finished runners-up four times. Unreal Madrid may have slightly lost their way with a few poor recent results, they are still fifth.

Reform Club 1-2 Fiveways:This was the match-of-the-day, newboys Reform Club took the lead with a great sweeping move and looked like adding to it, Paul Ellis scored the goal. However in the second half the defending champions moved up a gear and the young Reform 'keeper Alvick was kept busy he made save and save, as his tired defenders were pulled from pillar to post and inevitably Fiveways got their equalizer through Ray Brookes, with little time left Brookes turned and crossed to the far post where Paul Whalley volleyed home to keep the champions top.

Six Amigo's 1-0 Swollen Goolies:Neither team had won a game all season before this encounter, so you had a feeling that somthing had to give and it did, Swollen Goolies never looked comfortable with the ball and spent most of the game watching or chasing it in the searing heat at Hazel Grove so it was no real surprise when Bob Charles stabbed home after eight minutes to push the Six Amigo's up to tenth.

Real Reform 0-0 PSV Hangover:Real Reform failed to capitalize on several good chances to go

clear of NCP Manchester, they remain in sixth place and PSV drop a place to, a disappointing, ninth in the league. "Well after winning thre-nil last week we expected to go on a bit of a run here tonight, it just wasn't to be unfortunately...they're a hard team to break down, they're big and strong but we should've won the game." Mused Luke Warburton.

NCP MANCHESTER FC NEWS

2008-06-02T18:25:00.000+01:00

NCP Manchester 0-3 Real Reform
Luke Warburton and Danny Mather took NCP apart last night with some lovely football and clinical finishing. Player/Manager Gary Kerrigan was left tearing out what little hair he has left as his side were inept, tired and beaten by a side who were better in every department.
It was a humid environment in Hazel Grove and NCP were sluggish from the start and were under the kosh from the get-go, Warburton was dictating the pace, running the midfield and feeding the pacey Danny Mathers who scored the first after five minutes. Warburton tied Kerrigan and Pugh up in knots and teed up Mathers whose toe-poke found the bottom right-hand corner of the NCP net. It was two-nil on the stroke of half-time, Mathers raced onto a defence splitting throughball from Warburton and steered the ball under the onrushing 'keeper to double Unreal's advantage.

Things did not get better in the second half for the Bee's; their passing was poor, there was no energy or cohesion, Polhill had, arguably, his worst game for the club and Warburton and co. took the game to them and spread the ball around well, Davis had to make several good saves and Kerrigan, Simpson and Pugh had to be quick intercepting throughballs and making last-ditch blocks. It was all for nothing as the second half resistance was broken down when Warburton played Hughes in one-on-one against Davis and he duely chipped the 'keeper and saw it bounce in off the far post, it was a wonder goal with the last touch of the game. 3-0. Real have now only lost once in their last eight games however are still sixth and NCP have not moved in over a month as they are still seventh.

1:Davis 2:Kerrigan 24:Pugh 4:Niyongabo 3:Simpson 6:Polhill

NCP Manchester 0-0 Uneal Madrid (Friendly)NCP looked good in this friendly, Copplestone was strong and inteligent on the ball and Hayes never stopped running. Kerrigan saw this as an excercise to find a decent partner to Polhill, as Moriarty looks to be out of contract at the end of the season, 26 year-old Lee Copplestone looks to be favourite as he saw the 'keeper stop several good efforts from him however he spurned the best effort of the game as he blazed over near the end. Noble had one valiant effort as he took a touch and set himself up with a fierce drive only to see the 'keeper smother it.

1:Davis 3:Simpson(sub:2:Kerrigan) 27:Hayes 15:Noble 23:Copplestone(sub:3:Simpson)

NEXT FIXTURE: vs Mavericks FC at Hazel Grove Rec. 7:30PM sunday 8th june.

Fiveways 2-0 PSV Hangover: Defending champions Fiveways put a bit of distance between themselves and the rest at the top following a comfortable 2-0 win over PSV, Darren Dicken and Ray Brookes scored one in each half respectively to take both points. The defeat see's PSV drop to ninth place.

Reform Club 2-2 Jolly Sailors:A thrilling encounter between second and third ended in a draw as the teams shared four goals, Sailors and Reform are, both, now two points behind Fiveways but remain in the same position in the league.

Gala FC 0-0 Six Amigo's:A drabfest at the rec. saw Gala's fading title hopes diminish further as they just could not finnish off a well organized Amigo's side, Dan Wheeler was the main culprit as he failed time and time again to hit the target for Gala who are a disappointing fourth place, three points behind Fiveways. Six Amigo's solid defensive display means that they remain eleventh.

Swollen Goolies 0-2 Mavericks:Mavericks helped themselves to push well clear of the danger zone and they have a five-point cushion from relegation thanks to a Tom Wallace two-goal brace in the second half. Sadly for Swollen they prop-up th table as they are bottom.

NCP MANCHESTER FC NEWS

2008-05-26T12:20:00.001+01:00

NCP Manchester 0-0 Fiveways FC

The Bee's had Gary Kerrigan and Phil Davis to thank as they gained a valuable point against top of the table Fiveways last night.

NCP were, yet again, missing Sam Simpson and Luke Moriarty and drafted in Barry Noble and Neil Pugh. "Neil has fitted in perfectly to be fair, he's big, solid, reliable and strong we've alot to thank him for this season because when he's been needed he's been there and done well." Said player/manager Kerrigan who continues to defy critics and time as he turned back the clock to put in a man-of-the-match performance against the leagues best. Kerrigan blocked six or seven fierce drives from Fiveways top marksmen Ray Brookes and Paul Kappa, NCP 'keeper Phil Davis had his best game of the season so far as he too stopped several great chances to frustrate the league-leaders.

Referee Jeff Jefferson was at the centre of controversy as he denied Fiveways not once, not twice but three times a penalty shout. Davis looked ominously close to the edge of his area in making a one-on-one save from Kappa but the man in the black was deaf to spot-kick claims.

Niyongabo, Kerrigan and Pugh held the Fiveways attacks at bay and the game fizzled out to a draw. NCP remain seventh but content with the point, Neil Pugh spoke to 'furious-pigeon' about the game: "Well, there a good side, very slick and organised but we managed to stave them off, it's a good point, I'm well happy"

1:Davis 2:Kerrigan 24:Pugh 4:Niyongabo 15:Noble(sub:5:Polhill) 25:Guest

STOCKPORT PREMIERSHIP ROUNDUP

Despite only drawing with NCP, Fiveways are still top of the league, one point ahead of Jolly Sailors who beat PSV Hangover by a goal to nil. Next week the Sailors face Reform Club who are hot on their heels, it should be a cracker.

Gala FC are still in fourth place following their 2-0 win over struggling side Swollen Goolies FC, Dan Wheeler was the difference as he scored both goals, Swollen Goolies remain bottom.

Unreal Madrid beat the Mavericks 2-1 to keep up the pace near the top, they are fifth but it could all change on sunday as NCP Manchester face Luke Warburton and Real Reform, there is just a point separating the two sides, so it should be one to watch.

FRIENDLY: Six Amigo's 2-0 NCP Manchester

NCP Manchester were beaten by two goals in a friendly against Six Amigo's, it was never going to be hotly contested but it was good practice: "It's nice to play a game in good spirits like that, I hate losing but I've not had as much fun in a game and laughed so much in years, Niyongabo doing his showman tricks, Kerrigan taking the mickey out of his players and Dean Polhill playing in defence....it was a ace." Spoken from a very jovial Phil Davis. Jake Corrigan scored both of the goals late on, Davis parried a drive from Wallace only for Corrigan to volley the rebound i off the post and with NCP then pushing for an equalizer they were stretched at the back and Corrigan rounded Niyongabo and Kerrigan and nutmegged Davis, it was a superb goal.

1:Davis 2:Kerrigan 5:Polhill 4:Niyongabo 15:Noble 24:Pugh

NEXT FIXTURE:FRIENDLY vs Unreal Madrid 7:30pm

NEXT FIXTURE:LEAGUE vs Real Reform 8:00pm

NCP MANCHESTER FC NEWS

2008-05-20T17:37:00.000+01:00

NCP Manchester remain seventh following another 5-0 victory forfeit due to opponents Athletico Pirates failure to appear on sunday night. "Its disapointing that they didnt show up, know whatta mean but we've got the points and we need 'em so we cant complain." Said player/manager Gary Kerrigan. Next week the Bee's have the opposite problem of playing twice! "We've got a friendly against Six Amigo's and we've got a league game against top of the league Fiveways...when it rains it pours innit!?" PSV Hangover had exactly the same result (5-0 forfeit) when Packing Quiche failed to arrive, both 'Packing' and 'Pirates' have been excluded from the league.

NEXT FIXTURE: vs Fiveways FC @hazel-grove rec. 25-05-08 kick off 7:00pm (premiership)
NEXT FIXTURE: vs Six Amigos @hazel-grove rec. 25-05-08 kick off 7:30pm(friendly)

NCP Manchester will be looking for their first piece of silverware in Stockport as they compete for the 'Nivea for men Challenge'-a five-a-side trophy that see's the winners compete in the national finals tournament in Manchester.
The Nivea cup will be Phil Davis' swansong and takes place on sunday 15th june, 2008 at the Stockport Powerleague. The Bee's will be without defender Sam Simpson but hope to have a squad of eight including; Polhill, Niyongabo, Davis, Kerrigan, Parfitt and Pugh.

Jolly Sailors 0-2 Fiveways:Defending champions Fiveways cruised to top spot with a convincing 2-0 win over Jolly Sailors with whom they swapped places, Sailors are joint second on 16 points with newboys The Reform Club FC two points behind Fiveways who are looking to maintain their invincible record of dominating the premeirship with a record fourth successive title.
Reform Club 2-0 Mavericks:The newboys just cant stop winning and they are joint second with Jolly Sailors following a two goal first half as Jak Winterbottom scored the first and made the second.
Unreal Madrid 2-0 Swollen Goolies:Unreal are loitering in fifth place, with intent, they were runners up last season and are pushing up the table again this term. Chris Wallace was the catalyst as he scored two late goals to break down Swollen's resistance and keep them propping up the table.
Six Amigo's 0-1 No Score Draw:Six Amigo's need to win soon as they fell closer to the drop-zone with a shocking performance against No Score Draw who bolstered their survival hopes with this win.
Real Reform 0-1 Gala FC:Luke Warburton's Real Reform side were unlucky against Gala as a last gasp goal from Dan Wheeler pushed the perenial runners up to fourth. Gala are creeping back into the title fold, don't write them off.

PHIL DAVIS NEWS

2008-05-16T18:18:00.000+01:00

NCP Manchester 'keeper Phil Davis is set for a permanent move to Birmingham Sunday Leisure League side 'JD Lions FC'.

It is understood that Davis handed in a transfer request that was, reluctantly, accepted by Gary Kerrigan and will leave in june. The move leaves The Bee's without a goalkeeper for the second half of the season. The new season in Birmingham starts on 22nd june, ominously the night NCP play Jolly Sailors in Stockport and Davis was said to have wanted to continue in the north-west but his agent, Mustaffa Ahbet (pictured above) arranged a deal to lure Davis back to his home town for the start of the season: "Well, its a real shame you know, I created NCP Manchester's football team and there is alot of me in the club...fond memories like the tournaments in London and Amsterdam, I've met alot of good people and enjoyed my time immensely but the time has come to move on. I have absolutely no regrets regarding my time in Manchester. But I'm from Birmingham, all of my family are here and I'm excited about the new challenge to be honest."

New Challenge

JD Lions are bottom of the Birmingham Leisure League division four and face relegation, JD midfielder Richard Summerfield told Furious Pigeon: "We'd love to get him (Davis) on-board sooner but we can't complete the move until he is officially released on a Bosman free transfer so without a permanent 'keeper we could face the drop but that's football, if we do go down then we're sure he (Davis) is the man to help us gain promotion."

Been there, Done that

Davis was part of the team that won the Premier Division in the Birmingham leagues before, Furious Pigeon wonderered if he felt like division four or even division five was a step down?

"Not at all, you know, there's some good players in there and it's a good standard, you know, obviously the premier is where we (JD Lions) want to be and you have to start somewhere, so promotion is key...I just hope that my previous experience of winning the premier in Birmingham three times (ahem) will help."

NCP MANCHESTER FC NEWS

2008-05-16T12:25:00.000+01:00

THE WILLOW CUP 2008

DE PIJP STADION, AMSTERDAM.

Saturday 15th March 2008

NCP Manchester's long road to the Willow Cup in Amsterdam was well deserved. Their highest ever finish in Stockport Leisure Leagues (3rd) saw them on their way to europe but without their talisman player/manager Gary Kerrigan. The squad lined up as so;1:Phil Davis 22:Mark Parfitt 3:Sam Simpson 4:Abbassy Niyongabo 5:Dean Polhill

Sadly there was to be no fairytale ending as The Bee's were beaten in all three group matches.

Group C

Airbus-Bristol UK 3-1 Searchtec Bracknal

Interserve Durham 4-1 NCP Manchester

Airbus-Bristol UK 1-0 Interserve Durham

NCP Manchester 1-5 Searchtec Bracknal

Searchtec Bracknal 1-2 Interserve Durham

Airbus-Bristol UK 1-0 NCP Manchester

Despite their best efforts, a lack of sociable sensible pre-match preparation meant that NCP finished at the foot of group c and would go home empty handed, instead the plaudits went to Airbus UK of Bristol who won the Willow Cup (Bob Wilson's cancer research charity fund).

NCP MANCHESTER FC NEWS

2008-05-12T18:24:00.000+01:00

NCP Manchester 0-3 Unreal Madrid FC

The Bee's poor season got worse last night as they found themselves two goals down in the first two minutes against a buoyant Unreal side, Jay Wilson was on target as he bagged a record-breaking brace which stunned NCP. Madrid sealed the win two minutes from time as Wilson walked the ball around a beleagured Davis to set up Palmer to finish emphatically.

The stifling heat in Hazel Grove didn't seem to phase the younger, quicker Unreal team who never looked like losing the game, NCP were without key players yet again as Simpson (foot injury) and Moriarty (?) were replaced by Pugh and Noble.

Gary Kerrigan played down recent rumours about Dean Polhill; "What Dean does off the field shouldn't affect what he does on the field but I'm starting to wonder. We were terrible tonight, it's the worst performance since I took over, we could've played all night and not scored." Either way, the Bee's have only scored twice in seven games this season and thier once infamous stingy defence is looking weak having conceded six goals in seven.

1:Davis 2:Kerrigan 24:Pugh 4:Niyongabo 5:Polhill 15:Noble

STOCKPORT LEISURE-LEAGUE ROUNDUP

The Reform Club 1-0 Swollen Goolies;Reform are just two points off top spot following their solid performance against against sad-sac Swollen Goolies.

Six Amigo's 0-1 Real Reform;Its the same old story season after season for Six Amigo's who just can't buy a win at the moment but things are looking brighter for under-acieving Real Reform. Luke Warburton seems to have turned things around with the winning goal to push them up to fifth in the table.

Mavericks 2-0 PSV Hangover;Mavericks surprised everyone with a fantastic win over PSV Hangover but it wasn't without controversy, as two penalties turned the game on its head and propelled Mavericks away from relegation and they are now tenth however PSV remain eighth.

Gala FC 5-0 Athletico Pirates;Gala FC reminded every doubter that they will not give up on the title they crave so much for as Dan Wheeler is playing some of the best football of his life and seems hell-bent on achieving that goal. Bitterly dismal result for the Pirates who were looking promising but dropped to ninth place in the league as Gala remain fourth but only three points off the pace and next week the top two play eachother.

Fiveways 5-0 Packing Quiche;Fiveways remain joint top (second on goal difference) having had the result awarded as a 5-0 walkover/forfeit as Packing Quiche have been expelled from the league.

Jolly Sailors 4-0 No Score Draw;Jolly Sailors have consistantly surprised everybody so far this campaign and Lee 'Jog On' Chapman has guided his team to the top, albeit on goal difference. The real test will be next sunday as they clash with defending champions Fiveways.

NCP MANCHESTER FC NEWS

2008-05-06T19:14:00.001+01:00

FRIENDLY

NCP Manchester 2-0 PSV Hangover

Dean Polhill fired in the first goal to get in-form and the clincher was a bizarre own goal from Simon Simple in a friendly. 1:Davis 2:Kerrigan 24:Pugh 4:Niyongabo 5:Polhill 6:Moriarty(15:Noble)

LEISURE LEAGUES PREMIERSHIP NEWS

NCP Manchester were awarded the two points and a 5-0 walkover as Packing Quiche FC forfeited the sunday night fixture, the 'win' helps The Bee's to consolidate their meagre league position and they are now up to seventh.

Mavericks 0-1 Fiveways:Fiveways kept up the pace with league-leaders Jolly Sailors with a deserved win over relegation threatened Mavericks.

Unreal 0-0 Gala FC:Stalemate between two of the top teams in the league, Gala still hungry for their first ever title remain in fourth spot.

Athletico Pirates 1-3 Real Reform:Luke Warburton's muc-improved Real Reform side romped to a three-nil lead in the first half against a decent Pirates team who pulled one back late on, it was merely academic as Real look to turn their poor start into a title chase.

Jolly Sailors 1-0 Six Amigo's:League leaders Jolly Sailors maintained their unbeaten start to the season with a narrow victory over perennial under-achievers Six Amigo's who were just not good enough on the night.

Reform Club 1-1 No Score Draw:Lowly No Score Draw were able to hold third placed new boys Reform Club to a draw, both clubs remain unchanged in the league table.

PSV Hangover 1-0 Swollen Goolies:PSV were far better, more organised and they are a technically very useful team and put the game beyond doubt against the sloppy basement boys.

NCP MANCHESTER FC NEWS

2008-04-28T17:59:00.000+01:00

STOCKPORT LEISURE-LEAGUES PREMIER DIVISION
NCP Manchester 0-1 Reform Club
The Bee's poor start to the season continued last night as they lost to premiership newboys Reform Club thanks to a first half strike by Dean Forrester.
NCP were , once again, without player/manager Gary Kerrigan and all-time leading goalscorer Dean Polhill and it showed as the Bee's lacked any coherance going forward, the passing was not fluid and they failed to create any serious chances infront of goal.
Reform bossed the midield from start to finish and it was a lovely move that lead to Forresters winner-a quick one-two and the stockport born striker cannoned a shot that deflected off Simpson and flew past Davis to keep the newboys in third spot. NCP remain in the wrong half of the table in eighth. 1:Davis 3:Simpson(c) 24:Pugh 4:Niyongabo 15:Noble 6:Moriarty

Results Roundup
Jolly Sailor 1-0 Athletico Pirates;Jolly Sailor are top of the league for the first time in their history thanks to Fiveways slipping up and this fantastic win over the Pirates as Carlos scored again.
Real Reform 0-0 Unreal Madrid;On paper this should have been a classic, in reality it was fairly dull as neither 'keeper had much to do. A draw leaves Unreal out of the top four and Real are still lingering around mid-table.
Gala FC 3-1 Fiveways FC;Gala recorded thier first win over their bitter rivals in three seasons and got revenge for last seasons 4-0 drubbing that ended their title dreams. Gala have a great chance this season to win the league that they have been runners up in on four occasions! Dan Wheeler was the hero as he bagged a brace that see's the champions knocked off top-spot.
Six Amigo's 0-0 PSV Hangover;This game was a poor showing, both clubs failed to take a grip on the affair and both remain in the bottom half of the table.
Swolen Goolies 0-1 No Score Draw;No Score Draw crept out of the danger zone with a narrow win over the basement boys who are yet to win this season.

Mavericks 1-1 Packing Quiche;Relegation battles are often tepid affairs and this was no different, both teams needed the win and Tom Palmer looked to have given Packing Quiche the points until Ian Clark levelled late on for the Mavericks. Quiche remain in the relegation zone but the point moved Mavericks up to tenth place.

PHIL DAVIS NEWS

2008-04-23T16:21:00.000+01:00

MY FAILED LACROSSE CAREER, 2005

During my final year at University I had become bored with my benal weekends and had developed an interest in Lacrosse. I'm a competent football goalkeeper and I was very good at field hockey at school, I've a keen interest and knowledge of Ice-Hockey so I decided to look for a club to play for because I believed that I would use my 'knowledge and experience' and become the best Lacrosse goalkeeper in the land...it is, arguably the most ignorant thing that I have ever projected myself into.

Finding a club was not difficult as I was living in Preston at the time and Lacrosse is a popular sport in the north-west so I searched around on the internet and the closest available team was Cheadle-Hulme near Stockport. Their website was enticing, "Have played POP or regular Lacrosse before and want to join in again? We are looking for lacrosse players of all ages and standards to play or coach. E-mail blah, blah, blah..." So I sent an e-mail explaining how "I was a useful goalkeeper for a team in a league in Birmingham when I was younger" -the fact that I used to be young was the only element of truth in that message! The league, the team and the ability that I'd mentioned never existed! Undeterred by my ignorant inclusion that "I have a good command of racket sports, interested in ice and field hockey and play 'regular' football." I recieved an e-mail within two days aking for my phone number, no sooner had I sent Colin Windeler my phone number he called me; I can still remember being very stoned and tried to explain my previous lacrosse eexperience' to him. Had I been honest I would have said: "I saw a clip of it on Trans-World Sports once and it loks like fun, where do I sign?"

Despite my piss-poor Lacrosse Curriculum Vitae and had posession of no equipment except for a pair of shorts and borrowed football boots, he told me that I could start a Northern-Mens Division 5 match against Wilmslow in three days time! All of a sudden it felt like I was being set-up by MTV by my 'friends' who stared at me, pie-eyed from the sofa in our student flat. "Phil, you're going to get hurt and embaressed." Said Nici. "Well, it'll make a change from a woman doing that to me, eleven men can have a go this time!"

My Lacrosse debut preparation was similar to the way that I had made myself known, ignorant. I went to JD Sports and got a gum-shield (without realising that a helmet, provided, would be the obstacle stopping my teeth being smashed out) and I smoked one less cigarette a day until saturday morning. Saturday morning: I had convinced Iain to drive me to Cheadle-Hulme in his LDV van, on the premise that I would either be injured or humiliated and/or embaressed. This nugget of information encouraged Fran, Nici and Steve to attend aswel and increased the game's crowd capacity by 50%.

I had originally expressed an interest in being a Lacrosse Goalie due to my "Good reactions and ability to throw long-passes." In reality it's because I smoke and I run like a pensioner, it didn't matter as Colin and 'Pud' had other idea's for me: "You can be a forward, just cut infront of the crease and create traffic infront of the cage, okay?" I watch alot of american sports so I knew what they wanted me to do but the last time I ran for anything was probably a bus during the last millenium. Needless to say I was fucking awful, I didn't catch the ball in my little basket on a stick once (Re:Calling it a little basket on a stick is not a technical term and endears you to nobody inthe Lacrosse world.)

We lost the match, I couldn't keep count of the score because I thought that I was having a minor stroke by the third quarter and was bent over panting and wishing that I was dead.

I got to the shower room where I expected to be questioned and possibly beaten in some kind of public-school style ritual that is typically reserved for 'oiks' or shit Lacrosse players (by now the game was up and I had fallen into both catagories) but no, indeed they said: "Are you coming next week? Big game against Stockport, away."

The next game at Stockport was hard, I ran my guts out mainly due to loosening up the phlegm and tar from the previous week and we won, my only noteworthy contribution was serving a penalty for someone else because I was crap. Two minutes rest in the penalty box for another players misdemeanor like serving time time in prison for another mans crime. This was a steep learning curve-if I do somthing wrong I get to sit down, drink water and relax for two minutes. Bingo. Cheadle-Hulme won the Stockport game 15-5 but remained bottom of the league, the lowest place in English Mens Lacrosse and I was the worst player in the squad.

My final forray into the Lacrosse world was the local derby away against Cheadle and it was probably my lowest ebb. I incurred penalty after penalty, at one point a sympathetic oponent told the referee not to penalise me because: "He clearly doesn't know what he's doing, he doesn't know the rules." You bastard, I thought, let him punish me, I want to sit down looking pissed off for two minutes.

The Cheadle players had obviously spotted my weakness and dished me out some treatment, I'm 5'9" and skinny so they took it in turns to fling me around like a ragdoll, I felt like a pornstar on her first day being bullied by borderline rapists. At one point I was so tired and disorientated when a player smashed me on the wrist with an aluminium stick that I turned and chased him. Somehow I caught up with him, jumped on his back and wresteled him to the ground, big mistake. He landed on me and started punching me through an ill-fitting helmet which valued his punches twice with a metal cage against my nose, not content with that he headbutted me whith his face-mask. Yes, I thought, I'm going out like a hero, I'll be thrown out of the game for fighting the enemy. The referee was lenient: "Two minute penalty, when you come back on I hope that your attitude has changed!" My attitude will not change, I will definately still hate this farce. I never played again.